ON THE VERGE OF SPEECH

“Speak now, Bock. Speak, and you can have this treat.”

Oooh . . .why, human, why tease and torture me? I wiggle my butt, isn’t that good enough for a cookie? See my tail? I’ve been wagging forever! Please, please, please! Give me the damn treat!

“Speak! Come on, Knickerbocker. You can do it!”

Of course I can, but it’s humiliating, human mom! I’m not a circus dog!

“Speak? Speak! Well, if you really don’t want it . . .”

*BARK*

“Good boy! Here you . . . OW! Knickerbocker, not so rough!”

Well, I’m maybe sorry a little bit but that was your fault. You tease and torture, then threaten to take it away, so I speak and do a fast grab before you change your mind! What in Lassie’s name do you expect?

“Let's try one more, and this time I want you to go slow. Slooow, slooow . . . nice one, Bock! That’s better!”

Well, Mom, you left out the circus routine this time. Remember that. I have my dignity. Can I have another?

“All right, Bock, away with you, fur-boy.  I have to start dinner. Go find one of the kids, okay? You’ll get your dinner later.”

Kids? What kids? Oh, you mean . . . right! I can smell ‘em. Upstairs. Toby had peanut butter for lunch and Casey had a hot dog. Stupid name for food. Yeah, let’s go have a lick.

“Hey, Bock! C’mere, boy!

Toby mini-human man! I’m so, so, so, so happy! Ahhh, the pungent stench of boy. Nothing’s better, except maybe the can of mystery treats in all the rooms, especially the treat room downstairs! Hmm, good. Boy face, yum!

“Hahaha, Bock, stop it! C’mon, boy, down!”

Oops, missed a spot!

*Slurp*

“Yeesh, Bock, yuck!”

I like it! Hey, what’s in the can today?

“Out of there, Bock! You know better! Come on, keep me company while I finish my homework.”

I will if I can rest my big head on your little leg, little human.

“Yeah, I know. I missed you, too. Now, what is 121 divided by 11?  Let’s see now. . .”

Hey, I smell something . . . I know I’ve smelled it before . . . I remember I liked . . . there it is. The receptacle that little human keeps his feet in! Let’s get in there and have a whiff . . . ahhh, ambrosia!

“Bock, that’s disgusting!”

I like it! I can never get enough boy foot.

“Bock, get your face out of my shoe!”

“Toby, what’s going on in here? I’m trying to write a . . . (squeal of delight)  Look at Bock! Let me get my polaroid. I gotta get a pic . . .”

“What’s going on up there? How’s the homework coming?”

“Bock’s wearing my shoe on his face, Mom! Come see! He loves it!”

What’s going on? What’s the excitement? What am I missing? I can’t see! Maybe if I shake this off . . .

CRASH!

“Bock, the lamp!”

Did I do that?

“Aw, put the shoe back on, Bock! I didn’t get your picture.”

“Casey, look at this! Mom’s gonna have a cow! Who cares about a stupid picture?”

“You’re stupid! Why’d you let him take it off? I was only gone for a second!”

”All right, what happened? Casey, go to your room right now. Finish your homework. I’ll be in to check later. I have to clean this up before someone gets cut. Watch where you step. Bock? Out!”

I'm sorry I’m really sorry I’m sorry I’m really really sorry I really am I’m . . . hey, what’s that?

“Dad’s home!”

“You kids stay . . . all right, go say hi to your dad and then right back to work, both of you!”

“Yaaaaaaay!”

Big alpha man, you came back! I’m so happy!

“Hey, Knickerbocker boy, how was your day? Take care of the ol’ homestead?”

You had gravy and meat! I can tell . . . oh, uhm, really? You petting the neighbor’s dog again? I smell Doberman all over you. . . ooh, that’s good, right there! That’s the spot. I love you, alpha man.

“Daddy, you’re home!”

“Hi, Daddy! Did you get me anything?”

This is fun. I should bark. I like fun!

*BARK BARK BARK*

“Okay, okay, slow down! Slow down. Did I get anything . . . let’s see. Where did I leave my briefcase? Oh, wait! What’s this I have up my sleeve? Close your eyes.”

*BARK BARK BARK*

“Ta Daaaaah!”

“Oh boy, I got a Baby Ruth! Thanks, Daddy!”

“I got a Sky Bar! Thanks, Dad!”

“That’s for after dinner, remember! Don’t tell your mo . . .”

“Don’t tell who what?”

“Oh, hi, Dear! Okay, kids. Most important question of the day. Homework done?”

“Awww . . .”

“Casey, Toby, why don’t you let me hold those for you and you can have them after dinner.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Well, come now, you wouldn’t have opened them ‘til after dinner anyway, right?”

(Giggle) “Maaaaybe.”

“That’s what I thought. Okay, back to your rooms. I picked up the pieces from the lamp but be careful. Don’t go barefoot up there.”

“Off you go, you little sugar scamps! Listen to your mother.”

“I’ll call you when dinner’s ready. So, how was your day?”

“Fine. Did you say something about a lamp?”

“Toby’s room. The usual mayhem.”

Where’s my bone? I can’t find my bone! *sniff snuff sniff*

“What’d Toby do?”

“I don’t imagine it was Toby. He doesn’t throw shoes around.”

“Oh. Bock? Again?”

“He’s just so big, Greg. Who ever thought he’d grow to be the size of a sofa.”

“No, I know. But he’s been an indoor dog his whole life.”

“There’s hair everywhere. I can’t keep up with it! Long haired shepherds make the most darling puppies, but then they grow up, shed and eat everything in sight.”

Mr. Bone, I found you! I love you, Mr. Bone. *gnaw gnaw gnaw*

“I’d hate banishing him to the yard.”

Are they talking about us, Mr. Bone? They’re looking at us. Let’s look back! Smile!

“No one could resist that face.”

“I know. I certainly can’t. Dinner’s almost ready. I made chicken and dumplings. There’s a pitcher of martinis in the fridge. Why don’t you go unwind.”

“Can I get you one?”

“Please.”

* * *

“Dinner’s ready!”

“Be right down!”

OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH . . .  *nom nom crunch nom*

“Did you two wash your hands? Let me see. Hmm, they feel pretty dry for just washed. Let’s give ‘em another run-through and then come to the table.”

“Awww.”

“Well, then, let’s try this. Soap, this is Toby. Toby, this is soap. I’d like you two to get acquainted.”

“Ha-ha, Mom!”

“Please do come in, Casey. You could get better acquainted with your brother’s new friend. Oh, look, see this? This is called a washcloth.”

“What’s that for?”

“Funny.”

“Hey, is anyone going to join me or am I dining alone tonight? Chicken smells amazing, Louise.”

*BARK BARK*

Me! I’d be happy to join you if you’ll take down these bars! I want some!

“Knickerbock, you just ate.”

So? What’s your point?

*BARK - whiiiine - BARK*

“You can join us after we’ve eaten, okay? You know how this works.”

*Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine*

Oh, the agony. Won't someone come look at my sad eyes? My poor tortured tummy. There they go, off to their selfish plates and piles of deliciousness as I languish in my solitary confinement and can only dream of what could possibly smell so unctuously tantalizing. Reminds me of how I feel inside whenever that poodle Sophia trots past our yard and gives me the look. I can’t stop drooling. I’m dying here! Pity me! Pity . . . wait, what was that? Sounds like meat hitting the floor! I gotta go see! I . . .

CRASH!

“Bock, no!”

“How did you get out?”

“No, Bock, no!”

“Mom! Dad! Help!”

“Bock, come! Outside with you. Go!”

“Toby, are you okay, honey?”

“My arm hurts!”

“How about if I . . .”

“Oooow!”

“All right, can you stand up?”

“Louise, you and Casey stay here. I’ll take Toby to the emergency room. I’ll call you as soon as I know anything.”

“Good luck, Toby!”

“Go with Dad, Hon. It’ll be all right. It’s probably just a sprain.”

* * *

Why am I out here? Did I do something wrong? Alpha Man growled at me. I don’t get it.  That was really loud in there. Everybody went for the treat at the same time I did. I really had to fight for it. Oh well.

Plop!

*GROAN*

I’ll wait here. They’ll come get me soon. I want to check the floor again, I'm not sure I got it all.

* * *   

“Greg? How’s Toby. 

Oh no, I was afraid of that.  When do you think you’ll be home? 

Okay. Is there anything I can have ready here? 

Sure, I’ll set up the couch. I managed to salvage some of the dinner. I’m keeping it warm for you. 

I know, I know. The wild world of parenting.

He’s still outside. 

Well, I’d have to agree but . . . we’ll talk about it later, okay? 

Take care of Toby and we’ll see you when we see you. 

Love you, too. Bye.”

“How’s Toby?”

“Broken wrist, I’m afraid.”

“That lucky duck!”

“Casey, what on earth . . .”

“Toby gets all the breaks. Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

“Very funny, but what . . .”

“Do you know what kind of attention a broken arm will get you? Stacey Millman gave Scott Harding a kiss on the lips when he broke his leg!”

“I’m sure your brother doesn’t need a cast to have people like him, Casey.”

“Yeah, but I mean ON THE LIPS! All those cooties! I’d rather die!”

“Well, why don’t we let Toby deal with that later. Tonight he’s not going to be feeling great. I’m setting up the couch so he can watch TV down here.”

“See, I told you. It’s starting already.”

* * *

I know they’ll come I know they’ll come I know they’ll come I know. . . whazzat? I know they’ll come I know they’ll . . . CAR!

*BARK BARK BARK BARK*

“Bock! No! Stay!”

Stay? Me stay? Me? Stay? You mean me. . .

“Stay back, Bock. Stay right there. Good.”

Alpha Man and Little Man forgot to let me in! Little Man smelled funny, like clean, like too clean, like bubble water clean. Yuck. I’ll just wait here. They will come get me soon.

* * *

“There, Toby, comfortable? What can I get you? Want me to heat up some soup? We have tomato.”

“I’m not really hungry.”

“How about your Sky Bar? I have it in the kitchen and this certainly counts as after dinner.”

“Maybe later.”

“All right. What would you like to watch?”

“I Love Lucy!”

“Casey, tonight we should let Toby decide, don’t you think?”

“No special attention going on in this house, ooooh noooooo.”

“Did you have something to say, Casey? Don’t mumble.”

“Oh, of course, Prince Toby should have his choice of . . .”

“That’s enough, Casey. Is your homework finished?”

“No, but . . .hey, wait a minute! That’s not . . .”

“Go right now and finish it. I’ll be up to check it in a few minutes.”

“Fine!”

“I don’t know about you, Toby, old man, but I wouldn’t mind watching The Honeymooners. One of these days, Alice . . . bang, zoom."

“How 'about Gunsmoke, Dad? You like Gunsmoke.”

“Well, sure, that’s what I was really thinking, unless Dragnet is on. Let's check."

“Dad! Gunsmoke!”

“That's what I said. Gunsmoke, it is.”

“Honey, how about some ice cream. You should have something in your stomach.”

“Are there any fudgesicles left?”

“Let me go see.”

“Dad, where’s Bock?”

“He’s outside.”

“Can he come in?”

“Not right now, Toby. We have to keep you safe while your arm heals.”

“But he didn’t mean to hurt me.”

“That’s not really the point, Tobe. Bock’s a big dog. We should have thought about this earlier but he doesn’t know how big he is, and now it’s become dangerous for you and Casey.”

“No, it’s not! He’s my friend. It’s not his fault! I dropped the chicken; it’s MY fault.”

“What’s going on in here? What’s wrong, Toby?”

“I want Bock and Dad says no!”

“Don’t get upset, Toby, it’s been a rough day for you. You have to trust that your Dad and I know what’s best for our family.”

“Bock’s being punished and he didn’t mean to hurt anybody. It’s not fair.”

“Dogs are dogs, Toby. They’re used to the outdoors. He’s probably happier out there.

* * *

I know they’ll come I know they’ll come I know they’ll come I know they’ll come I know they’ll come I know I know they’ll come I know they’ll come I know . . .

*Loud Exhale*

* *  *

"Yawn."

“It’s getting late, Greg. Do you want to carry Toby upstairs and we can get him into bed? You must be tired, too.”

“Yeah, you’re right, I am. Come on, little man, let’s get you under some covers.”

“Can I please have Bock?”

“What did he say?”

“Bock.”

“Tomorrow. You sleep now.”

“Wow, he’s heavy!”

“You feed ‘em and they grow.”

“He’ll have more of an appetite tomorrow, I’ll bet.”

“I’m sure. I plan to listen out for him tonight, just in case.”

“You know? As a mom, you’re not half-bad.”

“Yeah, well, I sort of like you people.”

“There we are, tiger. Sleep now. Tomorrow’s a brand new day. And you won’t be going to school for a while.”

“I plan to call his teachers.”

“Let’s go check on Casey.”

“Don’t be surprised when you see her if she’s turned green with envy.”

“You’ll have to explain that to me.”

“I will. ‘Night, sweet boy.”

“Louise, don’t let him hear you call him that.”

“It’s all right. I’m the Mom.”

* * *

When are they coming? I don’t think they’re coming.

*Sad sigh*

* * *

“Ouch, my . . . oh yeah. I don’t think I can sleep. Wow, it hurts. I wonder where Bock is. He must be downstairs. They wouldn’t leave him outside all night. What if . . . I have to go check. Whooo, too fast.”

“Toby, are you up?”

“Mom, I can’t sleep.”

“It’s all right. I’ll stay with you.”

“Where’s Bock?”

“He’s outside . . . Toby, please don’t cry. Why are you crying? He’s okay.”

“I don’t know that. I . . . I’m scared and I want Bock! Please? Mom? You . . . you look like you want to say yes.”

“Stay here.”

* * *

Z z z z z z . . . whazzat? MOM!

“All right, all right.  Now, listen, Knickerbocker Bear, I’m doing this for the love of a child . . . and, yes, I do, I love you too. My Heavens, Bock, there goes all my face cream! We have to do something about your appetite before we all wind up in the hospital. In the meantime, your presence has been requested. You can come in, but slooooooowly. Remember how? Sloooooooow!”

No tricks? No torture? I’ll do whatever you want! I’m a good dog!

“All right then, come on in, but shhhhh.”

In the house! I’m in the house! I’m so . . . just the tail. Don’t overdo it. Sloooooow. Ooh, water dish! I need a drink.

*SLURP LAP LAP LAP*

“Bock, I’m sorry, I didn’t even think to get you water! I guess I’m not such a perfect mom.”

"LAP LAP LAP SLURP*

“There you go, big guy. Better?”

*wag wag wag*

“This parenting is a complicated business. All right, so let’s make a little boy feel better, too, while we’re at it.  Sloooooooow, okay?”

(Let’s go! I mean, yes, let’s do go. Sloow. I’m a good dog.)

“What a good dog you are. But listen to those toenails click! We’ll see about that tomorrow. You sound like a typewriter.”

I hear talking but that is all it is to me. I hear talking but that is . . . LITTLE MAN!

“Hey, Bockerooni. I missed you, boy. Oooh, your fur is cold from being outside, huh? You smell good. I’m sorry I can’t get up but I’m happy to see you.”

“You think you can sleep now? I’m going to get Bock settled on your rug, he’ll be right here. Close your eyes. Call me if you need anything.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

* * *

“Morning, Dear. Ready for coffee?”

“Please.  I checked Toby this morning."

"Here you are."

"Thanks.”

“I’m going to let him sleep for as long as he can.”

“Did you happen to check his room on your way down this morning, Louise?”

“Of course I did, what sort of a mother do you take me for?”

“Did you happen to notice who or what was taking up most of Toby’s bed?”

“Yes, isn’t it wonderful?”

“I thought we’d agreed Bock would be a better outside dog! He’s much too big to . . .”

“I know. I know. But there are a few things I can think of that are even bigger than Bock and they’re necessary components in this home of ours.”

“Oh? And what might those be?”

“Bock’s sloppy big heart. Your wonderfully caring, parental heart and, of course, my maternal loving heart. And, whether she chooses to display it or not . . .”

“Mom? Dad? Are you kidding me! Now, he gets to sleep with Bock in his bed? What’s next? Why don’t you buy him a car! A plane while you’re at it! Just give him the house! Is there a tree I can fall out of so I can have a broken arm, too? What do I have to do around here . . .”

* * *

"Mmm . . . morning, Bock."

Ahhh, I love the smell of boy breath in the morning. It smells like . . . home.