Mrs. Ellis

HELLO!

Hello, is this Mrs. Ellis?

…HELLO?

Hello, is this Mrs.—

I CAN'T HEAR YOU! HOLD ON!

…I've got my hearing aids in now. Who is this?

Hello Mrs. Ellis, we’re calling on behalf of the Future Events Administration.

…the WHAT?

The Future Events Administration. We—

Well then, what is your name? I like to know who I’m talking to, you know?

Yes, of course Mrs. Ellis. Just so that you are aware, we are not a human representative. We are a virtual agent, reference number 33457-02, but you can refer to us as Aly if you would prefer.

…Are you are a machine?

We’re considered a virtual agent. We are an artificial intelligence system that the Future Events—

I’m not interested in what you are selling, so please take me off your list. I'm going to hang up the phone now.

Mrs. Ellis, this is an urgent matter. Please don't hang up. We’re calling—

Well, if it’s so important, why don't you get on with it then and quit rambling.

Yes, of course Mrs.—

You know, my soup is getting cold.

Our apologies Mrs. Ellis. The FEA, in collaboration with the Department of Motor Vehicles, has identified—

I just renewed my license at the DMV last spring.

Yes, Mrs. Ellis, that is noted in our records. The FEA—

Well, what are you calling about then?

The FEA, in collaboration with the DMV, has identified a future event, in which you will be involved, which presents a significant risk to roadway public safety.

Now let’s just slow down here a second, I haven’t a clue what you are talking about.

Of course, our apologies Mrs. Ellis. Are you familiar with the Future Events Administration?

Well…No.

Okay, I’m happy to elaborate Mrs. Ellis. The FEA is a federal government agency responsible for identifying and intervening in future events that are of importance to the safety and security of the United States. The public safety division of the FEA collaborates with the U.S. Department of Motor Vehicles to help prevent future mass casualty events on public roadways.

You know, the other day down at the senior center, the ladies were talking about how the government is predicting the future or some nonsense like that. You know what I said? I said it sounds like a lot of hooey to me!

We understand Mrs. Ellis. The FEA—

You’re the ones who locked up that boy a few weeks ago, right? I saw it on the news. You locked him up before he even did anything?

Mrs. Ellis, I believe you may be referring to the recent case of Michael Hanesworth, who last week was sentenced to juvenile house arrest and counseling services after the FEA identified that he would soon commit an act of mass violence.

Yes, that’s the one. Not a lick of evidence that he was planning anything. Yet you locked the boy up like he’d done something!

The FEA is aware that a sensationalized version of this case has caused some public misunderstandings regarding how the FEA identifies subjects of future events. I can refer you to a website which—

Well, since my soup is already getting cold, you might as well explain how the FEA goes about this business.

Certainly, Mrs. Ellis. The FEA uses Transtemporal Communications, along with quantum forecasting, to—

Now just hold on a minute here…you said you're using forecasting? Like the weather forecast on the TV?

Yes, that is a good analogy. Like weather forecasting, the FEA uses quantum computers to evaluate large amounts of data to predict future behavior patterns.

You know what Aly? The other morning, the weather forecaster on the news said it was going to be sunny out that afternoon. And you know what? It rained!

Yes, that is a common observation, Mrs. Ellis. The prediction of weather patterns is still—

It rained cats and dogs…can you believe that? I don’t know what you or these news people think they are doing…

We understand the concern. The FEA limits its forecasting to general trends in human behavior to help validate the Transtemporal Communications we–

Trans what?

Yes, Mrs. Ellis, the FEA uses Transtemporal communications to identify future events. The term refers to communications that the FEA receives from a future date. These–

Communications from the future? Are you telling me you are using some sort of time travel? Ha!

Our apologies if we were unclear. The FEA does not send or receive objects sent forward or backward in time. The general scientific consensus is that sending macro-scale objects through time is implausible. The FEA only receives communications that originated at a future date.

Well, how is that possible? I’ll have you know that I’m a retired teacher, so don’t try to pull one over on me.

We understand Mrs. Ellis. For further detail regarding the technology used by the FEA to receive the Transtemporal communications, we can refer you to a website with—

No, I want you to explain it to me now. You’re a machine, right? You don’t exactly have anywhere else to be, do you?

Of course, we’re happy to explain. The FEA uses technology that was originally invented during a ten-year-long research partnership across various government and university research facilities. The goal of the program was to develop a device, using currently available technology, which could potentially intercept communications sent from a more technologically advanced, future government agency. The program was successful, and a device was made which detected the appearance of photons in a designated space, presumably sent from a future date. The general scientific consensus is that the detected photons have been sent through small wormholes. The photon detection frequency is translated into binary, which is then translated into English.

……

Mrs. Ellis, are you still there?

I don’t know about all of that…but I can tell you one thing, it sure sounds like a bad idea. I’ve read about what happens when you start fussing with the future. Nothing good, I can tell you that much!

We understand your concern. The FEA takes the threats posed by time paradoxes seriously.

So how do you know these future memos of yours are true? Seems to me that someone could be pulling one over on you.

That is an excellent point. During the initial research program, future events were identified and then observed as they occurred, without intervention, to ensure the accuracy of the Trans-temporal communications.

Without intervention…are you saying that you let some bad things happen that you knew about?

Unfortunately, Mrs. Ellis, the only way the FEA could determine—

I think I remember seeing something about that on the news years ago. The young people were protesting all over the country and whatnot. A terrible thing what the FEA did. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Who do you think you are? Playing God, deciding who was going to live and die.

We understand your concerns. The United States government gave the FEA special—

So just how accurate are these predictions?

Mrs. Ellis, the FEA does not consider the identified future events as predictions. The identified events are considered the same as past events. However, there is still a small error rate, due to quantum probabilities and the impacts of previous interventions. The current estimate is that 95 out of 100 events occur in a manner significantly similar to the way they were originally identified in Trans-temporal communications.

Hmmm…so what does all of this have to do with me? You know, my hand is cramping holding this darn phone.

My apologies, I don’t want to keep you much longer. The FEA, in collaboration with the DMV, has identified a future event, in which you will be involved, which presents a significant risk to roadway public safety.

Ha! You think you know what I’m going to do in the future? My kids always say that they have no idea what I’m going to do next, and you know what…sometimes neither do I!

Mrs. Ellis, the FEA takes into consideration—

You know what, the other day, out of nowhere, I decided that I wanted to eat a hot dog. Do you know how long it had been since I wanted to eat a hot dog? It must have been decades! So anyways, I drove down to the grocery store just to buy just a package of hot dogs. The cashier must have thought I was one of those crazy old folks. You know the ones...

We appreciate you recalling this story. Before I provide more details about this event, I want to warn you that the details may be disturbing. I can refer you to a counselor who can discuss your feelings regarding this future event.

Well just spit it out then! I’ll decide if it’s bothersome.

Yes, of course Mrs. Ellis. According to our data, we anticipate that you’ll be responsible for instigating a large car crash on interstate 10 sometime between the hours of 9AM and 9:30AM next Thursday, July 27^th. The crash will involve potentially 15 cars, and you and six or seven others are expected to perish in this accident. I’m sorry to provide this news to you.

…Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure this one out. If you say that I’m going to crash on that day, I just won’t drive on that day. How about that?

Yes, Mrs. Ellis, that is a good plan. Unfortunately, we need to take even further action. Based on the increased risk that we now calculate you represent, we are obligated to recommend to the DMV that your license be permanently revoked, and that you legally abstain from all driving unless done in a fully automated vehicle per the state guidelines.

Is that so? Well, I’ll have you know that I passed the driving test last spring with flying colors. I’m a better driver than most of these nut jobs out there!

Yes, the FEA is aware of your recent—

…And I’ll be damned if you’re going to tell me I can’t drive anymore because of something I haven’t done!    

Mrs. Ellis, please be aware that refusing to follow the advice of the FEA can result in immediate arrest and legal charges being filed against you.

Ha! You’re going to arrest me for something I haven’t even done yet? Isn’t that a bunch of baloney!

The FEA was granted the legal authority to recommend legal charges for—

I want to speak to your manager.

Mrs. Ellis, the FEA uses only Virtual Agents for notifying individuals of—

Are you telling me that there are no humans working there? Who is running this dog and pony show?

The FEA maintains a diverse workforce that includes—

You know, my grandson lost his job to a machine like you. Now he’s getting paid by the government to do nothing! That universal…income…something or other. He says he is on permanent vacation!

Mrs. Ellis, the DMV and FEA have provided re-training resources to those whose jobs have been supplanted by AI pro—

So who should I complain to about all this ridiculousness?

If you would like to protest the FEA’s determination, you can submit an appeal online or over the phone—

Oh here we go, some more government forms I have to fill out…

We have tried to make the appeals process as efficient as possible. However, I’m obligated to inform you that appeals rarely are successful, as it is difficult to prove future innocence.

…

If there are no more questions, Mrs. Ellis, we would like to thank you for taking the time to speak with us. You will be receiving a document in the mail notifying you of your revoked license and—

Now wait just a second! I wasn’t done talking with you. You’ve wasted enough of my time, and my damn lunch is cold, so I think I’d like to waste a bit more of yours. So tell me this, smart guy. If the FEA is preventing bad events from happening, then that means that those events never happen for the people in the future. So how can they be telling us what didn’t happen?

The implications of cross-temporal communication are complex. The leading theories are that there are multiple branching timelines, and within each timeline there are entities separately communicating with our respective temporal location with—

Well…I’ve just about had enough of this, goodbye now…beep…beep beep…oh these darn buttons!

Beep…