I TAKE THE BLAME

“All my property and the house my wife and children stay in now should be auctioned and the money given to Giveaway orphanage.” I stated.

I didn’t need to look over to see that my lawyer had stopped jotting down my statements. 

“Yes, I insist on that.” I coughed up weakly. I could feel my breathe deteriorating.

“Water, water.” I huskily whispered, but the lawyer didn’t respond. It’s like he had gone into a moment of still shock. I tried to shift but only felt worse.

Fortunately, Jack handed me a disposable cup half filled with water. He raised my head slightly and made me swallow the water I had poured in my mouth. 

It took me about half a minute to heave and feel like I could talk again.

By then a nurse had rushed into the room. I heard Jack ask the nurse whether she was sure I was still mentally sound. She came over to me, checked my temperature and pulse. She parted my eyelids wide and looked over at the monitor where my heart beat rate was wired. 

To my relief she nodded and said, “He should be fine for now and his mental health is okay.” I must admit, when you have a happy family the last thing on your mind is death even when you’ve been bed ridden for a month.

She exited the room and I could feel two pairs of eyes piercing through my skin.

“Mr. Raymond, I kindly request you withdraw that statement. I refuse to believe you are this heartless.” The lawyer didn’t wince in his words, yet I winced.

But that was only the start, I knew better that after my death the chaos would multiply by a tenfold. But I was set on my decision, no one was going to change my mind.

“I have my reasons.” I couldn’t elaborate. Not to them anyway, none of them would understand. But deep down, I knew my wife would understand my reasoning.

Actually I hoped she would understand and not hate me while dead. 

Jack might have thought that it was now his time to convince me after the lawyer had unabashedly stated what he had in mind.

“Think about this again Raymond. There is just no way you are going to leave Susan and your four children homeless. Your oldest son can’t even afford to live on his own yet. For Christ’s sake, he has just graduated.” He might have thought he was pumping some sense into me.

I had thought about it all, and I wasn’t sure anymore. 

I remained silent. For one thing, I knew my reasoning was the worst there could ever be. But I also knew, my soul wouldn’t rest in peace if I didn’t do this for Giveaway orphanage. I had nothing to give back except my property.

“You love Susan so much, there is just no way you can do this to her. Can you not imagine what she will go through after your death?” Jack nudged me softly and tried to make me look at him. 

When I refused to say anything again he studied my face for a minute and concluded, “If that is what you want, then I am not signing as a witness for your will.”

I winced hard, “Jack, you can’t abandon me on m-y death bed. We’ve known each other for-ever and the only way Su-san will believe that I wrote this will is if you sign it for me. She tru-sts you as our best family frie-nd.” With each word I said, I felt as if I wouldn’t say anymore. 

Whenever I said or thought about my family, I just knew that it would no longer be my family. I already held a grudge against the man who would ever take my place alongside Susan. Oh my God, I loved that woman. Even when I died, I would continue loving her.

“Then get some sense in that head Raymond. You are going to make your family suffer. You are going to be the reason your family is doomed. Can’t you see that?” I could feel the outburst in his voice.

All this time, the lawyer didn’t say anything. I felt like a two year old being scolded for doing something very bad. And of course what I was doing was very wrong on several levels.

“Ja-ck, I under-stand whe-re you are co-ming from. But tru-st me, Susan will under-stand.” Every word that came out of my mouth felt dragged. It’s like I was speaking in slow motion. I just wanted to get done with this, they were dragging it for too long. I was starting to feel less energetic and more tired.

“Did you ever discuss it with her?” I couldn’t miss that accusing tone in his voice.

“Y-e-s. She kn-ows.” My answers were cryptic. She knew my plans for the orphanage but she didn’t know how I intended to fulfill them. I guess she thought I had long thrown away all the plans I had.

I hadn’t talked to her about it, I didn’t want to burden her anymore. But deep down, I knew she would understand. Or rather I hoped she would try to understand.

“If you are lying, you know I’ll never forgive you! I promise you, I’ll never forgive you.” I was glad he would no longer back out on me. After all, I would be dead. He could hate me all he wanted.

I saw the lawyer shake his head and reluctantly write down something. 

“Is that all Mr. Raymond?” I didn’t fail to notice the reluctance in his words.

“Y-e-s, can I sign al-ready? I want to se-e my wi-fe and child-ren.” I could feel it coming. I wanted to see my soon not to be family one last time.

“Here,” The lawyer handed me his ballpoint pen and Jack helped raise my upper body to lean on the head board so that I could see where to sign. After signing, I lay back down as Jack rotated around the bed and signed as a witness. 

I trusted him and my soon not to be family loved him as their second father. And I knew why he had agreed to sign even when he must have guessed that I lied about my wife knowing. We always counted on each other and I knew he wouldn’t let me down.

“Than-k you so mu-ch.” I said to no one in particular, “Can you call for me my fam-ily?” Every word I said came out with heavy breaths as whimpers.

I closed my eyes as I had shuffling of papers, I guess the lawyer was preparing to leave. I shut down my mind and refused to think about anything else. It hurt to know that there was no cure whatsoever. That I was going to die just because there was nothing the doctors could do.

I had enjoyed my fair share of life and all the crazy moments. One that came to mind particularly was the family nights out. I had enjoyed every inch of those nights with my wife and children.

The door suddenly creaked and my heart lurched in my throat. This was it, the last time I was going to see them. They would be no more, unless of course death kept my spirit hovering around. 

There were some murmurings at the door as the lawyer and Jack might have slid out and then silence. Still silence.

I almost thought my will had been revealed. I tried opening my eyes to see for myself and that’s when people rushed over to me. Of course, they were still my family and they were there to support me in times of need.

“Suzie, I’m fi-ne. It’s o-kay, I’m still a-live.” But even I knew that my strength was slipping.

She brought her tear stained face to my chest and heaved some more. I could feel the tears flowing on my chest. Then a scream shattered the room and I had to wince.

“Daddy, promise me you are staying with me.” Isn’t that how all last borns’ behave.

“Sweetie, co-me here. Who said daddy is go-ing any-where? I am all you-rs, shhh.” I think I needed the comfort more than her but she wouldn’t know that.

“Uncle Jack said that you may not stay for long.” She sobbed on my fore head. Well, well, just the comfort I needed.

“It’s o-kay hon-ey, I’ll always co-me se-e you if G-o-d gives me va-catio-ns. Ok!” their sense of humor might have been lost as well because Chloe just screamed the more. I was too exhausted, I tried moving my eyes and smiled faintly at my other three children. 

I looked down at Susan and felt guilty all over again. She didn’t know that I might be the source of her misery with time to come.

“Su-zie, you re-me-mber the or-phanage!” I continued after feeling her nod on my chest, “I finally found a way to fulfill my promise.”

“Really!” she raised her head to look at me, and in spite of the tears I could see the happiness underneath. It crushed me the more.

“Y-e-s, and I wa-nt you to tru-st me no ma-tter what ha-ppens. I lo-ve you all.” My words felt counted, it’s like I wanted to say more but I knew I couldn’t say all I wanted to say. 

The screams and wails just increased, it’s like I said I was going on a very long journey. Fortunately, the nurse from earlier entered and gave them that pitiful look that I didn’t fathom to decipher.

“Let him rest for a while.” The nurse told them and tried to usher them out but they wouldn’t budge. I nodded to Susan that she should take all the children out.

She looked at me uncertainly and at the children, she nodded once and pecked me on the lips. She tried drying her tears but more only ran down her puffy cheeks to replace the ones she had dried.

That’s my wife, the strong woman I got married to. She successfully led the three out with the help of the nurse and had to drag Chloe off me. They all smiled at me from the door except Chloe of course as the nurse closed the door on them.

She came over to me, studied me carefully and then rushed off like she had seen a python on the monitor slamming the door on her way out.

There it is, I mean my life. It was flashing in my face. All the memories kept on running through my head. It might have been for half a minute, but I had seen all flashes of things that had happened in my life.

As I took my final breathe, my only prayer was that Jack buys the house when it is auctioned. He would give it back to my family and in return the orphanage wouldn’t be shut down. All the one hundred and forty six children in the orphanage would still have a home. Just like me, they needed a chance at a home and eventually a future for themselves.

I knew Jack would do that for me, because he loved my family like his own and he had the money of course. But I couldn’t ask him for the money directly. My ego just wouldn’t allow that.

I might have let down my family but at least I owed the orphanage my life. Whatever resentment they would feel towards me, I could deal with that. 

Or maybe I wouldn’t be able to.

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