Driving Miss Quoted

“What did you think?”

“It was alright. Not as scary as everyone made it out to be.”

“Listen to the big brave boy. I felt you jump a few times during the creepiest parts.”

“No, that was you clinging to me, making me sit up, that’s all. The 3D effects were good weren’t they... I’m keeping the glasses. Not sure how I’ll use them, but they’re cool.”

“They should come free anyway with the exorbitant ticket prices. Here, put them in my purse.”

“Keep your voice down, someone will hear.”

“There’s no-one else left in here but us. Who’s going to know?”

“I’ll know and that will be the giveaway. I look guilty buying things when they’re two for the price of one.”

“Aw… it’s those deep blue eyes of yours. So trusting on the outside, yet so guilt-ridden in their darting movement.”

“Says the woman who eats a handful of grapes before checking out at the supermarket, so they’ll weigh less.”

“It’s called product analysis.”

“Outright fraud and theft, if you ask me.”

“Oh… ok… Mister gotta have that post-it pad and marker pens to bring home from work.”

“I use them…”

“Not all twenty-three pads stuffed into the junk drawer in the kitchen, ya don’t… that’s company theft.”

“I see… and the three boxes of face masks you took from your office are for health and safety reasons, are they?”

“I use them…”

“Yes, but not for work… Shall we go? There’s a bottle of bubbles waiting for us at home.”

“The credits haven’t finished.”

“You read them all, do you?”

“I just want to see the list of songs used in the movie.”

“Look it up on IMDB.”

“I can’t, smartphones are not allowed in here.”

“Only during the movie, not after it’s finished.”

“It’s still rude. I hate people that can’t live without their phone for a couple of hours.”

“Here, give me your phone.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I left it in your car.”

“What the hell for?”

“Coz I’m polite. Use your own phone.”

“Battery’s dead.”

“Again? You’re always running it out. At least mine’s on full charge…”

“In my car…”

“Yes, in your car!”

“Well, that’s about as useless as mine is right now.”

“Quiet, shush! Here comes the soundtrack list.”

“How is my talking interfering with you reading the credits?”

“Shush, I need to concentrate... There it is! I thought that was it.”

“Which one?”

“The Mike Oldfield one… Tubular Bells.”

“I’m flabbergasted… Are you telling me that you waited through all those credits of actors, writers, directors, executive producers, producers, associate producers, line producers, casting agents, camera operators, second unit staff, stunt coordinators, special effects providers, catering companies, security services, car rental companies, personal drivers, dogsbodies, etc, etc, etc., just to see the name of a song listed that we can easily listen to on iTunes at the touch of a finger?”

“Your phone battery is dead.”

“So?”

“No iTunes…”

“…You can be so frustrating at times.”

“Yeah, but you still love me, don’t you!?”

“I have to. Who else would tolerate it when you eat half a tub of popcorn then cheekily run back to the foyer to sweet-talk the teenage boy manager into topping you up, because you accidentally spilled popcorn on the cinema floor… then, also get him to refill your supersized soda cup because it leaks?”

“I can’t help it if I have enchanting qualities.”

“You’re like the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz… ‘More popcorn, my pretty, and while you’re there fill my cup till it runneth over, hee hee hee heeeeee’…”

“…I was thinking I’m more like a Jedi… ‘Empty… popcorn, it is. These are not the ones I want. Fill the force with soda, you shall’…”

“…You’re gonna need a bigger tub…”

“What’s that one?”

“Jaws!”

“Ah yes, of course!”

“Shall we go?”

“Not yet! Wait till the end! It ain’t over till the fat lady sings.”

“That’s not a movie quote, is it?”

“Nah! It’s a saying born from a Wagner opera, The Ring of Nibelung. The fat lady is the buxom Valkyrie Brünnhilde’s twenty-minute farewell aria in the finale. It’s about the end of the world – hence, the saying. She stops singing and it’s all over…”

“You’re a walking Wikipedia sometimes… No sign of the fat lady ending these credits yet, I suppose.”

“Patience Grasshopper.”

“There's no extra points for TV quotes... Why are you still eating?”

“Coz, this popcorn is good with chocolate raisins in it.”

“If I had x-ray vision and looked at your stomach right now…”

“Look, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, no, it’s Superman!”

“…If I had x-ray vision… All that would show up in your bubbly belly would be a bunch of shrivelled heads floating on a sea of chocolate cola, waiting for someone to pull the plug and flush them out again.”

“You’re so romantic. Makes me want to marry you…”

“Steady on, that wasn’t a proposal...”

“Cause if you like me, then you shoulda put a ring on me

If you like me, then you shoulda put a ring on me

Don't be mad once you see that he want me

If you like me, then you shoulda put a ring on me.”

“Leave Beyonce out of this.”

“It’s a girl thing… You wouldn’t understand.”

“…Thank goodness… Oh, I hear the fat lady warming up! Look! Here comes the filmed-on-location credits, followed by… the no animals were harmed in the making of this movie bit… That’s always good to know. Humans getting hurt are fine. Animals a no-no… There’s the last of the legal part and… what a surprise, a blank screen… hurray!... ooh, curtains are closing in front of the screen. We’re nearly there… there’s the familiar popping of speakers as the sound is abruptly turned off… the beam of light from the projector has been extinguished… the house lights are brightening and… unexpectedly, we’ve been plunged into darkness.”

“What’s happened?”

“Can you see me?”

“No…”

“There’s your answer.”

“The lights?”

“…The lights.”

“How are we going to walk down the stairs in pitch blackness? I know… Use your phone’s flashlight… oh yeah, battery is...”

“Dead… yup! You picked a fine time to leave…”

“…’me Lucille. With four hungry children and a crop in the field…’”

“…Thank you, Kenny…”

“…I’m sure the lights will come back on, soon.”

“Not the type of thing you want to happen after watching the the redux of The Exorcist in 3D, is it…”

“Aw, it’s okay. Here, hold my hand. I’ll protect you… Jeez, your hand is clammy.”

“I think you’ll find that it’s your hand that’s all clammy.”

“…Oh, so it is…. Hey, let’s play famous movie quotes while we wait, ok?”

“…Sure…”

“I’ll go first… ‘Play it again, Sam’…”

“…That’s not what he said.”

“Yes it is. Bogart says it in Casablanca!”

“That is one of the most common movie misquotes in history… Ingrid Bergman’s character turns up at Rick’s Place - the nightclub - and pleads with the piano player to ‘Play it once, Sam, for old time’s sake. Play As time goes by.’ Then, later in the movie an upset Bogart says, ‘You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can stand it, I can… Play it!’ Never once does he say, ‘Play it again, Sam’”

“…You are such a movie geek… Your turn… try me.”

“…I am your father…’”

“…oh oh oh oh, I know this. Give me a hint…”

“Stop teasing me.”

“Fill the force with soda, you shall… That was too easy… Here’s one… ‘Good evening, Clarice.’”

“Really? You want to do horror in the dark? You always do this.”

“Do what?”

“Try to transfer your nervousness onto me. It’s dark, you’re worried, so you pretend it’s me that’s scared, when it’s really you that’s frightened.”

“…Okay, try this one… ‘It’s alive!’”

“You’re still doing it.”

“I’ll be back.”

“What!? Wait! Where are you going?”

“Nowhere, you idiot. I just quoted Arnie in Terminator.”

“Why don’t you click your ruby red shoes together, so we can go home… HELLO! ANYONE? CUSTOMERS STILL IN SCREEN ROOM FIVE… ALL ALONE… IN THE DARK… CAN YOU PLEASE TURN THE LIGHTS BACK ON OR PROVIDE NIGHT VISION GOGGLES, SO WE CAN…”

“GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!”

“Thank you, Marshall Dillon. I have this.”

“Sure thing, Chester… We could try feeling our way towards the exit.”

“No, it’s too steep. What if one of us fell?”

“Well, they’d be a cushion for the other one to land on.”

“You go first, then...”

“A gentleman to the end, you are.”

“Shush, did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“Ouch! Loosen that iron grip on my arm, please… Listen… It sounds like a kind of laboured heavy breathing coming from the top of the stairs behind us… This is too weird.”

“’My Precious.’”

“Stop! That’s not helping.”

“What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

“Okay, enough of the movie quotes, please…”

“’You talking to me?’”

“Stop! You’re hurting my arm. Why are you continuing this charade? Shush! The footsteps… the breathing… they’re getting closer.”

“’Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night…’”

“What is wrong with you? Are you… you are… You’re freaking out!”

“’Inconceivable!’”

“It sounds like there’s someone standing next to your seat. They’re grunting.”

“’All right, Mister DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.’”

“What the?!? Get that light out of my face.”

“’Here’s Johnny!’”

“…Whoa! Sorry, sir… Whoa, hey! The house lights are back up… Nice to be able to see again… I accidentally blew a fuse in the projectionist room. Someone must have reset the trip switch as I came down to investigate voices I heard. Obviously, yours… as you’re the only ones here. Didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Sure… it’s okay. Thanks for checking on us.”

“Again, it’s all my fault. Sorry it took so long to get down to you. I’m not as fit as I used to be.”

“’Well, nobody’s perfect.’”

“What’s that, Miss?”

“Some Like It Hot, the movie… it’s a quote from it. My partner got a little scared in the dark and reacted by quoting famous lines from movies to hide her anxiety.”

“’…Snap out of it!’”

“I’m sorry, did you just try to slap her?”

“No, no. I wasn’t… It’s from Moonstruck… You know, with Cher and Nicolas Cage?”

“Ah… right. I see what you did. Very good…”

“Again, my apologies for the sensory deprivation. I hope it hasn’t ruined your evening.”

“’You had me at hello.’”

“She’ll be fine once we get some fresh air. Come on, sweetheart, I'm driving you home.”

“Sorry, sir… I need to collect your 3D glasses.”

“Yes, yes. Here's mine. Can’t seem to find hers anywhere. Must have lost them in the dark.”

“Yeah, that seems to happen a lot. Are you okay, sir? Your eyes seem to be darting from side to side.”

“Um… It’s the readjustment to the light.”

“Well, please watch your step as you leave. I’d hate for you to fall while trying to focus.”

“Very kind of you. I’ll be fine… um, we’ll be fine. Goodnight… er…”

“Barry, sir. Friends call me Bazz.”

“’To infinity and beyond!’”

“That’s Bazz, darling, not Buzz.”

“’Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore…’”

“No Dorothy, we’re not. We’re at the movies…”

ROLL STORY CREDITS:

Story produced using Microsoft Word.

Created entirely on location in South Australia.

Copyright Chris Campbell – MMXXII.

Movie quotes provided by the following:

“More popcorn, my pretty.” Courtesy of Miss Quoted - MMXXII.

“Fill the force with soda, you shall.” Courtesy of Miss Quoted - MMXXII.

“We’re gonna need a bigger tub.” Courtesy of Miss Quoted - MMXXII.

“Play it again, Sam.” Courtesy of Miss Quoted (and millions of others) - MMXXII.

“I am your father.” – Star Wars V, The Empire Strikes Back – MLXXX.

“It’s alive!” – Frankenstein – MCMXXXI.

“I’ll be back.” – The Terminator – MCMLXXXIV.

“My Precious.” – The Lord of the rings: Two Towers – MMII.

“You talking to me?” – Taxi Driver – MCMLXXVI.

“Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night.” – All About Eve – MCML.

“Inconceivable!” – The Princess Bride – MCMLXXXVII.

“All right, Mister DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.” – Sunset Boulevard – MCML.

“Here’s Johnny!” – The Shining – MCMLXXX.

“Well, nobody’s perfect.” – Some like it hot – MCMLIX.

“Snap out of it.” – Moonstruck – MCMLXXXVII.

“You had me at hello.” – Jerry Maguire – MCMXCVI.

“To infinity and beyond.” – Toy Story – MCMXCV.

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” – The Wizard of Oz – MCMXXXIX.

Roman numerals provided by : https://www.calculateme.com/roman-numerals/to-roman

Catering provided by Krispy Kreme

Soundtrack to Tubular Bells provided by:

Mike Oldfield

Released on the Mercury label, universal UMC

Copyright Mercury Records Ltd. – MCMLXXIII

Mastered at The Audio Archiving Company

Recorded at The Manor

Published by Universal Music

No animals were harmed in the making of this tale; however, two small felines were fed to preserve the author’s leg from being torn to shreds, just so he could complete this week’s task.