"Ok, Moron"

Assuming you’ve all been back in time, you will have certainly have heard this story. If you haven’t been back in time, then you probably don’t own a time machine. You’ve never heard it? Well then, I’ll tell you.

Yesterday; a short three thousand years from tomorrow; I traveled with a lepidopteran who would try to change the world. A lepidopteran is the scientific name for a caterpillar. (Yes, I am a scientist.) When I first found him, he was an ordinary creature, the shade of light brown, and practically worthless. He was so boring, I almost stepped on him. Well, actually I did kind of step on him. I felt sorry for the little worm, so I scooped up his guts and all that gross stuff and took him back to my lab. Once I got there, I set to work on my revolutionary idea. I filled a small vile with kerosene and vinegar, dumped that over a block of fine granite, and ground it together in my smoothie blender. For finishing touches, I added some space juice. I quickly dropped the caterpillar blob into the concoction, then I checked my recipe book one more time. “Allow brew one hour to take effect,” it read. So, I waited, and waited, and waited. Then finally the timer went off; unfortunately, it only marked the halfway point. I decided to take a nap.

I awoke some time later to the smell of smoke, and something else unidentifiable. I got up, slipped on some purple and teal clogs, and walked back into the lab. What I saw gave me such a start that I crumpled to the ground like a tranquilized bear. I woke up to a colossal insect with his legs on my face.

“Wake up, Moron!” He yelled. Then I fainted again. I opened my eyes, expecting to see a giant caterpillar, but I didn’t. “Just a hallucination.” I told myself. But what I saw in my lab told me otherwise. There wasn’t actually a lab there any more, just the floor. I could even see the trees and birds that I normally only saw through my windows through the wreckage. I quickly got up to tour the rest of my house. Finally, I found a five-foot-ten-inch caterpillar, angerly sorting through my refrigerator. Further investigation told me he had already visited the cupboards as well.

“Who in the world are you?” I asked. Although I should have asked what he was. “I didn’t think you would be so big!” I both marveled and trembled at the creature I had created.

“Whattarya talking about?!?” Jerry mumbled. “I’ve always been this big!”

“You mean you don’t even…” I trailed off as he moved into the next room to rummage around some more.

“Well, it doesn’t really matter,” He replied curtly. “What does matter, is that you are out of giant milkweed.”

“I never had any giant milkweed.” I replied confused.

“What? No milkweed! How are you still living?” He looked horrified.

“I get by,” I said cautiously. I was still terrified, but I tried my best not to faint again.

“Well If I’m going to invent a time machine, then I need giant milkweed!” He exclaimed.

“Excuse me?”, I frowned, “A time machine?”                                                                                      

The caterpillar clears his throat and looks at me gravely. “A minute ago, I had a vision,” he started dramatically. “In this vision, I was spoken to personally by The Big Pickle. He told me to invent a time machine, powered by the juice of an extra kosher dill pickle. If I fail...” He faltered. “Then the world as I know it… will… END!!” I stared at him Blankley for a few seconds, more like a few minutes.

“Moron?” the caterpillar says, waving his leg-like thing in front of my face. “Pick up your clogs and let’s get moving! We need to get some giant milkweed and some magic pickle juice!”

Much later, after we somehow found some giant milkweed, Jerry, as I had come to know the strange cretin as, started on the time machine.

“Ha!” he finally shouted after about an hour of staring at the wall. “It’s so simple!”

“What is it?” I asked excitedly. “Is it a bird? A plane? Superman!?”

“Don’t be dumb, we just need one extra crispy Zistacrabbadooly!” He finishes triumphantly.

“Uh, sorry but I’m fresh out of those.” I said, spreading my hands in helpless gesture. I was also disappointed that Superman wasn’t at the door.

“Yes, I know,” Jerry nodded, “But you do have a refrigerator and a microwave. All you have to do is attach the fridge fan to the microwave cord, then you pickle it up!” I do have to admit that I was doubtful that an extra crispy Zistacrabbadooly would power a time machine, but once Jerry applied it to my Jeep and painted a bunny on the door, it actually looked pretty cool. (Minus the bunny part.) Jerry looked at his watch. Actually it was my watch, but Jerry did not seem to understand that not everything, in fact, belonged to him.

“Holy butterflies!” He gasped. “We only have one hour before we have to leave!”

“That leaves us plenty of time, right?”

He ignored the question. “You guard the time machine.” Then he ghosted back into the house. I waited, and waited, and took a nap, and waited. Finally, with two minutes to spare, Jerry rushed out of the house with a small tin box.

“What’s in the box?” I questioned.

“Brownies.” He said. “You can’t time travel without brownies.”

           “Okaaay.” I raised an eyebrow. I couldn’t think of why brownies might help. “Are they for a specific purpose?”

Jerry looked me in the eyes, the disgust evident on his face, and shook his head slowly. “Brownies always have a purpose, Moron! I’m surprised you of all people wouldn’t understand that!”

I stared blankly for the second time that day and grabbed the brownies from him. “I’ll put them in the back seat!” I sighed in exasperation.

           “Get in Moron! I’m applying the pickle juice!” I hopped into the time machine and fastened my seat belt.

           “Moron! Where’s the juice?” Jerry cried franticly.

           “I bought it this morning and set it on that shelf above the chainsaws. The caterpillar-man grabbed it and dumped it in the fuel tank. Jerry turned the key, and we took off in an explosion of purple and teal. Then I realized we were going so fast my purple and teal clogs had hit me in the face. Before I knew it, we were orbiting Pluto. As Jerry turned the jeep around to face earth, I heard a bang.

“Uh oh.” Said Jerry. His bug-like face was shrouded with dread.

“What is it?” I asked nervously. I was really hoping for Superman right about now.

Jerry crawled into the back seat and grabbed the pickle jar. “NOOOOOOOOO!” He cried.

“What!?” I yelled back.

“We used kosher dill pickles.” His voice lowered to a whisper.

“That’s good right?” I whispered. Superman come quick. I was thinking to myself.

“The Big Pickle said to use extra kosher dill, Moron! We only have twenty seconds to save the world, and all we have is plain kosher dill! He finished sadly. We watched out the window, waiting for the world to explode, or something like that. But Twenty seconds passed, then thirty, and still nothing happened.

“Jerry,” I whispered excitedly. “The world didn’t explode, were okay!”

Jerry didn’t respond.

“Jerry?” I said looking back. But Jerry was gone. In his place was a normal caterpillar

“Oh,” I said aloud to myself. “Jerry’s world ended. He was too selfish to realize that. And now I’m lost in space.” I stared sadly back at earth, wishing I had never tried to save the boring caterpillar that Jerry was when I first found him. But now I knew I couldn’t change time, not even if I wanted to.

Or could I?

Being the scientist that I was, I drained the radiator, and mixed the juice with the kosher dill, turning it into extra kosher dill!” I refilled the fuel tank and held my breath as I turned the key. The Jeep roared back to life, and I yelled in triumph. I revved the engine and took off for earth. I set the dial to two days in the future of yesterday's future past, and pushed the time travel button. Then I was home.

I walked down the lane, my clogs clumping like before, but this time I stopped in time to see Jerry crawling across the walkway. I bent down, close to the caterpillar. “Not this time buddy.” I smiled. Then I picked him up and set him on a stalk of milkweed. “You live a long life ok?” He didn’t answer me, of course, but I could almost hear his sarcastic answer: “Ok, Moron.”