Wakeup Call

Rise and shine, sleepyhead, this is your wakeup call!

“Ugh...”

Come on, this is a big day! You really wanna sleep through the morning and miss our connection? I sure don’t!

“Mmmm...”

Pst, pst- Hey, dingus? Did you just pull a pillow over your head? Cause that’s not gonna help! I’m on the inside, remember?

“Rrgh!”

That’s it, why fight it? Up and at ‘em!

“Hhhaagh. Okay.”

Atta boy!

***

Funny how there are newspapers everywhere you go, huh? Sort of a multiversal constant. Hold on, don’t turn the page yet, I’m still reading it.

“Do you know how to read this alphabet?”

No need to sound so smug, Mister! Where was it that you got your super-human linguistic elasticity, again?

“Fair enough. Just let me know if you need help with any of the big words.”

Hardi-har.

...

“That one’s yllardinyphpeog. It means ‘solar hug,’ like a warm and sunny day.”

Showoff. I was gonna get it!

***

You gonna stand here pulling faces in the hotel mirror all day?

“I’m pulling them at you, you know, directly.”

I appreciate it- especially that one where you do the hamster cheeks and pull up on your nose.

“One of my best. But, I guess we have a connection to catch.”

Got your suitcase?

“Yyyep.”

Final check of the room! It’ll be weeks before you can get back here if you forget anything.

“I already checked.”

Wait, did you get the thing out of the safe??

Ohoho! I’m glad you were standing in front of a mirror so I could see that look! See? And you say you don’t need me!

“I never said that.”

That would have been pretty bad, oof. Picture you leaving here without this thing. Embarrassing!

“Okay, it's safely in my suitcase. I think that’s really everything now. Anything else?”

Uh... don’t think so.

“Now if I forget something it’s on both of us.”

***

Hooooo BOY! I thought we were supposed to get a solar hug today!

"My translation might have been a bit off."

Just a bit! Listen to it pinging off your suitcase!

"Speaking of, this thing is really heavy."

Don't you dare lower it, I really like that hat!

"It's a hat, it's made for keeping the weather off your head."

Uh, this hat didn't have anything worse to worry about than rain where it comes from.

"And this suitcase probably just expected to encase suits all its life, not act as some kind of paintball umbrella."

So it goes. Anyways, there's the dimensional terminal up ahead! Hurry!

***

“I am sorry, Sir, the lecture has been over for an hour.”

Wh- what?

“No, that can’t be right- It was scheduled for... ululietin?”

“Quite so. And it is now ileglietin. Might I draw your attention to the giant clock that dominates the foyer, Sir?”

That’s a clock? How many hands does it have?

“Er, you’re right, of course- of course you’re right- Uh... Do you know if the lecturer is still here?”

“It is my understanding that he is dining with the senior club members in the great hall.”

“Fantastic! Where’s the great hall?”

Oh, ohh, he’s giving you the once-over. Here it comes-

“And who are you, Sir?”

“Pat. I’m Pat Turducken. Patrice. Turducken. Or just Pat.”

Nothing. Not a flicker.

“He- He’ll know me.”

“I am sorry, Sir, but in my capacity as Huelibol, it is my job to protect the Club’s honored guests from interruptions from non-club members such as yourself. You understand, I am sure?”

“But I’ve come such a long way to see him! We’re old friends. If you could just-”

“I am sorry, no exceptions.”

I don’t think you’re gonna get anywhere with this guy.

“Alright... Thank you for your time.”

“Not at all.”

***

Yeah, ‘not at all’ is right! I think he enjoyed turning you away!

“To be fair, I am spattered with purple stuff from whatever that rain was in the last dimension, and I’m towing around a ratty suitcase.”

You’re also like two feet too tall, are missing about eight limbs and have a nose in the middle of your face. I’m just sayin’.

“Come on, less of that! These people see travelers like me all the time. I mean, nobody in this street is giving me a second glance.”

That’s cause they don’t wanna make eye contact with the weirdo who’s talkin’ to himself.

“Fair point.”

And who’s that guy think he is, anyway? Huelibol? Like that’s supposed to mean anything to you?

“Look, it’s fine. He was just doing his job. He’s obviously some sort of attendant-slash-security guard.”

You’re awfully confident in your translations today.

“And you are in such a mood!”

Well, what do you expect? You just got turned away at the gate by a very rude little spider man!

Not Spiderman, you know what I meant.

“Now who’s being specist? Look, it’s okay! We’ll just wait outside the club until he comes out and meet him then.”

But that could take hours! You remember what he’s like- Get him talking about anything and he even forgets to eat!

“Look, here’s a bench in a nice little park. We’ll just install ourselves here and keep an eye on the door of the club, okay?”

Oh, fine.

...

But you know what you could do...

“No.”

I don’t mean here, obviously, but you could go around to the back of the building and find a little out-of-the-way corner to break through.

“That’s a terrible idea!”

What’s the point of having powers like yours if you’re never gonna use them?

“He’s just having lunch, okay? He’ll walk through those doors when he’s finished!”

But what if you miss him? What if you nod off or look away at just the wrong moment and he disappears into this alien city? What then?

***

I knew you’d see reason.

“I still think this is a bad idea.”

What could go wrong?

“What if someone inside notices a part of the wall dissolving, hm? How am I supposed to explain myself if I get caught in the act?”

You just gotta choose a spot that nobody’s lookin’ at!

“Much easier said than done.”

Start with a bit of reconnaissance. You know how to do that, right? Just place your hands against the wall and tell the nanites what you want.

“Hhhaaagh... I hate this part.”

I know, kid, but the nausea will pass in a minute. Come onnn, this’ll be awesome! Shake what your great, great, great, great grandmother gave ya!

“Okay, silence, please.”

Right, right.

...

...

...

I can see it! Can you see it, kid?

“Ugh... Uh huh.”

That’s so cool, how the map sort of overlays your vision like that! Look up at the wall, it’ll make a better backdrop. Hmm. Okay, I think I got it. Call ‘em back.

“Heuugh.”

I know, kid, I know. You’re doin’ great.

...

...

...

“I don’t think I can make a hole right now.”

You’ll be fiiine! Just lie here for a few minutes, it’ll pass. But maybe sort of shuffle into the shadows a little more instead of just lying prone in the middle of- No? Closing the eyes? Oookay.

***

Kid!

Kid!

Hey, Pat!

There you are, I’ve been tryin’ to wake ya for a while! You feeling alright?

“Ugh... Yeah, I think so.”

Yeesh, that little operation really knocked you out! Do you know how long you’ve been lying here?

“Uh,”

Twenty minutes! I’ve been keeping track!

“Twenty minutes? I might have missed him!”

Only one way to find out. Or, you know, more than one way, but maybe you should go easy on the nanobots for a while.

“This is all your fault!”

Don’t forget your suitcase!

“If I had just stayed on that bench like I wanted to-”

I know, kid, I’m sorry! I didn’t think it would lay you out flat like that- it usually doesn’t. You think there might be something in the fabric of this dimension that disagrees with you?

“Back again, I see.”

“Has the lecturer left?”

“I say, have you been sleeping in a gutter?”

“Please, I need to know!”

“He departed some ten minutes ago.”

“Ten minutes. Thank you!”

“Not. At. All.”

Ten minutes. But which direction did he go? How are we gonna find him? Careful running down those steps!

“Gurid! Gurid!”

You better hope that does mean ‘Taxi’ like you think it does.

“I’m not talking to you right now. Gurid!”

Seems to be working. Nice timing!

“Where can I take you?”

“This is going to sound just, so strange, but can I direct you as we go?”

“Sure! I’m starting my meter now, though.”

“That’s fine, that’s fine.”

“So. Which way to start?”

“Just give me a second... Ugh... Okay, that way!”

You’re goin’ for it, huh? Okay Kid, but may I remind you that you’ve never done great in motor vehicles to begin with?

“Can you go a little faster?”

“No can do, I’m afraid!”

“Speed limit, right. Turn left up there, please.”

You’re not lookin’ so hot, kid! Get a load of yourself in that mirror. No don’t push it away, I think he needs that!

“Left again, and then your second right.”

“You going anywhere in particular?”

“Yes and... no... Uph!”

“What’s that- Oh happh, are you okay??”

You’re not okay.

“I’m pulling over!”

I told you this would happen. That’s it, let it all out. Allll over this nice clean sidewalk.

“That was a close call. You, uh, you getting back in or should I collect my fare now?”

“He’s close... Hagh, I’m so sorry about this... Here, take the money. Keep the change, I don’t... Urgh... I- I’ve got to go.”

“You sure you’re okay? You don’t look so good!”

He’s right kid, you’re weaving all over the place! And I can’t make heads nor tails of this map you’re being fed. I’m assuming we’re looking for this bright red dot? Or is that you? I’m gonna assume it’s him. Okay, you just focus on staying on your feet, I’ll take care of the directions. Round this corner up ahead.

Oh. That was easy!

“Hodder!”

Aw, look at him in his Victorian insect twelve-piece suit!

“Pat? Pat Turducken, is that you??”

“Ha ha! Whoa-”

Oh, you’re on the ground now. Thought that might happen.

“Pat! Oh dear, you look awful. A sight for sore eyes, but also just a sight!”

“I’m sorry I missed your lecture... I tried to make it on time.”

“My dear friend! I had no idea you even knew about it, nor that you were anywhere near the vicinity!”

“I... wasn’t exactly... But I always keep an eye open... for my friends’ names in the papers... Even from a few dimensions over. Haagh, sorry, I’m just really weak and kind of nauseous right now.”

“Poor boy! Why don’t you come inside. Can you stand? There we go... Alright now, one step at a time. I can’t tell you what a welcome surprise it is to see you here!”

“We had a heck of a time trying to find you.”

“We? Ah yes, I’d forgotten.”

Really!

“Wait, Hodder, before I forget- I have something for you. Uh...”

Oh no. Where’s the suitcase?

“...Um...”

Ohhhh boy. It’s still in the taxi, isn’t it?

Sorry, the Gurid.

“Ugh... I’ll find it later.”

Yeah, it was a bit of a McGuffin anyway.