The first time the person dies while you are having sex

Sex education at Pablo Escobar's

Cartel housing in Colombia 

South America 

I remember the FBI being at the compound up to about two weeks of it being destroyed by American jets from a aircraft carrier off of Peru. 

I know I'm not the only one who has went through this but I would guess people like me and my experiences in sex this way are very few and far between. While in Colombia South America in the compound Pablo Escobar used to house his drug trade workers as a 3rd grade child I was having sex with a Colombian woman and was almost at the peak of what a 3rd grade boy should have had for one of his first sexual experiences when a cartel killer that had his mind on doing what he did the whole time came up and pulled his pistol out and shot the woman in the head while I was directly on top of her and her face that I was concentrating on suddenly became something that would scar me sexually for the rest of my life with her precious smile turning in an instant to something that would horrify even the most mature. After this the cartel killer wasn't though messing with me and proceeded to cut her up exposing her internal organs and forcing me to help him cut her liver out completely whole without any unnecessary cutting of the liver as a strict punishment if I did. After removing her liver he took it to the kitchen were he proceeded to cut it up as if it were a piece of meat for the market. He fried it up and placed it on the table that evening for supper needless to say I had lost my appetite and did not desire to be around him for some time. The other killers kept criticising me and tried to boost my confidence until I finally got the courage to do the same thing to him I caught him on top of another woman and before he could react I shot his woman in the head the same way except I didn't have any interest in her liver and he showed me his respect from that day forward promising not to do it again as long as I promised the same. Some life lesson I had been forced to destroy something as beautiful as sex by being exploited in death with the pull of a trigger needless to say I have a real hard time forming any kind of bond with a woman. Unfortunately it didn't stop there he noticed that I became very friendly with some mature young teenage Columbian boys that were working in the fields of coca trees and sleeping with them at night I formed a bond very quickly with one in particular that I grew a crush on and basically became his boyfriend and was sleeping with him every night one night weeks after the woman incident the cartel killer came up behind us and I could only think up he was choking him out while we were hooked up but as it turns out he didn't pass out his throat had been cut and I began to have the most tramadic sexually experience of my life he fell limp on to my back and the other boys w told me he was dead but I couldn't believe it I was a child I had no reason to believe it. As his blood ran down my back as I attempted to stand up and kept calling out to him but he wouldn't respond the blood hit the floor with a heavyness that will never forget it sounded like the empting of a full bucket being poured out at once and sent me into a panic that took some of the other boys working together to calm me down long enough for another one to get him loose off of me because rigamortous had set in and I was screaming as I pulled him like a slay back and for over there blankets and them trying to get free convinced he wasn't dead because he wouldn't let go. Then once calmed down the cartel killers demanded that his body be throwed in the pit and only one boy stepped up and offered to help me. As we proceeded to get it over with on the way to the pit it became to difficult to carry him together and the boy decided it would be easier to finish cutting of his head that was hanging by very little and kept slinging back and forth on to his grip he had on him. He decided it was too much indeed for both of us and said if I would carry his head he would carry his torso the rest of the way. By the time I got to the pit I had become carzy temporarily because of all the stress and began to kiss his head crying and sobbing turning into laughing as I tried to push it out of my mind that it even happened. But as I went back and took a shower with the boy who helped me we went back to lay down on the floor to sleep and I realized that I would never really get over it or the women that had been killed and attribute that to my main difficulties forming a bond with any one I love. Having my only sexual relationship with a friend who had a girlfriend and was just really putting me on feeling sorry for me though he never knew about my experiences in South America he would only help me out when I needed him the most and sadly in 2007 after he was having a break down of sorts he took his own life in front of me with a shotgun to the head I tried to get to him in time but he had already pulled the trigger and fell back I reached out to him only grasping a little of his body mass picking him up from the ground to hold him in my arms as I yelled into his face calling out his name he seemed to almost come to one last time and sincing that I was near as if he heard me his face began to smile then fade away into a motion less shattered version of it's original form. He spoke to me repeated before saying that his one wish in life was to kill himself in front of someone that really loved him I always thought he was kidding but it has been my experience in the past that there is never any joking around when suicide is concerned and I do not take lightly to the matter of people making fun of that type of comment. Your life is precious and beautiful no matter how painful or sorrowful it becomes stick it out and hang on. It will get better. It will never rain every day hold on to something stronger than you are. Reach out to the Lord and ask Jesus for help and he will get you though another day. One day at a time and every day is a good day if you don't believe me try missing one it just can't and shouldn't be done. The truth is something that people rarely embrace and even more seldomly tell anyone much less totally stangers but I feel what you hold in secret will destroy you and what you speak honestly about you will be forgiven and Jesus is the only one that I seek forgiveness from and the only person I owe all my life to. I pray to always be as honest as that about everything in my life but it's not easy when it's not tramadic when you see it as every day sin.

PS Thanks for listening to my problems hope you don't have any like mine in your life.