It wasn't a birthday gathering.

The first thing I remember was standing in the mirror putting on an old suit. My memory was a tad bit hazy at that point, but I can still recall that the suit I wore wasn’t the finest I owned. I didn’t believe any other fancier suit deserved to be at such a dull gathering, even if it was in my praise. Another problem is that I could not recall who organized this event. Could it have been a coworker? Maybe it was meant to be a surprise for my birthday, I always forgot when that was. Either way, I knew it wouldn’t be very fun. I straightened my tie, it was black. I’d found that most people were bleak. They never really worked for anything and were always willing to take the easy way out.  But I mean, who am I to complain? I haven't necessarily tried to find interesting people. I just expect them to come to me, like a magnet.

However, I remember very clearly that when I walked through those big doors of our office workplace's gallery, no one looked at me. Bloody hell, this was supposed to be meant for me, but they just continued chatting away as if it was another regular Wednesday. It was Wednesday, correct?

As I continued to walk through the gallery I spotted a group of people in the most colorful suits I’d ever seen. They looked like f-ing flamingos at a circus. At least look respectable at my party, it's like they didn’t know I’d be here to yell at them. I thought twice and chose to save them from the humiliation, it would just waste my time and ruin my day. Everyone else seemed to appreciate my style though, they chose to wear black as well. There were tables scattered about the room but soon enough I spotted a table bearing a variety of snacks. It's like someone knew I’d hate everything about this already so they chose to make it worse with ‘animal crackers.’  Those childish, sugar-coated pieces of junk made me gag - I grabbed one just in case. Afterward, I headed straight toward the liquor bar but found that nothing looked appealing. At this point I wasn’t too concerned with what was happening, it seemed everyone was in their own world. In response, I snatched a chair from underneath a woman standing momentarily. Atop it, I blinked at the crowd. They made an effort to be here so I wanted to make it worthwhile. Upon announcing my presence, a couple of gasps erupted from around- a woman nearby nearly fainted. I didn’t know why they were all shocked but it made me second-guess my already-prepared speech. It was as if they didn’t expect me to come! Which, can I really blame them? When have I ever attended a work-related social gathering? I’m pretty sure I didn’t know half of these people, but they all kind of looked the same. I suppose that’s what happens when you’ve been working a nine-to-five for twenty years just to provide for your seven cats back at home. Dull eyes all around me were now full of shock. Mouths were held agape, inhaling sharply. I could feel my face flushing from embarrassment, I knew I was handsome but really, this? 

“Hello everybody, I’d like to thank you - though I cannot say for much…” I trailed off.  “-for coming to this event to recognize my efforts in life.” As I went on the fog started to clear from my head. I was right to assume this was all for my birthday. I would’ve been 32 years old.

“To another year well lived!” I held up one of my animal crackers as a way to toast the occasion. No one moved. I gripped the cracker quite awkwardly until a guy in the far right of the still-gathering crowd grumbled “Goddammit!” I knew him as Gerald, the guy that hogged the photocopier machine. He wore a glare underneath his thickly-rimmed glasses and said, “I knew it was too good to be true.” Then he said to the people around him, “I’d just seen him yesterday. I knew we hated him but to plan the funeral that fast? This has to be some kind of joke. Oh, he’s risen from the dead alright…” I was so utterly confused, what on earth did Gerald mean by funeral? More importantly, they hate me? Honestly, it was mutual. But I really did try this time. I even helped carry a co-worker’s plant out to their car after they’d gotten fired. In fact, the plant was twice the size of me, it almost qualified as a tree. And on a separate occasion, I refrained from eating another man's burrito from the office fridge. If you’ve ever worked with people whom you also shared a fridge with, you would know how hard it is to resist eating their food after they disregarded your idea proposal at the latest meeting. I deserved more.

“You know, he has no family… so the company took it upon themselves to do this for him, to say a final goodbye. I told them not to bother.” He looked up at me like I was in on a mean joke. People around him stayed silent til some lady in the back, who I later recognized as my neighbor, squabbled “But when I found him on my lawn this morning, I was sure as hell he was dead. He even made an imprint of himself on my nice green grass!” On her lawn? What on earth- I looked around quickly, scanning the crowd. 

It was only when I glanced behind me that I locked eyes on … well a very unflattering version of my own face. It was an ugly close-up of myself in a tacky dollar-store frame. I recognized the image from work ‘picture-day’. The company didn't care enough to hire a legit photographer so they just paid our social media manager extra. Bad idea.

Underneath the picture it read, 

‘Bruce William - For him, dying was only a small setback ’

At least they got that part right.

So, not my birthday I guess.