Indescribable Like or Love? - Continued

"I'm sorry Elle, I lied to you"

Why did I have to say that? Ugh whats wrong with me. Now I have to explain. Why am I hugging her too? Ever since I found out about my feelings I've been doing ridiculous things. Its like I have these urges that I just follow subconsciously. Its so hard to hold back, I've never felt this way.

Well now I'm holding her to my chest, smelling her hair. How am I going to get out of this one. Elle grips my shirt as she hugs back.

"What do you mean 'lied'?" she says. I want to say something but- my mouth feels dry and won't move. My chest is pounding and hurts so bad and shes right on my chest so does she hear it?

"Ben? tell me" she says squeezing tightly. I really did not want this to go like this, this wasn't how I was supposed to tell her my feelings. I was going to wait until we got a little used to being married, but I just ended up saying I lied. Now she won't even trust me and here I was hoping she liked me.

"Um Elle?" I say holding my breath, I'm going to need her to let go first.

"Will you tell me everything when we leave" she asks me. Not. Letting. Go.

"Maybe" I respond. "Just let go Elle, please" I say gripping her shoulders. She finally pulls away.

"Your the one who hugged me Ben" she says with disappointment in her voice.

"I know, I'm sorry" I say finally breathing, I'm not making this good at all.. “Wanna ditch the movies?” I ask her.

“Yeah” she says with a smile in her voice. We walk out the theaters and she is looking around carefully, nervously.

“So..” I say. “Are you going to tell me about this fight you had?”

“Not a fight! Is that all you see me as? a person who snaps all the time?” she says with another pout.

“No, I see you as someone who doesn’t take s**t from anyone” I respond. “I think thats a good thing”. She smiles at that, I smile to myself. I love seeing her smile.

“I- when I was walking in and I tripped on someones foot, and I said I was sorry! and he went on to call me the B word! Can you believe that? It pissed me off” she says crossing her hands with the bag of candy I got her.

“Oh, well I can see why you snapped” I say, looking at her fingers. It would be nice if we could hold hands.. I held her hands for a good amount of the day and I still want more. Just what is wrong with me?

“Right! And I told him straight facts and he had the nerve to yell at me, in the dark so I ran off” she says. “Are you even listening?” she asks.

“Yes! I am- of course I am.” I clear my throat. Partially, I was thinking about her. If this was anyone else I would have told them whats straight on my mind but now I get nervous and these stupid urges of mine are driving me insane.

“How would you react if that happened to you?” she asks me pushing the bag of candies in her gray hoodie, we both accidentally wore the same outfit. Sweats and a hoodie, hers is gray, mine black, she fused about me copying her style, but since she’s so freaking tiny, it was just cute seeing her stomp around like that.

“I wouldn’t say anything. I know I’m not so what does it matter?” I say with a shrug putting my hands in my pockets before I do something stupid.

“What!” she says in clear surprise.

“Your family is known for your amazing snapping skills. And my family is known for not caring” I respond with another shrug. “Its just the way it is, the word doesn’t affect me, its just a word.”

“You make me feel stupid now” she says looking down.

“Oh shoot I’m sorry. I mean, no I didn’t mean to say what you did was wrong, its just I would do it differently” I say stepping in front of her.

“I know but still, whenever you say something or give an explanation. it just makes me question everything I know and do. Makes me think, you know” she says meeting my eyes.

“I feel the same way” I respond without thinking. I brush my hand against her cheek, once again not thinking. Her eyes widen in response, I take a breath, just what am I doing? But I lean in anyways.

Then the wind blows, messing everything up! Its a good thing I mean I don’t even know if she feels the same way I do. And here I am leaning for a kiss. I was raised better, but here I am disappointed.

"Are you okay?" I ask her as the cold wind blows her hair in her face. I stifle a laugh as she pushes her thick hair out of the way.

"Stop laughing!" she says nudging me. "Ugh I hate my stupid hair" she continues. I frown at that. It always makes me unhappy whenever she hates things about herself, I know she thinks shes not good enough but if she could just look at herself from my eyes, she would see how amazing I think and know she is.

"I like it" I say. "Your hair is so full and beautiful, it even has different shades of brown in it. Naturally!

She smiles as she touches it, embarrassed, I'm way more embarrassed, it took a lot to say those words. Even holding her hands is killing me on the inside.

"But its always everywhere and makes me look like I have a lions mane or something" she says.

"So what? do you want to cut it?" I ask her.

"No, NEVER!" she says with a surprised look.

"So its important to you then? I'm not sure where you got the idea that your hair resembles a lions mane. But your hair is yours, don't let anyone make you think any different. Okay?" I ask her.

I know she was bullied in her early years, it makes me upset even thinking about it. I remember some girls were messing with her back in middle school. Me and Elle were in the same school back then, and Elle was super quiet, she never bothered anyone so it surprised me that the girls were picking on her.

We were outside for recess and Elle was swinging on the swings. Alone of course. Then the girls came behind her and pulled her down from the swings by her long frizzy hair. Elle screamed in pain while the girls laughed. I remember I was sitting there watching, I couldn't do anything, no I didn't want to get involved. After all she was from the family my family always talked bad about. So I turned around and read my book, but I couldn't focus. I kept saying 'it has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with me, nothing to do with me'

But before I knew it I was standing up walking over to them. But turns out Elle didn't need me. I still remember how she snapped, it was like a cold aura was coming from that area. She yelled at them and before I knew it she was on top of them beating them up. I stared in awe at her. I thought she was this quiet girl that couldn't hurt a fly, but look at her; beating up 3 girls on her own. When she saw me looking at her, she yelled "WHAT!"

I gasped in fear. Then I turned back around and said "I won't tell anyone so keep doing what your doing"

For the rest of recess, I read in peace. That day I never would have guessed I would have these feelings that I have now. I never would have imagined that she would be my wife.

…..

My fingers brush hers. And hers does the same. I wonder if I should just hold it already..I want too. I rub my neck with my other hand clearing my throat. Gosh is this what guys all over the world have to deal with? I mean with the amount of girlfriends I’ve seen them have its crazy how they look so comfortable.

I gasp. She just grabbed my 3 fingers. Okay lets not freak out, its clear she wants to hold hands. Maybe it was an accident or something. I clear my throat, my heart is going crazy, I’m going to die early, I just know it

"Is it okay if we um...never mind" she says releasing her hand from mine.

"No its fine" I blurt out grabbing her hand quickly. Wow smooth Ben, real smooth. but at least I’m finally holding her hand, her hands a little cold so I pull them into my pocket, squeezing it a little. I side eye her, shes smiling down, embarrassed. Cute. She glances up while I’m still looking at her. I feel my eyes go wide and we both look away. I clear my throat once more. I’m dying early, I just know it.

....

"Can you tell me now?" Elle said slumping on the couch, her brown eyes watched me with concern. We had made it back to our big hotel with only one bed. Our parents doing of course.

"Elle, I-" I stop talking then I sit next to her. "Actually, you were shivering earlier, I can make you some tea or…."

"No" Elle says grabbing my arm pulling me back down, she doesn't let go. "Just tell me, please Ben." she says. But its not that simple, dang it! What if she gets mad and calls for divorce. After all she never wanted to get married, and I didn’t want to either, well that was before. But now I love hanging out with her, its like we get each other, or maybe I’m the only one who feels that.

"Danielle I-" I said her name again DANG! A smile comes to her lips. I clear my throat and I breathe. Man up

"Elle, I lied to you, I was going to wait until we were fully comfortable near each other before I told you, I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable, but I just blurted it out" I say she nods biting her lip, worried. At this point let me not look at her. I pull a hand through my hair and hold it there for awhile before letting go.

"Two weeks before the first wedding- the day you were sobbing and I told you 'I don't love you', I lied. Well no! Not really lied.." I pull a hand through my hair once more. "I don't know if I love you, but I do know I like you...a lot." I blurt out. Her eyes widen with surprise, and I don't want to know if thats a good surprise or a bad one. She opens her mouth to speak but I interrupt.

"And uh!" I say immediately getting up, walking over to the big window. "I'm not good with feelings at all. And I know this must come to a surprise but I do, so much" I sigh. "I also knew about the wedding, before you, not when I was 20, but I was seventeen."

I turn to her, her face is still in surprise, I need to keep talking.

"It was an accident, my parents were talking and I over heard and I pieced things together and I just- the deal was to tell us at 20 and if your family found out about me knowing early the deal would be in trouble, and you guys have beautiful anger skills, so my parents told me not to tell you so I just acted surprised" I say quickly as I pull a hand through my hair.

Everything is coming out at once and I just don't want her to hate me. "I never would have thought I would grow these feelings but I do! okay and I really don't want us to break up..so please Elle-" I say turning to her. But her cheeks are stained with tears. Why is she crying? no..no.

“No no..no Danielle, I’m sorry I seriously didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry, if you want to cut off the deal then fine, I’ll do it just don’t cry, please” I plead with her wiping her tears.

“Thats not it!” she says leaning her head on my chest. “I like you too” she mumbles. I must have heard wrong.

“What?” I ask her. There’s no way that she does, no way.

“I like you too! So stop talking about divorce” she yells pulling away. “Why did you have to say it first, I was freaking out all day about telling you, and you drop this bombshell and I just-”

And just like that, my lips are on hers and I can't stop it. I pull her closer and closer, I never got to kiss her at our wedding but this makes up for it right? My thoughts clear up and all I feel and think about is her.

I pull her away quickly breaking the kiss. If I kiss her anymore who knows what would happen. She breaths deeply.

“Why did you do that?” she says looking down at my arms around her waist.

“It was an accident” I mutter.

“Really” she asks looking up at me with those beautiful glossy eyes. Her eye lashes seem to shimmer because of her tears which have stopped.

“No..” I say placing my head on her shoulder. “I did it on purpose” I continue. She strokes my hair with a pat. Its like I’m a huge baby.

“I like you” Elle says.

"I like you too" I say with a humongous smile on my lips. “I’m sorry I made you cry, I thought you would be mad at me" I say sitting up, she grabs a blue blanket folded perfectly. Elle unfolds it and puts it over us and sits close to me. I smell her hair once more, my heart hasn't quite recovered from everything.

“Hm?” I ask her.

“You seemed cold” she replies she sits in silence for awhile and I look at the way she breathes. Up, down, up. I’m not sure what shes thinking but I don’t want to push anything.

“When my family told me about all of this..I was upset I hated you for taking away my chance from finding a first love, you know. I wanted a fairy tale life and I felt that you took that away." she says as she leans her head on my chest. Ow I feel a stab in my chest.

"Oh Elle, I'm sorry.." I say holding my hand on her hair, I run through her hair with my fingers. Gosh, her lips were so soft..Stop Thinking About That!!

"No let me finish" she says. "That day when I yelled at you for not caring and you told me how you felt about your parents peace. It changed something in me, you crushed all my dreams at once and you gave me a whole new one. I think that was the day I started realizing these feelings for you. I watched you for the extra years our parents gave us and I realized how happy you made me. I could be myself near you, I liked you Ben." she ends and my heart thumps harder.

"I was the one who requested to put our marriage dates till our 25th birthday because..I didn't want us to marriage without any feelings involved, I wanted us to be at least be friends, I wanted to grow these feelings of mine. I wanted to tell you how I felt today, I wanted to tell you that I loved being married to you..but you beat me to it." she says with her hand on my chest she immediately pulls away to meet my eyes.

"I don't like that you lied to me and my family but I see why you did. And if you didn’t we probably wouldn’t be here" she says with a slight smile. "I am happy that you told me the truth. But I am your wife now, I don't want us to lie to each other or keep any secrets from one another" she says.

"Okay I promise I won't do that ever again" I respond looking down at her lips, I know I should stop but its the only thing I keep thinking about. I meet her eyes and move in closer to her she looks nervous now.

"Can I?" I ask to make sure. She nods. So I touch her cheek and I kiss her lightly, then again deeper this time. This time I grabbed her tightly never letting go.

I kissed her again...and again.....and forever.

.....

We always question ourselves trying to figure out whether what we felt was love but love isn't something we know or feel. Love is what we are.

Love is loyalty and trust, Love takes time to grow, Love is not perfect it finds flaws and fixes them. And last of all, Love requires two people who will do anything for each other. Love is a true feeling that lasts a lifetime. But with the right person.

Love is a word people use carelessly in life, its a word so overrated but the meaning underrated. They claim to love but still leave, so I can't help wondering; is that really love?

One last thing about Love;

Its indescribable.