A Very Big Pile of Ellawyn Crap

"Lord Balister's men are at it again," Oakaford, the captain of the Stumper Guard, said as he entered Lady Nimmo's living room, which was currently serving as the temporary town hall.

Lady Nimmo put down her quill pen and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Where this time?"

The magical tree stump was carrying a rolled parchment that he placed on the table. The parchment revealed a detailed map of Trungen Forest. "There," Oakaford pointed to a spot on the southeastern edge of the forest.

"That man!" Lady Nimmo stood. "Oakaford, assemble the Stumper Guard!"

"Yes, my Lady." Oakaford went to leave when he hesitantly turned back. "So, you mean," he cleared his throat, "like, for battle?"

Lady Nimmo nodded.

Oakaford went to leave again and half-turned back. "I guess we should take swords and such?"

Lady Nimmo nodded again.

With that, Oakaford walked out. However, a second later, he peeked back, only his head showing. "Are you sure about this?"

When the room was cleared, Lady Nimmo sighed in exhaustion. She didn't want to deal with this, but Lord Balister's tree-stealing insults could no longer be ignored. She called for Rain Storm, her personal attendant.

"I must speak with my father and the former King's Guard. Please ask them to meet me here."

"Yes, my Lady. A dozen fires couldn't stop me," he bowed like all stumpers, leaning forward as far as possible without falling over.

While waiting, Lady Nimmo thought about Lord Balister—the thorn in her side. They have had a unique relationship. It began with him kidnapping her, then attempting to force her to make a stumper army for him. When that failed, he began to steal her trees. Over a hundred Trungen trees have been stolen over the past three months.

Rain Storm returned with the men. She quickly updated them and asked for their advice.

Zartan, a muscular man in middle age, stood with conviction, "I say we give him what he wants."

"He wants a fight," Lady Nimmo said.

"I know. So, let's give it to Lord Belch-a-more and his toy soldiers. Between us, the Stumper Guard, and your archers, we'd clean the field with them."

She admired Zartan's zeal. She also noted that her father and the other former King's Guards agreed.

"Is there another way? Am I missing something?" Lady Nimmo asked.

Ben, the oldest of the guards at fifty-five, had a secret project only he, the Spirit of Trungen, and a handful of stumpers knew about. Ben and his team searched for the herd of Ellawyn's that had inadvertently caused a forest fire. Their intention was to train them not to fear fire. The elephant-sized beast with long hair and giant heads can blow hurricane-force winds to defend themselves. It goes without saying they are a considerable fire risk. However, they inadvertently discovered that Ellawyns don't mind having a rider.

"I believe I might have one," Ben said. "Some of us have trained ellawyns to be ridden. We have over a dozen saddles with stumper riders that could lead a non-lethal charge to remove Lord Balister's men from our forest."

Everyone's eyes were bugged out as they stared at Ben.

"Those stinky beasts?" Zartan said.

"I think that is wonderful," Lady Nimmo said.

"Those hairy stinky beasts?" Zartan said with more vigor.

Jor slapped Ben's back, "You old dog."

"Those lanky hairy stinky beasts?!" Zartan said, almost unhinged.

"Could someone help Zartan," Lady Nimmo said. "I think he's broken."

"Those fat-headed.."

Jor, who put his hand over Zartan's mouth, prevented him from saying anything more. "I'll remove my hand slowly, but if you say anything else about those beasts, I'll slap you silly."

"Mm, mm."

"I'll take that as a yes," Jor said, removing his hand. Zartan remained silent, his eyes still half-crazed.

His reaction would have been better understood had anyone known the reason for his behavior. Shortly after the Ellawyn forest fire, Zartan was out exploring when he happened upon a hill where the ellawyns were grazing. He was startled, and his reaction began a chain reaction from the ellawyns, which blew him down the hill, where he landed face-first in a pile of ellawyn crap. A very big pile of ellawyn crap.

They all agreed to give the ellawyns a try, Zartan abstaining. They figured there was no harm in attempting a less violent way. However, they also decided to be ready for battle just in case.

On the southeastern edge of Trungen Forest, over fifty lumberjacks were busy chopping down trees, hacking off limbs, and loading logs onto large wagons. Two dozen soldiers working for Lord Balister protected them. Although the lumberjacks saw it as being overseen, one can understand the confusion since Lord Balister is known for misunderstandings.

A shout was made by one of the soldiers, "To arms! To arms! Enemy approaching!" Lord Balister's troops formed ranks and faced the approaching force.

Lady Nimmo led a rag-tag mixture of men, stumpers, ellawyn, and women through the densely packed forest. They marched until they were within a hundred feet of the enemy. Both sides were still and quiet. Birds sang, oblivious of the armies facing each other.

"You're trespassing and stealing!" Lady Nimmo shouted. "This is our forest and our trees. Leave now, or we will be forced to remove you ourselves."

The enemy soldiers never moved nor acknowledged Lady Nimmo's words. A command was given, and the enemy's back row raised their bows fitted with arrows. Lady Nimmo simultaneously shouted out commands, and several things happened at once. The female archers raised their bows. Oakaford led dozens of stumpers to form a line of protection for the archers. The ellawyn cavalry pushed to the front line. The enemy archers released their arrows. The ellawyn cavalry began to blow at that moment, sending the arrows high into the air and knocking the soldiers on their backs. They continued to slide on their backside until they were far outside the forest's edge. The soldiers were in no mood to continue the fight when they recovered, so they retreated. 

The lumberjacks needed no windy persuasion for them to run. They dropped their axes and saws and never looked back.

The triumphant misfit army returned to Jorton with much praise and fanfare. A feast was held, and the entire village celebrated.

Among the festivities, Lady Nimmo and her father sat alone, their legs stretched out, looking up through leaves and branches into the sky.

"I'm afraid Lord Balister isn't going away," Jor said.

"I know. He's ticked that I made a fool of him."

"Yeah," Jor pulled his pipe from his pocket. "But a man who makes the vow of Xer-Bane doesn't need your help to be made a fool."

Lady Ninmo chuckled. Her chuckle was replaced with an expression of deep thought and guilt.

"It will come to a fight one day. I'm sure of that." Jor packed his pipe with tobacco and brought the stem to his mouth without lighting it. 

"I don't want others hurt because of me."

Jor chewed his pipe in deep thought for a few minutes. He put his pipe down and said, "When you were only eight or nine, I can't exactly remember. Anyway, we were living in Selwyn at the time. The sun blacked out in the middle of the day. We adults understood that Xer-Bane was flying between the sun and Wanowyn, but you had no idea what was happening. He hadn't flown that high in a decade or so, so you had never seen it before. I remember you had the strangest reaction." Jor laughed. "Do you remember?"

Lady Nimmo shook her head.

"You kept apologizing for breaking the sun. It took Mom and me some time to calm you down." Jor laughed and shook his head. "You had just carved a new stick creature and thought it broke the sun somehow."

"I did?" Lady Nimmo squinted her nose as she said this.

"You did, and the problem is, you still think you're breaking stuff." Jor eyed his daughter. "If any of us gets hurt, it is Lord Balister's fault – not yours."

Lady Nimmo stared at her father, who had just put his unlit pipe back into his mouth. She'd seen this quirk all her life. When the pipe goes in, the point has been made. Nothing more needed to be said.

"I love you, Dad," she kissed him. "You know. You're getting wiser the older I get."