No Returns

No Returns

Mr. Arnie Irk

 Customer Relations                                                                                    

 Acme Amateur Aviators

Dear Mr. Irk,

Walmart says I needed to contact you directly in regard to issues I am having with my recent purchase of your Acme Remote Control Z-127-B model airplane.

I would first like to take issue with some of the language used on the Walmart site. I do not believe the term “Easy to Assemble” is an accurate description of the steps necessary to put the product together. After two days I am only on page three of your twenty-seven page instruction booklet. And “No Tools Required” does not seem to be appropriate as I have already had to borrow a screwdriver, a vice, a set of Allen wrenches, a hammer, a power drill, a table saw, and a blow-torch from my neighbor Harry, and like I said, I’m only on page three. I ask that you bring these concerns to the attention of your Technical Support Department.

The biggest problem I am having with your product is that I am missing several seemingly critical parts:

-The propeller.

-The remote control unit.

-One wheel.

-The left wing.

I would very much appreciate it if you send me the missing parts by express delivery as I plan to give it to my son, Billy, for Christmas. It is the #1 thing on his wish list to Santa so I have to have it built by then.

Sincerely,

Herb Mealy

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

I am so sorry that you are missing parts on your recent purchase. Sometimes that shit happens. Make sure you look through the packaging real good. Sometimes stuff will get lost in all the paper and cardboard pieces they use for shipping. You should also check under the sofa and behind drapes and places like that to make sure you didn’t misplace the parts. Whatever the case, because we value you as a customer, I have instructed our Parts Department to ship the missing parts to you today.

Also, I have been assured by my Product Development Department that the unit is in fact quite easy to assemble for a reasonably competent customer. Do you want to hear something funny? The Department Director says a reasonably gifted monkey could put it together in a few hours! I thought you’d get a kick out of that.

Thanks for shopping Acme.

Arnie Irk

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Dear Mr. Irk,

Thank you for your quick response regarding the matter of the missing parts for my model airplane. Unfortunately, you sent me parts for the Z-127-C model airplane, and I need the parts for your Z-127-B model.

Please send out the correct parts immediately as we’re getting closer to Christmas. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Herb Mealy

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

That’s a bummer. The same thing happened to us once. My little boy Barney needed a controller for his Atari and they sent us the wrong one. He was so mad he bit his mother.

Well, that’s neither here nor there. Just return the stuff you received in error, and as soon as we get it, we’ll send the right stuff out.

Sincerely,

Arnie Irk

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Dear Mr. Irk,

I need you to send the parts right now! Why should I have to wait until you get the stuff you sent me in error before you send me the right stuff? You guys screwed up in the first place by not having the parts in the package, and then you screwed up again when you sent me the wrong parts.

 I need the correct parts now!

Sincerely,

Herb Mealy

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

There is no need to get testy. And I thought we were doing so well working together to solve this little problem.

Our Fraud Prevention Department requires that we receive the extra parts that should not be in your possession before we send you even more parts. Without such measures, unscrupulous people could file falsified claims and cost our company a bundle. I’m sure you can understand that. Such security measures help keep our costs down and allow us to offer quality products at bargain basement prices. I’m sure you can appreciate that.

I look forward to hearing from you soon so we can continue to work together to solve this pesky problem.

Sincerely,

Artie Irk

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Dear Mr. Irk,

I am not trying to rip off your company! I just want the right stuff that I paid $178.75 for.

Enclosed are the parts you sent me in error. It is costing me $27.50 to ship this package to you. This is all your company’s fault, and I expect to be fully reimbursed for the shipping costs.

Send my stuff out!

Sincerely.

Herb Mealy

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

The cost of returning goods that are improperly in your possession is your sole responsibility. And you could have avoided this expense by dropping the items off at our facility in Butte, Montana where we happily accept such items free of charge.

Enclosed are the following items that go with your Z-127-B model airplane which you purchased at an unbelievably low price:

-Propeller.

-Remote control unit.

-Wheel.

-Wing.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if there is anything else I can do for you.

Sincerely,

Artie Irk

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Dear Mr. Irk,

You sent me the wrong freaking wing! I needed the left wing, and you sent me the right wing! Not the “right” wing like the correct one, but the one that goes on the right side of the plane, and I need the wing for the left side of the plane. I can’t put two right wings on your %#@! airplane. Send me a left wing for the Z-127-B now!

I’m spending another $27.50 to ship your freaking wing back as I cannot take advantage of your stupid offer to return it in person because I live 1,600 miles from Butte!

Herb Mealy

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

I cannot help where you live. The fact that you don’t live in the Butte area is hardly my fault. I’m sure you can understand that.

I regret the fact you received the wrong wing. They all look pretty much the same, and we’ve had some recent turnover in our Parts Departments. And the whole left/right thing can be confusing. I mean, if you are inside the plane, the left wing is on your left. But if are standing in front of the plane and looking at it, the left wing will be on your right, so you can see where something like this could happen.

 You also need to understand that your order isn’t our only screwup, so you just have to be patient. I’m sure you don’t want special treatment at the expense of other innocent, blameless customers, so let’s not push it.

Sincerely,

Artie Irk

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Mr. Irk,

I sent you your goddamn wing two weeks ago, and I still haven’t received the correct wing. What the hell is going on?! I’ve dealt with incompetent companies before, but yours is the %#@*! worst. Christmas is in two weeks, and I need my freaking wing!

Herb Mealy

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

There is no reason to get your undies in a bundle. There is a perfectly understandable reason for the delay in getting you your wing. The particular part you’re looking for is on backorder due to labor unrest and a nasty mishap at our overseas production facility. I have been assured the problems could possibly maybe be resolved within the next few weeks.

I know this means that your boy won’t get his present on Christmas, but may I suggest an alternative? One year I couldn’t get the LEGGO schoolhouse and bus set I promised our little Barney for Christmas. Instead, we gave him several pictures of the LEGGO set Christmas morning, and he was so excited to see the pictures knowing that’s what he would be getting some time in the future. Then when he did get the LEGGO set, it was like a second Christmas for him! I wish you could have seen it! We still talk about it.

So, enclosed are several pictures of an assembled Z-127-B model airplane that you could give him at Christmas. Then he’ll get a second Christmas when the real one is assembled. Problem solved!

Sincerely,

Artie Irk

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Mr. Irk,

Enclosed are the Z-127-B pictures you sent me. Please take them and shove them up your butt.

I’ve had it. I just want my money back. You should also send me the $55.00 I spent on shipping, but I’ll settle for the $178.75 I put out for your stupid airplane. Please issue my refund immediately so I can get my kid something else for Christmas.

Herb Mealy

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

You must not have read the teensy-weenie small print in our Terms and Conditions where it clearly spells out our No Refund policy. The document was drafted by the head of our Legal Department himself, my Uncle Arnie “The Ankle Biter” Irk, and he assures me it is air-tight.

I declined to take your suggestion on what I could do with the Z-127-B pictures I sent you out of the kindness of my heart. I regret that this could not have been resolved amicably as we value our relationships with all of our customers. Sometimes, however, we run into people like you who cannot be reasoned with, and we close our file with a “Too bad, so sad - Sucks to be you.”

Sincerely,

Artie Irk

P.S. I sure hope your left wing doesn’t somehow get lost when it comes in. Heh, heh, heh.

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Mr. Irk,

You son-of-a-bitch! My cousin’s neighbor is an attorney so get ready to get your pants sued off! We’re going for the price of your worthless airplane, the shipping costs, pain and suffering (lots of it), and sky-high punitive damages! You will rue the day you messed with Herb Mealy, Irk you jerk!

Herb Mealy

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

Oh, I’m so scared! Bring it on, you mealy-mouthed little weasel. Do ever wonder how “The Ankle Biter” got his nickname? The guy is relentless, mean, and nasty. He sued his own mother- twice. Put her in the poor house. He wrote a book about it.

Sincerely,

Arnie Irk

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

It was a pleasure meeting with you. Yes, I think you have a great case against those corporate pigs at Acme. We’ll get so much money that you might even get some. Please send me a retainer fee in the nominal amount of $5,000.00, and I’ll get started right away.

Manny Soakem

Attorney-at-Law

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Dear Mr. Irk,

I first wanted to apologize for my rash, boorish behavior. I am sure you are a nice person, and I apologize for my harsh language.

I appreciate your efforts in this matter and ask that you forward my left wing to me once you receive it.

Your friend,

Herb Mealy

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Mr. Herb Mealy,

Too late you little pipsqueak. I’ve already got “The Ankle Biter” researching a possible harassment claim against you.

Oh, I seem to recall a left wing for the Z-127-B coming in, but I’ll be darned if I can remember what I did with it. Heh, heh, heh.

Sincerely,

Arnie Irk

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Arnie Irk You %#@! Butt-Wipe,

I know where you live. You might want to sleep with one eye open, you *&%# miserable &%#@ dirty %$@@ rotten %#@* scum-sucking SOB!!!!

This is my final warning. I want that wing in time for Christmas! I will stop at nothing until I get my wing! You can’t scare a guy like me off, you %#@*! boob!

Herb Mealy

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

This office represents Mr. Artie Irk.

You are hereby ordered to cease and desist your vicious campaign of harassment of the aforementioned Mr. Artie Irk, a fine, upstanding citizen of Butte, Montana. Should you have any further contact with Mr. Irk, I will mire you in debilitating litigation for the remainder of your life.

Sincerely,

Arnie(“TheAnkleBiter”)Irk                                                                        

Attorney-at-Law

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

I will be at your home on Tuesday, September 12, 2023, at 9:00 AM to discuss recent threats you have made against an individual and a U.S. corporation.

Our highly trained, fearless, and downright nasty SWAT Team will be at the ready should you choose to not cooperate.

Sincerely,

Wilbur Mash

Federal Bureau of Investigation

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Dear Mr. Mealy,

This letter is written to advise you that you have been placed on our Terrorist Watch List.

I wouldn’t be planning any long trips if I were you.

Sincerely,

Eddie Hack

Department of Homeland Security

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Dear Billy,

Enclosed are some really cool pictures of the Z-127-B model airplane you wanted for Christmas. You can enjoy the pictures now and look forward to getting the real thing someday! It will be like a second Christmas for you!

-Santa