The Ultimate To-Do List

Ten!

I ran into the kitchen, made a peanut butter and tuna sandwich, and snarfed it down.

Nine!

Yuck, why did I eat that! I opened the fridge, grabbed the jug of milk, and chugged.

Eight!

“Great, waisted a second!” I rushed to my phone and texted Petunia: ‘U up?

Seven!

“Yes, coming over now!” She flew in by the window as I scrolled through my playlist on my iPod. 

“Why are you still using an iPod?”

“Shut up," I said and slugged her shoulder, and continued scanning my playlist.

“Well, I’m waiting,” she tapped her high heels on the floor.

“Here it is!” I tapped the song.

“Finally, you know, you should’ve set it up beforehand.”

“Me mi ma muh!” I mocked her then whacked her shoulder with the iPod. not very hard, of course.

“Hey! Jerk!” Petunia exclaimed, rubbing her shoulder.

“Oh! it didn’t hurt. Let’s do this!”

She wore a red dress with matching high heels. We moved side to side to the beat, snapping our fingers. ‘Wake me up before you go-go, don’t leave me hangin’ like a yo-yo.' Petunia clapped to the beat. ‘Wake me up before you go-go, don’t leave me hangin’ like a yo-yo,’ I grabbed her hand, and I spun her around. ‘Wake me up before you go-go,’ Still holding her hand I ran in the kitchen and back. I picked her up and put her down. ‘Wake me up before you go-go! Don’t leave me hangin’ like a yo-yo!’ I spun her around again.

“Hey! Want a drink?”

“Of coursed not! We’re sixteen!” she said in a mocking authoritative tone. I rushed and made a pineapple rum punch, then returned. “Here you are.”

She rubbed her bare head. “Thank you.” She drank as we continued dancing. I grabbed her free hand and snapped with the other. She chugged the rest of her punch down and threw the glass on the floor, and it shattered. I scrambled and picked the

pieces up. I looked at the trash bin and opened it to toss the sharp shards

away. I glanced at the clock.

“Now, where were we?”

‘I wanna hit that hiiiiiigh!’

I tossed her under me as she squealed. I yanked her back and held her above my head.

 She shouted as I spun around. Then I put her back down. As she giggled, needles shot out her mouth.

“Aw, shit!” I exclaimed as I dove under the bed. The needles ricocheted off the wall and hit the lamp, causing it to crash on the floor.

“Oops, sorry,” She hiccupped. I shrugged and continued dancing.

‘You take the gray skies outta my way. You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day,’

Petunia lept on my bed and bounced. ’Cause you’re my lady--I’m your fool—’

“Come on, Mark, join me!”

“Nah…” I crossed my arms and leaned on the side of the bed. “I feel this is your thing and I don’t wanna ruin it.”

“Chicken… Bawkbawkbawk!”

“Well… maybe just one.” I climbed up and jumped once, and got down.

“What the hell was that?”

“A jump."

“Pathetic!”

“Yeah? Well, you're a crazy-ass bald bitch!”

“You bet I am!”

Petunia said and hiccupped. She jumped down and ran back to me. ‘Take me dancing tonight.’ After the song ended, I kissed her.

Six!

She slapped me and flew off.

Five!

Oh, well, I’ll apologize tomorrow.

Four!

“I might as well watch Deadpool.” I pulled it up and played. I laughed all through it.

Three!

I put my banana suit on and stepped outside. “I‘m a banana! I’m a banana!

I’m a banana!” I ran in the street. I performed some dorky dance moves and

reopped, “Yo, it’s banana time for me, I don’t care if anybody sees, I’m

yellow, a fruit, and healthy, I’m loaded with potassium! I wish I wa wealthy!”

Then, I beatboxed down the street. ;turning the corner, I sang in a high

voice, “Chicka chicka wow wow! Chicka chicka wow wow!” I flapped my

arm. “Chicka chicka wow wow! Chicka chicka wow wow!... It’s peanut

butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where you at? Where you at? Now

there you go! there you go!” I shook my pointy yellow butt. “That’s right,

worlds! I’m being a total doofus right now and I don’t give a hot hamster toe!”

I laughed and thought, wouldn’t that be hilarious if a monkey was here now?

It might be confused or try to eat me! I should go to the zoo and shake my banana butt at the monkeys. Nah ... too mean. I should go to Banana Republic in this suit…. but maybe some other time.

I rushed back to my house and put a dark green and white hoodie and black

sweatpants on.

Two!

I zoomed to China and pulled my phone out. I raised it and said, “Siri, take me back twelve hours."

DING!

“OK, taking you back twelve hours.”

Clouds sped backward as people moved in reverse. The sky faded to dark as I stood on the Great Wall.

“Awesome!” I whispered as I stared at miles and miles of stone weaving through the grassy hills. And to think ordinary men made this amazing structure!” I inhaled

and took it all in. Then, the fireworks went off. I pulled my phone out,

took a selfie, and posted it on Facebook with the caption, ‘In China now, bitches!’

I put my phone away, and then I raced to Africa up to a zebra. “Hey, guy.” the zebra backed up. “You’re OK. I’m not gonna hurt you.” It brayed back at me. “It’s alright.

It’s alright.” The zebra crept back up, and I placed my hand on its

head. “Cool!” I whispered as I felt its silky mane. It sniffed my

shirt.“Good boy!” it softly made yipping noises. “Thank you for

letting me pet you. I’ve always wanted to pet a zebra!. This has been totally

awesome! Good luck, my friend!” I petted it one more time, and I raced back

home.

One!

I grabbed the party horn and blew!

“HAPPY NEW YEAR 2021”