Rural Route 12: Biblical Tarot for Dummies

Submitted into Contest #176 in response to: Write a story involving a magical potion — which may or may not work.... view prompt

69 comments

Funny Contemporary

SENSITIVITY WARNING: The odds of a lightning strike are -- and I cannot stress this enough -- astronomical due to the sacrilegious content of this story.


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Buying myself a deck of “Biblical Tarot” cards this Christmas may have been a little tone-deaf, in retrospect: it turns out that the Bible thumpers hate the Tarot nutjobs, and vice-versa, thus making it near-impossible to find anyone who will agree to sit for a reading in order to help me practice the occult.


Fortunately, my next-door neighbors have questionable morals, a lot of time on their hands, and no particular allegiances. They are not only my favorite neighbors ever, but also the perfect collaborators for this project.


Excited to jump right in on the mysticism, I phoned up Beverly first thing today. She was busy getting tipsy and doing some online shopping, but she said she’d be happy to come over for a reading when she sobers up. I jotted a note to call her sometime the middle of next week, then asked her if Daniel was around.


Dan was out in his workshop. He can be a real jerk, but I know that if I asked him for help, he would do it. However, I didn’t want to interrupt whatever he was working on; also, if I gave him a bad read, I would hear about it for months (“Remember that time we drew Devil/Tower/Investment? Just about bankrupted me. I hope your new neighbors would’ve had yappy dogs and monster trucks, you twit!”). 


There’s another set of neighbors past Bev and Dan, but I don’t know Chuck and Sandy that well, so I’m on my own. I figure I can at least test out my first “spread” on myself, to get a feel for the thing. (A spread just means the cards you draw and lay out in the ritual.) 


I settle on the most common configuration, a three-card spread, which is supposed to represent your Past, your Present, and your Future. How hard can it be? The set even came with a handy booklet that tells me the meanings of the cards. 


(“Booklet” sounds so irreverent for this ceremony, even though it’s about the size of a pocket calendar, so I shall henceforth refer to it as “The Tome.”)


I draw my first card: my Past is “The Fool.” (And we’re off…!) That one actually isn’t a bad one, I grudgingly admit. I did buy this deck in the first place during a spate of hypomythica. 


I go to look up that card’s meaning in The Tome, when it suddenly occurs to me that I forgot to – lemme consult the Pre-Tome User Manual – “Cleanse the deck when beginning, and also between reads.” That has something to do with herbs and evil spirits. 


Google says a lot of people use something magical called a sage smudge for this, which I don’t have, but I figure if they just mean sage, I have some in the kitchen. It’s old, but it’s sealed, so it still should be free of evil spirits or whatever is the point here, right? I uncork it, sprinkle some of this “magical potion” on the cards and mix well, being sure to adequately coat them with sage.


Ok, what’s next? Oh… guess I should have read further. Apparently it’s different for different cards, I see now. Sage is only for “Fire cards.” If I had read the User Manual before I started, which is really not my thing, I would know what Fire cards are. But I didn’t, so I don’t. 


Trusting to beginner’s luck on this whole deal, I figure sage is probably just fine for everything. I don’t have a ton of options in my spice cabinet, anyway, and I generally use the rest.


My deck now smells like a roasted chicken. If this ritual summons any spirits, I hope they already ate, because I only have just a very specific number of cards, and I need all of them.


Brushing off sage flakes, I get back to “The Fool” card. 


So, it turns out that “The Fool” really just represents the starting character in life or on a journey. That is a good one to draw for your Past, because we all had to start somewhere. 


According to The Tome’s Tarot interpretation for this card, it means “strange travel, ecstasy, and giving up any resistance,” in the positive sense; negative meanings associated with it are “uncertainty and escape from reality; also, problems with alcohol and drugs.” (But they said ecstasy is a plus, so that last part makes no sense? Either way, the cards have spoken, so I comply. Tarot is fun!)


According to The Tome’s interpretation of the Bible verse linked to this card, it “expresses the crazy behavior of those who abandon reason for madness.” Check! The actual verse is printed as 2 Corinthians 16-28. Huh? That doesn’t even exist; it’s literally not a thing. Ah, it must be an Easter egg for the Fool card. Well played, deck.


Since those two interpretations in combination make sense, otherwise, I’m feeling good and mystical about my start so far; there are two more cards to draw, so I leave The Fool in the Past.


The middle card I draw is “Death.” I briefly consider reading the User Manual to see if I’m doing this right or if I should start over, but I’ll stop being a spoiled-sport and just take the lump. Magicks don’t lie, as the old saying goes. Probably.


According to The Tome’s Tarot interpretation for this card, it doesn’t mean actual death. It means “sudden change, disillusionment, cutting with the past”… oh no wait, it does also mean actual “death,” I see right there. And those are the positive associations. Negative connotations are “disappointment, spiritualism, and a fatal deadline.” I’m guessing I just pick one from each set of descriptions? I’m not even sure where I put the User Manual at this point, since the outcome of that first draw. Because this is the Present card position of the three-card fortune, I am going to go with “disillusionment with spiritualism.” At least, so far.


According to The Tome’s interpretation of the Bible verse linked to this card, it expresses “the sudden end of a situation.” The actual verse they reference is about Cain slaying Abel. A literal death. I guess that was technically also the sudden end of “a situation,” so sure, ok, though that phrasing kind of reminds me of “The Sopranos.”  


Time for my final draw. This one’s to predict my Future. I feel like I should be blowing on dice before I draw this one…the x is kicking in, and I’m feelin’ Vegas-y!


Knight of Coins: “Chastity.” … bahahaha. Not a fan of that one. Certainly can’t be anything related to my Future, so I decide to draw another – you get a Mulligan on these, right? I say we do: 


Five of Cups: “Error.” Nope, you play your way, I’ll play mine. This one doesn’t count, since the extra draw wasn’t an Error. I’m thinking another Mulligan is absolutely warranted.


Page of Coins: “Prudence.” Ok, Mulligan. Seriously. None of this is even close.


Six of Wands: “Shame.” No thanks. I can reasonably justify another try.


Four of Cups: “Disgust.” Feeling kind of personal now. Ok, one last time. This one is all or nothing: 


“Death” again? There was only supposed to be one in the whole deck …


Upon further consideration, I may not have used enough sage.


December 09, 2022 18:18

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69 comments

Michał Przywara
21:46 Dec 13, 2022

You had me at your sensitivity warning :) This whole thing was hilarious! Excellent voice, very relatable rush-in-first-and-fix-it-later, and that future card… we'll try to game any system, won't we :) On the surface, all the action is basically a solitary woman sitting at a table, flipping a couple cards and reading a tiny booklet, so it's impressive how engaging this turned out to be. Great character work. "my Past is “The Fool.” (And we’re off…!)" Heh :) "Magicks don’t lie, as the old saying goes. Probably." :D Great pacing, very...

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Wendy Kaminski
22:18 Dec 13, 2022

High praise, and I am so thrilled that you liked it! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. :-)

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Graham Kinross
23:34 Dec 11, 2022

You can do me a reading of Tarot cards! Biblical tarot does sound like a contradiction though. I see you’re the kind to rush in before reading the whole instruction manual. I’m that as well. We all start as Fools? The non existent bible verse might have been removed by the Romans that had the meeting to decide if Jesus was immortal or not. It’s ‘The good book’ but it’s not unedited. The the sudden end of the Sopranos represents a writer saying, “I don’t know, The End?” Maybe you need to consider the extra death card a fire card and burn it?

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Wendy Kaminski
23:47 Dec 11, 2022

Congratulations, [Graham Kinross], and welcome to OnlineGoodBookTarot.com! Your draw today was inspired by the story of the loaves and fishes, as I am eating dinner right now. On with the show...! Past: Your past is "The Magician": Creativity. The photo of this card is literally the one on the front of the box: https://imgur.com/UZHQboy, which is good, because I am too lazy to take another photo. The Tome's Tarot interpretation for this is "Skill", which includes manual, intellectual and artistic skill, in the positive reference. The negati...

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Graham Kinross
23:56 Dec 11, 2022

I prefer my opponents hidden. Who'd want to look at them? Sobriety of costumes? Does that mean you have to be naked to drink? That explains some of my friends. Being the Devil, I don't take that the wrong way, though I am in a 12 step program on the path to being a better immortal. My only regret is that I can't do a good impression of the accent from Lucifer. Tom Ellis, that's his name. Praise google.

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Wendy Kaminski
23:59 Dec 11, 2022

If the Devil is drinking, I want in!

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Wendy Kaminski
00:05 Dec 12, 2022

Crap, I forgot to sage the cards. Got any you could rub around on your screen?

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Graham Kinross
00:21 Dec 12, 2022

No sage. The closest I have right now is an apple. It was good enough for Adam?

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Wendy Kaminski
00:23 Dec 12, 2022

Is that the computer type or an actual fruit? Well it probably doesn't matter, call it good.

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Kimberly Walker
10:42 Dec 11, 2022

Interesting story!

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Wendy Kaminski
13:57 Dec 11, 2022

Thank you, Kimberly! :)

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Sjan Evardsson
20:55 Dec 10, 2022

That was a great chuckle! You stuck the landing at the end with the second Death card!

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Wendy Kaminski
20:59 Dec 10, 2022

Thank you, Sjan! Glad you enjoyed it! :)

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17:56 Dec 10, 2022

Tres Amusant Wendy. I can see her sitting at the dining room table, continually picking cards until she finds one she likes. As someone currently watching The Sopranos for the first time I get that you don't want to be in a 'situation'.

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Wendy Kaminski
18:00 Dec 10, 2022

haha No doubt! :) Thank you, Maureen, appreciate you taking the time to read and comment!

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Lily Finch
23:12 Dec 09, 2022

The comedic element of your writing is excellent in this story! Tarot cards and finding ones that suit your needs. Interesting concept. Do you do online readings or over the phone? Asking for my friend Delbert. He's a bad boy! Good job, Wendy. Your MC is fantastic.

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Wendy Kaminski
23:16 Dec 09, 2022

LOL Lily! Yes, sure I do: badly! Seems like a good fit, right?! :) Thank you for the funny and delightful comments. :)

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Laurel Hanson
20:52 Dec 09, 2022

This is a hoot. Love the protagonist. Though I know nothing about Tarot, and even less after reading this given her carefree interpretation of The Tome, I don't believe that stands in the way of really enjoying the story.

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Wendy Kaminski
20:59 Dec 09, 2022

Thank you, Laurel! :)

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Delbert Griffith
20:28 Dec 09, 2022

Devil on right shoulder: I fucking love this woman! Angel on left shoulder: OOh! No. She does drugs. And those filthy cards! Devil on right shoulder: yeah. Ok. That's weak sauce, buddy. Angel on right shoulder: Her sexual morals are a little...loose. Devil on right shoulder: Like I said, I fucking love this woman! ____________________________________________ Seriously, this is the funniest story I've read on here since I've been on this site. I defy anyone to write a better story about a person who is trying out their Tarot deck for the firs...

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Wendy Kaminski
20:31 Dec 09, 2022

<3 haha You really made my day. :) Thanks, Delbert!!

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Wendy Kaminski
18:27 Dec 09, 2022

Bonus comment: In case you are wondering... https://imgur.com/UZHQboy. Bonus bonus comment: Want a reading? Just ask in the comments. I have plenty of snark and many unused cards left to skewer!

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Marlise Pienaar
15:57 Feb 16, 2023

Ahahaha, this was great! Biblical Tarot? Must read in my books. Been having a Death/Tower/The fool kind of year myself, luckily none of the other cards so far. You're writing is really good! Love your 'voice', humour, and the way your stories flow.

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Wendy Kaminski
16:06 Feb 16, 2023

Thank you so much! This was definitely my favorite all time that I submitted, well, this one and Bevs shoes attend a party. Both definitely my top two, so thank you for reading and commenting! :)

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Eshawnial Lowry
14:19 Dec 23, 2022

Very interesting take on the subject. Nicely done. You and Graham also crack me up on the back and forth. Thanks for taking the time to read my story The fall of rise of Zorko the great. I'll definitely be reading more of your work. Thanks again.

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Wendy Kaminski
14:54 Dec 23, 2022

Thank you so much, Eshawnial! :)

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Lindsay Flo
13:37 Dec 23, 2022

As someone who regularly uses Tarot cards, I found this hysterical. I often read for friends (and always smudge in between) and I think most people who participate in this take it with a grain of salt...anyhow, I thought this was hysterical on a personal level because there have been times I pulled a card and was like "nope, don't like that" but in hindsight I would realize "okay there was some truth there...". And, i loved the disclaimer in the beginning :)

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Wendy Kaminski
14:09 Dec 23, 2022

haha Thank you, Lindsay! And I appreciate that, as a practitioner, you took it in the spirit it was intended. I was very worried putting it out there, about how many people I stood to offend ... on both sides of the fence! :)

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Karin Cavanagh
12:33 Dec 22, 2022

What a delight! I grinned from ear to ear as I read your story. I have had only one reading, and it was from my daughter (14 yrs at the time) who wanted to practice on me when she bought her first deck. I am not sure how she cleansed it before commencing but sage wasn't an option at the time. Perhaps a sprinkle of fairy dust? My reading showed I was to find someone who would ignite passion within me (I was still married then, lol). You should have seen her face! Your story bought back that gorgeous memory. Thank you!

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Wendy Kaminski
12:48 Dec 22, 2022

lol! I can just see that, how cute and funny!! I am glad you enjoyed it, and thank you for reading and commenting, Karin! :)

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David Drake
21:47 Dec 21, 2022

I literally LOL'd at this: "Fortunately, my next-door neighbors have questionable morals, a lot of time on their hands, and no particular allegiances. They are not only my favorite neighbors ever...." I liked your viewpoint of the cards and how they're used. Thanks for sharing this!

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Wendy Kaminski
00:03 Dec 22, 2022

hehe Thank you! That was one of my favorite lines, and I am glad you got a kick out of it, too! :) I am world-building those characters, so your comment really made my day! Dan is in "Madvent." ;) (Oh and I envision this narrator as the same woman who narrates "All Atwitter" aka crazy bird lady lol)

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Russell Mickler
01:45 Dec 21, 2022

Uh, did someone already mention 2 Corinthians 11:16-28, where Paul Boasts about his Suffering? He apologizes for playing a fool to boast ... https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians%2011%3A16-28&version=NIV But anywho, this was a strange one - sounded to the ear like a drunk David Sedaris- but very funny ... :) R

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Wendy Kaminski
02:08 Dec 21, 2022

Wth?! I Googled that like 3x even, honest! I sense halfling trickery...! :) Nice to see you over here, even if I gotta do a rewrite now! *grin*

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Russell Mickler
02:15 Dec 21, 2022

Ha! Definitely Halfling Trickery :)

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Cherie Woods
23:50 Dec 20, 2022

I imagine that end is not going to go well for them. I'd hate to see what happens to them next but I'm curious too granted it doesn't sound like it will be ending very well for them. :) Enjoying read nonetheless. It especially reminds as someone mentioned of a person putting together furniture or something and skimming past the instructional manual before just saying "Good enough" only to find some extra pieces and a bucket of confusion afterwards. Nice Job! :D

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Wendy Kaminski
23:55 Dec 20, 2022

haha Yeah that sounds about right, Cherie! :) Thank you for reading and the nice comment! :)

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Susan Catucci
15:56 Dec 20, 2022

Fastastic - hilarious read (hah! The comedy continues)! This took some research on your part; the whole tarot process was meticulously accurate. Frankly, I love your version way more. If Mulligans were allowed, you've corrected forecast the outcome every time! Great job!

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Wendy Kaminski
16:11 Dec 20, 2022

lol Thank you, Susan! :)

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Nicki Nance
10:55 Dec 19, 2022

What a fun ride! From the Biblical Tarot to the second death card, I was all in. You breathed life Into your neighbors in just a few sentences. Your inner dialogue had attention deficit written all over it. Triple Mulligans were a testament to human nature. At a deeper level, you captured the inner conflict of a novice practitioner.

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Wendy Kaminski
03:03 Dec 20, 2022

Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment, Nicki - I am very flattered and so glad you liked it! :) The neighbors are part of a world building experiment, so thank you for noticing them! :)

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Megan Michelle
15:50 Dec 18, 2022

This story was so fun, and hilarious. As someone who grew up in a repressive religious environment, but felt drawn to the metaphysical, I really related to how your character felt. I love the comedic portrayal, but it's really your word choice and voice that make this story, I was in from the first line!

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Wendy Kaminski
15:52 Dec 18, 2022

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, Megan! I grew up strict-fundamentalist, too! Welcome, fellow seeker. :)

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Liv Chocolate
09:15 Dec 18, 2022

This is great, Wendy! 😆 this line in particular made me laugh: My deck now smells like a roasted chicken. Very clever story!

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Wendy Kaminski
15:30 Dec 18, 2022

Thank you so much, Liv! I am glad you got a kick out of it! Thanks for reading and commenting. :)

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