Just A Dream

Sleep~ Baby sleep

I still remember her long fingers, stroking my hair.

What are you waiting forrr~

Wiping my stray, ugly tears..

The mornings on its way~

I still remember…

You know its only just a dream~

The day you left.

…

Memory~

“Come place your head right here sweetie” the lady with a maid uniform said as she patted her lap.

“Why?” Is all I responded back.

“You don’t want to hear that beautiful song you love so much?” she asked. I shook my head in a response.

“Your mom is singing it….” she said in that tempting voice..my mother.. I sighed and climbed into the chair placing my head on her lap. She placed her hand on my head, stroking my hair. Wrong. So I placed her fingers just right so that they were parallel to my memories. The lady laughed lightly..tiredly.

“Okay” she says clearing her throat.

“Sleep baby sleeeeep- WHAT are you waaaiting foooooooor-”

“NO!” I scream jumping off of her. “Your not my mother!!” I said, I thought she would be sad..I knew it was wrong. I thought she would be angry but instead she smiled that weary, old smile.

“Then where is your mom?” she asked me.

“Sh-shes coming back for me! Shes coming! She said she would!” I yelled hysterically.

“Oh, sweetie for your sake I wish that were true. But its been 2 weeks..” she says touching my cheek softly, then in a swift motion she pinches it tightly. “She is never coming back, one day you’ll understand”

I screamed because it hurt. I hated her because she was cruel, I hated her for her words..I hated her for telling me that.

I hated her, because she was right.

…

Present~

“Wake up!” The deep voice is a familiar one.

I gasp, my eyes fluttering open. Not again…

“Jemma, what the hell?” Alvin uses his thumb to wipe the tears from my eyes.

“I was––I’m sorry. It just… just happened,” I stammer.

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s not your fault,” he murmurs. Alvin says this every time I wake up crying. I’m not sure how he always manages to know when I’m having a nightmare.

“How do you always know when I’m crying?” I say, crossing my hands, my heart slowing to its normal pace.

“Cause you whimper like a wet puppy, and I’m a light sleeper, so my ears are literally always open,” he says, rolling his eyes.

“Did you just say I cry like a wet puppy?” I say with a smile.

“You do,” he says, smiling back.

Alvin is my best friend, my family, my everything when I had nothing. He was there with me in the orphanage. He suffered way worse than me, more worse than I can even imagine but he never speaks about it..I barely see him cry.. but I know he’s hurting somewhere.

“Was it about your parents again” he asked me slowly. I nodded. He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me softly.

“I’m here..its okay..” he says slowly. “I know” I say back into his chest.

“I’m here for you too” I say pulling away.

“Haha!” rubbing my hair. “Thanks” he says but I can tell he’s not taking my words to heart.

“Alvin I’m being serious.” I tell him.

“I am 18 now..we both are. I’m done being held back by that place, so to be honest I’m good.” he says as he stuffs his hands in his pockets, he walks over to his bed and lays back down.

As much as I want to forget that place..I can’t, I found you there Alvin, I found you there, my feelings started for you started there too. But you don’t want to be held back by the orphanage does that mean you don’t want anything to do with that place anymore.. Doesn’t that mean letting go of me?

“Good night Jemma” he calls out.

I don’t respond.

…

Memory~

Sleep baby sleep-!

NO!

What are you waiting for?!!-

NO!!

The mornings-

NO!!!!

I never let her sing the song…I never wanted it. I was afraid her voice would replace my mothers. I was afraid she would become my mother. There was nothing wrong with her..she was sweet, she dealt with me and my tantrums, she came by every night to try to sing to me even though I selfishly pushed her away. In some way some part of me accepted her as my mother because my other mom left me.

In my mind..I guess I thought I was punishing my real mom by accepting someone else as my mom. But turns out she didn’t care. If she cared she would have been here to pick me up, she would have came back!

One day the lady didn’t come to meet me, she didn’t check up on me. This went on for weeks. She was the only maid I talked too..so I didn’t know what to do. Had someone else left me? What was wrong about me? Did I curse everyone I came close too.

“Um…”

“Yes sweetie?” the young maid said nicely and also kind of surprised.

“Where- where is Ms. Lena…?” I asked her.

“Oh…Oh well sweetie if you just wait a couple more hours you will get to meet her..kay?” she says rubbing my head not waiting for me to respond. I also couldn’t help but notice the wash of sadness that flashed in her eyes when I asked her that.

..

The night came..and all the kids were rounded up. We walked in a straight line towards a room..where Ms. Lena laid. Weak. Too weak. Too old. Too much.

I stood there in shock. Every kid ran and hugged her except for me and Alvin. He looked upwards, trying to be strong but even I could see the tears about to drop from his eyes.

The kids spent their time talking to Ms. Lena..me and Alvin stood there like out casts..too shy, too much shock. Before I knew it, it was time to return to our rooms. The mean maid smacked both of our heads.

“You bratty kids! You had your chance to talk to Ms. Lena and you acted like this?! Come on your going to bed!”. The tears rolled down my chin as Ms. Vick picked me up angrily..

“Ahh Ms. Vick!” Ms. Lena called from her bed with a soft smile, Ms. Vick turned to her sharply.

“Leave those two here with me..they are my favorite.” Ms. Lena said.

“Ugh I just don’t get you!” Ms. Vick yelled as she dropped me on the ground. Not softly I must say.

I rubbed my bottom, wiping my eyes furiously.

“Sorry about her. She’s just a little sad” Ms. Lena said with a smile.

“Sad about what? Shes always like that” Alvin said crossing his arms.

“Yeah I suppose so..come on both of you…sit right here” she says patting the section next to her. I get up dragging my feet across the floor when I get to the bed its too high for me, so Alvin literally drags me unto the bed.

“Thanks” I mumble as I take my arms back.

“Whatever” Alvin says back.

“You too are so cute!” Ms. Lena gushed that day. We don’t say anything back.

“Why are you in bed? You look old..” Alvin said, it was the truth but it sounded somewhat rude. Ms. Lena grabs his cheek..

“Watch it” she said. “Ow..ow yes!” Alvin said in pain. She laughs and lets go.

“There is something-” her eyes look sad and she clears her throat. “There is something I didn’t tell the others. I’m telling both of you…because I know you can handle it. Am I wrong?”

“No! I am strong I can handle it!” Alvin said eager..it was the first time I had saw him happy..but why did I sense something sad.

“Good good..How about you Jemma?” she asked me. I nodded looking to the floor.

“Good…well the truth is..I will be going away for a long long time.” Ms. Lena said.

“What why?” Alvin and I asked in unison we met eyes then I looked away.

“Well sometimes..people move away. Sometimes there is a reason sometimes there is not. Sometimes they move far away on this earth. To another continent, to another country...” she said..with a thinking expression. I didn’t understand but I knew she wouldn’t explain any further than that.

“When will you be back?” I asked her. She smiled

“And then there are times when we move away from the earth.. to a whole different place. A place with no suffering. Not everyone makes it there..if your a bad kid then you go to a place with more suffering.”

“Which one are you going too.” Alvin asked..but I felt it..I knew it.

“I don’t know yet..it is not exactly my choice” she said with a soft smile. My tears dripped to my fingers as they girpped the covers.

“WHEN WILL YOU COME BACK!? DON’T GO! DON’T GO!!” I screamed..I must have been screaming so loud that..Ms. Vicky came back holding her hand over my lips.

“To answer your question..Alvin..Jemma..I won’t be coming back. You will never see my face on this earth..ever again” she said with that stupid smile..I threw up my fist trying to get her to stop, if I hit her just once maybe she will come to her senses.

Alvin sat there..in shock. His face pale.

“Stop it you brat!” Ms. Vicky yelled at me..hitting my head a couple of times. With her fist.

Why do they all leave? Why did they all leave me alone..Why? Why? Why? I slumped on the bed exhausted.

“I hate you” I breathed out..at Ms. Vicky. “I hate you all!!” I screamed running out of the room.

“Heavens! That child!” Ms. Vicky said after me.

…I sat on my bed in tears..Why did I say that? Now Ms. Lena thinks I hate her..I don’t. I don’t hate her. I don’t hate anyone.

I just wish they stayed.

My eyes closed..tiredly.

“Sleep baby sleep!-

What are you waiting for!-

The morning’s on its way!-

You know its only just a dream"

My eyes opened in surprise I know that voice. “Mother!” I called out.

“I’m not your mother, remember?” Ms. Lena said..her face bright, her wrinkles gone. She didn’t look as old as she did before.

“I––I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“I know,” she answered, smiling.

Her aura was different. More beautiful. More lovely. I took her hand gently.

“Don’t go. Please.” My heart pounded as I squeezed her hand.

“Jemma… you’re not alone anymore,” she said with a small smile.

I shook my head. “I am.”

“You’re not. I made sure of it, sweetie.” She turned, looking into a world that I could not see.

“Jemma?” She said my name softly, her eyes glazed.

“Yes?” I wiped my eyes, only for the tears to fall again.

Then she turned to me. Her smile met her eyes.

“Good-bye.”

And just like that, she disappeared. Leaving her voice behind as she sang.

“Heavens why are you screaming!?” Ms. Vicky yelled at me. She grabbed my hair pulling me to the floor.

“It is a very sad day! Its a very sad day and your making noise!” Ms. Vicky said tears dripping down her face.

I let her drag me..I didn’t feel a thing. Nothing compared to the whole in my heart. No it wasn’t a whole..my heart had a whole in it when my mom left me here. Now my heart is shattered..because the one who never left..is dead.

Well at least she left me something..

A foamed filled Rabbit. Named Len. We became close. He reminded me of Ms. Lena..but-

It wasn’t long before he left me too.

…

Present~

I wake up..this time its morning. My eyes feel wet I can barely blink. I must have been crying even more.

“Jemma.” Alvin called out. Since we became 18 we both moved out with the money we had. But I didn’t want to be separated from him..I was afraid his last moments would come too so I clinged onto him as tightly as I could. I made sure we had the same apartment building. So I come over to his place sometimes and sleep when I am too scared to be on my own. Or when I miss him.

I turn to him. My eyes red and puffy. Surprisingly he looks like he had been crying too.

He stares at me and hugs me again.

“You were talking about Ms. Lena in your sleep..and then I couldn’t sleep.” he says pulling away.

“I’m sorry.” I say.

“No..its fine I think I had been suppressing my memories of her too. When I needed to remember.” he said as he took off his boots.

“You went out?” I ask. He glances up at me and looks back down.

“HOW many times do I have to tell you! That's dangerous! WHAT IF YOU CRASHED!?” I screamed trying to hit him. He grabs my hand and easily turns me around.

“I went out for good reason. Sorry I should have told you.” he says close to my ear. I squeak in a girly form and jump away. Ugh stupid I say closing my eyes. Don’t get too close to him.

“Jemma…open your eyes.” Alvin says.

“Why?” I ask with a laugh.

“Just do it” and I can tell he rolled his eyes

I do as he says and when I see what is in front of me I almost faint.

“LEN!” I say jumping up and grabbing the foamed stuffed rabbit. It stinks of smoke an arm is burnt off..and it is dusty. But its Len..

“You came back..” I say looking at it tears dripping down my face. The only thing that kept me close to Ms. Lena was this thing..so when I lost it I was quite depressed. Now..Alvin found it.

Alvin stuffs his hand in his pocket with a shrug.

“Your not alone anymore” he says..I jump up and hug him tightly..

“I never was”…I blurt out. Now I get it..

I never was

…

Sleep~ Baby sleep~

What are you waiting forrr~

The mornings on its way

You know its only just a dreamm~

I'll lie next to youuu~

The beauty of this mess..

Is that it brings me..

Clooossee

to you

~