(Content Warning: Strong Language, Violence, Murder, Crude Humor.)
Jake sat down at the kitchen table and admitted, “This is all my fault.”
Sallie rolled her eyes and slammed a porcelain plate into the soapy suds. “You’re damn right it is!”
“I’m sorry,” he said, lowering his voice an octave. “I wasn’t thinking right, and I couldn’t help myself.”
“Oh, you were thinking alright,” Sallie roared, turning from the sink and pointing her soapy finger at him. “You were just using the brain between your legs, not the one in your skull!”
Jake scrunched his lips and shook his head. He had heard a lot of insults in his ten-year marriage, but this one was the blue-ribbon winner. He couldn’t look into her eyes because, deep down, he knew she was right. What he did was unforgivable.
“Look at you sitting there like a coward,” Sallie said, trying to fight back the tears. “I never in a million years thought that you of all people would do this to me!”
“It was out of my control,” Jake fired. “I had no real intention of going through with it!”
Sallie reached into her pink apron and pulled out Jake’s phone. She didn’t care that it was covered in suds from her wet hands. It would have been just as well if the phone didn’t work, but even that wouldn’t solve their problems. She stared at the device like it was a piece of gold—mesmerized by the shine—such a light thing, yet so heavy.
How could such a thing cause so much pain?
Ignoring her fealty, she tossed the phone on the table. Jake lifted his eyes and looked at his wife. He didn’t expect that reaction at all. He imagined that she would have shoved it in the garbage disposal and crunched it to shreds or, at best, smashed it to pieces with a hammer.
“Take the fucking thing and do what you do best!” she said firmly. “We are finished!”
Jake didn’t say a word. His utter silence said everything she needed to hear. Sallie untied her apron and let it fall like a broken tree limb to symbolize the end of their love. “I think you’ll need this more than me. You can do your own dishes from now on!” She hung her head low and left her husband to wallow in his grief. The only thing on her mind was packing her suitcases.
The house they had built together was silent. There was no laughter, no joyous tunes playing on the radio, and no rumblings of a love so humbling and pure. Those days were over, but the house was built on strong foundations, unlike Jake and Sallie’s relationship. Slowly over time, the cracks crept in like an unwanted spider. A home that was once a beacon of comfort and serenity was now a toxic prison.
In that moment of discontent, Jake’s phone buzzed two times. He knew who it was. There could be no other. His eyes roamed from the electronic device to the dark hallway that led to the bedroom where his wife was packing her clothes. Would he dare plunge back into the very thing that ended his decade-long romance? Of course, he would, and he did.
👩🏻 Are you there, Jake?
👩🏻 Did you tell her about us?? 🤔
🧔🏻 I told her everything, Amy.
👩🏻 Good! How did she take it?
🧔🏻 Not well. But it’s finally over.
👩🏻 That’s great news!
👩🏻 When I found you on Twitter, you were so
🧔🏻 I was, wasn’t I?
👩🏻 I mean, I wasn’t looking for love, but…
🧔🏻 Say no more! I felt it too.
🧔🏻 We were two lost souls.
🧔🏻 Fate brought us together!
👩🏻 Do you really believe that?
🧔🏻 Yes, I do.
🧔🏻 I’m ready to move on!
👩🏻 I can’t tell you how happy that makes me!
🧔🏻 She’s packing her things now.
👩🏻 Finally, after all this time, we can have
that love rendezvous!! 😍
🧔🏻 Oh, I can’t wait! 🎉
👩🏻 With Sallie out of the way, we can
share our love!
🧔🏻 This is so bad but so right!
👩🏻 I want you tonight!
👩🏻 Can you come over around 8?
🧔🏻 Yes! She can’t stop me now.
👩🏻 Great! I can’t wait to be one with you!
🧔🏻 See you tonight! ❤️
👩🏻 Great! Don’t be late! 💖💗🥰💞
Jake grabbed his suitcase that was already packed and hidden behind the sofa in the living room. He couldn’t wait to feel Amy in his arms. He put his jacket on and stopped short, just shy of the front door.
I should probably say goodbye to Sallie. I may not see her again until court.
He ran down the hallway to tell his soon-to-be ex-wife that he was leaving, but when he entered the bedroom, Sallie was gone. He checked the closet, and most of her clothes were still hanging on the pole.
“Sallie?!” he yelled. “Are you still here?”
There was no reply, and Jake thought it was strange that she left without taking her things. “She must think this house will be hers after the divorce,” he said out loud. I don’t care! She can have it. There’s nothing but bad memories here anyway!
Jake dashed out of the house and sped away in his truck. His true love was waiting, and after months of flirtations and sexual tension, he didn’t want to be late. He and Amy had played around with the temptation of being together, but his thoughts of despair threatened their future relationship.
He didn’t want to break his wife’s heart even though he no longer loved her. Amy was constantly in his ear about coming out and being truthful with her, but he wanted to keep things a secret until he was sure things were going to work out with his mistress.
After a barrage of encouragement from Amy, Jake finally told Sallie everything. She didn’t want to believe it. She couldn’t believe it. At least not until she forcefully took his phone after dinner and checked his text messages. She discovered that her beloved husband began talking to Amy on Twitter three months prior and was actively looking to be with someone else.
The cool night air brought Jake some relief. The past few hours weighed heavily on his soul, and he had to admit that he deserved it. What kind of man does this? Who would go behind their loved one’s back and seek another? The answer came as swift as the wind blowing in his truck.
A few minutes later, Jake arrived at Amy’s home. It was the first time he had been there, and he admired how lovely her bushes looked. He loved gardening, and visions of trimming those hedges filled his mind with sweet delight!
He knocked three times on the door, thinking that it was a cute nod to his favorite song, “Knock Three Times for Love,” by the Disco-nuts. He couldn’t wait to see Amy. They had met once before at the local Starbucks, where they shared a cup of coffee. In her presence, he had never felt so alive. It was love at first sight, and the only regret from that day was that he desperately wanted to kiss her but thought it rude to do so on their first meeting.
A true gentleman, he thought, but I won’t make that mistake again! As soon as Amy opens this door, I’m going to give her the biggest smooch she has ever had!
Jake took a deep breath and licked his lips as the door slowly creaked open. He wanted to take in the moment, so he ducked his head like a nervous kid getting ready for the prom. When he knew the door was fully open, he lifted his gaze, starting at her feet, and slowly worked his hungry eyes up her voluptuous body. When his lust-filled pupils met her face, he realized he wasn’t devouring Amy. The woman standing before him was his wife, Sallie.
“Sallie?!” he gulped. “What the hell is going on here?!”
“Surprise, darlin’! The way you’re looking at me right now, I bet you’re wishing we were back home making sweet love by the fireplace.”
She gave him a huge smile and twirled around to show off her brand-new white dress and matching stilettoes. Her golden hair was perfectly curled, and Jake wondered how she had time to look so good. She was a complete mess a couple hours ago.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, trying hard to sound calm and collected.
At that moment, Amy peaked around the corner. She was wearing blue jeans and a red knitted sweater. Her black hair was tied into a ponytail, and she had just enough makeup on to make her complexion shine, but not so much to make her look like a trashy whore. “Oh, hi, Jake! You’re right on time!” She outreached her arm to Sallie and handed her a claw hammer. “Here’s that tool you wanted, babycakes!”
“Awe…” Sallie moaned, “thank you so much, sweetie!”
Jake’s eyes darted from Amy to Sallie, trying to figure out what was happening. “What the fuck is going on here?! Would somebody please tell me!”
Sallie blew out a giant pink chewing-gum bubble and popped it between her ruby red lips. “Don’t worry, honey, you’re about to find out.”
Jake awoke a few hours later and heard some soft mumbling. The smell of mold and dust filled his nostrils, and panic quickly set in because he couldn’t feel anything below his neck. He had a blindfold tied around his head and couldn’t see anything but darkness. The only thing he could do was yell.
“What did you crazy bitches do to me?!”
“Shut up, Jake,” spat Amy. “You better listen and listen good because your wife has something to say to you!”
“Sallie?” Jake yelped. “H-honey, p-please get me out of here. I think I’m hurt. I-I can’t move!”
“No shit, Sherlock!” Sallie gloated. “I imagine you can’t after I hit you with that hammer. Amy thought I killed you, but I told her you were too hard-headed to die like that!”
“What?!” Jake sobbed.
“Oh, he doesn’t get it,” boasted Amy. She looked at Sallie and smiled. “Do you want to tell him now or what?”
Sallie pulled Amy in closer and kissed her. Her crimson lipstick smeared onto Amy’s lips, giving them both a red sheen that would make the Devil proud.
“Well, Jake, I have to be honest with you. I knew you were a cheater a long time ago, ever since you slept with your secretary! I kept an eye on your phone through a special spy App and discovered you were talking with Amy.” She paused to give Amy a quick smile. “I took it upon myself to talk with Amy, and wouldn’t you know it, we fell in love.”
“What the fuck!” screamed Jake. “How could you do that? She’s mine!”
Amy laughed and roared, “The only person I belong to is Sallie! Besides, you ought to pay a little more attention to where you are stud.”
“W-what are you talking about?” he stuttered.
Amy looked around and smiled. They were standing in her basement with a mound of dirt encircling an open grave where Jake was lying. She grabbed a shovel, scooped some dirt, and tossed the black soil across Jake’s face.
“You’re about to be buried alive, you stupid ass!”
“N-no,” Jake screamed. “You bitches are fucking crazy! You’ll never get away with this!”
Sallie grabbed a second shovel and helped her new lover throw more dirt into the grave. “Too bad, Jake,” Sallie snorted. “I never knew I was into women. I guess I have you to thank for that. As to the why, who cares? There’s no way I’m sharing Amy with you! With you gone, we’ll get the money, house, truck, and everything you might have hidden away!”
Jake’s screams continued until the dirt covered his face, essentially cutting off his air supply. Sallie said Jake didn’t deserve a coffin and that his body would decompose faster without one. Amy agreed, and that was that.
With the grave filled in, Sallie and Amy walked around on the soil until they had the dirt packed in. They embraced each other and laughed. Their plan had worked to perfection.
They say life is a game of chess, and if that’s true… The Queen’s rule.