*Terms and conditions apply

The email goes to my spam but I open it because it is addressed to me by name:

Dear Mr Faust,

Here at Hell Telesales, it is also Black Friday and we have the deal of a lifetime for you!

Please tune in tonight to Hell Telesales to see our range of irresistible products and for a chance to seal the deal of a lifetime!

Yours sincerely,

Mateo Mephistopheles,

President and Senior Presenter at Hell Telesales

Pushing back the creaky-wheeled office chair, I stretch my legs and yawn. Jeez, where do they get these marketing campaigns from?

I glance at the white clock on the white wall to see if the hands have advanced much since I last looked, which turns out to be four minutes ago. I check the stack of paperwork on the mug-ringed desk, which is going down just as slowly. I take a sip of coffee and sigh, noticing the displeasing bulge of my stomach in a too-tight shirt the same bored shade of blue as the office carpet.

Soon I have forgotten about the email amid a flurry of phone calls and a meeting with the boss.

His mouth moves and the words wash over me. Tuning into the static like a faulty radio, I catch the words appraisal and redundancy and economising measures.

‘So I hope you’ll understand,’ he smiles, ‘It really is nothing personal.’

‘Oh yes,’ I nod, as if I’d been listening.

*

Arriving home, I loosen my tie and crack open a cold one from the fridge. The chilled beer soothes my throat – I realise I haven’t availed myself of the office water-cooler all day. Another day of losing myself.

Well, no need to catch up on work emails at least, I think, dropping myself into the couch with a sense of luxurious rebellion. I switch on the TV and flick through the channels with glazed eyes.

‘Season with salt and pepper and sear on a high heat before -’

Click.

‘Oh Charlie! Don’t shoot! Baby, I never meant to -’

Click.

‘And here we see the male of the species begin his courtship dance, tail-feathers fanning out to impress -’

Click. Click. Click. The channels flick past me unseen.

And then I remember the email. Hell Telesales, wasn’t it? Chuckling to myself at the new depths to which, suddenly unemployed, I found myself sinking in quest of good television, I look up the channel and tune in.

Onto my screen flashes a spacious and modern filming studio. Under the hot blaze of overhead lighting, a tall man of Grecian good looks is standing in an immaculate suit addressing the camera. As he speaks, his wide smile flashes a set of startlingly white teeth matched in brilliance only by the diamond stud he wears in one ear. Across the bottom of the screen, a red banner announces the man as Mateo Mephistopheles.

‘And for our lovely viewers who have just tuned in,’ the man drawls in a voice smooth as caramel, ‘welcome to Hell Telesales and welcome to an extra-special Black Friday edition of our show, ‘Seven Temptations’. As usual, we will showcase seven of our very best products for you to choose from tonight. But this Black Friday we are celebrating with an additional offer, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity guaranteed to tempt. So stay tuned until the end of the show to seal a devilishly good deal today!’

I take a sip of beer as the camera cuts to a shot of a large oval vanity mirror with a border of bright white lightbulbs that is hanging on the wall of the studio. Into the frame walks Mateo Mephistopheles.

‘Our first temptation tonight is the ‘Pride’ Mirror. Three feet of the finest reflection you’ll ever see, 100% satisfaction guaranteed. The unique and patented reflective technology will airbrush your flaws, correct all wrinkles and give you that magazine look. Vain? Insecure? Shallow? Purchase the ‘Pride’ Mirror today and idle away hours of fun!’

The screen cuts to a shot of a large metal piggy bank on a table in the studio. Mateo Mephistopheles steps into the frame.

‘Are you a miser? Want to hoard your wealth? Introducing the ‘Greed’ Piggy Bank, today’s second temptation, the world’s first home piggy bank which is 100% guaranteed unbreakable. That’s right! - once safely inside the ‘Greed’ Piggy Bank, your wealth will never be seen – or shared – again! Made of 100% reinforced steel, the ‘Greed’ Piggy Bank is the perfect excuse when needy relatives come begging. Get yours and protect your wealth today!’

With a neat sidestep, Mateo Mephistopheles moves to the next item.

‘Hate your spouse? Would you like to teach someone a lesson? Well our third temptation may be for you! Introducing the ‘Wrath’ Punchbag, a workout tool with a twist! Lay into this bad boy and your rage will only grow and grow – the more punches you throw, the angrier you’ll get. Guaranteed to turn the smallest domestic hiccup into a full-blown feud, the ‘Wrath’ Punchbag is the perfect warm-up to stoke your rage – why not finish your work-out on your loved ones?’

Here, Mateo Mephistopheles pirouettes on his heels and addresses the camera.

‘Our fourth temptation brings something a little different. I am very proud to announce the first app produced and launched by Hell Telesales. ‘Lust’ is the revolutionary dating app that is guaranteed 100% commitment free. No need for pesky relationships or marriage! Simply judge each user based on their photograph and swipe right to match and get some no-strings action! Indulge your inner Lothario with the ‘Lust’ app, let your fantasies run wild as you swipe right, hook up and collect ‘Notches’; the more ‘Notches’ on your bedpost, the more impressive your profile! Because here at ‘Lust’, we all know what counts – and it’s not personality! So come join the fun, download and subscribe today!’

The studio lights fade suddenly to green.

‘Introducing our fifth temptation, ‘Envy’. Tired of conventional social media? Longing for the sweet release of the vapid? Why not log on to our brand new social network at www.envy.hell and see for yourself! All your friends are on there! So what, I hear you ask, is ‘Envy’ all about? Post pictures of your latest purchases, your perfect relationship, the fancy holiday you just went on. Watch as your friends turn your screen green with ‘envy’ reacts and flood your post with comments: #jealous, #wheresmine, #covetthyneighboursgoods. Our special software will automatically filter out all negative aspects of your life – the online purchase that sits too tight across your stomach, the row you had with your spouse the other night, the food poisoning you got on the holiday of a lifetime – leaving your friends suitably impressed by your perfect life.’

Mateo Mephistopheles crosses the screen with three sprightly strides as the camera turns to face a mock-up of a kitchen counter with a large stainless steel appliance glittering under the studio lights.

‘Our next product on ‘Seven Temptations’ will really have you salivating. Let me introduce the ‘Gluttony’ Grill, a multi-function kitchen appliance with a very special feature: a bottomless supply of food! That’s right! No matter how many servings you take, this is the grill that keeps on giving. Tired of diets? Ready to embrace your sinful side? Order your ‘Greed’ Grill today and never-ending platefuls will allow you to indulge your appetite to the full.’

The screen cuts to a show bedroom dominated by a large bed. Mateo Mephistopheles is sitting on the plush mattress, bouncing lightly and pressing his fingers into the springs.

‘Our seventh temptation today is the ‘Sloth’ Mattress – a thousand-spring memory foam mattress with a difference. The luxurious feel of our mattress will lull you into a slumber like you’ve never known. Tired of the 9-5 grind? Want to indulge your lazy side? Sleep your life away with the ‘Sloth’ Mattress and feel the luxury of inertia.’

Mateo Mephistopheles springs up from the bed and approaches the camera, the studio lights catching the diamond in his ear with a scintillating wink. Flashing a wide smile, he looks straight at me.

‘That brings us to the end of this week’s ‘Seven Temptations’ and to the moment you’ve been waiting for. Keep watching and you – yes, you! – could be in with the chance of sealing the deal of a lifetime!’

Hunting for the remote down the side of the cushion, I chuckle to myself at the depths to which televisual entertainment will sink under the pressures of capitalism. I mean, who watches this stuff? And what kind of name is that for a channel anyway, Hell Telesales​​?

Suddenly there is a noise, tink tink! I look up to see Mateo Mephistopheles rapping his knuckles on the camera lens.

‘Hey you! Yes you, Mr Faust!’

I spit out a mouthful of beer.

‘Where are you going? Don’t you want to hear about our special Black Friday offer? Wouldn’t you like to seal the deal of a lifetime? Mr Faust?’

I rub my eyes. I must be tired, too much work.

‘No, Mr Faust, you’re not hearing things! This deal of a lifetime really is tailor-made for you! Here at Hell Telesales, we like to do our research. Know your market, as they say. We know all about you, Mr Faust. Yes, the office job, the redundancy, everything. We know you could do with a leg-up right now and our Black Friday deal is the game-changer you need. Have you ever dared to dream, Mr Faust? Have you ever imagined a life worth living - a life of leisure, pleasure and luxury? And did you ever think that such a life would be within your reach? This Black Friday, we are offering you ‘Your Every Desire’. Everything you’ve ever wanted will be yours. That sports car you test-drove once? - all yours. Those gold cufflinks you added to your basket and never had the money to purchase? - no problem. That girl who spurned your advances? - we have means of persuading her. 100% satisfaction guaranteed, ‘Your Every Desire’ comes with a lifetime guarantee ensuring that every want or whim you ever have will be fulfilled. And what’s more, ‘Your Every Desire’ can be yours today for free! Yes that’s right, Mr Faust, for free!’

I notice a small banner flash briefly across the screen. It reads: *Terms and conditions apply.

‘So don’t delay, call today! Simply text the words ‘I INVOKE THEE’ to the number displayed on your screen and a sales assistant will be with you shortly.’

As the jingly theme-tune plays, the screen cuts to display a phone number. I’ve never come across that area code before: +666.

I drain the last of my beer and reach for the remote but find my hand closing around my mobile instead. Before I know it, I’ve punched in the number and pinged off a message.

Suddenly, the screen jumps into life and Mateo Mephistopheles is standing before the camera once again.

‘Good evening, Mr Faust. Forgive me, this can be awkward.’

And with that, the smart-suited salesman clambers in a tangle of limbs through the television screen and into my front room.

As he stands there before me, readjusting his suit and smoothing down his tie, Mateo Mephistopheles looks even more handsome than he did on camera. Producing from his pocket a folded sheet of paper, he smiles confidentially.

‘Just a little paperwork, Mr Faust. A simple signature is all that’s required. As you can see here, you are receiving ‘Your Every Desire’ completely for free. Now that dense looking text at the bottom – that’s just some bumf that the lawyers put in. Terms and conditions, you know, very dull. I shouldn’t bother reading that.’

Whisking the paper away and placing it on the coffee table, he hands me a pen.

‘Your signature, Mr Faust, and pleasures untold will be yours.’

I think back to the office with its white clock and its white walls, the ceaseless stack of paperwork, the endless hours. Sod it, I think, and sign.

Without waiting for the blood-red ink to dry, Mateo Mephistopheles grabs the contract and makes towards the television.

‘Got to dash now! Thank you for shopping with Hell Telesales. Oh and please do allow five working days for ‘Your Every Desire’ to arrive by post.’

And with that, he disappears into the screen, which cuts to static.

*

The lawyer sits at his desk in the air-conditioned office of Limbo Legal, scanning the contract with a raised eyebrow.

‘A typical Hell job, this – the small-print barely big enough to read’.

Squinting at the paper, he lets out an uneasy sigh like a plumber trying trying to warn you how much your leaky sink will cost.

‘The terms and conditions really are water-tight, Mr Faust. Clauses 1 and 7 are especially alarming. Your Soul will remain the property of Hell Ltd., irrevocably and eternally, forever more… Blah blah blah… Hell Ltd. reserve all rights to torture your Soul, through any means possible, including but not limited to the following: an eternity of sleeplessness to the soundtrack of Justin Bieber’s ‘Sorry’ played on an endless loop, infinite hours of checking you’ve shut the front door only to realise you’re locked out and suddenly you’re naked and late for work, being chased forever by a giant version of that stuffed monkey with the creepy yellow eyes – you know, the one you wet the bed over… I mean, you have to hand it to them – they do their research, these demons! The long and short of it is, always read the terms and conditions!’

The lawyer sighs and points to an engraved gold plaque on the wall. It reads: In minutiae est Diabolos.

‘Our motto at Limbo Legal, you know. The devil’s in the detail, Mr Faust, the devil is in the detail...’