The Great Popsicle Heist

“You wanna know what’s pure malarkey?” I asked Bianca, my girlfriend, as I tore through the packaging of a cheap, chocolate popsicle I had to buy at the local supermarket.

Without looking up from her magazine she bought on the necessary supermarket run, Bianca said, “What, Pele?” Like she didn’t know the answer. She had been there for it.

“The whole, ‘No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service’ line.” The popsicle melted and dripped a little as I started  pacing around her room. Ranting suddenly seemed much more important than the chocolate withdrawal symptoms I could feel coming any minute now.

Bianca flipped a page. “Awe, here we go.”

“I mean, as long as I got money, what’s the difference? Who cares if I’m not wearing shoes? Sometimes, your shoes are gone because a seagull attacked you for your last French fry—which of course, you gotta defend…”

“Of course.”

“And sometimes you have to throw your shoes at some feathery fiend to do that.” I waved my hands dramatically all over the air. “I just feel like if you get attacked by a crazed, half-bald bird that looks like it does crack, ice cream shops should cut you a break and just let you buy a simple Double Trouble Chocolate sundae without throwing all this ‘No Shirt, No Shoes, No Surface’ business in your face.” I placed a hand over my chest. “I almost died, Bianca. If anything, they should give me a discount.”

“Ah yes, the infamous, ‘Escape a Counter with Death, Get Half Off’ discount.”

I shot her a glare and paused to suck on the popsicle, then spit it out. “This tastes like frozen chocolate milk. Disgusting. I could make a better one in my sleep.” I stopped pacing. “That’s it!”

Finally, Bianca peaked above her magazine. “What’s it?”

“I’ll create my own chocolate popsicle. And it'll be even better than a Double Trouble Chocolate sundae. We can call it…” I snapped my fingers three times fast. “Triple Trouble Chocolate popsicles.” Grabbing, Bianca’s hand, I dragged her to her kitchen, “Let’s go!”

“Alright,” I set an entire bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips on the marble counters of Bianca’s mom’s kitchen. “This should be enough for one batch.”

“One batch?” Bianca asked, gawking at the five pound bag of chocolatey goodness.

I popped a few in my mouth. “Yes, one. Mama needs her chocolate fixin’.”

“You sound like an addict.”

I popped a few more chips and stared at the now four-and-a-half pound bag. Maybe I am. I shrugged it off. “Let’s get to work, grab the cream.”

Once the popsicles were prepped and ready for freezing like the body of someone who was convinced they had cracked cryogenic freezing, I swung open the freezer door only for six packs of peas to tumble out. One touched my skin. I hissed and leapt back from it, spilling a little bit of chocolate syrup from the popsicle molds.

“Careful,” Bianca said as she grabbed a towel to clean it. She eyed her golden retriever, Poodles, who was peeking her head above the kitchen island and looking for loose chocolate scraps like a shark seeking prey. Her muscles only relaxed once the chocolate threat was cleaned up. “What’s with the crazy pea reaction?”

“Peas are the devil’s work.”

Bianca cocked her head to the side. “Sure they are. Clean them up.”

“I refuse to touch them.” I stuck my chin up at the devil’s green vegetables.

With a sign, Bianca picked up the peas. “Sometimes I feel like I’m dating a child even though you’re a month older than me.”

I stuck my tongue at her.

“Case and point.”

“Now where to put the pops.” The overcrowded freezer stared at me. So, I jammed my hands in there and started swooshing everything around to make room. Finally, I settled for placing the pops on a rickety stack of frozen pizzas and slammed the door shut before they could fall back on me. I yawned. Sauntering over to the couch, I said, “Boy, all that cleaning sure made me tired.” I jumped over the back and plopped down the center cushion. Patting the throw pillows, I made a makeshift bed. “I could use a nap while they freeze.”

“You didn’t even clean anything,” Bianca snapped. “I did.”

I patted the cushion next to me. “Then take a nap with me.”

When her insomniac butt didn’t move, I added, “I’ll just be so cold without you next to me.”

“Are you trying to seduce into taking a nap?”

“Is it working?”

To answer my question, Bianca cracked a smile and caved.

Three hours later, I woke up in a tangle of our soft limbs, I hugged a sleeping Bianca, wanting the embrace to last forever, when I suddenly remembered the Triple Trouble Chocolate popsicles in the freezer. I leaped to my feet.

“Popsicle time?” She asked, rubbing one eye.

“Popsicle time~!” I sang as I swung the freezer door open. But they weren’t inside.

Calmly, I closed the door. Then, reopened it, expecting the popsicles to magically reappear. They didn’t.

Closed door. Opened it. Gone. Again.

“Bianca, the popsicles are gone!” I cried.

“What? Are you sure?”

Closed door. Opened it. Still gone.

“So sure, I opened and closed the door like three times to check.”

“How about actually searching the freezer?”

So, I did. No popsicles were found inside. However, a chocolate stained popsicle stick was found outside it, along with some cheesy fingerprints on the freezer handle.

Bianca appeared behind me. “Did you find it?”

“No.” I picked up the stick and pointed at the fingerprints. “But I did find these clues to lead us to the culprit.”

“What is that orange stuff?”

“Don’t know. Let’s find out.” I licked the freezer handle. Bianca gagged. “Hmm, tastes like that special Star Wars edition of Cheetos they released for one month. You know, the ones they claimed had ‘stardust’ in them, but it turned out to regular dust.”

Bianca snapped her fingers. “I know those. Benny loves them.”

“Then we have our first suspect.”

Bianca kicked open her older brother’s room, startling him enough to fall off his bed. “What the fuck, Bianca?” He yelled as he yanked off his headphones. “Can’t you knock like a normal person?”

Before, she could answer, I stepped up and got all up in Benny’s acne filled face. Poor facial luck for a twenty year old. “We’ll be the ones asking the questions around here, mister.” I grabbed the cuff of his shirt. “Where’s. The. Chocolate. Popsicles.”

“The—What?”

“Don’t screw with us!” Bianca screamed as she kicked over his bedside lamp. It shattered on the floor. My face softened. “Hey, that seems a little bit extreme.” I released Benny’s shirt. “Sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry,” Bianca said, “it’s a bad habit a patriarchal society instilled in women.”

“Okay, I get that—but I feel like if you break someone’s lamp, you should apologize.”

“Not until we get those popsicles!”

“I—I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Benny said.

Bianca swapped out the shirt-grabbing position with me. “We saw your limited Star Wars edition cheeto dust on the freezer handle, talk!”

“Okay, yes, I opened the freezer today to get a frozen pizza,” he gestured to the pizza’s carcass on the floor that Bianca was accidentally stepping in. She stepped out with a grimace. “But I didn’t even see your popsicles inside.”

“Wait, I put the popsicles on top of the pizzas,” I said. “Which means someone else must have gotten to them first.”

I twisted my head to the door as I heard a soft sound behind it. “Do you guys hear whimpering?” I asked.

Immediately, Bianca released Benny and darted towards the door. Flinging it open, Poodles laid at her feet, whimpering, with her muzzle stained with chocolate popsicle.

“Oh my god, Poodles! We need to get you to the vet. Benny, grab your car keys!”

“The chocolate popsicles must have fallen out when Benny opened the door to get the pizza,” I said, “then Poodles must have gotten to them.”

Bianca scooped the fluffy thief into her arms, her knees almost buckling under the wait, but her love of Poodles remained stronger. “Benny. Keys. Let’s go!”

To say that the silence in the vet’s waiting room was uncomfortable, wouldn’t even begin to accurately describe it. It was like you and a stranger having a staring contest through the bathroom stall crack had manifested into a physical force, and that force was crammed into that quiet, little waiting room. “So…” Bianca said.

“So…” Benny said. “Where’s Pele?”

“She has to run out and get a few things.”

“Oh.”

They glanced away from each other. Bianca rubber the back of her neck as she spoke. “We don’t have to do the weird ‘I’m sorry’ thing do we?”

Benny looked up. “You mean apologize?”

“Yeah… that…”

“You broke my lamp.”

“In my defense: don’t buy weak lamps.”

He glared at her. Putting up her hands defensively, she said , “Alright, alright. I’m so...soo-we.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I accept your apology.”

Benny sighed. “Good enough.”

“Benjamin Morris?” The veterinarian called out as he brought out Poodles.

“Right here,” Benny said, standing. “What’s the deal, doc?”

He handed Benny the leash. “Since she’s thrown most of it, Poodles should be fine. Just be sure to keep an eye on her for a little bit.”

“Thanks, doc.”

“Look at that,” I cheered as I walked through the waiting room doors holding a large shopping bag. “Everything's a-okay.”

“Except for my lamp,” Benny said.

I held up a finger. “About that.” I pulled a new lamp out of the bag. “I bought you a new one.” Then, I pulled out a box of chocolate popsicles and handed one to Benny. “And popsicles. Sorry about everything. Again.”

“Thanks,” Benny said as he stuck the popsicle in his mouth. Then, pulled it out. “This tastes like frozen chocolate milk.”

“I know right!” I said. “At least you got this new lamp though.” I held it up high above my head. “And check it out, it’s totally indestructible.”

“Pele, I don’t think that’s a good idea—“ Bianca began, but was too late. I threw down the lamp and it broke in half.

I touched one lamp half with the tip of my shoe. “I’ll buy you a new one.”