Little Red Riding Hood (Remix)

"Dad, hey dad, are you up?" 

"Let me just sleep for two more minutes princess"

"No DAD wake up, DAD, WAKE UPP!!" Little Red Riding hood shook her father like a horny teen shakes his damn cock.

"Ugh, ok I'm up, I'm up, no need to yell" her father managed to sit up in bed

"Good morning" Red Riding hood smiled.

"Morning" he smiled back, fetching his box of esse lights from the bedside table. "What do you want sweetheart?" He said, blowing smoke on his daughter's face.

She coughed and declared sincerely "Its granny's goddamn birthday today and I baked a fucking cake for her. Can you drop me at the rapid metro please? Those Uber guys are all paedophiles"

"Sure thing, little one, get my car keys from the fridge"

She got them and they hit the gas.

It was a pleasant morning and the sky was sort of cloudy. There was dew on the leaves and the birds were chirping and all.

"Nice" Red Riding hood said, looking outside the car window.

"The morning?" Her dad asked

"No, I saw two dogs fucking on the roadside"

"Sure"

"Thanks for the lift though"

"No problem. And hey, stay safe ok? There's this wolf guy who might attack you. He is a sucker for home baked cakes he really is. Do you hear me?"

"I hear you, he sounds like a real villain, this guy, must be an ENTP"

"Oh he is one"

"Does he have a cool backstory too?"

"You bet"

"What is it?'

"Well the wolf was a real poor guy once, you know. Nobody employed him, since he was a wolf and all. But he had a sweet tooth, he really did. So he worked for Genpact as a telecaller and.."

"But how come Genpact hire him?"

"They hire everybody.."

"Ok what happend then?"

"Well he had enough money to buy deserts for himself now. So here's what he did. He went to Theobroma and ordered a brownie, know what he got instead?"

"What, dad?"

"Brittanica cakes with chocolate syrup on them"

"Oh my god! The audacity"

"Yeah, anyhow, wolf lost his faith in bakeries then and from that day onwards, he only ate home baked cakes, so carrying one is dangerous."

"Well fuck Granny then" Red Riding hood said "she is a hoe anyway"

"Hey, no, you have to take this cake to her. Otherwise her fucking Chit Fund colleagues would inherit the damn house"

"Lets give her a shitty cake from Theobroma then"

"Dont even think about it. Your granny might die from the taste. And inheritance is void ab initio in case of murder as per Section 493 clause 2A of the Indian Penal Code"

"So what should I do if the wolf attacks me then?"

"Umm, I don't know, just run or something ok?"

"Fuck off dad, you're risking your daughter's life for a 2BHK in Sushant lok, seriously?"

"Come on, you know I'd never do that. The thing is,they're getting an INOX in front of their house in 2022. The rates will double, its practically a 4 BHK the damn house"

"I don't believe you" she replied

"There you go" he said, showing her the news on his phone

"Ok dad, I'll run or something if the wolf attacks me" she said, a while later, after making a couple of calls.

"Thats my girl" he declared, as the car sped off into the Gurgaon horizon.

***

It took Red Riding Hood around 20 mins from Phase 2 to reach Sector 56 station.

She removed her earphones and spat her chewing gum as she walked out of the metro.

Her granny's house was a five minute walk from the station and the door was open when she reached. But she knocked twice anyway, just in case granny was walking around naked or something.

But to her surprise, her granny was lying in bed, with very less of her visible under the blanket.

"Hey what's up, are you dead or something?" Red Riding Hood greeted her.

"No, I'm just a little tired my child" granny replied in a weird voice. It sounded really shitty, her voice. Just slightly better than Cardi B's.

"Well I got a cake for you, granny"

"Aww, thanks kid. Just keep it there and fuck off"

"Sure but why are your nails so long, granny?" Red Riding hood said, examining the hand pointing in the direction of the kitchen from under the covers.

"Aah, kid, I'm not fingering much these days. I got a Dildo from Amazon. They had a sale"

"Ohh but how come are your legs so hairy?" Red Riding hood examined the foot peeping out of the blanket.

"Well I'm sort of starting a movement against this compulsive need for women to be hairless and all"

"But you were always such a sexist bitch, granny. Remember when you said that I won't get married because I'm sort of dusky?"

"No I forgot, must be the Alzheimers"

"But you have Parkinson's, granny"

"Maybe I have both"

"Umm" Red Riding hood walked towards the top of the bed "granny?"

"Yes my child?"

"Can I see your face?"

"Well, be my guest" a rather masculine voice replied, sounding like her granny was smiling beneath the blanket. The covers slid down and beneath it, was a yellow eyed wolf with blood dripping from his pointy fangs.

For a moment the girl just stared at the face and the face stared back at her, as if it were a statue. And then... "GHVVVAAAAA" the wolf let out a blood curling scream and jumped out of bed. His eyes opened wide, as if they'll pop out and his hairy hands clenched around Little Red Riding Hood's neck, ready to snap it any moment.

"GIVE ME THE CAKE OR I WILL CUT YOU INTO LITTLE PIECES AND FRY THEM IN THAT PHILLIPS AIR DRIER OVER THERE, TO SEE IF ITS ANY GOOD. IF IT IS, THEN I WILL EAT YOU AND ORDER ONE FOR MYSELF TOO BECAUSE OF MY CHOLESTEROL PROBLEM. IF ITS NOT I'LL EAT YOUR PIECES RAW, DO YOU GET IT YOU LITTLE BITCH?"

"Gee, who taught you how to talk, man?"

"Ughh, Bojack Horseman talks nobody gives a shit. I talk and everybody has a problem. GHVAAAAAAA YAAAA" the wolf screamed again.

"Well Bojack Horseman did not kill my granny, you cocksucker" 

"I didn't either. She is boning the neighborhood kid right now at his place"

"I knew she was a hoe"

"Yeah whatever, just give me the cake and leave ok?"

"No, this is for my granny. If I don't give it to her, those chit fund fuckers will inherit this property"

"Doesnt sound like my problem girl. Guess I have no choice but to kill you" The wolf's eyes turned red with rage.

And boy he was really serious about the whole killing thing.

He was all set to chew Little Red Riding hood's face off when suddenly something happened.

An Uber emerged from the wall, sending bricks flying in every direction.

One struck the mirror, cracking it. One knocked down a painting of 7 horses.

Another went through the television screen. But most just fell two centimeters away from the wall.

"Now who the fuck are you?" The wolf yelled, hands still choking Red Riding hood. "I'm Vengeance" The Uber Driver said, pointing a revolver towards him.

"Hey isn't that a dialogue from the new.." *Dishkayuuuu*, before the wolf could finish the sentence, a gunshot was heard and his goddamn brains were sprayed on the wall behind.

"You ok, kid?" The Uber driver asked, blowing air at the tip of the revolver, cowboy style.

"Yeah I'm fine" she replied "thanks for saving my life" she said

"No problem" said he "I was suspicious about this gentleman the moment he stepped in my e-rickshaw at the metro station

"But why did he do that. Granny's house is walking distance from there"

"Well he asked me for directions and I told him its 5 kilometres away. A man has got to earn his livelihood right?"

"Yes. I suppose so. I'm so sorry for judging your profession based on one experience. You dont seem like a paedophile to me. Unless you rescued me to rape me or something"

"Naah I'm not a paedo, you must have ridden with that guy from phase 2, he sort of is one"

"Yeah it was him"

"Well, all's well that ends well, isn't it?"

"It is, I guess"

Granny was back by the time Little Red Riding hood and the Uber driver added each other on Insta.

"The fuck happend here?" She vocalized her curiosty regarding the state of her establishment.

"Well there was this wolf guy who liked home baked cakes and he kinda dressed up like you and got in your bed to fool me into thinking it was you. But I figured it was a wolf and so he attacked me and this Uber guy came out of this wall and killed him"

"Really?" Granny looked at the man

"Vengeance" he smiled and shook her hand "nice to meet you"

"I'm Granny, the pleasure is all mine. But what happend to the wolf's dead body?"

"Oh it just vanished into thin air, like that Voldemort guy. There was some background music too, there really was. No idea where it came from. But screw all that. Happy Birthday Granny" Little Red Riding hood said and hugged her.

"Thanks, my child" she replied, patting her head like a dog's.

The Uber guy sort of left after that. He didn't want to be a third wheel or anything. Speaking of wheels, he needed to get his vehicle serviced too.

After he left, Little Red Riding Hood and Granny ate the cake and had a heart to heart conversation. They talked about Parkinson's and Dildos and Feminsism and Red Riding hood's dusky complexion and how it might be the reason that she'd never get married and kill herself eventually.

After the meal, they kissed goodbye and Red Riding hood took her leave.

"It was really nice having you" Granny waved at her "Thanks a lot for dealing with the wolf situation" she said

"No problem" Red Riding hood waved back.

And everybody lived happily ever after.

Except the wolf though because he sort of died. And Red Riding hood, because she was dusky in a racist country.

And Granny as she soon hit menopause.

And Red Riding hood's father because he was diagnosed with lung cancer. And the paedophile Uber guy who was soon arrested. And the normal Uber guy because he was an INFP.

And the chefs at Theobroma who kept getting complaints for their shitty cooking.

And the chit fund fuckers who knew they won't get a dime from Granny's inheritance.

And the high libido dogs who got run over by a truck.

Yeah, except all of them, everybody lived happily ever after.

The End