The Last

Lou awoke completely alone.

Ordinarily, that would not be unusual. But this evening, he found himself seated in the middle of the city’s largest auditorium.

“How…? Where…?”

Squinting into the bright lights, he looked around, trying to understand. He sat, the sole person in a sea of empty seats. Moments before, it had been standing room only. Nothing made sense. Was it a dream?

‘Am I dreaming now?’

Invited by Mona, he got stuck watching a speech by the most boring man in the world. Lou knew this was true. He'd heard them all. Only Mona could convince him to listen to this pompous ass. Lou would do anything for Mona. But this?

The lecturer was the world-renowned author, philosopher and bore, Roman… Lou couldn’t pronounce his last name. He only knew it had too few vowels and too many hyphens. Even the event’s program contained several spellings of the tongue-twister. Were any correct? Guess which one…

Roman, ‘the Boring,’ lectured the audience in five foreign languages. He famously disdained English as a mongrel tongue.

Behind him on state were five translators. Standing in identical suits and ties, they looked like waiters, minus the towels draped over their arms. But their verbal acrobatics were impressive. Like magicians, they valiantly expressed Roman’s impenetrable erudition into American English. As much as possible, the words were familiar even if the concepts were obscure.

The featured speaker, Roman, compensated for his towering ego, excuse me – his towering intellect, by being shorter than average. Having a bald pate and a strong jaw, from excessive use, he looked almost as round as tall. He wore a striped tuxedo.

Roman claimed ancient ideas as his own. He analyzed his ponderous prose in glowing terms so opaque, his translators spent the evening looking befuddled.

‘And some don’t believe in purgatory,’ Lou thought. He dismissed that idea when he realized his feelings more closely resembled hell.

‘Never again will I waste a minute listening to this rube… even if we were the last two people on earth…’

Roman’s pomposity tempted Lou to heckle. Yelling insults might provide relief. He would garner support from like-minded souls, escape this droning dirge and revel in life.

‘Oh to sing and dance…’

Before he acted, doubts crept in. Lou hated being rude. And he didn’t know the crowd. Some in the audience dozed. Did they snore in foreign languages?

Also, the speaker was stupendously boring but not stupid. Who knows what clever call to action he’d use to rally his followers? Lou feared being the scapegoat and not the hero. Yes, he would be out of there, but at what cost?

No one ever said, ‘Give me boredom, or give me death.’ Unwilling to choose, Lou sought other options.

Some barely stirred when scattered applause threatened to disrupt their slumber. A few even stood to applaud.

‘Are they so enthralled by this narcissist’s pontifications?’

Lou then realized they didn’t rise in honor of Roman, but to exit.

A misstatement sparked an argument between Roman and one translator. Their heated discussion took place in a foreign language. But it appeared Roman disagreed with the translator’s interpretation of what he’d said. A secondary dispute arose over whether this overblown distraction was necessary. Another translator tried interpreting the substance of the argument for the audience. Others pulled him back.

Their voices rising, neither Roman nor the translator gave ground. Finally, stopping short of violence, Roman fired him on the spot. The translator left in shame.

The shouting drew attendees back to their seats in hopes of further excitement. They didn’t get it.

No other translator offered to fill the gap. Forced to make his crucial point alone, Roman faced the crowd. Buying time, he wrung his hands.  The crowd stirred in anticipation.

After clearing his throat, Roman said, “Never mind…”

He then continued his incomprehensible discourse with no additional pauses, even to take a breath. At least, that’s how it felt. The translators stood by, but had no purpose.

Disappointed, the audience resumed filtering out. At first one or two. Then more. Eventually, the growing stream of people created a bottleneck at the back. Lou figured it was a common occurrence.

Unfazed, Roman droned on effectively spouting gibberish.

Though tempted, Lou decided against joining the throng. He sat mid-row. Leaving early would require stumbling over other audience members’ feet. He didn’t want to wake them.

Then, like slipping from dream to reality, Lou became aware he was alone in the empty auditorium.

How did this happen? Moments ago, everyone was there. Even the mayor. Now the place stood empty. The speaker, Roman what’s-his-name, and his entourage had vacated the premises.

‘Did Roman bore everyone out of existence? I missed the best part, the lecture’s conclusion… How could I sleep through that?’

Lou hated being alone.

‘Where’s Mona? Oh right, never showed… Stood me up. What happened? Did she text?’

He checked his phone. Nothing.

‘Ghosted. I can take a hint. Alone again.’

The story of his life.

‘God, it’s quiet. Where is everyone?’

Lou could swear that he’d been surrounded by thousands. And then he blinked. Stunned, he couldn’t believe it. The immense silence in the vast auditorium was unnerving. He clapped his hands to ensure he hadn’t gone deaf.

 ‘She set me up for this? Seems like it…’

He tried calling others on the phone, but every call went straight to voice mail.

‘Where is everyone? Why am I here instead of with them?’

His isolation felt creepy.

‘Better move on. Cleaning crew will be at it soon.’

His anxiety swelling, Lou walked up the aisle. The lobby stood empty too. He ran out. Streetlights glowed brightly on empty streets. There were no cars. No foot traffic. Not even a bus. Silence reigned.

‘This ain’t good. This is too weird.’

Lou felt his throat tighten with fear. A loud groan escaped, startling him. It was the first sound he’d heard in several minutes.

Running to the curb, he stared down the boulevard to see shining, empty streets. No traffic.

“No, no, no… What’s happened? What can I do? What now?”

He began hyperventilating. Feeling dizzy, he staggered to a bus bench.

Sitting, he thought, ‘There’s no one. I can’t collapse. No one will find me…’

He called out. “Hey! Hello! Anyone?” Not even an echo.

‘Am I the last one on earth?’

Tears streaming, Lou fell to his knees. Clasping his hands together, he looked into the dark sky.  

“Help me! Please… Show me I’m not alone!”

Sobbing, he fell forward in despair. His forehead on the cold sidewalk brought some calm.

Still kneeling, Lou heard footsteps behind him. Composing himself, he blew his nose. He stood, thrilled for some company. He turned and felt his stomach churn. It was Roman, that night’s speaker, unmistakable in his striped tux.

Offering his hand, he approached Lou.

In perfect English, he said, “You stayed ‘til the bitter end. How did you like my talk?”

Lou looked around, desperate for another. Anyone. There was no one else. Only the silence.