Car Crash TV

“Ladies and Gentlemen, get ready to play Second Chances with your host, Larry Loveheart!”

The voiceover sounds as huge screens slide apart to reveal a set dressed as a bar. The six contestants sit on stools facing the cameras, drinks in hands, while the assembled throng dutifully applaud. From behind the counter, Larry Loveheart – yes, it’s his real name: he changed it by deed-poll – strolls out to greet the audience, his gleaming white teeth unnaturally perfect. He gives a huge wink to camera and begins his introduction.

“How many people here today are happily married?” he asks.

The crowd fidget, unsure of how to respond.

Larry laughs. “Let’s try that again – I want all you married people to stand up now.”

About half the audience rise to their feet.

“Now,” and Larry pauses dramatically, “remain standing if you haven’t had a fight with your partner today.”

Embarrassed glances are exchanged as some of the audience members sit down again.

“Now, take your seat if you’ve had a fight in the last week.”

Considerably more people sit down this time.

“And finally...” – again that pause – “...stay on your feet only if you and your spouse have never had a fight at all.”

No one is left standing.

Larry approaches the tiered seating, microphone in hand, and stops by someone on the front row.

“This young man,” he remarks to the audience, “sat down straight away. What’s your name, Son?”

“Brandon,” the embarrassed youth replies.

“And where are you from?”

Over the next few minutes, we learn that Brandon and his wife Sue are from Texas, that they are both twenty-five, and that this morning, they got into an argument over who was supposed to switch on the dishwasher before they went to bed last night.

“So, you’re both heading for the divorce court, then?” Larry chuckles. He then makes his face serious. “Raise your hand if the fights you have in your marriage are mostly like Brandon and Sue’s.”

The camera pans over the audience.

“She moans when I watch sports,” someone calls out; followed by, “She never squeezes the toothpaste properly” and “He snores so loudly, he keeps waking me up!”

Larry turns to face the camera head on. “For most of us,” he declares, “the fights we have with our loved ones are over insignificant things; but what happens when it’s more serious than that? What if you’re fighting because your other half cheated on you? Would you feel justified in separating or divorcing then? Join us after the break and we’ll meet three real life couples who have to decide whether their marriage is worth a Second Chance.”

*

The camera fades to an ad break and the audience buzz with anticipation. When the music starts again, Larry is back in place at the bar, perching on a stool between the six contestants.

“We asked people to write in if their marriage was in trouble,” he tells the expectant crowd, “and then we chose three couples to take part in a unique experiment called  Second Chances.”

Cue audience applause.

“Let’s start with Marcy and Tim.” He thrusts the microphone in front of them both. “Marcy, what did Tim do to make you think everything was over?”

Marcy, a slim, pretty woman with brown hair in a plait, twists her wedding ring nervously on her finger. “Tim cheated on me,” she says miserably. The audience boos. “I’ve said I forgive him,” she continues, “but I just don’t know if I can trust him anymore.”

“Tim, what’s your response to that?”

Tim, who appears to have been chosen by the producers for his ego rather than his intellect, shrugs. “It’s not my fault women find me attractive. I can’t help it if they come on to me.”

“But you can choose not to respond!” one of the other wives says spiritedly.

Tim ignores her comment.

“We’ll get to you in a moment, Maisie,” Larry says, “but first we’re going to see some hidden camera footage of what Tim’s been up to this week.”

On the large screen at the back of the room, we see images of Tim at home with Marcy and their kids. He’s obviously doing his best to present a clean-cut family image. All this stops when he thinks the camera crew have left. While Marcy cooks in the kitchen, Tim sprawls on the living room sofa, swiping left and right on Tinder and leaving flirty messages for women he doesn’t know. Marcy’s face is white as she sees the footage; Tim looks nonchalant.

“Did you know he was doing that?” Larry asks.

Marcy shakes her head dumbly.

“And do you still want to give him a second chance?”

A single tear rolls down Marcy’s cheek.

Larry turns to the audience. “You’re going to help Marcy decide. Under your seats, you’ll find a double-sided card with ‘Divorce’ on the red side and ‘Second Chance’ on the green side. I want you to hold your cards up now!”

No one is surprised by the sea of red cards.

“What about you, Marcy? Do you agree with everyone else?”

With uncharacteristic fire, Marcy replies, “Tim, you’re history!”

The audience cheer.

“Tim and Marcy,” Larry looks from one to the other, “you will NOT be going on to the next round. But we’re not sending you away empty handed – Marcy, there’s a number for you here for one of the best divorce lawyers in your state.”

The two of them are bundled off stage before Tim has time to repeat that it’s not his fault.

*

Of the two remaining couples, Tom and Darcy are reeling from Tom’s recent indiscretion with a woman who’d called him in to fix her washing machine – “So, you’re a plumber?” Larry interjected – and Jim and Maisie have both strayed numerous times during their four years of marriage. The audience decide that Jim and Maisie have given each other enough second chances already and hold up their red cards, but Tom and Darcy are deemed to have a marriage worth saving.

“And that means Tom and Darcy go through to our next round!” Larry announces as Jim and Maisie are bundled off to the side. “We’ll see exactly what that entails – after the break.”

Once the cameras have panned away from them, Tom turns to his wife and tries to take her hand in his. “I’m so sorry I’ve put you through this,” he says simply. “I acted like a jerk when I kissed that woman, but I’ve learned my lesson now. Thanks for giving me a second chance.”

“The show’s not over yet,” Darcy mutters, pulling her hand away. She loves Tom – or, at least, she used to – but seeing his confession up on the big screen has brought back painful memories she’d rather forget and she feels that the studio audience have steamrollered her into forgiving him.

*

When the final segment of the show begins, the crowd are agog to see what happens next. As the camera returns to Larry and the two final contestants, an attractive woman in a smart black business suit and a handsome man, formally dressed, can be seen sitting on stools adjacent to Tom and Darcy. Larry introduces them as Dr Martin Goodman and Dr Pepper Bell – marriage guidance counsellors who will be working with Tom and Darcy to help them get their marriage back on track. Dr Bell’s long legs and killer heels draw appreciative whistles from some of the less well-behaved male audience members, although her hairstyle – blonde hair scraped back in a bun – and horn rimmed glasses make her look a little severe; whereas Dr Goodman sets the female hearts fluttering when he takes Darcy’s hand, looks intently into her eyes and promises that he will do his best to sort out her marital difficulties. Tom notices that Darcy is quite happy to let her hand rest where it is, clasped inside the doctor’s much larger one, and a slight feeling of unease makes his stomach twist uncomfortably.

“So, Pepper,” Larry says now, “why don’t you tell the audience a little more about what they can expect to see next week?”

Dr Bell regards Camera Two with brilliant blue eyes that even her thick glasses can’t obscure. “Well, Larry,” she purrs, her voice low and seductive, “Martin and I will both have a session where we meet with Tom and Darcy and encourage them to work through some of the trust issues they’re currently experiencing. These couples-therapy workshops will be filmed, of course, so the audience at home –“ and here she flashes a brilliant smile for the viewers – “can see how our Second Chancers communicate with each other and whether or not they’re able to put some of our advice into practice.”

“That’s right,” Dr Goodman interrupts, still keeping his grip on Darcy’s hand. “The emphasis is on these sessions being workshops – we’re going to give Tom and Darcy the tools they need to fix their marriage themselves.”

The crowd applaud. Larry holds up a hand for silence. “So, there you are, folks. Join us again next week to see whether Martin and Pepper’s advice can help Tom and Darcy stay focused on giving each other a second chance.”

The cameras pull away gently as the theme music plays and the end credits roll. Dr Goodman is still clutching Darcy’s hand, and she shows no sign of feeling uncomfortable.

*

Ratings are high for the pilot episode. Viewers love the interactive aspect and the sexy therapists and immediately start placing bets on whether or not Tom and Darcy will still be together at the end of Episode 2. In the meantime, the couple are interviewed on their local news channel and have to resort to wearing sunglasses when they go out to avoid being recognised. Neither of them is happy about the media circus, but they’re doing this to save their marriage. Nevertheless, when it’s time to return to the studio for the live broadcast of the next instalment, Tom expresses doubts that they’re doing the right thing.

“So, Tom,” Larry says jovially as the cameras zoom in on the couple and the two doctors, “last week, we sent you and Darcy off for some therapy sessions with Dr Goodman and Dr Bell. Have you found that beneficial?”

“Not really,” Tom says honestly.

The audience murmur.

“Would you care to explain why?”

The audience leans forward, anticipating an hour of car crash TV.

“Well...” Tom looks embarrassed. “I only got to do one full session – I was called away for a plumbing emergency in the middle of the second one. And that session seemed to be all about making me feel bad about myself. I thought this show was about saving our marriage, not wrecking it.”

“Do you want to respond to that, Pepper?” Larry asks.

Dr Bell leans forward, displaying an impressive cleavage to the camera. Tom instantly looks away.

“Tom has to take responsibility for his own actions,” she says earnestly. “Until he admits that he hurt his wife, the two of them will never be able to move forward.”

Tom’s about to speak, but Larry silences him. “Well, we’ll see exactly what happened after these messages,” he says, motioning to Tom to behave.

By the time the viewers at home have been treated to a montage of dancing pizza slices, an ad for haemorrhoid cream and a thrilling monologue detailing which supermarket offers the best discounts, Tom is once more quiet and docile. Footage plays of the first counselling session. The husband and wife sit in Dr Bell’s office where spider plants and an aquarium instantly reassure the audience. “I want you to be able to express your emotions honestly with each other,” she says. They both nod obediently.

As the video continues, it’s clear to the audience that Tom is the bad guy here – they’d know this even if Dr Bell didn’t keep telling Darcy that she’s “not the one to blame here” and that “Tom has a lot of work to do to make you trust him again.” Darcy’s sobs as she narrates her tale of woe – she found suggestive texts on his phone from another woman and then he confessed to an affair – have every woman in the audience sympathising with her and every man feeling he needs to apologise.

“Darcy,” Tom pleads at one point, “I know what I did was wrong. But I didn’t sleep with her.”

“Only because her husband came home before it got to that stage!” Darcy replies.

Tom takes hold of Darcy’s hands. “Darce, I love you. I was an idiot, but I’ve learned my lesson now. You have to believe me when I tell you I’m not going to cheat again.”

Larry pauses the video. “Do we believe Tom?” he wants to know. An overwhelming silence is all the answer he needs. He goes back to the video.

The session’s over and the couple are about to leave. As Tom and Darcy rise to their feet, there is a knock at the door. It seems there is a problem with Darcy’s paperwork.

“You go ahead and sort it out with the receptionist,” Dr Bell says, adding to Tom, “You can wait here for your wife. I’ve got a couple of other strategies I’d like to run by you.”

Once the door has closed after Darcy, Dr Bell removes her glasses and shakes her hair free of its bun. She is suddenly very alluring. “You can stop filming now,” she says.

*

The screen goes blank for a few seconds and then clicks on again. “What Tom doesn’t know,” says Larry conspiratorially, “is that there’s a hidden camera in this room. We’re going to see if he meant what he said about not cheating again.”

The secret camera lingers on Dr Bell as she sits down next to Tom and strokes his arm suggestively. “She’ll be at least half an hour with that paperwork,” she whispers, “and what happens in this office stays in this office.”

At this point, the crowd go wild. Larry, who is enjoying this far too much, turns to the audience. “It’s time to vote,” he says. “Hold up your red card if you think Tom cheats and your green card if you think he says no.”

Amidst the predominantly red backdrop, a few lone greens stand out in support of Tom.

“Let’s see if you’re right,” says Larry, pressing ‘Play’ again.

While they watch the rest of the video, the camera pans from Darcy’s white face to Tom’s clenched fists and then the knowing smile on Dr Bell’s face.

“I really hope this is just part of your therapy session and not for real,” Tom tells a startled Dr Bell in the video, “because if it’s for real, you deserve to be struck off for malpractice.” He gets up, putting as much space as possible between himself and the attractive blonde. “I love Darcy. I’m not going to do anything else to mess that up. Period.”

From the back of the studio audience, a slow clapping starts, gradually building to more enthusiastic applause as the assembled jury realise that maybe they misjudged Tom after all. Tom looks hopefully at Darcy – surely now she must realise that he meant what he said; but the expression on his wife’s face is anything but happy.

“Tom,” Larry seems as surprised as the audience, “you’ve proved that you do deserve a second chance – but it could all change after the break.”

And then, the camera fades once more to commercial.

*

It’s eight minutes into the final segment. We’ve seen Dr Goodman begin to take the couple through an excruciating few moments of ‘mental spring cleaning’, a process, he explains, that focuses on getting rid of negative thoughts about one’s partner by verbalising them. They are given two minutes to write a list detailing all their partner’s bad habits and annoying mannerisms and are then told to read those lists out loud. They are only halfway through Darcy’s rant when Tom’s phone rings. He looks at the doctor inquiringly.

When Dr Goodman tells him to answer it, Tom listens intently for a moment and then mutes the speaker while he talks to his wife. “I’m so sorry, Darce – I know this is important to you and it’s important to me too, but there’s a work emergency.”

“What kind of emergency?” Darcy asks.

The story he gives her of an old lady whose kitchen is flooded sounds plausible, but the audience and Darcy are both mistrustful.

“Can’t it wait?” she asks plaintively.

“We’ll have to reschedule,” he tells her, preparing to leave.

“If you wait a moment, Darcy, we’ll look at my diary and sort out a new date,” Dr Goodman promises.

Darcy looks close to tears.

In an almost identical copy of the previous session, Dr Goodman asks for the camera to be switched off. The secret camera clicks on to show the therapist putting a comforting arm around Darcy’s shoulders and handing her a convenient product placement. She blows her nose on the Kleenex.

“It must be hard for you when you’re trying so hard and Tom doesn’t seem to want to save your marriage,” Dr Goodman says gently. He kisses Darcy’s tears away. “How can anyone not appreciate a woman like you?” he murmurs as he makes contact with her lips. There is a stunned silence as the kiss becomes a passionate clinch and then the screen mercifully blanks out.

*

“Studio audience, it’s time to vote!” Larry declares. “Hold up red if you think Darcy went all the way and green if...”

But at this point, Tom stands up and grabs the microphone out of Larry’s hand.

“This was never about me and Darcy!” he rages. “It’s just a sad attempt for a has-been like you to get ratings.” Turning to his wife, he adds, “I love you, Darce, and so I’ll give you a second chance – if you still want me.”

Reader – it’s your turn to decide.