۵яє∂

۵яє∂ ιѕ тнє ¢σℓσя σf ραιи…нυят…αи∂ нєαятвяєαк.۵

“Why!?” I screamed.

“I don’t know…I just–” he stammered that faithful day before Valentines day. “Its not you…its me.”

That was the excuse he used. That overused excuse. He didn’t have a reason for why he got with me…and he didn’t have a reason for why he left. I guess I should’ve seen it coming, but I’m sorry, I didn’t.

۵яє∂ ιѕ тнє ¢σℓσя σf נєαℓσυѕу, ℓιєѕ, αи∂ νισℓєи¢є.۵

My name is мαχιмιℓιєииє fαναgєя. I believe its safe to say that I got my heart broken right before Valentines day, lucky me. That was about 5 years ago and I’m still hurt. I thought he was the one, I really did, I wouldn’t get with someone I didn’t think I had a future with… but sadly I saw a future with him. He did not.

There’s a reason why relationships are so hard. When your in a relationship nothing can be one-sided. You could feel something but would have to wonder whether they felt the same. If you sat there thinking your in a mutual relationship with someone and then boom– you’re really in a one sided relationship and you’re the only one who didn’t know. Embarrassing right?

I breathe through my teeth as a couple beside me grabs each others hand…

“Will you be my valentine?” the guy asks her.

“Of couurseeee” the girl squeals like she has been waiting for him ask her that since forever. Once upon a time, I was that girl, except I got dumped. Imagine that? Life just isn’t fair, I think as I glare at her, she stares in awe at the pink heart cake he gave her.

I hope both of you choke on that cake– Kidding…kidding…

“Please stop staring at them like that.” my friend, Izzy says slumping down, she looks me up and down. “Ugh you’re just a depressing piece of-”

“Ahh I don’t wanna hear it.” I say as I sip my drink. “Couples should stay indoors where no one can see them. They need to be considerate of the sad souls out here.”

“Sad souls who have been depressed about a 3 month relationship for like what? 10 years?”

“Its 5 years.” I seethe through my teeth.

“Well sweetie guess I just read your future huh?”

“You’re not funny.”

“Neither are you. But hey, want to go with me to the buffet?”

“Is Johnny Boy going?” she pauses visibly.

“First of all, its John. And mayyybeee-”

“I’m not going, you're both cringey and I don’t want to spend all day being a third wheel. You don’t want me to go anyways, you’re just asking me that to be nice while expecting me to say no. I’ve told you to stop multiple times, I honestly don’t want your pity. Or a boyfriend, or a date. What I want…is for this holiday to disappear.”

“Well honey bunch’n oats, I don’t know what else to tell you.” she says as she snatches my cake. “Mm this is good.” she muffles.

I grab my stuff–

“Hey where are you going?”

“Home.”

“Wait Maxi– aww did he just ask you to be his valentine?” Izzy asks the giddy girl who I was sitting next too. “Yesss!” she squeals.

“Ugh that is so cute. You know my boyfrie–”

I stop listening and walk out.

I don’t appreciate how she always belittles my pain. But I guess it is weird to still be hurt over a break up that happened 5 years ago…but since when did they put a time limit on how long your heart should be broken. Its no surprise that I feel harder than most people. Its not natural to cry over a fly that got smushed against a window by a fly swapper for 2 days straight. Hey, it was very traumatizing for me.

I drive to my apartment building and sigh. I can’t wait to sleep all the way through Valentines day and all its “glories”.

I lock my door and walk into the building. I say hey to the lady at the desks who’s name I can’t remember. I enter the elevator and punch in the number 5. I watch the elevator close and suddenly a hand holds it. I watch as the guy walks in. He looks familiar. But I don’t care to remember.

“Sorry about that.” the guy says. That voice is familiar…

“I’m new here and still tryna get around ya know?…” he says with a little dragging at the end…

He must be talking to the air cause its not I.

“Maxi–?”

I turn my head so fast I almost break my neck. And there he is…the guy who broke my heart right before valentines day. He looks better than ever…which I hate. I’m in shock and I can tell he is the same.

“Maxi omg…how long has it been?” he reaches his hand to hug me. And I put my hand up stopping him remembering who I am, and who he is. What he did.

“This isn’t a reunion.” I say with a cold tone. He backs off a flash of hurt in his eyes. Oh, what? Want me to feel bad? You didn’t feel bad when you dropped me off in front of the school leaving me to walk the rest of the way home.

“Okay I guess I deserved that. Maxi…I just want to let you know that–” BING

I walk out of the elevator hoping he would leave me alone. But apart of me wants to know what he will say. Part of me is ignoring the thumping of my heart.

“Wait Maxi just hear me out!” A part of me snaps.

“No! No you had a chance, I gave you a chance to spill your heart out! But obviously now that you have had 5 years to think about it, you’ve suddenly got a better excuse than ‘its not you its me’.” I say with air quotations.

He remains silent… then softly speaks.

“I know what I did, I know how it made you feel. And I wish I could tell you that after 5 years of thinking about how stupid I was to let you go…that I had a somewhat better excuse as to why I left but I don’t.” I watch him fiddle with his sleeve as I try not to cry.

“And I’m sorry.”

“So same excuse?” I say with a voice crack.

“I– I was just a dumb kid, which is ironic since we were in college and friends for–”

“8 years” I finish off.

“Yeah. I had all these feelings for you and didn’t know what to do with them. I was just really stupid…nothing I can say right now, would make you hate me less but please I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t like me?” I whisper.

“I did. I truly did.”

“No, that wasn’t a question. You obviously didn’t like me the way I liked you. If you did, you would have stayed. I loved you!” I say with tears dripping down my eyes. I turn around walking away.

“I know.”

“I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you! And you of all people knew that was a big thing for me to say!”

“I just wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment yet… I was overwhelmed.”

There it was. There it is. The real reason why he left.

“Oh okay…” I say with a louder crack in my voice. I turn around and walk down the narrow hallway.

“Maxi! I’m a different person now.”

“That’s what they all say.”

I open my door, feeling unsatisfied, I slump on the floor. I had so much more to say. I should have cursed him out, dragged him by his perfect lips and just- ugh! I had so much more to say. I had so much more to say. Then why did I say I loved him…I cry on the floor feeling all those past feelings once more.

۵яє∂ ιѕ тнє ¢σℓσя σf ѕα∂иєѕѕ, нαтяє∂ αи∂ ∂єρяєѕѕισи.۵

Don’t you just love when you go to sleep crying and when you wake up the next day you start feeling like poop with enlarged eyebags? Yeah, I do too. I get up from the floor– wiping the drool off my lips. That's embarrassing.

What did I dream off again? Oh right, Nero.

Did I even get anything done yest- Wait Nero? Was that a dream? Suddenly the whole conversation I had yesterday starts flooding in…why did I he have to come here, why couldn’t he just disappear?

I sigh as I feel tears well up in my eyes. I walk myself over to the bathroom and jump into the feeling of the water.

۵яє∂ ιѕ тнє ¢σℓσя σf ¢σиѕι∂єяαтισи, fσяgινєиєѕѕ, αи∂ яє∂ємρтισи.۵

I walk outside, yes, I didn’t think I was going to go out either but everything on tv is about romance, reminding me of my nonexistent love life. I am about 28 going on 29, I know I shouldn’t rush the process but I thought I would be married by now. I guess I have high expectations. But because of what happened with Nero, I have been too afraid to chase them, its like I’m waiting for it to come to me while I push everybody out.

I walk to the nearest café this time.

“Hey Maxi, how are you?” the waitress who was also my roommate for 2 years in college. “You never come visit me, we need to hang out.”

“Haha… been super busy with med school…” I say with a smile. I used to hang out with her all the time, she’s fun.

“Maxi…we literally go to the same med school. And we are on break!” she says with a scowl. “You aren’t avoiding me, are you.”

“I would never Rizla!” I laugh nervously. “I promise we will hang out soon. Now can I get a cappuccino with less cream and a blueberry muffin– actually make that two annnddd can I get the sausage, eggs and toast”

“Alright, oh and we have a special velvet cake for valentines” she says as she taps into the computer.

“Is it free?”

“Of course it is.”

“Then I’ll get it!”

As I am about to pay her for the rest of my food a hand and a deep voice stops me.

“I got it.” Nero says with a glance to me. I’m in shock for the second time this week and before I can stop him he has already paid. I glare at him as Rizla raises her eyebrows. “Nero?” she asks him.

“Hey…Riz.”

I sigh and walk over to my seat right next to the window.

Ten minutes later…guess who shows up? Yup, Nero and he is carrying my food and my drink in all arms.

“Sorry, Rizla wanted me to hand this to you.”

Typical Rizla. I thank him as I grab my stuff from his hand. He stands there awkwardly– like he wants to go but he wants to stay. He opens his mouth visibly then closes it…

“Thanks for paying for my–”

“can I sit here?” we both say at the same time.

“food…” I finish off. He laughs, and slides into the chair.

“I never said yes,” I say picking up my coffee. “You never said no” he says with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. I glare at him…

“No.” I say with a tease. He starts to get up…

“Wait I was joking” I say on complete instinct, not wanting to see him go. He sits down, he smiles like he has won and pulls a hand through his hair. Its awkward, I refuse to speak to him. I can’t fall back into what used to be. He glances at me and looks back down at his hands, then he looks at me again.

“If you are going to look, at least do so discreetly.”

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” he says abruptly.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t like to see you cry, it wasn’t my intention to make you cry…”

“Yeah? well you have done it twice.” I say sarcastically as I pop my warm toast into my mouth.

“You paid for this because you thought it could, in a way, make up for what you did to me the day before valentines day?” I read him easily. He squirms in embarrassment.

“Sorry.”

“Is there anything your not sorry for?” I ask him annoyedly. He laughs, and I stare at him remembering all the laughter's and fun we had in the past. How I felt in the past. Even when we were friends, he was always there.

“You’ve become more…sarcastic and snappy I see.”

“Is there something wrong with that?”

“No…” he whispers. “I still love it.” he says staring at me. I stare back then I look away.

“Is there something you want to say?” I ask.

“I have missed you all these years, and I know that's selfish coming from me since I let you go. I’m not asking for relationship or anything like that, all I am asking for is for you to give me a chance. Just give me a chance to see that I have changed I truly have.”

“What are you saying?” I take a sip of my drink again.

“When I broke up with you, I ruined every relationship we had. Our friendship and everything else we built. I just want you to give me a chance to prove myself again… to start over? From strangers, to possibly friends?”

“And what if I say no? What if I don’t want to let you back into my life. What if we start over and you do the same thing you did before? What if you haven’t changed at all?” I question him.

“You be the judge of that. If you don’t want this then its okay, I’ll try to stay away from you from this moment on.”

I look away from him, and sigh. I never expected this…“I need to think about this.”

“Of course. I understand, I’ll leave.” Nero says, he packs his stuff and walks.

I stare out the window watching him walk right past the shop with his perfect side profile…he waves with a half smile and walks away.

“Hey Maxi, are you okay?” Rizla asks me as she places my heart cake down in front.

“Uh…yeah. Yeah, I will be.” I respond. Maybe 5 years of holding a grudge against him, maybe now I can finally learn to forgive him and let it go. Maybe this is a chance to start over and the first step is to forgive. If I give him a chance to start over our friendship or relationship and it doesn’t work out then I suppose then it wasn’t meant to be. I guess I can’t be mad at fate…or whatever that is out there drawing us together or apart.

“If you want me to go beat him up then just say the word” she say as she cracks her fingers. I shouldn’t have told her at all…

“No…No Rizla, its fine. Everything is fine now.” I smile genuinely believing myself.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” I say with a nod. I look outside…“I’m gonna go now, I’ll text you!”

“Yes! Text me all the deets!”

I nod and carry my food to go, but then I stop feeling a weird vibe. I turn around reading her mind, I shake my head. “Don’t you dare tell Izzy.”

“Oh sweetie, I don’t even talk to Izzy haha… whatever are you talking about Maxi, I would never!” she says twirling her hair with her index finger. I roll my eyes and walk out, and for the first time in 5 years, I don’t think I hate Valentines day anymore.

I walk to my apartment once again…I stop at the front desk this time. “Nero…his name is Nero, I forgot his last name…”

“No worries, he’s the only one with that name actually. He is on…. the 3rd floor, number 5 on your left!”

“Thank you.” I say with a smile. And then I dash up the stairs feeling my heart pounding…I haven’t done something this bold in forever. I glance around the 3rd floor and I find number 5. Without a thought I knock on the door quickly. I bounce up and down and suddenly the reality starts hitting me in the face. “What if he isn’t home?” “Ugh why did I come here?”

It doesn’t take long for them to vanish though cause he opens the door, in surprise he stands up a little straighter.

“M-Maxi? Uh do you wanna come in– no that’s probably weird but um…okay what are you doing here? I mean, I love that you’re here but I thought I would never see you aga–”

I cut him off as I hold out my hand.

“My name is мαχιмιℓιєииє fαναgєя, what's yours?”

I smirk at his surprised face. Then he pulls out his own hand and takes mine…

“Nero Chaput”

۵αи∂ ℓαѕтℓу, яє∂ ιѕ тнє ¢σℓσя σf ℓσνє.۵