Contest #186 shortlist ⭐️

109 comments

Contemporary Fiction

CW: mentions of miscarriage and suicide

Dale was adamant. Adamant that chocolate chips belonged in banana bread, that health care should be universal, and that rap music is an acquired taste. He thought people who grew up with grandparents close-by had a deeper sense of security than those who didn’t, and that saying hello to people you passed, whether you knew them or not, was the foundation of civilization.

Dale was adamant. Adamant that I was the most beautiful girl he had ever been with and that he wanted to share his future with me. He had big dreams of trips we would take and places we would go. After dinner, we’d take long walks around the neighborhood stopping in somewhere on our stroll to meet up with neighbors or have a nightcap. “If we couldn’t get to Italy, we’d bring Italy to us,” he declared.

Dale was adamant. We didn’t need a big, fancy wedding to prove to the world that we were meant for each other, and we didn’t need to wait ‘til we graduated. “I’ve never loved anyone more in my whole life. Why wait?’ he reasoned, as I grabbed my coat and we headed for city hall.

Dale was adamant. “You’ll finish your degree one day,” he said, although my body told me that holding down a full-time job, trying to start a family, volunteering at the rehab center, and training for a 5K were about all I could handle, and that graduate courses would have to be a part of someone else’s life trajectory.

Dale was adamant. We would win the lottery, inherit an unexpected windfall, and move to a nicer neighborhood. We would stop the long commutes and the shitty jobs and have time to sit around with the kids we still didn’t have. We’d tell stories by the fireplace, either our own or at a cabin we’d rented in some magical place. There’d be snow and mugs of hot chocolate, or homemade glögg and candles if the kids were in bed.

Dale was adamant. Adamant that neither one of us would take up golf or crafts in retirement. We would travel extensively and read about all the places we’d go, and cultures and languages we would encounter. We would host wild birthday parties for our grandchildren without electronics or ponies, but with plenty of ice cream and cake and candles and wishes.

Dale was adamant. Conspiracy theories, while trendy, were poppycock. Except for one. He truly believed that you could fail a drug test if you consumed poppy seeds. “It’s true, Maddie. The Department of Health has warned that eating poppy seeds could cause a codeine positive urine analysis.” Every time he mentioned this, I wondered if he had a similar theory for why I continued to be barren.

Dale was adamant. I was going to get pregnant and we were going to be parents. He offered to adjust his diet with mine. We would eat foods that were rich in antioxidants like folate and zinc and take multi-vitamins by the handfuls. We would reduce our stress levels and focus on love-making and not procreating. We would cut down on caffeine and increase our iron intakes. We’d eat more garlic-or abandon it completely- as soon as he looked into what was best for conceiving.

Dale was adamant. We would not shelter our children and would not expose them to organized religion. We’d let our children make their own choices, simple things like which cereal to have for breakfast and which extra-curricular activities to participate in, so they’d become independent and confident in their ability to think for themselves. We’d share-but not impose- our values on our children and we’d stress that education is important, but it is even more important to be a nice person.

Dale was adamant. We had done ‘everything right’ in order to conceive, but we needed to do more. We needed to nest-build. So, over the next few weekends, we’d paint the baby’s room, buy a rocking chair, and assemble a crib. We’d visualize this baby into life. My head hurt. If visualization worked, I would be pregnant right now. I do not know what Dale will say when he realizes my body is not cooperating with his plan.

Dale was adamant. It was probably the car accident that provoked the miscarriage. Losing your best friend must have been a shock to the system and your body probably shut down. “We can try again,” he says. I nod, but there is so much blood and so much loss. I don’t know if I can.

Dale was adamant. The miscarriage was a setback, but it’s not the end. We can try in vitro or we can adopt. Maybe find a surrogate. Looking at me he adds, “You need to stop crying though. You really do.” I try, but I can’t.

Dale was adamant. I should talk to someone. My attitude is starting to affect this marriage. I cry too much. And if I’m not crying, I just seem so damn miserable. I stifle a sniffle when he tells me, “Not having a baby is not the end of the world. Not going to graduate school doesn’t mean you’re stupid or can’t get the job you want. And a lot of people have lost their best friend in car accidents, but they pick up the pieces and get on with their lives.” He could not see how low I had sunk. That I could no longer pull myself out of the dark hole I was in. That every word he spoke now was like a hand on top of my head holding me down beneath the dark soil of the earth.

Dale was adamant. He wanted a divorce. I have more issues than he was willing or able to deal with. He needed to move on. Be with someone else. And I needed to take care of my mental health challenges. Stop talking about killing myself. “Where did you think that was going to get you?” he asked concerned and annoyed in equal measures.

Dale was adamant. His new wife was not pleased he comes over here. I should know better than to talk about ending it all. I should know that threatening suicide is serious. “Sure, you’re feeling badly, but I know you, you’d never try to hurt yourself. You could never end your life. Right?”  I didn’t tell him that I could, that I might, that I would.

Dale was adamant. But so was I.

February 24, 2023 17:38

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109 comments

Michał Przywara
19:54 Feb 25, 2023

The story itself is fine, as it covers a lot of ground with an ironic device (his confidence in his reality doesn’t at all line up with actual reality) - but the way it sets up that final line is beautiful. A sad ending, yes, but a perfect way to cap it. Beyond that, Dale is a study in good intentions paving the way to hell. He's not malicious, but his adamance bullies anything the narrator wants, and silences her. Ultimately, she speaks with the only avenue left to her. I also like the subtle shift in the meaning of the repeating phrase....

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Wally Schmidt
00:09 Feb 26, 2023

Thanks for dropping in Michal. I always look forward to (cherish) your commentary because you always have a unique take on what is written. I love your comment "good intentions paving the way to hell" -now that would make a great prompt! Gonna knoodle on that

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Michał Przywara
20:00 Mar 03, 2023

Congrats on the shortlist!

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Wally Schmidt
20:01 Mar 03, 2023

Congratulations on the WIN!!! Bowing down to your enormous talent and waiting to read your next one.

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Michał Przywara
20:31 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks :D

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Karen Kinley
16:08 Mar 26, 2023

I read the story in the exact way that Michal did! The subtle shift in meaning of "adamant" as the story progresses...the idea that Dale was not intending to be malicious but that he contributed to her demise. Very well crafted, but extraordinarily sad, story. Glad you got the shortlist!

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Zack Powell
05:55 Feb 25, 2023

I can assure you, Wally, that your concerns about overediting and the story not making sense should be completely nonexistent. This is quite good. (Also, I wish you'd write a story every week, but how can I ask that of you when I don't even practice that philosophy? Alas.) It was a great choice of sentence to repeat, especially given the one-two punch of the ending line. But beyond that, it just gives the story a sense of cohesion. Like, Dale having such a strong effect on this narrator, to the point that he's the subject of the story's one...

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Wally Schmidt
19:42 Feb 25, 2023

LOL the line you liked is one that just barely escaped my backspace/delete key. Thank you Zack for reading and your encouragement. Always appreciated.

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Zack Powell
16:38 Mar 03, 2023

Congratulations on the shortlist, Wally! Couldn't be happier to see this story get the recognition it deserves.

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Wally Schmidt
17:38 Mar 04, 2023

Couldn't be happier about getting short-listed, but especially happy having your support. Thanks Zack!

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Kendra Lindholm
18:37 Feb 24, 2023

Aww, so many layers of sadness just piling up on top of each other. Great storytelling and Wonderful use of the prompt.

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Wally Schmidt
19:43 Feb 25, 2023

Thanks so much Kendra for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it

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Trudy Jas
00:25 Mar 06, 2024

I ditto Michal. An other great story.

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Darvico Ulmeli
19:51 Mar 05, 2024

I recognize myself in the first half ( maybe even more than half) of the story. I have the same attitude as Dale. Every line sounded like it was coming from me, but I am still married and happy. Really enjoyed the story even do end is sad.

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16:25 Jul 21, 2023

Oh. My. Gosh. Wow. That. Was. Amazing. It starts out happily, then a slow downward spiral until rock-bottom - Suicide. Reading it, from the middle until the end I'm saying 'How can life go so wrong?' It all piles up, depression after depression. She needs him most when she gets suicidal but he just can't deal with it anymore. Without changing even a letter, without adding even one italic, the sentence 'Dale was adamant' subtly but surely changes as the story progresses. Everything else I could say has probably already been said.

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Wally Schmidt
05:41 Jul 28, 2023

I had never really given form much thought until this prompt, so was happy with how it turned out. I was afraid that the repetition of the same sentence would be boring so knew that I needed to make the meaning of the sentence evolve during the story. The story chronicles the slow steady drip of a relationship which has gone south that had initially started off so promisingly. Thanks so much for reading my stories. I really appreciate it.

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Ruth Porritt
05:08 May 06, 2023

Hello Wally, at one part in this story, I literally thought: Hey, this narration sounds like I am writing. (or talking) Well done!! I wish that I had written this story. The only thing that I would change is the very last line. I would omit it. I would use the next to last sentence as the new last line. Also, "I didn't tell him that I could, that I might, that I would" is a statement that took my breath away. I admire the work that went into writing this brief sentence that has maximum emotional impact. I see that this story was shortlist...

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Wally Schmidt
01:59 May 08, 2023

Ruth that is exciting news that you will be working on your novel this summer! What is it about? Or is it a secret? I have been working on one (I'm about 3/4 of the way through). I came to Reedsy this winter when I took a break from the novel and discovered the short story form. I like the closure you get from writing short stories and having people read them. That part is more fulfilling than novel-writing, but I too am going to get back to it this summer. My Romanian writing partner is having her first novel adapted to a tv series so that...

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Ruth Porritt
07:59 May 10, 2023

Hello Wally, The novel is about a teacher in a small town. Yes, I agree. It is nice to write short stories, and to become better at the short form. (of writing) For me, I like the deadline. (If I don't have a deadline, it is hard for me to complete full writing drafts.) Awesome!! I am so happy for your writing partner! :) I know it can take so many years of hard work before any kind of art becomes commercially successful. Thank you for the luck, and I will let you know how it goes with the novel. Have a great morning, Ruth

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05:40 Apr 18, 2023

Oh my goodness - so true for many and so touching. Our son married a woman who did not want kids - he said he was okay with it, but if you ever saw his face when he looked at a baby - so she left him, and broke his heart for a long while. Now he's married with twin boys and a girl . . . it's all so sad, real, and confusing. Nicely told, it was like sliding down a bright, cold hill. xo

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Wally Schmidt
01:51 May 08, 2023

It sounds like it worked out for your son in the end; I'm delighted to hear that. Somehow hearts mend and people move on in the best case scenarios. Hope you are enjoying the grandbabies.

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22:42 Apr 17, 2023

I can’t add anything to what Michal said below. Really interesting device as I started out finding Dale so charming and then almost thought I had misread something when I started to dislike him.

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Wally Schmidt
22:49 Apr 17, 2023

Nope. You got him exactly.

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Serine Achache
14:32 Apr 06, 2023

You did an incredible job with the prompt! The repetitive line was a declaration at first, but as the story unfolds, those three words start reflecting Maddie's emotions: hopefulness, helplessness, devastation then resentment. It's so beautifully crafted that I felt I knew the characters personally. And the last line? That was A KILLER. Very well done and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work!

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Frances Gaudiano
19:35 Apr 02, 2023

This story gave me chills. At first I wasn't sure about repeating adamant but then it seemed necessary - that word was what drove her to depression. I loved it!

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Wally Schmidt
20:10 Apr 02, 2023

Thanks Frances! TBH I was not sure about the repetition thing either, but it was the requirement for the prompt I chose. I tried to make it work so it held meaning instead of being boringly repetitious. Appreciate you reading.

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Marty B
00:31 Mar 24, 2023

Great story, Dale's optimism would be hard to handle for anyone, particularly for the MC who seems to be a perfectionist and blames herself for the terrible loss. She needs a listener not an adamant talker.

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Hope Linter
02:25 Mar 23, 2023

This is touching and sad, and does a good job of exploring how one feels when only their idealized self is being loved. Ironic the guy was ready to allow his kids to make their own choices.

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Amanda Lieser
03:25 Mar 10, 2023

Hey Wally, I read through some of the other comments that the writers in our community have added, and I have to say that I agree with all of them you did an incredible job of writing about a very serious and challenging topic and I agree with a lot of the other writers that the use of your repeated sentence was really intriguing. I thought the way that you depicted this pain and grief did so in a way that provided justice for these issues and I know for a lot of couples, the inability to conceive can be their downfall. My heart aches for al...

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Wally Schmidt
16:23 Mar 10, 2023

Hi Amanda, Thank you for your blush-worthy comment. It means so much to me, as a someone who is trying to figure out the short story form, and is reticient to put my attempts out there in public. When I wrote the story I tried to think of some of the most triggering things in a person's life and came up with some obvious choices-the loss of a friend and a pregnancy and the unravelling of a relationship. I wanted to focus on the fact that while most of us 'bounce back', some of us do not, Thank you for sharing your thoughts Amanda! It reall...

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Story Time
17:53 Mar 07, 2023

I thought this was such a smart use of the prompt. It created this insistence that resonated throughout. Great job.

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Wally Schmidt
05:31 Mar 11, 2023

Thanks so much for reading Kevin. I appreciate your comments

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Philip Ebuluofor
16:03 Mar 06, 2023

Congrats.

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Wally Schmidt
16:53 Mar 11, 2023

Thanks!

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Philip Ebuluofor
11:47 Mar 13, 2023

Welcome.

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Julie Ward
21:28 Mar 05, 2023

What a story, Wally! t turns so gently at the beginning, then suddenly we're headed straight for the falls and the rocks below. Wow. With each repetition of "Dale was adamant," I felt the weight that he was piling onto Maddie getting heavier and heavier, adding to her exhaustion, her grief, her hopelessness. Leaving her alone with all of it. There's so much "if only" in between those two last lines. Just devastating.

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Wally Schmidt
04:02 Mar 06, 2023

Julie- so appreciate your analysis of the story. I was trying to go from light to dark in this story to reflect many true life stories. The 'if onlys" that you mentioned are the glimmer of hope that did not see the light of day in this story, but hopefully will in future stories. Thank you so much for reading.

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Jane Andrews
06:45 Mar 04, 2023

Wally, this was so worthy of being shortlisted. Other people have probably already commented on everything I want to say about this one - the excellent use of structure in the way the key sentence subtly shifts in meaning with each repetition; the masterful way Dale’s vision of perfection is contrasted with Maddie’s reality; the beautiful use of language; the final killer sentence… Thanks for writing and posting.

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Wally Schmidt
17:39 Mar 04, 2023

Jane I so appreciate your support and comment as I am 'new to the game' and can use all the feedback I can get.

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Richard E. Gower
23:09 Mar 03, 2023

Congratulations. Well deserved. A powerful and beautifully-crafted story that zig-zags back and forth between the narrator's observation of her husband's cloistered vision and her slowly declining emotional state. Although I knew that something serious was going to happen because of the way you so deftly steered us (well steered me, anyway) toward it, that last line snuck up and thwocked me behind the ear with a rubber truncheon.

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Wally Schmidt
17:42 Mar 04, 2023

I love a good thowock meself Richard. Check out The Cancer Patient if you want another...

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Richard E. Gower
21:47 Mar 04, 2023

I'll check it out....:-)

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Susan Catucci
16:52 Mar 03, 2023

A sobering read, Wally. Squeezes the heart and doesn't loosen the grip until long after the last word. This prompt had me running for the hills but you made it seem right, effortless, fitting - a dazzling achievement. Congratulations on a beautiful piece.

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Wally Schmidt
19:44 Mar 03, 2023

Thank you and congratulations back at you! We are in good company.

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Susan Catucci
20:16 Mar 03, 2023

Indeed. It's a good day.

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