Grandma Goddess

I woke with a feeling of dread. It was April Fools Day. The worst day of the year. I carefully turned my eyes to the mirror I had nearby and groaned. This year my head had gone invisible. It was always a toss up whether it was my head or body. I heard a screech from down the hall and knew that my sister much have had her body vanished. I don’t mind being jut a head so much, people never actually believe that I am real and just tend to ignore me. But when its just my body, I tend to find myself getting in trouble with people who think that I am just hiding from them. 

Most people don’t have these problems.

Most people weren’t the adopted grandchild of Laverna. You’d think the adopted part would protect us, but oh no, she loves April Fools because she can trick and cheat whoever she wants and laugh saying “April Fools.” She always thrusts her powers on me and my sister so that she can do more. Its more than just the vanishing part, one of us gets her “gilded tongue.” Grandma thinks it makes the day more challenging if people don’t believe her just because of it.

With a sigh, I will my head to float up. I always feel like I have a body on these days, but there isn’t anything there, so I couldn't’ dress if I wanted to. It was on my 19th birthday that Grandma finally told me how to disconnect from my “body” and float where I willed. I turned to see that my door was shut. “You are open.” I told it. I blinked and then the door was open as if it had been that way all along. Relief filled me, it was hard being the head when you didn’t have gilded tongue.

When I was little me and my sister used to stare at the door for as long as we could, or try to stagger our blinks. But we never actually got to see it move. It just always waited until we weren’t looking for even that one second.

“JASMINE!” My sister Jessica screeched as her body came pummelling into my room. “What am I going to do! Fred wants to go on a date today. TODAY. I can’t do like this!” Her voice came from her neck, which was rounded as though she were a mannequin. 

“Why did you decide to make a date today?”

“I didn’t! He insisted!”

“You’ll have to tell him eventually, you’ve been dating for what... 3 years now?”

We both fell silent. And I suddenly realised why Fred insisted on today. He knew it was a very important day for my family. He must have wanted to memorialise his proposal. But I wasn’t going to tell her that and make her freak out even more.

“I’ll have to tell him I’m sick.” She mumbled.

“You’ll have to. Or...”

“Or?” If she had a face, I knew her eyes would be filled with hope.

“You tell him the truth. Invite him over. Let him see us. Let him meet Grandma.” She didn’t respond but after a moment she turned and left the room. I let out a sigh and floated into the hallway to try and find Grandma. 

It didn’t take long, she was still in the kitchen making us dinner. Yes. Dinner. A family tradition for this day of weird. Speaking of weird, I knew that if Fred did come over, he would have a hard time connecting this woman to being our Grandma. She looked to be no older than 25 with long brown hair and striking blue eyes. It had taken me years to really come to terms that I could never match up to the beauty of a literal god.  I cleared my throat to get her attention.

“Oh...” she said as she saw me, then she burst out laughing, clutching the counter to hold herself up. I knew she wanted me to say something, could feel it in the air around us. But I kept my lips sealed. Finally she pattered off and frowned. “You are no fun. What’s she gonna do?” I didn’t know, so I just waited and watched her, frowning as she stirred sugar into the food. “Oh don’t make that face, you know I don’t get a choice about who gets which end of that.”

“That’s not why I’m frowning. Why are you putting sugar into the Dinner?”

She turned and looked affronted. “Have I ever made a prank meal for you before?”

“No...” I couldn’t remember at least, she had raised us since I was 3.

“Exactly ...” Whatever she was going to say next was interrupted by my sister bursting through the kitchen door.

After a moment’s pause, “He’s coming over for Dinner.”

I couldn’t believe it. “You mean dinner dinner, or like now dinner?”

“Now dinner.” She said, crossing her arms. “I just want this out of the way. And no gilded tongue Jasmine.”

“I won’t say a word.”

Before any of us could react, the doorbell rang. “That was fast.” Grandma muttered.

We both just stared at her until she finally nodded, put down her spatula and went to the door. Jessica was visibly vibrating with nervous energy and I wished I could give her hug. Part of me was tempted to tell her a lie so that she would get through the day easier, but I knew she wouldn’t want that, so instead I bumped my forehead against her shoulder.

“Better Prepare yourself Girls!” Grandma called out, and I suddenly remembered that before he noticed Jessica didn’t have a head, he would probably be distracted by the fact that I didn’t have a body. I quickly flew to the corner of the room. Seconds later, a cackling Grandma turned the corner holding a box of pizza. “April Fools my chickadees.”

“Why... is there Pizza?” I asked, my eyes turning to whatever she had been cooking on the stove. 

“Ahhh. There is no pizza.” She said, tossing the box to the side.

“Then... why do you have a pizza box?” Jessica added.

“Some poor boy seemed to think it made a perfect sheath for his... you know.” She wiggled a finger. For being a pretty as she was, Grandma still talked like a child sometimes. 

“Wait, did you take his box away from him? And just leave him outside?” Jessica said, turning over the pizza box to see a depressingly small hole in the center. 

“Yep.”

“No! You call the cops on creeps like this.” Jessica screeched. She reached for the phone but before she could do anything the door rang again and Grandma skipped off. 

“He’s here~~” Grandma called out moments later and Jessica and I both froze. This was it, the moment. Grandma came first, winked at us both then snapped her fingers. I fell to the floor in a heap and Jessica started crying. “Only for an hour.” She smiled, grabbed the pizza box and turned to go.

“Oh, I’m coming with you. Who knows what you will get up to with your gilded tongue back.”

“Me?”

“You.” 

“I suppose if you must,” She held out her elbow and the two of us passed Fred as he entered the kitchen. 

“Were you always planning on making her normal again for this?” Grandma smiled mischievously without answering and opened the door. There, crouched in our bushes with a passed out boy. Grandma threw the pizza box on top of him.

“Let’s call the cops on him.” She said as she closed the door.

“Fred, we have to talk...” Were the last words we heard from Jessica before the door quietly closed and Grandma and I went off to create some havoc.