251 comments

Suspense Thriller

Second part of My mistake. Feedback please!


"No." I whisper. "No, no, no, no."

I didn't mean to. I swear, I didn't. It was an accident. Can killing someone be an accident?

I drop to the ground next to his body, but I’m too afraid to touch him.

He lays facedown on the ground, the blood-soaked glass still in his stomach. He's dead, I already know that. The blood is bright against his green shirt.

My stomach churns, and I back away, suddenly not wanting to be anywhere near him.

Then I hear a voice from outside.

“Ryan? Are you in here?” Someone calls.

It’s Brandon.

I stagger to my feet, but slip, hitting the ground hard. I nearly throw up when I see the puddle of blood I’m sitting in. I push myself up, and run towards one of the dark hallways. I slip into the shadows as the door creaks open. 

I hear a scream, then feet pounding on the floor. 

“No!”

I bite my lip to keep from crying, and run down the hallway, and into one of the rooms. A rough, loud voice in my head screams one word over and over.

MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER.

I clutch my head, but jerk my fingers away quickly, my eyes widening. They’re wet and sticky, and I already know it’s blood. Ryan’s blood. I close my eyes, and take a deep breath. 

This voice is right. I just killed my best friend. Because he didn’t love me. 

MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER.

What is wrong with me?

The room I’m in has big windows with long curtains. It’s empty otherwise. 

MURDERER. YOU KILLED HIM. FOR NO REASON. 

I did. I’m so, so stupid. 

NOW ALL YOU’LL EVER BE IS A MURDERER. 

“Shut up.” I snap.

I have to leave. I’ll get caught. Brandon will know it’s me. 

NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. YOU SHOULD JUST-

“I said, shut up!” I yell. 

Great. Now I’m talking to a voice in my head. I’m really going crazy. 

What do I do? I don’t want to go to jail. But hiding will just make it worse. Right?

I hear footsteps coming down the hallway.

“Who’s there?” Brandon demands, choking on tears. “Who killed him?” 

I hold my breath, backing farther into the room. 

“Blake? Is it you?” He shouts. He sounds close. “If it was, I swear I’ll kill you.”

What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

“Where are you? I heard you. You can’t hide forever.” He yells.

I freeze as he walks into the room. So does he. His face, which is wet from tears, hardens, and he snarls at me.

I’m not going to go to jail. Not without a fight.

I watch him as he walks closer. I put my hands up to show I’m unarmed, and he lunges at me. I move to the side, and he tumbles to the ground. I nearly laugh at how easy that was, but decide that since I’m still in danger, to wait until I’m safe.

I run out the door, and down the hallway. I can hear him coming after me.

I turn the corner. There are three different hallways. The one in the middle has a set of stairs. I take the stairs.

I run up them, ignoring the pain in my legs. This is a ridiculously long set of stairs. When I finally reach the next flight, I turn to see if Brandon is behind me. 

He is.

I look around the story I’m on. There are lots of long ropes, like the ones they had in the gym at school. They all lead to the ceiling, where there’s another landing. 

I can hear him coming closer. Making a split second decision, I grab onto one of the ropes, and start climbing. Let's hope P.E was good for something.

When I’m about halfway up, the rope starts to wobble. I look down, and see Brandon shaking it hard.

Joke's on him. This happened all the time in school. 

I keep climbing. When I look down again, I see he’s climbing up a different one.  

I reach the top, and pull myself up. My whole body aches, but I manage to stand, and look around. The ground is dusty, and there are tools lying around. In the center, there is a tall metal box. There might be something I can use to stop him from...whatever he’s going to do. 

MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER.

I wince. I thought that was gone.  

I pry open the box, and freeze. There are a bunch of different weapons sitting inside of it. Why are these here?

WHAT’RE YOU GOING TO DO? KILL HIM TOO?

No. Of course not. I can’t.

But that is a good question. I’m not sure what I’ll do. Even if I get away, he’ll just tell the police. 

I step away from the box, worried about what I’ll do if I have one of the weapons in there. My head snaps up when I hear him. He got up here faster than I did. 

“Stop running.” He yells, walking towards me. “It’s pointless.”

I back away, but hit the box. I glance inside. A short dagger sits on the top of the pile. I pick it up, but just if I have to use self-defense. Only self defense.

“Why don’t you like me?” I ask him. Yeah, I’m stalling. I still don’t know what else to do.

He snorts. “Other than the fact that you just killed my fiance?”

“Yes?”

“Well, it’s because you loved him.”

I blink. “Seriously? That’s it?”

“I thought that he’d leave me for you.” He mutters, looking away. “But no need to worry about that now, is there?”

That makes me laugh. “You shouldn’t have been worried about that.”

“Oh, really?” 

“He...told me he didn’t love me. Just you.”

I spit the last word, understanding the jealousy he must feel. 

He frowns. “And how would you know?”

I might as well tell him what happened. He can’t hate me any more than he already does.

“Well, about five minutes before you came, I kissed him.”

He freezes. “I don’t believe you.”

“You don’t have to. But Ryan did want you to know that he kissed me back.” I say with a smile.

He’s silent. Then he laughs. It sounds very forced. “Why would he? You just said he didn't like you.”

“Okay. Don’t believe me. I don’t care.” I shrug. “But how would I know that he tasted like strawberries?”

A second later, something flies at my head. I duck, then turn to see what it was. 

“A hammer? Really-”

I get tackled, and nearly impale myself with the dagger on the way down. I kick at Brandon, but he’s stronger than me, and pushes his knee into my back.

I smile. “So you do believe me?”

“Shut up!” He growls. “Just shut up!”

I’m scared out of my mind, but I try not to show it. “Are you going to kill me?”

“No. I won’t sink to your lousy level.” He mutters.

“Great.” I mutter. 

YOU SHOULD JUST KILL HIM. HE KNOWS TOO MUCH ALREADY.

Should I? I don’t know what to do.

“You know, Ryan never would’ve loved you.” He says with a laugh.

I frown. What is he doing? Doesn’t he think I know that already?

“You say he kissed you back? It was probably out of pity.”

Is he trying to make me mad? Seriously?

“He never even cared about you.”

If he is, it’s working. 

Somehow, I end up over him, the dagger at his throat. He’s pale, and looks terrified. He tries to push my wrist away, but somehow, I’m stronger.

YES. KILL HIM. HE DESERVES IT.

“Are you going to kill me?” He asks when I do nothing, a smug look on his face. 

I stay silent. Am I? Could I?

“You wonder why he didn’t love you?” He asks me. “Because he knew that you’re nothing but a-”

I press the blade to his throat, and he stops talking. 

DO IT! NOW!

“You want to know something?” I whisper. 

He doesn’t answer. He’s scared again.

“The last thing Ryan said was that he loved me.” I say. Not a total lie. I just didn’t give him time to finish.

He tries to kick me, but I push the dagger on his skin. “Why would I believe you?”

KILL HIM. NOBODY WOULD EVER KNOW IT WAS YOU.

“You don’t have to.”

“You won’t kill me.” Brandon says. He’s awfully confident. “You wouldn’t.”

“Shut up.” I snap.

He laughs. I decide I hate his laugh. “You’re too afraid-”

I shove the knife through his throat. His eyes widen, and his hand goes to his neck. Blood pours out of him, and I step away.

“No. No, no, no!” I cry. 

What is wrong with me? I didn't want this!

I drop to my knees beside Brandons dying body, a laugh escaping. I’m safe, aren’t I? I laugh, tears falling down my face. This is so messed up. Why is this happening? 

TOO LATE TO CHANGE IT NOW. YOU BETTER GET OUT OF THERE.

I stand up, and walk away from him. If I keep listening to this stupid voice, this won’t be the last person I kill.

MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER.





November 30, 2020 22:05

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

251 comments

Marcail Nevaeh
23:17 Dec 04, 2020

Also is my name the cy ty on your bio? Because i changed my name to lord Hunkyhair

Reply

Ari Berri
00:28 Dec 05, 2020

Oh wow, yeah, I'll change it, sorry.

Reply

Marcail Nevaeh
18:02 Dec 05, 2020

It’s all good!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Marcail Nevaeh
23:16 Dec 04, 2020

Series of unfortunate events, your name

Reply

Ari Berri
00:27 Dec 05, 2020

You got it.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Makia Long
03:27 Dec 04, 2020

This story was great! I'll have to read part one now, this plot is so intriguing! Thank you for the positive feedback on my story :) Keep writing!

Reply

Ari Berri
16:24 Dec 04, 2020

Thank you!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
William Liu
01:42 Dec 04, 2020

Very long bio

Reply

Ari Berri
16:24 Dec 04, 2020

Very true.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
R L Brewer
05:09 Dec 03, 2020

This is great. Very suspenseful. Thanks for reading my stories. I appreciate it.

Reply

Ari Berri
16:20 Dec 03, 2020

Thank you! Also, no problem. You're a good author!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
05:43 Dec 02, 2020

What’s up peeps! I’ve written my first mystery and submitted it for this week’s contest. I’m looking for honest feedback. I’ll admit I’m kinda nervous. I had a few ideas but not enough space to put everything in this short story. Your opinions matter to me and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read my work. If you have something you’d like me to read please reply back and I’ll check it out. Robert

Reply

Ari Berri
15:28 Dec 02, 2020

I'll check it out!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Claudia Morgan
17:17 Dec 01, 2020

:0 Yup, just as amazing as the first! Just a teeny nitpick "Jokes on him. This happened all the time in school. " There should probably be an apostrophe there; "Joke's on him. This happened all the time in school. " Other than that; please do make a third part! I'm sure you already know what it'll be but could I take a guess on which prompt it'll be under? "Write about a character who everyone thinks is guilty of something terrible, but isn't."?

Reply

Ari Berri
17:57 Dec 01, 2020

Thank you! I'll fix it. I'll try to do a third one, and it might be under that one. Glad you liked it!

Reply

Claudia Morgan
18:40 Dec 01, 2020

Yay! I'll be waiting

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Ari Berri
23:04 Dec 16, 2020

The third part is done!

Reply

Claudia Morgan
09:16 Dec 17, 2020

OMG YAY!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Claudia Morgan
09:16 Dec 17, 2020

OMG YAY!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Claudia Morgan
09:16 Dec 17, 2020

OMG YAY!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 10 replies
Show 2 replies
Amel Parvez
08:20 Dec 01, 2020

You write beautifully. Really, while reading yr story I just couldn't decide what to do; to laugh out or to be sad for Brandon. But yes isn't the narrator a bit reckless? Anyways, I enjoyed it.

Reply

Ari Berri
14:49 Dec 01, 2020

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply

Awesome story!! The suspense building is amazing. The title also ties in very nicely; I like how it's so simple, yet works very well. Also, thank you so much for putting me on your list of recommended writers! It really means a lot! Also, go check out Ella S if you want some super awesome stories. https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/1c4336/ Her's are even better than mine

Reply

Ari Berri
22:11 Jan 13, 2021

Thank you! No problem, your stories are awesome! I'll check her out now.

Reply

Ari Berri
00:52 Jan 14, 2021

No problem.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Unknown User
19:14 Dec 16, 2020

<removed by user>

Reply

Ari Berri
19:17 Dec 16, 2020

I'm glad you liked it! I'm working on the third part now.

Reply

Unknown User
19:19 Dec 16, 2020

<removed by user>

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Radhika Diksha
17:16 Dec 14, 2020

Hey, I would love your feedback on some of my stories too. Can I say you something?

Reply

Ari Berri
17:19 Dec 14, 2020

Of course.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
. .
16:07 Dec 08, 2020

OMG YOU'VE READ THE SELECTION??????

Reply

Ari Berri
16:12 Dec 08, 2020

It was suggested, so I got the books friday, and read them over the weekend. I haven't read The Crown yet.

Reply

. .
16:12 Dec 08, 2020

They're so awesome!!!!!

Reply

Ari Berri
16:16 Dec 08, 2020

Who are your favorite charaters?

Reply

. .
16:16 Dec 08, 2020

America, duh, but I also really like the Queen so sad that she died.

Reply

Ari Berri
16:22 Dec 08, 2020

Same, it was really sad. I also liked Aspen and Marlee.

Reply

Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply

CONTINUE!!!!!!! CONTINUE!!!!! YOU DID SOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!! CONTINUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

Ari Berri
16:19 Dec 03, 2020

I'll have to see. Glad you liked it!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Ari Berri
23:05 Dec 16, 2020

The third part is done!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 2 replies
RBE | We made a writing app for you (photo) | 2023-02

We made a writing app for you

Yes, you! Write. Format. Export for ebook and print. 100% free, always.