If Only

I knew I had to make it stop. I closed my eyes, breathed in slowly, held it for a short time, and then released it just as slow. Out of instinct alone, I reached for the still cold ground. My hand thrust through the soil and I felt the roots. I started combing them with my fingers. The cicadas yawned from too much sleep and began to sing their song.

I opened my eyes and watched them climb up the old oak tree. The one that grew the tallest at the center of the land. ( I don't remember a time when it wasn't there.) I sat on the ground listening to them sing. I usually only hear it at night when they sing me to sleep. I closed my eyes again to speak to the spirit. Breathe. The electric blue clouds come first, then the high pitch tone, and at last, the sound of cicada comes. Since it happened, I hear them when I'm still and I close my eyes. Even when they are asleep in the roots of the trees.

My cold sweet prince woke me from my sleep. He's already left and it's my turn. I know I'll see him again, but it's not enough for me. One of us is always dying. I came to the forest because I couldn't be without him. Now I get to see him, but he always seems to be just out of reach.

I've been trying to remember how it happened. All I remember is that it used to happen without me. The cicada sound is soothing. I'm drawn to the same path in the woods. Walking slowly through the twists and turns. All the while, shaded by the trees. All of the tree branches holding hands above my head, as I can never do with him. The path looks worn to the width of my feet. What if I have been here forever? As it always does and will again, when I reach the end of this path my life ends. It happens when I feel the warmth of the sun on my face.

My cicadas are singing, but it's only in my head. I walked past them some time ago. I take some comfort in the creek that runs across my path. Cool, wet feet are soothing. One day, someone will come and I'll welcome them with open arms. These are things that are known in secret; We are in the forest with intent, this is happening, and one day we will finish.

I have company these days. My hawk friend Frederick flies through here every day catching mice along the way. Mr. and Mrs. Cardinal stop by to say hello sometimes. The squirrels think they're funny. They like to throw acorns thru me. The raccoon takes up for me when they can, but I can't expect people to drop their everyday lives just for me, even furry lives. The deer are always careful not to be noticed. Quiet peaceful and solitary. I feel for them the most.

I noticed this young couple walking in the woods. That's when I heard them giggling and making sweet little promises to each other. I sent them a warm Spring breeze and lit up the flowers for them. Breathe. An old couple sits on a log, remembering the promises they managed to keep with each other. I sent them a strong whiff of lavender. They're kind of my favorite because they come here a lot.

What follows is my confession. I can see it as it happened now. When he ran away, I followed him into the woods. I remember it was cold. Blas froze to death that night. It was me. He only left because I told him that's what I would do. I couldn't leave him there, so I stayed. I tried to hold him to warm him up. I blew warm air in his face. I just kept breathing for the both of us.

In the forest, with only him, I wished for the sun to come out and bring him back. Life-giving light please come. When the sun was finally overhead and peaking through the trees, I knew it wasn't enough. I was just a child myself and had never met death before. So I wished even harder. The next thing I knew, I was walking my path through the woods. This is the way it's been ever since; My frozen prince wakes me and fades before my eyes, I wake the forest and walk the path. Always at the edge of the forest, the sun touches my face and I die.

Until I realized, this day will last forever. I have to let him go and release us both. I spent time as Spring wishing that I was just a person. And time as a person wishing I was more. I have to fix this. It's easy to get lost in the woods.

I didn't know what was going to happen next. I've never gotten this far before. I hope he forgives me but, even if he doesn't I still need to look into his eyes just one more time. I know this will put us in front of each other face to face. I need this to happen, even if it's for the last time.

I'm finally not afraid. When I stepped out of the forest and felt the sun on my face, for the first time in forever, I did not die. I felt his warm hand in mine as we walked away together. We were set free. Not being alive any more is a small price to pay. I didn't leave him and he never left me. When we come back to the forest again we'll just be sitting on a log together, remembering. It's not like it was when we were young and walking and giggling together. But, it's my favorite time with him. The great changes have come and gone and the mistakes are behind us. Spring and Winter are returned to their rightful owners, and no one will ever know what happened here.