A Marriage Dilemma

Author note: First of all, this story has nothing to do with the prompt above. If you were hoping for a story about "someone who critiques everything or acts like it," I'm sorry, but that's not what you're about to read. This story you are about to read is a comedy piece I had to write for an assignment. Before you begin reading, please understand that the assignment was to write a story that somehow included Doritos, and whoever wrote the best story got a party size bag of Doritos.

And guess who won? ME! Yay!

Yes, I will admit, it is a very stupid, very silly story, but some of the stupidest and silliest stories are the best stories.

Please enjoy folks :)

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It had been a bright, sunny day on the day of the wedding. Golden rays of sunlight had sparkled over the lake, a light breeze had rocked the trees, and a rainbow of flowers were in perfect bloom.

Everything had been perfect, and happy too. The angelic sound of violin bows gliding against their strings echoed through the park, the light hum of the liveliness in the air coming in perfect unison with the music. Guests dressed in pastel silks and flowy satins buzzed with energy, impatiently waiting for the festival to begin.

“Whatever is taking so long?” said one guest.

“When does this thing start?” said another. 

“Yeah, where’s the champagne already?” exclaimed someone else.

Suddenly, to all the guests' relief, the light sound of the violins began to deepen, and the priest-who had mysteriously appeared from who knows where-cleared his voice.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the ceremony is about to commence. Please, find your seats.”

The crowd bustled rather quickly to their seats, exchanging a few ‘finally's’ and ‘let’s go’s, before silence.

Then, with a snap of the conductor’s baton, the music cued, and the ceremony began.

First, the grandparents of the bride walked down the aisle, hand in hand, tears in their eyes. They were followed by the bride’s mother, who had even more tears in her eyes, as if she was on the verge of sobbing. Everyone ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ when the groom made his way down, looking particularly handsome in a black tuxedo topped off with a tiny little bow tie, but no one ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ more than for the bride.

She looked so gorgeous! Dressed in a flowing, white-as-snow dress, with a bouquet of dusty pink tulips, she walked down the aisle slowly, every step noted by a click of her high heel. The sound of cries from the guests resonated through the park, marking the day their beloved girl would be married.

What a happy, happy day.

“Good afternoon. We are gathered here today to celebrate holy matrimony with Todd,” The priest motioned toward the groom. “And Mary,” he gestured toward the bride, before returning to face the guests. “Now, before we begin, if anyone objects to this marriage, please state now, or forever hold your peace.”

Silence filled the air, but didn't stop the groom from chewing on his lip anxiously, probably a result of wedding nerves. 

The priest flashed a kind smile. “Good, now let us continue-” 

“Wait!” All eyes spun to focus on the groom, whose hands trembled uncontrollably, and whose eyes stared at his quite shiny shoes, as if he’d found a spot that had not been shined properly. 

The priest stared at the groom. “Is there something you would like to add, Todd?”

“Uh, yeah…” The groom shifted from foot to foot. “I-I have a confession to make.”

The bride’s eyes widened, her face wrinkling with worry. “Todd?” 

The groom’s face paled. “Mary…I don’t like-I don’t like-” 

“Say it already!” One of the guests groaned. 

“Yeah, come out with it!” Another one cried out.

“I need champagne!” Someone else exclaimed. 

“I-” The groom’s voice trembled. 

“Just say it, Todd!” The bride screamed impatiently.

“I don’t like Doritos!” 

The crowd gasped. 

“What…What do you mean you don’t like Doritos!” The bride huffed, her voice quivering, her tongue tripping over her own words. 

The groom gulped. “I…I don’t like Doritos, Mary. I…I…I hate them.” 

Another breathy gasp from the crowd. 

“How could you say that, Todd!” 

The groom’s body quaked. “I…I dunno, it’s just-”

“Our whole wedding is literally Doritos themed!” The bride screamed angrily. 

The groom flinched, before forcing his eyes to wander around the park, forcing himself to see the Doritos cake, the Doritos food, the little, orange, “just married!” buggy that represented the precious nacho cheese Doritos, all of it.

Sweat beads began to form on his brow. “I…I know. But-But they’re just so…so…cheesy!” 

The crowd screamed in horror. 

“How could he say such a thing!” One yelled in a fit of anguish.

“How rude!” Another one huffed. 

“I still want my champagne!” Someone else sobbed. 

“Todd!” The bride hissed, a hand to her mouth in complete shock. “How could you!” 

A tear slipped down the groom’s pale face. “I’m…I’m sorry, Mary-” 

“No!” The bride retorted, her face a dark red, her eyes bulging with tears. “We’re done, Todd!” 

“Mary!” The groom cried. “Cm'on, don’t be rash!” 

The bride did act rash, for there is no other way to act when the love of your life tells you he doesn’t like Doritos. In a fit of rage, Mary ripped the sparkling engagement ring off her finger, and hurled it off, off, off and away with all her might. 

“Goodbye, Todd!” 

“Mary, wait-” The groom sobbed, his hand stretching out for hers. 

But he was too late.

Todd watched as Mary drove away in the orange buggy, feeling all the feelings a marriage ruined man would feel. “Goodbye Mary.” 

From then on, the town looked down upon Todd, and he lived his life a lonely and depressing one. 

Mary however, although she never married, became the CEO of the Doritos company and grew wealthy. 

Who do you think made the smartest decision?