Credits 🎬🍿

EXT. THE CABIN. STILL NIGHT LIKE THE REST OF THE MOVIE. MIKE DUCHESS covered in sweat and other people’s blood limps through the woods towards the doorway. 

INT. THE CABIN. MIKE DUCHESS limps into the living room leaving a blood trail behind him. He walks up to his favourite armchair and sits down with a slump.

With his breathing becoming slower and strained MIKE pulls something out of the top pocket of his jacket. It was his favourite faded family photo of his ex wife next to the love of his life, his goldfish Dotty. 

MIKE (struggling to breathe)

I did what I promised old girl. They’re all dead. Yep, single-handedly offed them all. But one of them got in a cheap shot. 

MIKE winces as blood spurts out of his wound. He realises this may be one fight he’s not going to survive.

I think this is it Dotty. I feel numb… my legs are so cold… look out old girl I’m coming to join you. Can’t wait to see…

MIKE is now lifeless, staring blankly at his photo of Dotty until it falls onto the floor of the cabin. 

SFX OF A FISH TANK PLAYS SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND

FADE SLOWLY TO BLACK

END TITLES.

———

Oh thank god for that! What a pile of shit that was. Why does he keep making these types of movies? Every one of them the same but slightly worse each time. I mean at least he’s getting hired. I haven’t even had an audition in the last six months. Except for corpse number three in MI Nine to Five. I think I nailed it, I practiced holding my breath and got up to three minutes. They congratulated me on getting a personal best in the read through but said I had too much life and character to be a believable corpse. Still not sure if that was a compliment or not.

My bum has gone numb. Not sure how I’m going to get out of this seat. I sank into the excessively squishy seat when the film started half a lifetime ago and my body switched off long before my brain did. Two and a half hours of my life for that. Who gets revenge for their goldfish? He never seems to reload any of his guns. At least I didn’t pay for it. Oh god he’s looking at me. Almost forgot he was here as well. Wake up Melissa! He’s the reason you’re sat in this screening room, remember? 

Why aren’t the lights up yet? Do we have to sit through the entire credits? Unlikely to have a post credits thingy, unless he’s coming back to life? Yeah, that’s the kind of crap this movie would pull and make the rest of the ending pointless. Hey fishy I’m coming to see yer! Let me clean out your tank… oopsy I’m not fully dead yet so maybe see you at the end of the next sequel. Load of crap.

Maybe if I keep staring at the screen he’ll stop looking at me. What do I say? Why do I do this to myself? I suppose he’s nice to me most of the time. God, these credits are long! I try to be supportive but whenever I do something I want him to be supportive about, he’s not interested. My friends have been telling me he’s not right for me. At this point I think he’s gaslit me so much you could use me as a lamp. But this industry is so tough and being with him, however hard he makes it sometimes, has opened doors in the past.

What the fuck is a key grip anyway? I’ve been on enough sets but I still don’t know. After a movie this shit I’d be embarrassed to be part of this list. That’s a lot of turd polishers. Maybe I should help him choose his scripts from now on? Would he like that? I know I need to avoid watching another lousy movie. Early on in his career his choices and performances were exciting and award worthy. I remember meeting him on the set of the first “Death Comes To Us All” movie and we clicked straight away. I was only in a few scenes as a waitress but I had some amazing lines like, “I guess you’ll be needing that milkshake to go?” and “Bullets are not on the menu!” 

After my last scene he walked up to me, said how great my performance was and invited me back to his trailer. I didn’t really want to but it’s always about who you know, right? Ten minutes later we’re having sex in his huge motorhome, which is ironic considering the size of his own fleshy firearm. Maybe that’s harsh but he gets a body double for all his sex scenes because he thinks the audience expect a larger weapon dangling between his legs. He then wears a green leotard to have his face added in post production. I visited him on set one of those days. I heard the crew sniggering at his tiny mound visible through the skin tight Lycra. “The big prick has a tiny one. Hehe! Looks like Kermit with a hard-on.”

How many special effects people on this movie? It had a special effect on me alright, feeling nauseous. How many pets does Mike Duchess have? He’s got revenge for his dog, cat, budgie, hamster and now fish. What next? His giant talking dinosaur Deano. Oh god! Don’t joke Melissa, if you even mention it to him it will become his idea, like all your other jokey comments, and end up in a two hour snore fest you’ll have to sit through two years later. At least Covid gave me an extra year of grace before this screening but I had to put up with a sulking man-child in his jim jams all day.

Anyway, we got together soon after the first “Death…” and when the movie came out a year later it was a huge hit and made him an overnight star. He signed a nine picture deal to make mostly sequels and I got a respectable set of bit parts in TV shows. Thus far it’s worked out nicely, he’s mostly on set during the week and I get to stay in his huge mansion looking after our dogs, McClane and Bullitt. I’ve thought about setting up a dog walking company but he’s laughed in my face and told me it was a stupid idea each time I’ve mentioned it. Maybe if this one bombs I can use that to my advantage and get him to say yes this time?

Finally, the soundtrack listings! Not long now. This movie was terrible and it is the fifth sequel, maybe it will bomb? Yes, hang in there Melissa. But what if it makes a billion like the last one? I know! I should start trying to subtly get him to make some weirder movie choices. Yeah, making sure he thinks it’s his idea because he loves to be right. Then one of those will hopefully tank and I can convince him to let me do what’s right for me! Or I could leave him? No, not until the wedding… which has been delayed five times in five years. Am I kidding myself?

Filming locations are a sure sign we’re near the end of these credits and we can leave. Oh he’s looking at me again. Keep it together, Melissa. Just act like your life depends on it! You lie for a living and you’re a much better actor than this guy so do it! He’s leaning in to whisper something. Oh fuck!

“So… what did you think?”

Do…not…say…it…sucks!

“Oh it’s soooooo wow… well… you’ve done it again!”

Good Melissa, keep going!

“That errr scene where you killed those guys with those swans was genius!”

He’s smiling. Great he’s happy. Good, will be a quiet night tonight. No drama. Oh he’s leaning in again, I wish he brushed his teeth more. Smells like hot shit.

“Yeah we got into so much trouble with the bird people for not using animatronic swans for that but the birds seemed to like it. And only one of ‘em died afterwards. Plenty more birds in the lake, am I right?”

Jesus! What a piece of shit! Oh god I need to get out of here before I explode. He knows how much I love swans, probably why he put them in the movie in the first place. His imagination is so linear and based on whatever he heard that day. His smile has dropped, he can tell something’s off. Maybe I can rescue this if only… shit I was right… post credits scene.

———

EXT. GATES OF HEAVEN. MIKE DUCHESS covered in sweat and other peoples blood limps towards the shiny pearly gates where someone is waiting there. At first we only see the mystery person’s sandals but as it pans up we discover it’s GOD.

MIKE (in shock)

Is it really you? 

GOD rolls his eyes at MIKE and responds with their booming manly voice as if Barry White had fucked The Rock and somehow had an omnipotent baby.

GOD

Oh quit that nonsense, Duchess! You’re not done yet. I can’t let you in… I have a job for you!

MIKE (still in shock)

Really? Anything for you my Lord.

GOD looks down at MIKE and fires a lightning bolt towards our hero covering him in bright electricity. Within seconds our hero has become super buff and is wearing a fancy toga and cape.

GOD

I want you to kill Satan!

MIKE stares up at GOD and a huge grin spreads across his face. We get a close up of our hero’s face as he utters the immortal line.

MIKE (bellows through the lens towards the excited crowds)

Hey Dotty! Its not my time after all. I have one last job to do!

“Mike Duchess will return in Death Comes To Satan”

———

“Babe, where are you going?”

THAT. IS. IT!!!