The Pirate Jig

“It’s two o’clock! Time for my eye drops!”

Aye! Aye! Captain,” I said. “What you be wantin' is just a little rest and cheery talk. Mind I be talkative is sure!”

“Just get the bottle! And don’t forget to wash your hands!”

“Alexa, how many pirates be washing their hands?”

“I don’t know that one,” that Alexa says.

It was the new bedroom furniture that I be barkin’ my shins on as I round the bed. Maple Dark, expensive wood there be, suited for any pirate’s water-logged chest, too. If I had the gold to show fer it!

“I’ll mind me hands and squirt little to there you see! Don’t move even a squiddle!”

“Just get on with it, Jack!” moaned Melanie. “I’d do it myself if I could see what I’m doing without my glasses! You’re the reason for this pink eye!”

“But me eyes are always on you!” I said. “Pink eyes are for them roustabouts who know what I’m doin’! With me fists you see?”

“Did you shake the bottle?” she asks.

“The only bottles I shake are them much bigger, when nearly empty—see? Then some ne'er-do-well who can do nothin’ but wait on tables his whole life, can get me another!

#

“Why did you come shopping with me?” asked Melanie.

“What you complaining for? You drive that thingamajig and I tell youse them stories! Who cares whatchamacallit else for me jiggering self be darned!”

“You’ve had way too much to drink. I’m embarrassed to have you with me.”

Is it true that I be a sight? Scarcely bigger than me paunch me pantaloons be drawin’ and creasing me flesh. Sinchin’ me button fly can barely get them on! Too much food, way far about me, far as the eye can see!

“What they be doin’ at this place! Offerin’ so much food then they make youse pay. No hospitality here?”

“Stop it, Jack! Or I’m going back to the car right now! I can’t remember what I am here for!”

I shut me trap. Tight as Grammie Kike on a winter-blown night when the sea dogs be yappin’ outside yer window. Too few dead rats to spare between ‘em!

#

“So, how do you feel about having a pirate under your roof?” Dr. John George asked.

“How does it make me feel! Take a wild guess! Would I be here if I was thrilled?” Melanie practically yelled. 

Two hundred and fifty dollars an hour, and as far as Melanie was concerned, we could dispense with the pleasantries and get to the point. Not that there was much point to anything after Jack showed up.

“So, I take it that you are disgruntled?”

“Yeah, and I’m here to be gruntled again. Good grief!” sighed Melanie.

“That’s not a word. You would like to be more adjusted to this situation. Anyone would tell you to just throw him out of your house? You don’t need me to tell you that!”

“Evict him. That’s a word. One you could use. Way more professional, don’t you think?”

Silence, the great equalizer. The therapist gets quiet at just the right time and you know how good they are at their jobs when they do that, almost like second nature. They probably do it with their wives! I bet the divorce rate amongst therapists is way higher than that in the general population! When is he going to talk again, thought Melanie. Never? The clock ticks by, which only he can see. Power games.

“Ever since the discovery, it's been hell!” Melanie suddenly blurted out.

“Hell, how?”

“You mean, how is it like hell for me?”

“I can prescribe tranquilizers?”

“I’m paying two hundred and fifty dollars for that?”

#

I miss the sea! If I could only go back to when the seagulls swallowed bones whole and pirates ran free! Fightin’ amongst themselves with the dogs and the salt fresh air blowin’ with the reeling of fish. The boundin’ waves slappin’ the rocks with little boats bobbing an’ swellin’ about. Men cussin’ their luck then tryin’ again…

“Jack, you need to find another place to live!”

'Tis Melanie, my darlin’ on such a beautiful day! Outside the fair colors of spring, not enough for her?

“Where to, this other place, dearest?” I say.

She sits herself down, balling her eyes out. On the floor no less! I want to hold her, but when I draw near, she gets stiff as a board, “No!” she says.

“Alexa, what we be doin’ now? Can you help me?” I ask.

“I don’t know that one,” Alexa says.

I’ll be darned if that woman knows anything! I can’t stand to see a woman cry lest she deserve sumthin’ she did. Not Melanie! Helped me, all the way from when I git here from where? How? Nothin’ makes sense but Melanie!

She stops her cryin’ and lookin’ at me. Prettiest blue eyes, wipin’ her face. Not a spot of dirt on her! Clean as a whistle she is!

“I can’t go on like this! It's too much.”

Here I’m thinkin’ its somethin’ important! “Yer right darlin’ it’s best not to keep talkin’ and actin’ this way. I’ll stop drinkin’ then. What do you think?”

“It’s not enough!”

“Well darlin’ I’ll tell you a secret. I never was a pirate. I just up and said that to impress. Been a braggart all me life! I wouldn’t hurt a hair on your beautiful head!”

She takes somethin’ white from a useless flimsy box. Get’s up and wipes her eyes, lookin’ 'round, not sure what to do.

“Alexa, play us nice dancin’ music, not too fast!”

Then I sweep her in my arms. Like Grammie Kike she is on a moonlit night when her dreams are all fulfilled. The dogs are asleep and their bellies full. As the buoys dingle in the evening swell, she smiles and we pick up the pace!

“Alexa, play a jig!”

Then I start hopping around, like when I was a lad, Melanie laughing and trying it herself.

“There’s more life in ya!” I shout.

She’s done in and we flop down. There’s no more talkin’ or explanin’ to do. Just what two people do when all is right with the world.