Dearly Beloved we are all here to celebrate this thing called life. By now you all know that I am dead and gone. If you don’t then please get up and leave because like my mama used to say, “You don’t have the sense you were born with.” So, buckle up loved ones, and I use the term loosely, because this is going to be a long bumpy ride into the last will and testament of me, Elsa Bell Harper. First of all, I have requested that my will be read on a Sunday because I know that all you church going family members will be dressed in your Sunday's best and that was the only time I got to see some of you dressed up other than holidays. I like that. So, beloved ones here it goes. Some of you will be happy and others won’t be but who cares? I am dead. (waiting for laughter from the crowd)
I, Elsa Bell Harper, being of sound mind and body leave the following to my younger sister, Sallie Mae Cornwall, my diamond bracelet, all of my shoes except the red ones with the bow, I want to be buried in those, my fur coat that is fake. I know you thought it was real but it wasn’t. Sorry to burst your bubble on that. But, hey, at least you get a coat. I also leave you all of the good China that mama gave me when she died. It is located in the basement in a box which says “paper plates” on it. I had to do it that way or you're no good son would have stolen them a long time ago. Thank you for always being by my side over the years.
I leave to my brother, Thaddeus, all of my bills. Yes, you heard right, bills. I am leaving you my bills because while I was alive I always paid yours, even your child support bill. Remember that? So, now you can return the favor and pay mine. I also leave you $40. That will get you started. My attorney has a list of the bills I want you to pay. You will notice that these aren’t actually “MY” bills but your bills. I also leave you all of my cameras. You can sell them to help pay my bills and lastly I leave you my old radio that daddy gave to me. I still loved you though in spite of you being a jerk sometimes and a pain your know where.
To my cousin, Cara, who was more like a sister to me than a cousin, I leave my house and all the furniture in it. I hope that you enjoy living in it as much as I did. In the basement you will find a new swing set for the grandkids.o Have Cousin David’s oldest boy, I forgot his name because I am old and you know how that is, put it up for you. I left $100 in a green envelope in my dresser drawer, the second one to pay him to help you. He is always looking for odd jobs. I also leave you one of my cars. You can choose which one that you want. Tell Vince, my attorney, which one you would like and the other one sell it and donate the money to charity. Vince knows the name of the charity. Also, I leave you my golf clubs and a year membership to my club, The Blue Widows. Don’t roll your eyes, Cara. I told you that I wanted you to learn golf and you didn’t do it when I was alive so now if you don’t do it when I am dead you will feel guilty not honoring your cousin and best friend’s last wishes. I gotta you girl. You know that I am laughing in heaven because I got you one last time. Also, I leave you half of the money in my savings and checking accounts which totals 5 million dollars. Don’t faint. If she faints people please help her up off the ground. We know how dramatic you are. Tell everyone the story about the millionaire one day.
To my best friend for life, June Lynn, I leave the rest of the money in my savings account and the balance of my checking. Please buy yourself something nice with it. And please don’t give your cheating husband, Henry anything. Girl, I hope that you divorce him soon. Don’t hate me but you know why I said it.
To my other brother, Kyle, I leave my photographs and my vinyl record collection. I am also leaving you all of your daddy’s clothes. I know you are thinking what am I going to do with daddy’s clothes? Well, that’s your problem now. I would suggest that you sell them or donate them. You will find them in the closet downstairs with the padlock on it. Why did I lock up Daddy’s clothes you ask? Because of your stealing cousin, Marvin Lee. Don’t sit there with your mouth open, flies will fly in it. You know that Marvin is a thief and stole Daddy’s gold watch. I also leave you $500, my Mad money in the cookie jar on the counter in the far corner in the kitchen. You can also have the cookie jar too. You’re welcome.
Moving on to Pearlie Mae Wilson, my neighbor for 20 years. I leave her my dogs, Millie and Duke. Please take care of them and love them as much as I did. I am sorry for letting Millie poop on your lawn in the front yard when I was mad at you last year. We had a good laugh about that one. And I am glad that you forgave me. I also leave you my tea set. When you have your afternoon tea remember me and have a cup for me. I am also leaving you my prize winning triple chocolate chip peanut butter cookie recipe. Pass it down to your son, the chef. I already told him that you will have it.
And last but not least I leave my only son, Demarco, cooking lessons. Boy, you need to learn how to cook because you will never get a woman if you can’t cook. You know no woman likes to eat burned food. I signed you up for cooking lessons at the cooking school . Your lessons start next week. Be there. And be the best doctor that you can be. I know that you were expecting the house but son, you have to strike out on your own now and you have to buy your own family home. I know that you will think that is harsh but I need you to do it for yourself. Don’t be upset please. In a few years you will see what I was trying to do for you. And to my future grand kids I leave a trust fund. If you don’t have any kids by the time you are 50 years old then use the money to buy a boat. I know you always wanted a boat. I will be happy that if you do buy a boat you name it after your grandma, Nina. Love you son to the moon and back.
One last thing: beloved family and friends and this is the most important thing. If I pissed you off well, you will eventually get over it and if I have made you happy you’ll get over that too. ( I got jokes) But, seriously, I would like all of you to get together one last time 6 months after my funeral and have one last party and I want you all to party like it’s 1999, like my favorite song says. I love you all and will see all of you on the other side.
RESTING IN PARADISE
“Cara, can you believe that will?” Kyle asked, shaking his head.
“Honestly, I can and I ain’t mad at her.”
“No doubt. You got the house.” Kyle laughed as they got into their cars parked side by side and drove away.