Letting Go

Time goes on, and I find myself scrolling through my photos. An irritation like a bite from a mosquito.  Twenty years and our relationship became one cupid opposed. It's been nine years since the breakup, and I can't seem to let her go. 

Days drag like a bag of laundry. I miss you despite the cruelty. Crazy because I defined loyalty. While you were fucking and lying simultaneously. 

Damn. It's been nine years, and I can't shake it off. Yet the memories flood in as if I forgot. Trying to switch the attention to something else. But the truth is I carry dread like a belt. 

I would love to text or call, but she's out of reach, but then I don't for the next couple of weeks. Strange because I confessed to her as if she was a Priest. Then again, I confuse myself like questions from the police.

My thoughts are congested like Shibuya Crossing. I would paint the pain, but I wouldn't like that drawing. Like Chester Bennington, my demons are Crawling. I watch happiness everywhere, and yet I'm dissolving.

Going outside leads to being passive-aggressive. Take a couple of minutes to explain the message. Change my expression to "Who's this?". As I deal with a drunk man screaming bitch.

Wasn't much of a drinker, and now I am. Trying to manage agony but it's worse than a cramp. It's not the labor but the love that makes a man. I thought it was what I had, but it went away like holding sand.

I used to go out and loved it too, but that idea was discontinued after you. Being naïve, thinking our relationship was held up by glue. I was stuck living a fantasy that I ignored the truth. Observing life for a house to own and walk into. Of course, it's too good to be true. You took all I have might as well sue. Apparently, I'm transparent because you saw me right through. 

Through the love and affection that I handed over. It's been almost a decade, and I still can't get closure. You play mind tricks as you torment whoever. Gaslighting them until all they can do is surrender.

Why stab a man who gives his all? You really set the bar that low! I had my hands together like the Allstate Logo. Despite your weight gain, you were still my Marilyn Monroe. Crazy how you decided to have my soul towed. 

I want to feel, but as a man, you're not supposed to. We grow up being told crying is a weakness and to have the tears consumed. Now I can't help but realize my emotions were abused. I sit waiting for recovery as you are out there in life, amused.

Two sides of the same coin. To indulge in love just to rejoice. Indignant and livid thinking, what's the point? Sadly repulsion is something no one can avoid. 

You had organizing skills that Marshall's would employ. We fell in love after my first apartment. You joined. Years passed, and even the air between us was annoyed. You leaving me was like a kick to the groin. 

Even though you cheated, my head thought past that. I can't love again. It's worse than combat. Trying to let go but stuck on the facts. I am doing better until someone decides to ask. 

Well then, how are you doing just out of curiosity? Are you with someone, or are you alone? Do you read? I spent the first five years hiding from the world and fell back on my needs. Maybe it's my fault since I let the heart bleed. Now, look at me. Nine years later, worried. Holding nothing but faith that my heart can't agree.

I didn't go broke at least I had my shit together. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt. It still does. Worse than ever. Like stress, I can't take the pressure. Listen to the bullshit like a college professor. At this point, for sure, I can't forget her. I tried it all, even a letter. I have said some things I would never. Due to losing what I thought was forever.

Letting Go. That's a thing? You said I love you while affection was transferring. Thinking if I don’t notice, it won't sting—a sad tale like the death of kings. 

Your voice used to be soothing, like a violin. Being fascinated when dancing as I watch you spin. Having shows on a list for us to binge. Couldn't go out because I couldn't convince. You love to garden and feel the wind. Keep your eyes close and appreciate the silence. 

Always have my back like an alliance until you exchange heaven with a crisis.

A turmoil of emotions. Stress level raises like an erection. I hated living month after month. But not because you cried like a baby for attention. 

Throwing my love onto the ocean. Pages of my soul that remained broken. As time passes, it worsens. Still figuring out the answer, but there is none.

Life was a routine that felt like a luxury. We used to wake up smiling as if by muscle memory. Then you stabbed empathy, claiming it's a remedy. Thinking this is your ingenious idea to hold down a make-believe.

Listening to water and fire because the sound is binaural. Love with hate because only when in agony it's perceptible. Throwing expletives like a game of marbles. Drag sorrow from the absence a partner. 

You sit in guilt like an imposter. Your skills are remarkable. It deserves an Oscar. Cut devotion as if the intention was proper. You drown others' sensitivity in order to strive longer. 

Trying to let go one step at a time. Hopefully, it pays better than crime. Getting drunk with style from a glass of wine. Until it hits your face with a surprise.

Goodbye, my love, as I delete my photos. The past can't kill, but it hurts those who know. I'd plant faith, but I don't know if it'll grow. I held hope, but that was long ago. 

Life will come around, as it always does. There is enough happiness for every one of us. Not just to give pleasure and fuck. But to laugh, cry, and trust. I know that life does suck. Questioning existence and having no one to discuss. Just because you can hide the suffering doesn't mean you are robust. It's not for God to control. It's for you to adjust.