PARADISE LOST or FOUND?

That went well. Don’t you agree?

I do. So simple. Quick. Painless. Good for you. You certainly made the right decision. 

Yes, I know I did, although it wasn’t easy. The children fought with me for months before they finally accepted that I’d made up my mind…as I’ve done all my life. I understood their viewpoint but this time, I had to do what was right for me, even if it hurt them.

I wish I had done likewise. Instead, I let mine convince me to do this or try that. They talked about the benefits of one option over another and even they couldn’t agree on the best course of action. All the yabbering and arguing back and forth just wore me out. In the end, I became so confused and tired I didn’t have any energy left to fight them. It was all too stressful. So I took their advice instead of doing what I really wanted to. That’s me: always a people-pleaser.

Ha! The irony, of course, is that ultimately both of us ended in the same place regardless of how we got here.

True. But now that it’s a done deal, what do you think is next for us? I mean, there’s no turning back the clock or returning to where we were.

I don’t know what’s next, but I have no regrets. All I know is I’m much happier now than I’ve been for years. I was fed up feeling like Sisyphus pushing the boulder uphill only to have it roll down time and again! That’s not living. That’s dying an endless death.

Yes, your decision was more drastic and life-altering than mine by a long shot. I guess it was probably the most difficult decision you’ve ever had to make?

It was drastic, but it was necessary. I just couldn’t take any more. Sure, I always believed that it’s life’s struggles that make us stronger, but one has to recognize there are some battles we can’t win no matter how hard we try. I realized that this was not just another battle: it was all-out war, a war I had no hope of winning. That’s why I put my foot down while I could still stand up!

So you say even the Serenity Prayer stopped working for you this time?

Yep. It was the only prayer I ever believed in and it, along with my “no-quitter” attitude carried me through the many horrible things life threw at me. But there comes a time when you just get fed up denying or burying the horrible things and trying to stay positive. When I was younger and still in the swing of things, so to speak, the dial on my happiness meter used to slip into the negative zone only once every few months. Then it became once every few weeks, then every few days and finally it got stuck permanently on negative.

Yeah, life sucks when you hit that point. Zaps all the energy out of you and you don’t know where to turn. I guess that’s why so many people, myself included, turn to prayer, or their belief in God. Somehow, when life gets on top of you, prayer and the hope for a Paradise free from suffering and pain just makes everything more bearable…at least temporarily. 

Well, I suppose so. But you know, while I hate to be such a Debbie Downer, years of seeing all the anguish and heartache people have gone through worldwide makes my gut churn. Everything from tornadoes, hurricanes, fires and floods destroying peoples’ lives, to centuries of wars, dictators and persecution in the name of race, country or religion, to child-trafficking, to you name it! How can one believe there’s a loving God listening to the gazillions of prayers being sent his or her way daily, wherever he or she is, let alone that he or she might ever do anything about any of it. Maybe he or she resides in Paradise, but if I ever make it there…which I doubt with my unholy, prayer-less mindset…I’d like to give them a piece of my mind! Not that they’d listen anyway.

Wow. You feel really strongly about this, don’t you. I must say, that makes me sad.

Why?

Well, you have nothing to look forward to…

That’s true, but isn’t that what we do throughout our entire lives? We’re always looking forward to something instead of enjoying the good things in our here and now. No wonder as we age we become more depressed, disillusioned, not just because we’re breaking down physically, but because so much of what we looked forward to never became a reality. So why live out our last days looking forward to what, most likely will be, our final and greatest letdown?

You mean like believing in heaven and living in Paradise?

Exactly! It’s like that song written by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller that Peggy Lee sang in 1969: “Is that all there is?” Remember that one?

Yes. It was one of the most depressing songs ever!

I felt like that the first time I heard it, but the more I really listened to its message, and the longer I lived, the more I asked myself “Is that all there is to life?”

Well, I guess that’s why the rest of us believe in God and Paradise. We don’t want to believe that everything we’ve done with our lives, everything we’ve created, whatever good we did for those we love and for others was of no value. We want to believe that no matter how miserable our lives, we will one day be rewarded, that the horrible stuff that happens isn’t all there is to life!

And I suppose that’s why someone like you was content to rely on doctors, medicines and prayer to help you withstand the agony of your last few months while someone like me said “No Thanks! Just pull the plug now please.” I mean, for years, younger women have proclaimed “my body, my choice”. So why couldn’t a worn-out old woman like me say “my body, my choice”? If you ask me, as wonderful as the advances in medicine have been, when they’re keeping us alive well beyond our usefulness and desire to live, when every day brings more aches and pains, and we can’t even feed ourselves or need help washing ourselves or going to the toilet, I mean, that’s downright embarrassing, even demeaning. All of them, the doctors, our families, the law-makers, all of them need to respect our wishes and let us go when we ask to be set free, especially if we make that choice while we are still in full control of our faculties. Doesn’t that make sense?

Yes, I suppose that makes sense, but still…

Well, we could argue this one for years to come but you and I don’t have any more years. I just liked the idea of dying with dignity and I’m happy I made that choice. As for that question you asked way back about what’s next for us, well I think we’re about to find out. By the way, did you opt for cremation or a more traditional burial? 

Oh I told the family I wanted a green burial. You know…where my body can nurture a tree? At least that way I will keep contributing to the environment even after I’m gone.

Ah…still making sure your death has as much value as your life, right? Yeah, though not for the same reason, I love that idea too. Nice to know there’s one thing we two old souls agree on during our first and last chat. I had initially considered cremation, but decided that was too much like being condemned to the fires of hell because I didn’t believe in God and Heaven and Paradise and all that stuff! Of course, if that’s where I end up, then my bad. Paradise Lost. By the way, I told the kids that when they plant my tree of life, I want a sign attached to the trunk that reads “Paradise Found”.

Gees, I love your sense of humour. I wish we’d known each other when we were alive instead of meeting as we have here in the morgue. Anyway, thanks for making these final moments memorable. It’s been quite a trip. 

Hey, maybe we’ll get planted next to each other. Now wouldn’t that be cool!