Disappear

The vase exploded as it hit the wall beside Kaitlyn, and a piece of the debris sliced her ear. The actual cut was gone almost immediately, but Darren smirked at the blood that was left. She breathed in steadily as she made an effort to stay still, as she tried to convince him that it didn’t bother her. But beneath the hard wall she put up, she nearly shook with the need to attack it with both hands. All she wanted was to scrub at it with a rough washcloth and some fucking acid, because it was blood, it was blood and blood meant pain, blood meant torment, blood meant smirks and laughter as she struggled to just die. But even her own body wouldn’t listen, and even after the worst time, she healed within the day.

Snapped out of the nightmarish flashbacks by Darren as he flopped down on his bed, she moved her eyes to watch him. Slight, careful movements were the only ones she was allowed while on guard, and solely to watch for threats. But she knew that it was just the sort of people she worked for that if she used it too often, or for something insignificant, that even that would be taken away. The thought of that made her want to scream.

Darren knew where Kaitlyn’s mind had gone when he threw the vase, though. He loved to torment her, especially since he knew her position. He knew she couldn’t retaliate. So he threw a knife into the throwing board on her other side, and almost immediately she was sucked back into a land of panicked memories as they overlaid reality, illusions of blades and fists and blinding pain. It wasn’t always like this, thank everything out there, but he’d kept her up all night on duty to make sure that she was exhausted and more prone to losing focus.

Which was, of course, what he wanted. She always knew what he wanted–it was obvious. His entire social circle was sadistic, and all of them, especially his family, loved to see others’ pain as they sat in their luxury. 

Kaitlyn couldn’t even think about what she wanted, for fear of them finding out. Even after the events of last week, she’d only allowed herself a few seconds late at night to feel some shadow of relief that Velda or her friends hadn’t been hurt, that the things she got herself into were just outside of Kaitlyn’s sphere of responsibilities. 

So as she stood there, a toy forced to wait for Darren or some other psychotic person to order her around, her mind fogged and she fell into a dreamscape of nothing. 

Her shoulders relaxed just slightly, a movement invisible to the naked eye, because a fantasy of nothing was better than the real world. Even if it wasn’t as good as the captivating plotlines in the books of her childhood, nothing meant no pain. Nothing meant she wasn’t forced to stand there, in a room she hated, in a castle she loathed, in such close proximity to people she despised. Nothing gave her an escape like that. As long as she had her mind, she could escape into nothing. She did wish that it was real, though. Sometimes, when the day was particularly bad, or she had spent time in the dungeons, all she wanted was to just disappear.

But she had to savor what she had, because she knew she might not have her mind for much longer with what they made her do.

So she did. She savored it as the only thing that wasn’t painful, and that 

But just as she fell into nothing with a mind desperate to relax, a peculiar sensation rippled up her legs. It almost felt like pins and needles–or whatever it was when part of her was under pressure for too long. She wanted to ignore it, wanted to slip back into her nothing, but it continued. It managed to make her just uncomfortable enough that she chanced a look down at it, with shock that gripped her at what she saw. 

Her legs were fading.

They weren’t spent or anything–she’d stood for far longer than this. No, they were literally disappearing, right before her eyes.

She should move, she should do something about it, but the nothing called to her. As she listened, the uncomfortable feeling went away. It almost felt like a hug, something she hadn’t felt in a long time. She was startled–it was so warm. It felt like the fire when it was at the perfect level as she was at the perfect distance, just so comforting and soothing. 

So she listened to it, just leaning into the hug until it had passed over her entire body.

Suddenly, she was shocked as faint yelling erupted. She opened her eyes to see Darren woken up. He shouted at everything as he threw furniture around, furious. She looked around, confused, before she glanced down at herself and froze. She wasn’t there. She looked back up at the scene, and smiled. He must be so mad because of her–because she was gone, and for the first time, he couldn't do anything about it.

She was free.

—--------

She didn’t know how long she floated there. She called it ‘floating’ because it wasn’t standing and it wasn’t sitting or anything else, and even though it didn’t quite seem like her body was floating, it seemed to be the best word for it. All she did know was that the longer she floated there, the more faint her view of the world had become, and the harder it was to hear what was happening–not that she really wanted to, anyway. This comfort felt like her nothing, and that alone was enough to keep her there.

—---------

It felt like a while longer, when her senses had actively faded, that horror ripped through her. 

She saw Darren. He smirked at a small girl as she stood in front of him, seemingly pleased with himself. Kaitlyn was shocked. She hadn’t thought about how he would get a replacement for her. Suddenly, the nothing lost its appeal. She had to get out of whatever this was–she had to fight, she had to save that girl from the fate Kaitlyn should have had. 

But the nothing, once so comforting and soft, turned stiff. No matter how much she fought, no matter how much she tried to scream, her view faded.

Finally, when she couldn’t sense anything anymore, the original fogginess took over, and the nothing returned to its former state of softness. Her head felt almost strange now–her thoughts were hard to grab hold of.

Her memories fogged, and somehow she couldn’t remember what it was that she wanted so badly. It couldn’t have been important anyways, if she forgot it so easily. She nestled into the comfort and let it wash over her. 

So she lost her mind, just like she knew she would, just not in the way she expected.