The Sweetlake Incident

The following information has been recorded to provide a detailed record of the incident in the small town of Sweetlake. The reader is cautioned not to attempt such a stunt, whether it is for charity or the desire to appear in a record book. We thank the representatives of the Guinness Book of World Records for deciding not to record any further contests determining the world's largest cookie, although records for pies, cakes, tarts, Nanaimo bars and other treats will continue to be accepted. They felt that the Sweetlake incident is an exceptional event that should be accepted as one tragic incident that cannot be repeated (representatives for Ripley's Believe It or Not! could not be reached for comment):

Ingredients:

100,000 pounds of all-purpose flour

10,000 pounds of brown sugar

10,000 pounds of white sugar

5,000 eggs (brown and white as desired)

100 gallons of vanilla extract

1000 pounds of salt

1000 pounds of baking soda

30,000 pounds of semi-sweet chocolate chips

50,000 pounds of butter*

*Note: the town prepared for such an event over the space of five years, with plans for another year to gather up as many volunteers as could be found to prepare the cookie. Many felt that the contest to achieve a place in the record books would aid in possible tourism in the area, besides the many lakes and subtle forests and farm land (the town motto is 'Sweetlake: The Sweetest Town You Never Heard Of').

Instructions:

1. Preheat hot pan designed for event in the middle of the town's only sports area (football stadium designed for local teams). As a 'drop' cookie, it will cook quickly enough when mixture is heated.*

*(Drop cookies are made by dropping the dough onto a baking sheet and allowing it to spread and flatten at will. This only works, however, if the space provides is larger than the mix used to make the cookie, or cookies).

2. Mix flour, sugars, salt and baking soda in several abandoned silos near the lakes. This mixture can be transported by air (preferably helicopter).**

**(A serious error of calculation and aeronautics).

3. Beat eggs and mix with vanilla extract and butter. Cream until a soft, light batter is created. This can be done at one of the abandoned breweries near the lakes if teams are run on multiple shifts. Transportation will be provided by the means mentioned earlier.

4. Add chocolate chips to batter, again with multiple teams preparing the mix with the light batter.

5. Combine batter with flour mix and stir vigorously until a thick and uniform batter is made. Add water as desired to determine thickness and consistency.

Cooking Time:

30 minutes should be enough time to prepare the cookie.***

***(Again, a serious miscalculation).

Serving:

Everyone!****

****(Tragically, this was absolutely correct).

*

Note: the mixing process went well, but it was the delivery of the two mixes aerially that created the greatest damage. We are still dealing with the aftermath of this stunt and it may take several months before all the bodies are retrieved. The destruction of the football field was unfortunate, but the decision of the residents to wait in the stands made things much worse. The mayor and town council were almost instantly drowned and killed by cookie batter (sources said that her honour tried to eat her way out of the mix and quickly succumbed). The entire high school football team - on hand to handle distribution of the cookie portions once the record was determined - was killed just as swiftly. The reporters who came to cover the event did manage to make it to their vehicles, but they were soon smothered and trapped (their deaths were due to asphyxiation). And when it did reach the lake - in full flow for the season in many of the smaller inlets (the water, not the batter) - there was no way to stop the dough from blocking not only the waterways but also all access roads and part of the main highway through the town. It is believed that if the baking sheet had been preheated properly, and if one of the helicopters had not found itself with a broken tow cable mid-flight, the damage would not have been as extensive.

As of last week, we have retrieved the bodies of many pets, reluctant residents who found themselves uninterested in the contest until they heard the rush of batter heading down their streets and over their homes, visitors, cars, toys, and other detritus of small-town life. We want to thank all the volunteers who have come out to help us clear the town of batter and damaged property, but a word must now be said about the media coverage and the way that the citizens of Sweetlake have been portrayed.

It may seem amusing to portray them as gullible fools who thought that they could make it into the record books by ignoring all common sense and propriety with poor baking skills and poorer management. This is a false portrayal of a town that simply wanted to put itself on the map like many other small towns have done around the country and the world. It is cruel to call it 'Cannibal Cookieville', 'Keebler's Graveyard' or 'The Killer Biscuit Bay' (not even geographically correct).

We are simply keeping a record of the incident as a warning to any other towns planning such an event. As mentioned, such events will no longer be accepted by record-keeping organizations such as the Guinness group (we are still awaiting word from the Ripley organization).

Souvenirs of the event are still banned and we ask anyone with pets of any kind to keep them away from the area. We are dealing with plenty of wild animals scavenging for food late in the autumn season and we would like to keep the area safe for our crews and their families.

Once again, we would like to remind people that there is nothing even remotely humorous about the event in question. Many relatives are still trying to identify their loved ones and it is best if the media respects their privacy.

I thank you,

Dr. F. Newton (City Coroner)