43 comments

Fiction Horror

This story contains sensitive content

CW: Gore, blood.


I stare out the window of the car, watching the calm autumn scenery pass by. My girlfriend wriggles in excitement next to me, as we get closer to the house. I look at her, obviously confused.

"I thought we were going to find and rent an apartment, not a..." Pausing to glance at the medium sized, quaint cottage. "...House."

Moxie giggles in delight, "I wanted to surprise you! I just recently got a raise and I thought that we could up our standards to something BIGGER!" she makes jazz hands at the house as the driver pulls up to it.


"Well, you succeeded. I am completely BAFFLED on how you think this is a good idea." I mutter and her smile falters. At that moment, I regret saying anything at all.

"I know you made a promise to my father that we'll have a small apartment and a sweet, simple life. But Tac, you know I can't do that. I need action! Adventure, even!" she makes her famous determined look with a grin that looks unbeatable. My face softens, "I'm willing to give it a shot. But remember, I'm doing this for your sake." Moxie squeals and hugs me tightly as I squirm in her warm embrace. The driver looks in the rearview mirror at us,

"I'd hate to interrupt the lovefest, but the tour waits for no one."


Moxie unravels her arms from my torso, and we exit the vehicle. Standing in awe, we gawk at the cozy cottage-like house that might soon be ours. The guide, formerly the driver, somehow appeared in front of us, holding the door open. I haven't known him as long as Moxie had, since he's a family-friend of hers. But she talks about him all the time! What was his name again? My thoughts are interrupted when I realize he is leaving us behind.


"Come in, and we'll start the Grand Tour." Moxie beams and practically skips merrily in while I quietly follow her from behind. "Sir?" I call out to the guide and he half spins around to face me. He taps on his name badge.


"O-oh um... Nilson? Is this house fully furnished-" Nilson cuts me off by putting his gloved hand over my lips and nodding his head.

"It's fully furnished." I whip my head around to look at Moxie and she smiles sheepishly.


"Okay so I may have been feeling bolder when I asked for the tour."

She notices my flabbergasted expression and waves her hands around vigorously. "B-but we could always swap out the furniture! Right??" Moxie looks to Nilson for help. "Of course. You don't have to pay for the furniture by swapping it out."


Continuing on, we've explored the master bedroom, the guest bedroom, the two bathrooms, the attic library, the den, the kitchen, the backyard (which Moxie wanted to turn into a garden), the porch/patio and front yard. I thought everything was looking great, until we got to the underground cellar.


The basement was, less as cozy as the library attic was. Covered with dust, and thick with cobwebs. A variety of alcohol bottles on the shelves from the last owner. I could visibly see Moxie cringe at the sight. She HATES alcohol because of what happened to her mother... I'm snapped out of my daze when Nilson continues talking.


"I apologize for the mess down here. The previous owners had left in a hurry and didn't clean up..." Nilson's voice trails off and gently pushes back up the stairs.


"I'll give you two some time to work out whether or not that you'd want to buy the house, or at least rent it." He sounded desperate, glancing nervously over his shoulder at the basement door.


"Let...me...out!" A soft voice called out from within the cellar, and I recoil.


"Is there someone in there?" I ask and Nilson shakes his head, eyes as big as saucers. "No. You just have noisy neighbors. I'll go deal with them right away." Moxie's face breaks out into an adventurous look. "I want to see. Maybe there are some paranormal secrets down there!" She exclaims, shoving past Nilson and starts going back down the stairs. Nilson's eyes narrow dangerously at her and I pull Moxie back. Nilson slams the cellar door shut, which Moxie's hand almost got taken off.


"I SAID...I'll go check it out. Alone." Nilson sneers at Moxie, and she hunches over, probably feeling ashamed of herself for making him angry. I hug her from behind and she turns around, burying her face in my chest. I could feel Moxie's salty tears plop down onto my pale indigo sweater.


We were forced into the den, and Moxie collapses onto the sofa. All of the excitement must've worn her out. She's already fast asleep. I sit next to her, wrapping my arm around Moxie's shoulder, letting her head lay on my chest.


"I can get used to this." I whisper to nobody in particular.


Little did I know that somebody was eavesdropping on me.


"Could you?"


----------------------------------------------------------------


"Huh? Who's there?" I scan the room and Nilson reappears in the corridor.


"Talking to yourself?"


"I just startled myself."

His eyes soften, "Sorry if I caused any alarm. Have you and your lover made a decision yet?"

Looking back at Moxie, she seemed so at home here. I nod, "We'll take it."


He brightens, slamming a stack of papers on a nearby table. "Great! Sign these papers, and the house is yours to keep."


I groan but knowing that Moxie will be happy, it'll be worth it. "Catch." Nilson throws the house keys at me, and I catch them.


"Thanks for everything." I say, bowing my head a bit and he grins.


"No problem. It has been an absolute pleasure meeting you. Ciao!" He takes all the signed papers and swiftly makes an exit.


I heave out a sigh, "I guess this is the life we'll be living from now on." I turn to go wake up Moxie, but I stopped in my tracks.


There was a translucent figure standing in the doorway, staring at me.


"Nilson?"


"I am not Neil."


The figure's voice was softer and higher pitched than Nilson's low and intelligent voice. I was about to run to Moxie, but the iridescent stranger grabs my wrist and I wince.


"Who're you?!" I was able to get a good look at her.


No pigment, long silky white hair, light icy blue eyes, wearing a gothic styled dress and hat that looks like it'd be from the Victorian era. She has blood over the black ruffled dress, and her joints seemed to be floating, like they were dislocated from the body, yet it was still connected in a way.


She tilts her head to the side, showing that her head was ripped, slitted all the way around it at the neck. "Your new roommate, Gwenore."


I faint, falling backwards and hitting the hard wood floor with a loud THUMP. Everything went black and the last thing I heard was Gwenore whispering in my ear,


"I'll take good care of you."


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I woke with a start, but then I relax when I see Moxie and Gwenore talking to each other and laughing like good friends.


"Mox? What's going on? Who's she?" Gwenore turns to me,


"Remember Nilson? Well, he is the reason why I'm here. He killed me. He did it because I took his spotlight away from him." She explains vaguely.


My brain stops working, and I gape at her while my mind clings onto the smallest detail. "Spotlight?" I inquire.


"I was a famous actor when I was alive. He had a petty rivalry against me because I supposedly stole the limelight from him. He was SO desperate to take my place that he started doing extreme stunts so the media would focus on him. That was going well for a little while until he hit rock bottom from not being able to pay the bank back, instantly becoming bankrupt. Nilson had an entire crisis, and eventually snapped. He basically went insane because if he wasn't famous, what was he? Nilson had attempted murdering me but got caught. He went to prison, earned an ally in jail, escaped and disguised himself as a reclusive, yet famously known writer that I was going to meet. His cronies kidnapped the original writer, and the fake (Aka Nilson) poisoned me. The media says I died of food poisoning or unknown causes. He got away with it, and the writer was sworn to secrecy." She tells her sad story of tears and woes, like a dramatic narrator at plays.


The pieces started to connect, and the cogs started to turn in my head. "But wait, how long ago did he kill you?"


"A two decades ago." She answers bluntly.


"Oh! So, it was more recent."


"Yes. I have a question for both of you."


Me and Moxie stare at Gwenore with curious intent.


"Could both of you help me take revenge on Nilson?"


"Yes of course!" Moxie exclaims.


I get up and guide Moxie away from Gwenore. "Excuse us for a moment. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? WE CAN'T TRUST HER! She's a GHOST, for God's sake!"


Moxie crossed her arms, puffing out her cheeks. "If you were killed and turned into a ghost, I'd take revenge for you. You'd do that for me too, right?"


"Yes, but that's different. She's a complete stranger! This could all be a trick, some sort of elaborate prank pulled by Nilson. I didn't really like that guy anyways. He was acting very suspicious."


"Tac, Gwen is literally FLOATING. Explain how that could be a hoax. Go on, I'm waiting."


I roll my eyes. "Fine. We'll help her. I won't promise that it'll be easy though."


"Who said that it would easy? It definitely won't be."


"I guess we'll just have to see, won't we?"


----------------------------------------------------------------


To be continued...

May 31, 2022 18:30

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43 comments

Philia S
15:34 Jun 01, 2022

Ooh! I liked this. Horror isn't usually my cup of tea but this was very nicely written out! If you wish, I could critique the piece but your choice, of course. Not that you asked but I felt like reading this. XD Also you're ace? That's so cool--I am too. :D (Happy Pride Month, btw) Hope you're well! -Philia

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Ace Quinnton
16:06 Jun 01, 2022

(Aspec pride babey!) Horror is something I do best, amongst other things. My train of thought when writing this was: Couple supposed to originally get a tour for an apartment, lover wanted to go bigger, the house wasn't empty, for there is something else lurking within. Please give me critique, it'll help me improve in my writing that way.

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Philia S
01:55 Jun 02, 2022

(XD nice!) That's great! I surely will once I'm done with me summer school. Just commenting over here so I don't forget to. :)

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Ace Quinnton
02:42 Jun 02, 2022

Yikes! I have to do summer school near the end of the summer break, so I re-educate myself, and start fresh when school restarts. Thank you for commenting and reading my story.

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Philia S
12:15 Jun 02, 2022

I beg to differ about the 'yikes!' but anyway, opinions opinions. XD Good luck to you for the summer school, though! Anyway, on to the critique as I promised! (Warning: I might dig into the nitty-gritties. I'm sorry. TvT And I may be harsh and I apologise for that too, in advance. You are an amazing writer but there's *always* room to improve. :)) (Edit: This turned out longer than I expected. I'm sorry.) First things first, paragraphs! Break the story into paragraphs--it becomes easier to read. Your choice, of course, though! Also, inste...

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Ace Quinnton
16:05 Jun 02, 2022

Thank you for the feedback. I'll get to editing right away. I am picky myself, and THIS kind of critique I can handle. After all, I am my own worst critic. I appreciate you for doing this for me. I have been given feedback before, but not as much as I'd like to. Writing on the computer is easier to do than on paper because you can always edit it on here instead of having those annoying marks on paper after you erase it. Moxie (Mox) and Tacito (Tac) were formed in my head as polar opposites. One Lawful good, one Chaotic good. Or how I like t...

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Dhwani Jain
15:06 Jun 08, 2022

Philia, SUMMER SCHOOL??? Yeh kya bala hai?

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Kevin Marlow
05:30 Jul 03, 2022

Going at this from a pure Stephen King, writing advice angle, since it is posited as horror fiction; kudos for writing from a first person present tense narrative, that is difficult. King only recommends present tense for short/flash fiction, which this blog is, so, fitting. He also advises against over using adverbs (words ending in -ly) in his writing seminars, watch that. Good use of dialogue instead of over explaining/info dumps/backstory, so I read on...

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Ace Quinnton
19:40 Jul 03, 2022

The only backstory/infodump was when Gwenore was explaining how she died, and why Nilson was connected to it. I had no idea that it was difficult to write a first-person present tense, so I guess that I surprised myself. I'll keep this advice in mind for my next horror stories. Thank you for reading and commenting. If you are still interested in this series, I suggest that you read onto the next Seemingly empty parts.

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Moon Lion
04:47 Jun 21, 2022

The iridescent stranger's description was one of the best parts of this story, but the other thing that I found really strong and well done was the increasing distance from the original goal to the end. The story appears to start simply, but one decision after another sets off this chain of chaos and mystery. Awesome stuff, I feel like you're coming into your own as a writer. Also, Gwen is literally floating is almost a perfect character appropriate line of dialogue! Had me cackling

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Ace Quinnton
15:50 Jun 21, 2022

A chain of chaos makes it all come together, thinking of the events as 'the domino effect'. Thank you, this series is going to amazing, I can guarantee it. But it's true! She's see-through, severely damaged, and FLOATING. "How do you pull that off and have it been fake?" -Moxie

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Tj Squared
00:00 Jun 13, 2022

Ooooo intriguing! I wanna read the next page, so good thing I don’t have to wait lol. Twas very nicely written for horror, and very original too! I don’t typically like reading horror stories, but this one intrigued me and kept me wondering how it was all going to work. Amazing job!

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Ace Quinnton
19:37 Jul 03, 2022

Thank you for reading and commenting. I like the idea of horror traits without going into the deep, nitty gritty details. I know that would scare away some readers if I went into full gore mode. If you have any questions for me about this, I'd be happy to explain. (Warning: There would be spoilers).

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Tj Squared
03:11 Jul 12, 2022

No problem :) Yeah it would lol

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Daniel R. Hayes
06:29 Jun 11, 2022

Hello, my friend!! I read this earlier today, so I will just say that this first story was really well done! I loved how you ended this and I'm looking forward to the next part, which I'm headed to right now.

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Sharon Hancock
02:12 Jun 10, 2022

Hello! Spooky story! I really enjoyed your introduction of Gwen…excellent description! “No pigment” had me intrigued. Nilson was super creepy so well done on characterization. I love horror so I really enjoyed this! 😻

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Ace Quinnton
02:19 Jun 10, 2022

I'm glad that you like it! I suggest that you should read the other parts (2 and 3). I'm writing each story from a different POV from one of the characters. It helps on getting more backstory that way. Seeing things from another character's point of view can change things either drastically or slightly. Gwenore and Nilson are great characters, and there will be more of them soon. If you read the other two parts, would you mind telling me which character you like most and which one you like the least? Along with a reason as to why you feel t...

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Aeris Walker
17:33 Jun 09, 2022

Definitely a clever take on the prompt! Ghost story saga in the new cottage. Love the subtle humor throughout, and distinct characters. Great job ;)

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Ace Quinnton
17:46 Jun 09, 2022

Thank you! I suggest that you should read the other two. If you have any critique for me in any of these, I'm always open for improvement!

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Dhwani Jain
15:05 Jun 08, 2022

Ace, To be honest, as soon as I read that this was horror, I was about to hit the back button. But something (or maybe Gwen) made me read this. This is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! I love it. Although I am a scaredy cat, I think anyone who is not scared of the dark (not to hurt anyone's sentiments if you're scared of the dark) can read this and ENJOY! Imma gonna go now and read the rest of it. See ya' on the other side.

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Ace Quinnton
17:47 Jun 08, 2022

Hah! Gwen is a great character, and you are definitely going to see more of her later. (And maybe a story from her POV?) I feel like the way it's written, like the funny banter at the beginning with Tacito and Moxie, attracts the crowd as something nice and lighthearted instead of horrific. Though, towards the end it gets gorier with the one scene that introduces Gwenore's appearance. As someone who has Nyctophobia, I don't take offense to this. Many people are afraid of the dark at a young age and then fades away after growing up. The mai...

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Dhwani Jain
06:55 Jun 09, 2022

yeah she is....are you hinting at something? I know, your storytelling/pacing is beautifully gothic. I literally skimmed through that scene last night when I was reading this story. XD

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Ace Quinnton
14:54 Jun 09, 2022

Yes. Yes, I am hinting at something. Every character is going to get a story from their POV. Even more than once! I've always loved storytelling, and my comrades always tell me that my stories are SO GOOD that they say it should be a book someday. I skim a lot too, but it's more like reading it quickly to get the memo, then reading it over again thoroughly.

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Dhwani Jain
17:01 Jun 09, 2022

XD That should be interesting to wait for. Not me, for that part at least.... I get scared easily

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Ace Quinnton
17:05 Jun 09, 2022

Remember Sir Headless Nicholas in Harry Potter? Gwenore has that type of appearance but just a bit more than that. So don't be scared, I didn't go into the highly detailed, nitty gritty descriptions. But I can if you want me too...

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Philia S
01:29 Jun 04, 2022

Okay, this is definitely better than the previous version. I could follow through the story with more ease, relatively. Loved it!

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00:09 Jun 03, 2022

Hey Ace! Thanks for reading my story and leaving a comment! Those always make my day :) I read your bio. Hello fellow Hufflepuff, Queer, Amity, chocolate lover, bookworm, Twisted tales fan, The Greatest Showman (and musical) lover, and Alec Benjamin fan! Full disclosure- I don't know my district; I get a different result every time. *shrugs* Have you read Sarah Maas's Throne of Glass series? If you like fantasy, I literally cannot recommend this series enough. It is up there in my favorites, alonf with Cassandra Clare's work and Uncle Rick...

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Ace Quinnton
00:57 Jun 03, 2022

First off: Thank you for reading and leaving a comment on here. I appreciate all the critique and I will start editing again right away. I have NO IDEA why this story is getting so much attention. I'm a relatively newer writer on Reedsy, so I'm kind of excited and overwhelmed by the encouragement and things-to-fix. I have not read the Throne of Glass series, but the next time I go to the bookstore, I will look for it. (ALSO, NO I HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT A PJO TV SHOW. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? AND WHEN IS IT OUT?!) I love it when people write nov...

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01:08 Jun 03, 2022

Please do look for it! They started recording the show very recently, like a few days ago. I believe it's coming out next summer. If you look it up, I'm sure the fandom is blowing up with articles. But Uncle Rick is a part of the casting so it's going to be ~amazing~ Also: Love Gwenore; and I'm super excited to see where you take it! Here are some links to stories: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wiar2_6ONPUTV6ZlragoMmsE7iyEX1YRKYX3Ns0zga8/edit?usp=sharing ^My first Queer story- I had a word limit when I wrote it which is why it feel...

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01:12 Jun 03, 2022

I should add that there's no rush to read them. If you want something quick, use the last link for my poems. The second link ranges from very quick to kinda long, and the first link will be somewhat time consuming, just for some time references.

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Ace Quinnton
02:04 Jun 03, 2022

Thank you! I've just ended the slideshow one, and I got the... blue ending? You have a great way with words and doing the google slide was extremely clever! Nicely done. I'll look into them more once I'm done finishing my edits. I've got TONS of ideas for this series, so if you'd like; you could give me some ideas, just in case, as a side story/mini tale maybe. I'd give credit to you though, for the original idea. UNCLE RICK IS IN THE CASTING? MUST. SEE. IT.

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02:45 Jun 03, 2022

I realized that I phrased that weirdly. Rick Riordan is helping cast, but I don't think he is in the show. Someone should totally try to get him in it, though. tThat would be EPIC. Sorry. Thank you for doing it! :) What exactly were you thinking for the story, generally? We can start there and see if I think of anything from there, maybe?

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Ari Berri
22:15 Jun 01, 2022

I like the suspense, very nice! One thing I'd recommend is to break it into smaller paragraphs to make it smoother to read, but this is very well written. Great job!!

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Ace Quinnton
23:01 Jun 01, 2022

Thank you! I'll go do that. Thanks for reading my story and commenting on it. I appreciate the feedback and critique. Have a good day/afternoon/night!

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