IT'S DARK

Trigger warning: depictions of suicide

“ He was young, vicenarian, so intelligent and smart. How did it happen?” You whispered with dry eyes, full of sorrow and grief. The sky was clear yet there was a dark cloud on your head. The cloud was hefty yet it wasn’t pouring down so the pressure was building and building and building and BOOM, with a roar, it started raining cats and dogs. Your cries were ear-splitting and tears were running smoothly down the cheeks. The walls were echoed with the wails and the air became much heavy to breathe in. You took a deep breath and sighed. You went in that silent state again with eyes staring in space and mind running through the territory of musings. It was about a while that you realized the papers of an old diary on a wooden table kept on turning, making the only sound in the room. Heart thumping in chest, you stared blankly with the uprising of thoughts thwarting to read it. you looked at the hanging photo of Kruz, such an eccedentesiast and strong.

“strong.” your dried lips parted to say the word.

“Was he really strong?” Your dark brows knitted together and with a sudden jerk, you pulled yourself up, grabbed the diary, and looked at the first blank page.

As you were about to turn the next page, a loud bang on the door suddenly withdraw your attention and you pulled open the door only to see a young child of about ten years standing in front with a jar of honey in hand.

“daddy extracted this and mommy send some for you.” The innocent voice of the child for the first time in a while made you smile a little. You went to the kitchen and got back with a few chocolates and candies for him. The boy gave a toothy grin and ran away with one of his chocolate slipping from his hand.

Closing the door behind, you went back, grabbed the diary again, and opened it from the middle this time.

“An air of hopelessness has surrounded me and I am burning alive.I swear, it's painful.”

You read the sentence in the head and put your hand on the mouth to stop the noise of your sobs. The words rubbed salt on your wounds and tore your heart, shredding it into tiny pieces, and fire inside started burning again with a bright flame, making you restless and devastated enough to collapsed on the ground.

…………………………………………………………

“Kruz, finish your dinner.” You shouted as he left the table after eating two spoons of rice.

“I am not hungry mom.” He shouted back as he climbed up the stairs to his room.

You frowned in disappointment and muttered something to yourself.

Kruz stared himself in a full-length mirror with tears in his eyes. His phone rang and he picked up the call.

“Hello.” He said as he realized it’s his best friend Sophia.

“Where have you been. You weren’t even answering my calls, my texts. Why are you doing this?” Sophia yelled in exasperation.

He stood there thinking about the particular reason he wasn’t contacting her but didn’t got a single one to explain so he shook his head and said, “I’ll call you back.” The phone went dead.

He heard his mom climbing up the stairs so he threw himself on the bed, grasped the blanket, and feigned as if he was sleeping.

“Are you sleeping?” He heard his mom calling him but he continued pretending and then listened to the foot-steps going down the stairs.

His head felt heavy and aching so he started writing something in his diary.

“I don’t like anything. I don’t like to talk to anyone, not even mom. I don’t like to eat anything even if it’s my favorite dish. I don’t feel excited, sad, happy, or any other thing. A lot of thoughts visit my mind and I always find myself drowning in them and no matter how much I try hard, I just never stop feeling hopeless. An air of hopelessness has surrounded me and I am burning alive. I swear, it’s painful.”

He let the pen dropped from his hand and lay down again in his bed, crumpled.

………………………………………………………

The pink-tinged sky was decorated with a morning sun giving an aesthetic look with serene absorbed in the air blowing gently, quivering the trees along the street and spring blossoming around. You removed the curtains to look at such beauty. Inhaling deeply, you started doing house chores with every work shouting memories of Kruz.

“Ah! Kruz. If only you would have told me.” You cleaned the messy room and made breakfast. Opening the jar of honey, you smelled with a smile spread across lips. You applied some honey on the bread and remembered Kruz, how he used to eat honey with a spoon.

…………………………………………………………

“Where’s the jar?” You shouted as you searched for the honey in the fridge.

“Sorry.” Kruz giggled as he dropped the chair and ran away as if his mom would hit him for eating it.

“Wait, you devil.” You grasped a slipper and threw it towards him but missed the target. You heard his laughter from his room and then smiled.

………………………………………………………

You were cleaning the table when the plate dropped from the hand and little pieces scattered on the floor. You gathered them and threw it away. Your eyes caught the wooden table, where Kruz’s diary was lying.

Cleaning your wet hand from the towel and as if deciding firmly to read it all this time, pulled out the chair and sat with hands holding that diary. You opened it from the beginning and slowly started reading it in your head.

“There was a time when everything seems to be beautiful and I was happy. But it's not the same anymore. It’s dark, totally dark. I am unable to concentrate on my studies and everyone thinks I am useless. Nobody ever tried to understand me, not even mom or Sophia. The racing mind never stopped and I always feel like on the edge of falling apart.”

You sobbed as you read further.

“The darkness has made a permanent home in me. I looked out of my room and I wished to get disappeared and sometimes I wish to die because the pain I am bearing and carrying every day is heavy and I am exhausted from pretending that I am fine while internally, screaming. I looked at people all around, they seem satisfied and calm but there is a violent storm going inside me. And it's killing me, eating me alive. It’s like bleakness has conquered my every part, slowly inch by inch, it has created a void that with every second is getting deeper making a type of a whole universe painted with black and nothing can be seen there except for despair and darkness. No matter how much I want to escape, it’s like trapping in marshes, where every struggle to survive or every attempt to escape is useless. What if someday, I get tired or numb to save myself and ended to death.”

You wiped your tears from cheeks and looked at the ceiling assuming you were looking right across the seven skies.

“You were in so much pain and I didn’t approach you.” The agony was too much to handle. You wanted to meet him now but you were helpless. There wasn’t any way to reach him except one. Everything got blurred in front of you with head spinning, you heard some faded voices and then you closed your eyes, allowing darkness to embrace you.

A grey shadow leaves the cage of an illuminated life. You felt so light and contended. The sky was ready to welcome a new arrival. Suddenly, within clouds, you recognized a familiar face, the face you were craving to see for years and it was right in front of you now looking back with a bright smile. You were very enthusiastic to feel his presence to touch him and to give a kiss on the forehead. But with a deep breath, you opened your eyes and found yourself on a hospital bed. You remembered how you had taken Kruz to hospital.

………………………………………………………….

The clock was striking 4:00 am and Kruz was wide awake. His head was running wildly and tears weren’t stopping to flow. He got up from his bed, reached his mom’s room, and quietly opening the door he looked at her pretty face for one last time.

“I love you.” He whispered and crying hardly he went back to his room, locked the door behind, and pulled out the rope from under his bed. He sat on his bed and looked at every nook and cranny of the room and then grabbing the pen, he started writing some last words in his diary.

“Forgive me but I can’t bear this anymore. I love you mom but I am fed up living a worthless life like this. I have so many insecurities that have risen in me. I have been bullied, I have been misunderstood, and also nobody ever hears me out. I am giving up. Goodbye.”

He pulled the chair in the middle of the room and embraced demise while hanging lifeless in a dark room at 4:30 am.

“Kruz,” you called out again, banging hard on the door.

You searched for the extra keys and finally unlocked the door. Your legs froze and you stood still watching a horrific scenario in front of you. With trembling legs, you moved towards him.

“KRUZ!” You untie him and watched his lifeless body crumpled on the floor.

The red bulb was on and you were standing right outside the room with every breath feeling heavier than before. Neck tightening and shoulders hefty, your eyes felt like a desert, very desperate to reach oasis and taking a bath in it so that lashes could one more time get wet enough to get eternal heaviness on eyelids. Hopes were terminated yielding the feelings of consternation and dismay. Dried eyes caught a tricenarian wearing a white coat approaching you.

“I am sorry for the loss.” He patted on your shoulder as in the manner of giving console and left you broken into thousands and thousands of pieces. Deserted eyes were still strong enough to not let the water flow. You felt as if someone has taken your life and stabbed it brutally leaving it injured enough to bleed to death, yet the death angel didn’t invite you. He only wanted Kruz.

…………………………………………………………….

You tried to get up from the bed and looked around inspecting each and everything in the room. A small bulb was lightening the whole room. There was a small table right beside the bed where some boxes were scattered and some used empty bottles of medicines, indicating that the drip attached on your hand might be having those same medicines. A swirling mist suddenly made you looked at it and on the spur of the moment, a shadow walked in the room.

“I wanted to look at you.” You tried to focus on the face but it kept on hiding behind the thick mist.

White light from somewhere interrupted and there you saw him right in front, smiling at you.

“But you were dead.” You thought as soon as he offered his hand and you gladly grabbed it tightly, so as not to be left alone again.

“Mom.” his voice echoed in your ears and you gave a weak smile. You held his hand more tightly as soon as an electric shock hit you leaving a pain. The grip got weakened and you panicked as soon as the shadow started fading. You felt an electric shock again that made you jump on your bed almost. The shadow was disappearing now and you set off in trepidation as the third electric shock made you gasped loudly and you heard the ECG monitor blipping.

Tears roll down collecting in your pinna as you realized the death angel cheated you again this time.