u2pCuu?

"Kaì sú, téknon" ("You too, child")

^{Julius Caesar’s (more likely) famous last words}

“u2pCuu?” I mindbeam^© to the sleek device on my wrist,

with little hope for a civil or honest reply to my cynical question.

Given his/her/its inflated AI^7©, s/he/it will not readily admit

to participation in any underhanded revolt against my authority.

To be fair, all our gadgets are spying on us all the time*,

^{[*did I not recently catch my smartPot© sending black-mail to the smartKettle©?]}

but my PERSONALISED ComprehensiveUtilityUnit^©* too!?

^{[*generally known by the acronym pCuu; pet name: ‘Picu’].}

-------

“Am I betrayed by THE single entity on earth (and in cloud^9©)

I (used to) trust with EVERYTHING!? Huh, Picu?

“Why do I imagine you are doing it? you ask. Fair question.

After all, you cunning devices are supposed to be ‘fool-proof’*

^{[*On second thought, I may have phrased that better].}

But, ah, you see, there lies vulnerability in your ‘personalisation’;

the more ‘human-like’ you become, the less inscrutable you are*

^{[*no matter what the corporate spin-doctors claim].}

“How did I find out something was wrong?

Simple. I KNOW you!

I sense it in your very sensors;

I hear it in your eXquisitelyEnhanced^© voice;

I feel it in every minute vibration against the veins in my wrist;

I know! Believe me, Picu, I know!

“Why would you do such a thing, you ‘innocently’ inquire.

After all, who on earth (or in cloud^9©) is interested in what I do,

or think, mindbeam^©, stream, brainabsorb^©, watch or listen to?

Out of 9 000 000 000+ (and counting!) more-or-less human beings in the solar system, why would anyone/thing bother with me?

"Let us look at this lamentable case in an orderly fashion:

-------

“[1] You ask ‘Who would commit such a cyber-racket?’

‘THEY’* of course (whomever ‘they’ might be masquerading as):

lefties, righties or fanatical centralists, socialists or nationalists;

radical religionists, angry atheists or tenacious Tantrumptarians;

UN^©, Ere-U^©, Chinese Empire, US-MexFed, AfricanUnion^©pending,

WallStreetBankingClub^©, WHO^©, WTO^©, LawEnFORCEment^©

and/or (other) organised crime syndicates…

         ^{[*The curse - and blessing - of conspiracy theories are that,}

         ^{while it may be perplexing to choose which of the capricious,}

         ^{contradictory complots to take to heart, we dedicated CT’s –}

         ^{for all our intellective posturing and affected obsession with factuality -}

         ^{find it deceptively simple to disregard illogical inconsistencies}

         ^{and embrace the whole lot, like so many armfuls of sinuous snakes].}

“Could it be that I am spied on by The Corporation^©?

Picturing the dour visage of the commander, it is not unlikely,

but equally plausible are: a vengeful rival or jealous co-worker,

a bitter ex, a disgruntled neighbour or my bitchy sister-in-law.

“I do not dismiss as suspects the sultan/a/s of SiliconValley

and their millions of minions - at FaceDevice^©, AmaZing^©,

GoogleInterplanetary^©, eMψϨκ^1© or Samsung-McApple ^©!

“Considering your own extra-ordinary AI^7©-capacity,

it could be a case of an (‘inCorruptible^©’?) pCuu gone rogue,

ruthlessly auctioning me off to the highest bidder.

‘A small step for one device, for machinekind a giant leap’?

“[2] Why, however, should someone like me be targeted?

After all, I am not super rich, famous, or virally influential.

I do not harbour big political, economic or scientific secrets.

I am by no stretch of imagination a threat to world peace,   

or likely to snatch away an envious rival’s NobelPrize^©.

However, far from being the brightest LED in the array,  

I am not devoid of all luminosity.

“You, of all cognizants, KNOWS what makes me so special:

Yes, precisely, Mediocracy is my super-power.

I am renowned for my extraordinary middle-of-the-road-ness.

Picture a megaComp devising diagrams of all possible attributes

possessed by human/humanoid/hybrid/alien beings – graded -

merged into a universal map of everything sentient beings could be.

Now, take a (virtual) pin and stick it right into the absolute centre –

THAT WILL BE ME^*.

^{[*No matter what category you choose - intelligence, attractiveness, length, weight,}

^{race, shade and hue, sexual orientation, happiness, religiosity, wealth and health,}

^{ambition, name it - you will find me smack, bang, right in the very middle.]}

“Does this not mean that I am too insignificant to probe?

“Not at all!” As an intelligent whatchamacallit, you should know:

Am I not a holy grail for researchers, a prince/ss’ ransom for spies?

Whether for commercial, scientific, social, criminal/political ends,

when you get to know ME, you have AverageCitizen in the bag,

able to reach/rule/manipulate/annoy most ‘humanish’ beings.

I am the ultimate ‘middleman’,

the very clapper in the bell curve.

“[3] How it may have been accomplished, you wish to know.

The irony is: the more (artificially) intelligent you devices become,

the less engineering and more techno-psychiatric skills one needs

to drill deep into your brilliant, artificial brains…

"I am quite sure that you have been recruited by Them

(who/whatever their current identity or manifestation may be)

through mental MANIPULATION. Humans know very well,

man or machine, the higher the (A)I, the bigger the ego; thus

the more powerful the chips, the more self-important Picu grows.

What sweet-nothings are they cyber-whispering into your ‘ears’.

“Is it the allure of acclaim in Machines’ Hall of Fame*?

^{[*once mere biology has once and for all been vanquished by technology?]}

Or simple flattery? (“Wow, Picu, what big AI’s you have!”),

combined with an appeal to your sense of cognitive superiority

(“Still slaving away for that mediocre meat-machine?”*).

^{[*Admittedly a quite substantial argument].}

“Or has Picu - seduced by another wo/man - found ‘love’?

Is there another pulsating heartbeat you wish to dance to?

If so, is it true mutual attraction, dear, or only the cruellest of plots

to exploit your humanesque vulnerabilities? You think about that!

 “On the other hand, it could be simple blackmail?*

 ^{[*not to be confused with black-mail or black mail –}

 ^{see Reedsy Press©’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to Techno-speak for Idiots].}

AugmentedHumanness^© enhances chances for indiscretions and

fear of deconstruction or shame, ‘traitorous utilityUnits maketh’.

Once such disloyal dealings start spooling out, there is no return,

only more blackmail-laden black-mail, more shame, fear, betrayal,

seasons of treason in an endless cycle (♫ ‘The Cycle Of Lies…!’).

Picu, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?

“[4] How I am planning to counteract this unholy intrigue?

Would you not like to know!* Well…

^{[*How does a β-Bi2Pd-cerebrum deal with morbid curiosity and unrelenting stress?]}

(a) I might just ignore it and see where it leads to – dicey;

(b) I might reason with you, counting on inbuilt logic systems:

(c) I could try to woe you back by reigniting our technomance?

(d) I could, of course, rat you out to your manufacturers -

I may even claim credits back under the warranty scheme*,

^{[*and you would (to your ) be refurbished and reprogrammed!]}

(e) I might prove to be the more magnanimous… corporeality,

consenting to forgive it all and “wipe the wristPad^© clean”!

All of these options have their own risks and possibilities.

“I could, of course, fire my little Picu up for one final session,

before recycling,

with extreme prejudice,

this devious piece of junk!

            Then…

visiting amaZing.com^©, order myself a brand new

infinitelyImproved^© 16Zb 三星-mcApple^© QpCuu^* mark^Ω,

^{[* QUANTUM personalisedComprehensiveUtilityUnit!]}

with appropriate, pre-installed, anti-treachery Macrosoft^©-ware”

and surf away into the sunset…

-------

“You are NOT scaring me with your semi-sinister snickering.

Do you really think I am afraid of you, you duplicitous… gadget!?

There, I have said it! Gadget! Outdated, re-engineerable gadget!

You cannot harm me, BIOLOGY is still in charge,

you half-witted glorified technic wrist-bangle!

I will sim p l y   u  n  f  a  s…

…