Ratri, Yami, Soma

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Ratri

Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to live near an ocean and away from the city. If instead of murals and coffee shops, there was kelp and undiscovered creatures. If instead of a morning ride on the BART, I went on a morning swim before walking to work. It was a foolish fantasy -I could never leave the girls and they wouldn’t be able to survive if the hospital wasn’t a twenty minute drive away- but it was nice to think about.

On days when things in the city got stifling and stressful, I reminded myself of my dreams. I imagined playing on a beach with the girls, soft sand under my feet. I imagined relaxing against a rock and watching the sun set on the ocean. 

When the girls got run over by a car, I couldn’t bring myself to visit them. I knew that I was the only person they had, but I couldn’t bear seeing them like that. I stayed in the lobby and worried. I wondered if the girls would be better away from the city. If instead of the city being the only thing keeping them alive, it was what was trying to kill them. Foolish thoughts. Still, I let myself wonder.

Eventually, the staff kicked me out. They said that there were other patients who were waiting, other patients whose families were waiting. Families. I didn’t have one of those anymore. 

When I got home, I took a long shower, both to clean away the hospital germs and the memory of how small and frail the girls had looked. After I finished drying off and changing, I settled on the couch to take a nap. My sleep was plagued with memories of the girls' other incidents, and the worry that they might not recover from this one. 

When I awoke, it was midnight and pitch black. I didn’t think the hospital would let me back yet, and they would have called me if there was any change in the girls’ condition, so I wandered over to the kitchen for a snack. 

I felt a presence, but I knew that I was alone in the house. Abandoning all prospects of food, I followed the sound to the girls’ bedroom. When I walked in, there was a woman sitting on the ground and leaning against the bed. Her appearance flickered between drop-dead gorgeous and plain, forgettable. Her skin was the same deep brown as mine, but she had silvery tattoos of stars on her arms and legs, and the brief flicker of her torso I saw was riddled with what looked like burn scars.

Sit. I heard it in my head, and she hadn’t opened her mouth, but I still knew it was her that had said it. I sat. 

...

Once the girls were fully recovered, we left for a vacation on a tropical island.

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Yami

I spent pretty much our entire first day on vacation worrying. More than usual, that is. I worried that the girls wouldn’t have fun. I worried that they’d have too much fun and get injured, as always. I worried that something would happen to me and they would be alone, like I had once been. I worried-

The girls told me not to. They told me that they’d be okay, and that I needed to let myself have something for once. That the vacation shouldn’t just be for them. They might be extremely accident prone and reckless, but they’re wise too.

I decided it might serve us well if I listened to them, so I shoved away my misgivings and joined them on the beach. I built a sandcastle complete with tiny archers holding drawn bows, then swam around for a bit. After tiring myself out, I lay back against a rock to watch the girls. They wrestled in the sand and I knew that their clothes would be a hassle to deal with, but they never strayed too far into the water and didn't jump off any cliffs to ‘see if we can fly’ so I let it be.

A couple minutes after they started looking around for interesting shells, I felt a presence near me, similar to what I’d felt sitting near the starry scarred woman on the girls’ bedroom floor a week ago. I turned to the side and saw a woman with pitch black skin and dripping wet pale blue braids sitting in padmasana, staring at me. I stared back and waited for her to speak. When she did, her voice was similar yet wildly different from the other woman’s. They were both silky and hypnotic, but something about the blue braided woman’s voice felt like she contained a storm that could be released at any moment.

When you come at night, she told me, it’s even more beautiful. Ratri’s stars in the sky and Soma’s reflection on Varuna’s ocean is truly a sight to behold.

Who are you, I wanted to ask, if the woman I saw before was Ratri? And if it’s not your ocean, why are you here?

I didn’t say anything, and we lay next to each other for a few moments more. After she got up, she disappeared into the ocean, waves calming for a moment before growing and swallowing any last trace of her.

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Soma

It's a cold night, but the stars in the sky and the moon's reflection on the water are too beautiful to miss. Like a high school couple sneaking out, we bundle up and stumble excitedly to the beach. Somehow, it’s more beautiful than the woman had said. The moonlight glistens like pearls on the ocean surface and there are more stars than I could’ve ever imagined seeing at home. We cautiously step into the water, making no sound so as not to disturb the unknown peace. 

As I’m about to make another step forward, I pause. I wonder if there’s magic in the moonlight, and if by stepping into the moon-blessed water, I’m absorbing some. I wonder if Soma has come down to Earth to create the beautiful reflection, if the shine is from the physical moon or its spirit. The woman had said, after all, that it was Soma’s reflection on the ocean, and I don’t think she’s the kind to lie. 

I allow myself a few more moments of fantastical curiosity, then take the girls’ hands and continue walking. We step into a silvery ray of moonlight, and I feel an inexplicable sense of purpose. I feel as if everything else has been erased but the path forward, towards the deeper waters. I feel a need, urgent, to let myself fall under this spell, to ignore all else, to keep on walking and never stop. I don’t see the girls anymore, but for once, this doesn’t worry me. I somehow know that they are safe, if not feeling a bit confused. I know that if I keep walking, I will see them again.

I realize that there was a reason that Ratri came and told me to bring the girls here. A reason that the blue braided woman told me about the beach at night. For some reason, Soma is calling to me. And who am I to refuse? 

I step forward.