SPEAK NOW!

***Are you ready for more bickering between that loving couple, The Banters? Well here they go again!***

“Ok. Speak now…”

SILENCE

“Martha? Are you there? I need you to speak now.”

“Oh, sorry. I was reading.”

“You’re bleeding?”

“No, READING!”

“You don’t have to shout!”

“Yes, I do or you don’t hear me. What did you want anyway?”

“Well, I’m trying to adjust my hearing aid and I just wanted you to say something. There, I’ve just adjusted it again. So speak now.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Say anything!”

“Anything.”

“Marrrthaaa! Stop being smart. Geez when I don’t want you to talk, you never shut up. Now when I want you to say something, I can’t get you to say anything! Sometimes you really frustrate me.”

“Okay, okay. Don’t get all bent out of shape. Let me think. Ok, how’s this? I want to move closer to the equator.”

“You want to watch a movie with Darth Vader? Why would you want to watch that? You’re not even into Star Wars!”

“I said I want to move closer to the EQUATOR…E.Q.U.A.T.O.R!”

“What? Why on earth would you want to do that? You hate extreme heat. What have you been drinking this morning? Kickapoo joy juice?”

“Oh so funny. Ha ha! Anyway, for what it’s worth, I hate heat but I hate extreme cold too. And, I have a good reason for wanting to move closer to the equator, that is, apart from my arthritis and psoriasis which flares when it’s cold.”

“So what’s the good reason for considering a drastic move like that at our ages?”

“Well, the thought was prompted by this article I’ve just read in IFL SCIENCE. It says that closer to the equator, I will weigh slightly less than I would at the poles. Like, if I flew from the North Pole to Kenya, I’d weigh 0.5% less upon arrival.”

“That’s not science, Martha! Of course, you’d weigh less because you wouldn’t be stuffing yourself with food over 20 hours of flight.”

“Yeah, but, I’d be holding tons of fluid. I always bloat on long flights. So that’s not the reason I’d weigh a little less.” 

“So, enlighten me then. Is there some scientific reason for the B.S. in that article?”

Yes, Mr. Know-it-all. There is. It has to do with the earth’s gravity. As you probably know, being a former science teacher, gravity across the planet is not uniform, just as the Earth itself is not uniform. Earth has a bulge at the equator…”

“You mean like that bulge you have just below your waist, love?”

“…and like the one you have just above it, Matthew Banter! Ooohh, sometimes you make me so mad. You know how uptight I am about my weight. I’m hung up on it and I have been for decades…and it’s all your fault!”

“My fault? How is it my fault?”

“Well, maybe it’s not ALL your fault, but it started when you and I first got together. You, of all people, should remember how insecure I was when we met. It so bugged me when you were always taking pictures of me.”

“I was always taking pictures because I thought you were so beautiful…”

“Well, that’s sweet of you, but I didn’t think I was beautiful. In fact, I quite hated myself and how I looked. My inner child was so convinced I wasn’t good enough the way I was. It’s taken years, along with lots of love from you, Matthew, and tons of ongoing positive self-talk to like myself more than I did then.”

“Oh, so that’s why you’re always talking to yourself?”

“Harrumph! Matthew Banter stop it. I’m being serious. But since you think this is funny, may I suggest that it seems to you that I’m always talking to myself because you can’t hear 95% of what I saying?”

“Okay, okay, don’t get your knickers in a knot, darling. So what were you going to say about why your hangups about your weight are MY fault? Or do I even want to know?”

“Probably not, but I’m going to tell you anyway, even though I’ve told you this before. It’s one of those selective memory stories you always forget right after hearing them.

“Go on. I’m listening.”

“So, way back when we started dating and I was head-over-heels in love with you and terrified you’d suddenly come to your senses and decide I wasn’t that hot after all…”

“Oh, Martha…you silly Billy…you were so hot I was burning!”

“There you go sweet talking me again, but stop interrupting or I’ll lose my train of thought. Now, as I was saying…at one point when my insecurity was at an all-time high and I needed a morale boost, I asked you what your ideal woman would look like.”

“Uh-oh. What did I say?”

“Well, without a moment’s hesitation, you replied your ideal woman would be a blue-eyed blonde about 5’ 7”, with very long legs, and a flat tummy!”

“Yeah, that’s about right. So what was the problem with that?”

“See, you haven’t changed, you insensitive dummy! The problem with that was that I was a 5’ 2” brunette with short legs, and a bit of a belly I could never hide! On top of that, every time you wanted to take a full-length photo of me, you’d always say, ‘ok, suck it in now’ love.”

“Well, that’s because you so often mentioned how conscious you were of your tummy sticking out. I knew you wouldn’t want it to show in the pictures. I wasn’t being insensitive at all. I was only trying to help.”

“Well, it didn’t help my self-esteem any knowing how I failed to match up to your ideal. I’ve never forgotten it.”

“Ouch! Geez, you’re really in a mood today, aren’t you! Is there anything I can do or say to make whatever’s eating you go away? Like, why don’t I make us a cuppa and we can have a couple of those nice butter tarts we got from Costco? You know…just a spoonful of sugar makes the…”

“…weight go up! Why would you even suggest something like that when I want to move closer to the equator just to weigh less?”

“Well, that’s just silly now, isn’t it Martha. Why don’t you just try the science that you know works, like fewer calories in and more energy out?”

“Matthew, do you have to be so logical? Do you know how many diets I’ve tried over the years? South Beach Diet, Atkins, Whole 30, Paleo, Keto…nothing works. The only thing I haven’t tried is starvation. I’m so fed up looking at those phony Facebook ads showing an old, out-of-shape duffer with a belly like mine squeezing herself into some kind of Spandex, then miraculously in the next slide she’s got the body shape of a 16-year-old!”

“Aw, come on love, snap out of it. So there’s a little more of you than when we met. There’s a bit more of me too. But I still love you just as much as ever.”

“You do?”

“Do you even have to ask? Look, come over here for a sec. I’ve just been looking at these photos I took of you on our honeymoon. Look how gorgeous you were with that long blonde hair…”

“…that blonde hair came out of a bottle! Pity they didn’t sell longer legs and flat tummies too!”

“Martha, I think my hearing aid batteries just died again. Or, did you just call us fat dummies?”