Witchetty Grub

Recipe #666 / Variation 091

Servings: 7 

Preparation Time: Varies (based on resistance of ingredients)

Ingredients:

• 1 eye of newt
• 1 toe of frog
• 150 grams wool of bat
• 1 tongue of dog
• 10 scales of dragon
• A pinch of dead man’s blood
• A drop of a virgin's tear
• 1 swollen, pus-filled witchetty grub for flavour

Preparation:

A. Acquire pre-selected ingredients from their natural habitats. Successful extraction requires careful attention to prevent accidental damage.

1. Newt

Net the Newt in a crumbling inner-city neighbourhood. Still in his teens, the Newt is most often found in the company of the local drug-dealing street gang he aspires to be part of. His watchful eyes make him a valuable resource; his fresh-faced appearance keeps him discreet. Optimal time to secure is while he keeps watch for the law and rival gang members outside a dilapidated apartment complex, casting furtive glances into alleys, his attention focussed on the addicts and intimidating shadows that wander and lurk there.

2. Frog

Fetch the Frog at the edge of an abandoned industrial rooftop on the outskirts of the city. Her athleticism and powerful, twenty-something year old legs have made her a viral sensation courtesy of elaborate self-recorded parkour videos, in which she scales buildings, leaps between rooftops and climbs towering structures. The tattooed, shaven-head Frog is at her most vulnerable while occupied with setting up her camera gear to record, having practised her jumps, tested the winds, and psyched herself up for a stunt. 

3. Bat

Bag the Bat in the darkness and privacy of her lavish bedroom whilst she slumbers in the soothing shawl of night. Her golden locks, the envy of all at her Ivy League University, will be glowing around her head like a halo on a Hungarian goose-down pillow, while she dreams of fame and stardom as a singer. Take care to wrap the Bat’s hair neatly around her head three times before removing her from her covers and spiriting her away through the unlatched window of her family’s Haven Heights home.

4. Dog

Drag the Dog from the smoking hut at the rear of a downtown comedy hall, where he smokes alone after a rough set. An up-and-coming stand-up comedian, his wit and sharp tongue are capable of cutting down hecklers with cruel precision. With thick skin but flimsy material, the Dog can be secured when the night sighs with disappointment, his smartest punchlines of the evening–the edgy, heckler-baiting insults–fresh on his lips. Unalert, his mind preoccupied with feelings of inadequacy, he will prove easy to batter and snare.

5. Dragon

Extract the Dragon from the dressing room of a seedy adult film studio, where she sits before a mirror, her reflection betraying the exhaustion in her eyes. Once a promising young woman, the Dragon is trapped in the heartless world she was forced into by debt and destitution, performing for cameras and men. As she waits to be recalled to set, white powder residue under her nose, flawless skin glistening under harsh lights, she can be subdued with a chloroform-soaked rag.

6. Dead Man and Virgin

The Dead Man and the Virgin can be obtained together from the Dead Man’s car, as it idles at the edge of a cliff overlooking the bay. The Dead Man will be fresh from a strenuous workout, basking in the admiration of the Virgin, a pleasant distraction. The infatuated Virgin, surprised to have secured a popular male’s attention, is keen to impress for validation. His cockiness and her insecurity are the perfect combination of toxicity, making them vital ingredients for the pot. As the Virgin is coerced to take things to the next stage, anaesthetic gas introduced to the vehicle through its exhaust pipe will render them ripe for the picking. 

7. Witchetty Grub

Remove from the stockpile in the larder, as previously instructed to prepare.

B. Once acquired, transport ingredients to cellar and confine. Take care to label correctly. Wrong identification will result in incorrect ingredients introduced to the pot, spoiling the potency of the broth.

C. Inflict sufficient emotional trauma over the course of twenty-four hours to ensure ingredients are primed. Fear and confusion should be present before proceeding. Screams, pleas for mercy and despair are key to achieving optimal tenderness.

Cooking Instructions:

Step 1: Eye of Newt

• Prep: Approach the Newt chained in a corner, his fearful blue irised eyes wide. His youthful terror and questioning of the rebellious attitude that led to him falling in with the wrong crowd when he could have stayed home with parents who offered love and tried to teach him right from wrong will serve as a solid base flavour.
• Marinate: Let him feel the knife’s serrated touch against his cheek, heightening his fear and emptying his bladder. Remain silent as you peer into his soul and exhale foetid breath onto his face. Smirk as you move the tip of the blade to the swollen, tear-infused bag beneath his left eye and start to shimmy it in. Allow the Newt to scream as you pierce the eyeball, making your black, crooked teeth the last thing it sees. 
• Harvest: Extract the eye swiftly ensuring it stays moist. Sever the optic nerve with teeth and drop the excavated eyeball into the cauldron of bubbling broth, allowing its partner to watch from the head it remains housed in.

Step 2: Toe of Frog

• Prep: Open the door to the cage of the naked Frog, whose legs twitch as they struggle against their restraints. Her death-defying leaps and infinite recklessness have been reduced to paralysis and nervous kicks. This now caged force of once-unstoppable urban adventure will add a tangy zest to the mix.
• Marinate: Trace a wart-covered finger along the side of a foot then over each one of her toes, drawing out a series of gasps. Let her realise that no jump can save her. As she shirks away, grab the foot firmly and place the blade against its biggest toe, making it quiver and curl. Watch the Frog’s face contort and savour her cries as the knife digs deep into the skin.
• Harvest: Sever the toe at the joint. Allow it to twitch in your fingers as she cries in pain, eyes locked on the almost insignificant but-oh-so important digit that aids with her balance. Drop the wriggling toe into the cauldron, letting its spasms add ripples to the broth.

Step 3: 150g of Wool of Bat

• Prep: Release the Bat from her crate and comb out her lustrous locks, tangled and matted from confinement. The scent of confusion and fear for her life is sickly sweet but the odour of her wounded pride outweighs it. Even in captivity, the Bat’s thoughts fixate on her unwashed hair, the long golden strands that are the source of her appetising appearance. 
• Marinate: Run fingers through hair, untangling strands with care and soothing the Bat with gentle shushes. Admire its lustre, appreciate its silky smooth feel, let your withered flesh tingle under its softness. Watch her grimace through tears, trying to coax out some mercy, then grip a handful of hair and yank back her head. Lift the shears and slide their rusted edges either side of the strands, savouring the scream that slips forth with the snip.  
• Harvest: Shear off ten handfuls of finest, silken hair and place on weighing scales until 150 grams of the Bat’s identity are harvested. Let her sob uncontrollably as she watches her beauty diminish, mourning the loss of her hair like the Frog mourns her toe. Toss the locks into the cauldron and stir, imbuing the soup with a peppery nuance.

Step 4: Tongue of Dog

• Prep: Leave the Dog tied to his chair, blindfold in place, but remove the gag from his mouth. His trademark smirk will be absent, replaced with the babbling pleas that come from an understanding that no witty repartee can save him. Allow him to lick his dry lips one last time, moistening them with the mock-yielding lubrication that gives them their tartness.
• Marinate: Let the Dog wield his words like weapons, shouting, cursing, trying to bargain with a devil. Stand quietly as he struggles against his restraints, powerless in the face of unyielding malice. When his adrenalin-fuelled vitriol falters, take his chin in a vice-like grip and tug his tongue from his mouth. Slide the shears over the muscle and ease them together.
• Harvest: Slice through the tongue, severing it cleanly at the base. Watch crimson blood spurt forth, filling the Dog’s mouth and coating his chin. The ragged stump will quiver as he chokes, his sharp tongue reduced to a useless lump. Toss the fleshy piece into the broth, seasoning it with the sourness of insults.

Step 5: Ten Scales of Dragon

• Prep: Remove the hood from the head of the Dragon, where she lies strapped to a metal gurney. Dark circles under her eyes mar her otherwise flawless skin and the exotic looks that brought her success. Her fingers tremble from the withdrawal gnawing at her veins while the makeup caked on her face fails to conceal the bitterness that came from a life she never wanted, bitterness that will add complexity to the brew.  
• Marinate: Stand behind the Dragon and caress her cheeks, pressing into plump, pillowy skin. Feel her body freeze as your nails scratch the surface, hear her breathing quicken as she wonders what new hell is about to unfold. No words will leave her lips, even when the razor is brought into view and left to hover over her nose, but the flicker of horror in her eyes will betray her terror. Bring the blade down and slice through her supple cheek like butter.
• Harvest: Carve five 1x3cm strips of skin from each cheek. As her flesh peels away, suppressed screams will at last fill the cellar, and blood will soften the dried-up makeup on her face. Drop each strip into the cauldron, watching as they sink into the broth, the beauty that defined her infusing the mixture with a savoury depth. 

Step 6: A Pinch of Dead Man’s Blood

• Prep: Circle the Dead Man as he dangles from a meat hook, kicking and thrashing. This man, this bully, this self-obsessed, so-called Alpha Male, who has spent his life stepping on others, viewing women as objects and treating people as conquests will add an acrid taste to the blend, which–when balanced with the richness of the other ingredients–will create something truly sensational.
• Marinate: Lunge from the front and use shears to cut his shirt from waist to neck. Expose chiselled abs and toned chest then replace shears with dagger and start to stab. Apply slight pressure at first, tenderising the flesh with shallow punctures, enough to extract delicate beads of blood. The Dead Man’s bravado will crumble as the jabs become deeper. Wait for the realisation that he can not escape to appear in his eyes, then draw the dagger back and plunge it with full force into his chest. 
• Harvest: Guide the blade through ribs into the Dead Man’s heart. Watch the fire in his eyes fade as his life-giving treacle spills out. With the dagger protruding from his chest, hold a tarnished teaspoon close to the wound. Wait for his last wheezing breath to rattle out then catch a drop of syrup in the spoon, drizzling it into the cauldron to add pungency.

Step 7: A Drop of Virgin’s Tear

• Prep: Release the Virgin from the cupboard under the stairs. Take her by the arm and drag her from the dark into the cellar. As her eyes adjust to the light, let her witness the gruesome sight of her dead boyfriend, hanging from a hook, blood beneath him. Marvel at the way in which she mourns him and howls in torment, her naivety and emotional dependency preventing her from seeing he is no loss, her saved innocence promising a nectarous punch.  
• Marinate: Stand back and let the scene unfold. Listen to the Virgin’s cries grow louder. Watch her collapse onto the cold, hard floor and crawl away. Witness her growing terror as her eyes go from eyeless Newt to toeless Frog, from hairless Bat to tongueless Dog, from red-faced Dragon to dangling Dead Man again then…to you. Approach slowly, sponge in hand, and dab at her tear-soaked cheeks. 
• Harvest: Allow the sponge to be saturated with untainted tears rich in sorrow, then leave the Virgin to curl up in a ball, covering her ears, squeezing her eyes shut, crying as she tries to deny reality. Carefully squeeze the sponge out over the cauldron, letting her essence and purity drip into the broth, enriching it with subtle, candied sweetness. 

Step 8: Witchetty Grub

• Drop the withcetty grub into the pot as a final garnish. Stir six times, cover, then leave to ferment.

Serving:

Decant the concoction into a jar. Screw on a rubber teat, sealing in its rich, aromatic flavour. Suck a single drop into your mouth. Feel your body shudder as the magic flows through it, transforming your hair and your skin, restoring your youth. Indulge a fit of cackling, your voice echoing through the chamber, then offer a word of gratitude as you depart.

Optional flourish:

Before leaving, kiss a spellcast crystal and roll it to the centre of the floor. In time, when the ingredients feel brave enough to assist one another, they will turn their traumatised gaze upon it, each seeing in it the future they have been spared.

The Newt: Murdered by his gang after failing as a lookout during a hit.

The Frog: Falling to her death as a result of an overly ambitious jump.

The Bat: Caught in a house fire, her hair igniting to prevent her escape.

The Dog: Stabbed by a heckler after an insult goes too far.

The Dragon: Overdosing to escape the life her looks keep her trapped in.

The Virgin: Dying at the hands of the abusive Dead Man.

-Extract from “Witchetty Grub, Edition 7: Recipes for Preservation Broths Using Humane Ingredients and Ethical Processing Methods."