Caesar Calls CMXI

Hello? Is this 911? I’m sorry, I’ve never phoned before as we don’t have phones in Ancient Rome.

A friendly time traveler handed me this device right before we imprisoned him for being an evil magician. I had no idea that if you pressed certain numbers you could talk to people. I just spent twenty minutes talking to somebody named Russell from a place called…Louisville? I have no idea who Louis is or why they named a place after him, but Russell is really having a tough time in his marriage. I suggested that he accuse his wife of being a sorceress and then imprison her, but he said that sort of thing is frowned upon in the future times.

Russell did tell me about you and how one may reach out when there is an emergency afoot. I did not perceive there being such an event on the horizon, as I am so beloved, but apparently some have only been pretending to love me while secretly resenting all the amazing attributes I feature.

I do understand how preposterous what I am saying sounds to you, 911. To think that a god could be resented by mere mortals simply for being a god. It is unfathomable to myself as well. Were it not for me, Rome would not be nearly as lustrous as it is now. I was the one who insisted on cooking all our meats for three seconds longer, which resulted in far fewer people dying of vicious stomach ailments. And that is merely one example of all the gifts I have bestowed upon my great empire.

Hmm?

Why, no, I did not start out as a god. You see, when someone is born exceptionally handsome and exceptionally intelligent and people are naturally drawn to them and all that they offer, they evolve into a deity presuming they’re also able to conquer most of the civilized world. I am the only person in history that has ever fit that description, and so, I am the only being that has ever transformed into a god.

One would think a god would have nothing to fear, but, you see, I am a special kind of god. A kind of--god among gods, so to speak. That means that, sadly, unlike other gods, I could potentially be destroyed by mortal men. Not mortal women, of course, they have no capacity for destruction. The most they can do is beat at your chest with their little hands and then fall to the ground exhausted. Those poor, sad, females.

The men, however, have been known to betray even those they once loved the most, and I fear that is what’s happening now. I was just getting ready for work when my wife informed me that she had a terrible dream that I would be slaughtered like a time-traveling magician if I left the house today. Oh, she did beat at my chest with those little hands and then fell to the floor, and I immediately stepped over her, because you cannot indulge such histrionics, but now I am standing at the door, and I fear she may be onto something.

You see, 911--a strange name by the way--I have this strange pain in my--

What?

A number? 911 is a number?

Then why are you not called CMXI?

Have people in the future forgotten how to count?

How are you meant to assist me if you do not even know how to count?

I was saying that I have this strange pain in my chest. A pain I normally only get when someone is attempting to kill me. I felt it quite often as I was waging war and enslaving innocent people everywhere. There was more than one assassination threat over the years, but I haven’t experienced anything like that since returning home safely and announcing my infinite tenure as Supreme Leader. People were so relieved to hear that I would be ruling forever. Any violence that may have been wished upon me was instantly quashed by the love a citizen has for his leader-turned-unstoppable force.

Now the pain is back. Is my life in jeopardy? Can you help me, CMXI?

If you are in the future, you must be able to investigate the past. Do you know what happened to me? Simply look up “Caesar” in whatever scrolls you have there. It’s spelled C-A-E-S-A-R. Some people spell it C-E-A-S-E-R, and I usually have those people killed.

Does it tell you my fate?

……What?

Oh that sounds…very unpleasant.

And how many did you say--All of them?

ALL?

Even Bru--

Wow.

Wowwwwww.

That is--Are you sure, because Bru--

Oh.

Oh wow.

Like I make a comment about it and everything? And he still goes ahead with--

Wowwwwww.

Now I wish I could go back in time and uninvite all of them to my birthday festivities. The audacity of those Senators. To murder their leader right there on the floor! Everyone knows if you’re going to stab someone, you don’t do it on marble. It could stain!

Well, the amusement is going to be squarely placed in their laps, because now, for the first time in my life, I shall listen to a woman. I shall stay home today and…do what men do when they do not go to work. I shall eat some sort of soup and watch as two of my servants play a game wherein they try and guess how much soap costs.

Thank you greatly for your insight, CMXI. Had I not spoken to you, I would have made a grave error that may have thrown an entire empire into chaos. Nothing good can come out of such bloodshed. That is why I shall refrain from being murdered, and send my guards to the Senate to murder everyone in sight. I won’t bother telling them to only kill the Senators since one or two may be out of uniform. Better to simply kill off the entire block. Maybe two or three blocks. A square mile? 

I just think one can never be too safe.