The click of heels echoed in the hallway of the hospital.
She wore a deep blue pants suit that was almost black, like the color of the ocean during a storm. Matching shoes strode confidently across the hallway and into the 8th-floor elevator. Her eyes were green, like old money. Long dark hair pulled into a high a ponytail tight enough to make your head hurt. She pushed the G button and waited for the doors to close.
The elevator went down a floor. The doors opened, a doctor walked in. The woman and the doctor exchanged a polite smile. She casually looked the doctor up and down, like a tiger sizing up their prey. He looked tired, bags under his eyes. His left leg limped slightly, possibly due to the ill-fitting shoes he wore. He smoked recently, he smelled disgusting. You would think a medical professional would not engage in that kind of self-destructive behavior. The elevator went down, the doctor left.
The woman, alone once again, relaxed. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to not slouch for 8 hours straight. Her eyes flicked up at the numbers above the doors of the elevator. It just pasted floor 5. She started to stretch, reaching her long limbs to the air.
Then the elevator stopped. The woman, mid-stretch, stumbled and hit her head on the wall. The lights went out, and the woman fell to the floor. She scrambled back into the corner of the elevator. From predator to prey, the woman cowered in the corner, afraid of a little darkness. She was hyperventilating. She tried to control her breath.
"Is anyone there?" She called out. I always thought it was funny when people said that, as though they thought someone would call back. "Someone help me!" She shouted and hit the doors of the elevator.
"Okay, it's only a power outage. Breathe, one, two, three." Eventually, her breathing slowed. Her eyes darted around as they adjusted to the darkness. Even then, she saw little more than the vague outline of the elevator walls.
She began to cry.
She was an image of confidence, a businesswoman. Now she was a bunny, a tiny, fluffy animal afraid of the unknown. She called out again, banging on the walls of the elevator, jabbing at the buttons on the panel. Mascara ran down her face and smudged across her face as she tried to wipe away the tears. It went on like that for some time.
When the woman finally gave up, she sank to the floor of the elevator and began to weep. Kicking off the tiresome high heels she wore, she stumbled into the corner of the elevator and waited. She thought of her phone and quickly dug through her purse to find it.
A bright beam of light cut through the darkness of the elevator. The woman quickly shielded her eyes from the sudden light. When she looked back at her phone, her eyes widened in horror.
"Dammit!"
Alas, her phone was at 3 percent. A simple yet rather dramatic dilemma the people of this day and age faced. "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!" she kicked the walls in a defeated fashion, "the one time!" She swept the flashlight around the elevator in a frantic manner.
Calm down...Breathe...In...Out...In...Out...
It went like that for a while, her trying to calm herself down. It did a little good, but when the light finally died she surrendered to the darkness.
God, oh god, oh god, why isn't anyone coming for me? That doctor, he should know I was here. Why did the power go out? When is it going to be back on? Dammit, I hate this...
I hate the dark.
Flashbacks are unpleasant things. When one experiences one, they usually have no control over the situation. Let alone know what's happening.
"Come on guys let me out!" she squealed, "it's not funny anymore! It's dark in here guys!"
"Aww, are you scared? Sissy!" Jake teased from though the closet door.
I have to admit, its a cliche reason to be afraid of the dark. But humans can be unreasonable more often than not, and it all seemed real to her.
"Please!" footsteps got quieter as her brother's friend left the room. "Let me out! Let me out!" Banging on the door franticly, she wailed into the door.
Tears started to pour down her face, smudging mom's lipstick as she wiped the droplets from her eyes. "Please..." she whimpered.
Going off the attitude of most toddlers, she gave up quickly. Most of them would wail for almost half an hour before getting tired or saved but a concerned though upset parent.
When the doors finally opened, she looked fairly ragged. Her pink unicorn shirt was wrinkled and damp. The purple tutu she wore was smudged with dirt and grime from the boots she sat on. Hair was messy and frizzy from leaning on the walls. Her face was blotchy and tear-streaked from an hour of silent weeping. Looking up at the face of her mother, she burst into yet another bout of tears.
"Ah!" she yelled, as she woke up. Jumping to her feet, only to hit her head on the sides of the elevator. Again. "Crap..." groaning, she stood up and stretched, feeling the sides of the elevator.
"Yeah, there was a fallen power line about a block away, the elevators will be out of service for a couple more hours." A muted voice said from...Below her?
"Here! I'm here! Help me dammit!" she shouted and banged at the floor. Yelling as loud as she could. "Help! Help me!"
"Do you hear something?"
"I'm here! Help me! Hey!" Banging as hard as she could at the floor. She hit so hard she hurt her knuckles.
"Oh my god, someones in the elevator!"
"Yes! Yes, I'm here! Help me!"
"They're above us, we need to get to the next floor so we can use the hatch at the top." Steps got farther away as they rushed to the stairway.
She didn't hear what they said. All she heard was people walking away. "Help me! No! Don't leave me please!"
It was like that for about 15 minutes. Although it felt like an hour to her. She cried like that until the hatch opened. Light poured into the elevator and she held her arm up to shield herself from the light.
The face of a man looked down on her, red hat and everything. Her face was blotchy and her pantsuit crumpled. Her phone lay cracked in the corner where she threw it out of anger. Her shoes were piled in anther corner and her small purse lay beside them.
She reached up and let out a choked cry.
"Thank you."
You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.
10 comments
Ooh, nice first story! I like the mix of real and flashbacks. Interesting. Oh, and you described her very well, in the beginning couple paragraph. Great job, Kyra! Keeeeep writing! P. S. I just posted a new story, if you wouldn’t mind checking it out!
Reply
Sure!! Thanks for the feedback!
Reply
When one experiences one, they usually have no control over the situation. Too many "one" to close together. I could use the old line, "There can be only one" as a mnemonic, but you would probably recall it anyone. A rewrite (if edits were still possible) might look like, "When experiencing one, people usually have no control over the situation." Very solid response to the prompt. Good imagery, nice description of the single character trapped, well managed transitions between scenes. I might have started with her being glad the doctor...
Reply
Thanks for the feedback! I admit the title is a rather bland, something I shouldn't overlook in the future. The reason I started the outage a little later is because I wanted to really make it seem like she was some big savvy business woman, and have her completely change the second it gets dark. But like you said, its personal preference. Thanks much!
Reply
I like how realistic this story is especially how emotional "she" is. There is a certain vulnerability in being trapped in an elevator, and I think you captured the raw emotion of that experience well.
Reply
Thanks!! There's a couple parts I don't like so I might go back to it but thanks for the feedback!
Reply
I like how realistically you depicted her panic attacks and tantrums. There's some underlying humour in this story that I found myself letting out one or two giggles at😉 especially when her phone was at 3%. When it happens to me, i feel like I just walked straight into a horror movie, but when it happens to others, it's funny because their reactions just make me laugh. This was very well written with great descriptions and a relatable MC. Keep up the great writing 😉❤
Reply
Thanks for the feedback! To be honest I really didn't mean to have any humor in it but I just can't deny the jokester in me!! XD
Reply
Hey Kyra! I liked your story so much that when I noticed the minor little twerks - some punctuation and some sentences that could have been shortened, and one or two repetitive details, I thought I would remember them, but I don't. Your abilities as a writer and a stand-up comic must have combined here because your expression, your detailed descriptions and just overall story was really well-done. Thanks for sharing. (Hate to ask on your feedback here, but if you ever have time to read anything of mine, I would appreciate it!)
Reply
Thanks for the amazing feedback!! I would be glad to read some of your work! Sometimes when I write I rush things and don't take the time to go over it again. I'll make sure I take the time in later stories!
Reply