The Magical Map of Marge

Before we begin, I want to set some things straight.

This is NOT my story, it’s HER’S. She gave me no choice in what happened and instead told me how it was going to go. Then she made everything worse. Infinitely worse. Like fire-breathing dragons and man-eating trees. Yes, trees. That’s what I thought as well, but trust me, you do NOT want to get involved in a philosophical argument with a tree that wants to eat you.

Are you done now Hank?

Oh. Yes, sorry, Annie. I’ll let you tell them about the time you ruined my life.

Don’t be so dramatic. If you hadn’t listened to me you would never have met Lizzy.

Well, when you put it that way maybe it wasn’t SO bad. But it was still pretty terrible.

Can I get on with the actual story now?

Yes, if you must.

Thank you.

Once upon a time, in a little village on the border of a forest, there lived a man called Hank.

Ok, hold up, it wasn’t ‘once upon a time’, it was two weeks ago! And Woodhaven is not THAT small compared to Horsebrook. Now THAT’S a tiny village.

Hank, shut it. Ok, let’s try this again.

Once upon a time, two weeks ago, there was a slightly small village called Woodhaven and it was quite close to a forest. In the village, there lived a man named Hank. Now Hank was a simple man who enjoyed simple things, but one day he began to think of other things outside of his sheltered village…

~ ~ ~

One day, Hank, a simple farmer, was sitting at his dinner table, thinking about all the magical tales his realm had created and spread. 

Wait a sec, Thought Hank, I was thinking about selling Bessy, not about stupid knights going on pointless adventures! Where did that come from?! Hank was a bit puzzled at first, but he soon realised that he wanted something more than the monotony of farm life and began to crave adventure.

Well, if you consider a nice, short walk in the forest ‘adventure’… He thought and then set out for the forest, where his destiny awaited him. 

He had been walking for a few minutes when he came across a small hut. It was wooden and scruffily put together. It had a little door on one side that was slightly ajar, with small scritch, scritch, scraaaatch sounds coming from within. Hank was curious so he ventured closer to the door, pausing and listening as the sounds stopped. The door cracked slowly open and in the doorway stood an old, wrinkled woman, clutching a reed pencil. She beckoned to Hank and he gingerly stepped forward, following the woman inside when she turned and sat down.

“So,” The old woman said in a voice that sounded like sandpaper, “You have come at last. I was wondering when you would drop in again. So nice to see you, Hank, how’s the cow?” Hank sat on the chair opposite her and looked at the little table by the side of her chair.

“Well, Bessy’s not giving as much milk any more, so I was thinking of selling her. Do you know any good places to sell her, Marge?” Said Hank, dusting his trousers off.

“Oh, yes, I think I know just the place.” Marge shuffled through some of the papers on her desk and finally produced an old and wrinkled map that looked much like her. “This should do the trick. It is one of my finest maps, and it should serve you well.” (Thank you, Marge, for getting us back on track) Hank took the map out of her claw-like hands and studied it.

“Yeah, this should be fine. Thanks a lot, Marge, do you want me to pay you in money or in labour?” Hanks said, getting up, and preparing to go.

“Oh, you don’t need to pay me, just bring it back once you’re done. I sometimes like to model some of my other maps on that one so do hurry.”

“Okee-dokee, thanks again, Marge!” And with that, Hank strode purposefully out the door and set off down the path in the wrong direction.

This isn’t the wrong way, Hank thought, My house is this way, it’s always this way. Hank, however, hadn’t consulted his map from Marge, but once he did, he realised he was indeed going in the wrong direction. So off went Hank, his map and the lint in his pocket the only things he started his journey with.

He walked for a few miles and then stopped to rest. His soft feet weren’t used to long walks so he had to rest for a while. While he was resting, however, something else was not.

“Hey! Human! Do you want to come over here?” Said a voice from seemingly nowhere. It was rough like bark but odd in an old kind of way. The voice sounded as if it could be hundreds of years old.

“Are you talking to me?” Hank asked, looking around for the speaker.

“Yes, you! You’re the only human around, aren’t you? If there is another one though, could you call them over as well? I wouldn’t mind two.” By the time the voice stopped, Hank had noticed that it was coming from a crack in the bark of a weathered-looking tree. He stepped in front of the crack and realised that there were two branch stumps above it, giving this side of the tree a rough face-like picture. 

Hank warily approached the tree, looking around for anyone else in case he might need help.

“You, uh, you wanted to see me?” Hank said cautiously.

“Yes, if you are willing, I would like to decompose you.”

W-what?!” Hank quickly took a step back, almost running into another tree. It was a forest after all.

“I said, stupid human, I would like to decompose you. You look very nutritious and I haven’t seen anyone pass along this way for a while. If you could just step a bit closer, I might be able to reach you with one of my branches…” The tree trailed off, stretching one scraggly branch out towards Hank. Hank took another step back and hit the tree behind him.

“But what if I don’t want to be eaten?” Hank asked, eyeing the outstretched branch warily.

“Well, that would be disappointing for me, but it wouldn’t change your fate. All things decompose at some point, and by doing it here and now, you would be doing both of us a favour. You see, you would know exactly how and when you will die and I will get a lovely meal out of it. A win-win for all! Now, just take two steps forward and all of this will be over in a minute or two.”

“But what if I still don’t want to die? I’m not one of those people who wonder when and how I’ll die, I just get on with life! And if I’m not mistaken, I’ve still got a rather big amount of life left! Is there anything else I can give you instead of me?” The tree thought for a moment, or it looked like it was thinking anyway.

“Hmm, well, you could give me a leg or two, or maybe one of those delicious-looking arms! I’ll leave it to you to decide which one.” Hank stared in horror at the bloodthirsty tree.

“Um, I’m quite attached to my arms, both of them, and I need my legs to walk back home, or to wherever this map is taking me so is there anything ELSE I can get you that isn’t me or any part of me?” The tree considered this and then spoke.

“You could give me your map maybe. I think I can sense magic on it and magic maps are VERY good for the mycelia. Or you could just give this whole pointless thing up and come over here where I can reach you.”

“I think I’ll stay over here, thanks very much. And no, you can’t have my map either. You see, it’s not really mine, I’m just borrowing it from a friend. And she would be terribly disappointed if I told her it was eaten by a tree.”

“Oh. I see.” The tree said, a little put out.

“Um, there are a lot of dead leaves just over there that I can bring you if you want?” Hank said cautiously, not wanting to upset the tree. The tree made a sound like a sigh (if trees can sigh).

“Yes, I supposed that must do. Thank you, kind human, for still trying to feed me even though you have decided to leave your fate to a later date. Ooooh, that rhymed! I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it! Aha! And that rhymed! Oh, I think I’m getting hungrier. I always make terrible jokes when I’m hungry.” After that little comment, Hank hurried over to the pile of dead leaves, carrying an armful over to the tree. Hank was still very careful to stay a safe distance away and only threw the leaves at the tree. They fluttered down to the base of the tree and they stayed there for a few moments and then suddenly they fell apart, sinking into the ground.

“Well, good day, Mr. Tree, I’ve really got to be going now, I think my destination is not far.” So Hank set off. He looked at his map, which indeed indicated that his destination was not far. He travelled the path he had been travelling until the path abruptly cut off. There was a dence bit of forest in front of Hank, so he guessed that the path-makers could not get through it. He decided to see if he could make it through the bushes, evergreen and undergrowth because the path might continue after the thick bit.

When Hank eventually pushed through the thick bushes, instead of a path, there was a clearing with a huge tower in it.

Oh great. Hank thought, walking around the tower and seeing if there was a door. There wasn’t, as per usual although Hank did see a little shuttered window at the very top of the tower.

“Hello?” Hank called up to the window. There was a muffled crashing sound and the shutters flew open, revealing a flustered-looking maiden.

“Who are you?” She called out, sounding a bit annoyed, “If you’re here to save me, I don’t need it.”

“Uh, I’m actually not sure what I’m here to do, but I wouldn’t know how to save you even if I was here to do that. I’m Hank” The maiden frowned.

“That doesn’t sound like a very princely name. And you definitely don’t look like a prince.” She said, leaning further out of the window and studying Hank.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment. You’re right, I’m not a prince, but if you wanted to see one I could try and find one for you?” Hank offered, still very confused as to why he was there.

“Oh no, I don’t want another prince, I have one already you see, he’s just under an enchantment. You don’t happen to be a good wizard, do you?” Hank shook his head. The maiden looked disappointed.

“I see.” Then she took another look at Hank. “Wait, is that a magic map?” She said, leaning ever FURTHER out of the window. Hank rushed to the side of the tower, hoping he was in the right position to catch the maiden if she fell.

“Uh, yes it is, but could you please NOT lean out quite so far? It really is a long way down and I don’t think your prince will be very happy to hear that his maiden had fallen out of her window.” 

“Oh, yes, sorry, I just… if that really is a magic map then you can find the cow!” She shimmied back, still partially hanging out of the window. Hank took a step back but stayed close just in case.

“Wait, did you say cow?” Hank said, frowning up at the maiden.

“Yes, there is a magic cow whose milk can un-enchant my dear prince. You must find her and bring her to me so I may give my price a drink of her magical chocolate milk.” Hank frowned harder and scratched his head.

“I’m sorry to disappoint, but cows don’t give chocolate milk, I’ve lived on a farm long enough to know that.” The maiden rolled her eyes.

“Yes, I know that too, but this is a magic cow! It can give whatever milk it wants! Ugh, just consult your map and bring the cow back!” The maiden slammed the shutters shut, more muffled bangs and clangs reaching Hank below.

“Fair maiden, can I ask your name so that I know who I am bringing the cow to?” One shutter opened a bit.

“My name is Lizzy, and I’m not a fair maiden! I’m a princess! Why else would I be waiting for a prince?”

“Sorry, my apologies, Princess Lizzy! I will find your cow now and hurry back to your lovely tower.” Hank was starting to get the hang of this adventuring thing. He looked at his map, which now showed the way to the cow and set off. A path had appeared to one side of the tower and Hank followed it until he came to a small village.

As Hank emerged from the forest, he saw a sullen man walking towards him. The man was holding a rope which was attached to a brown cow. Hank approached the stranger, appraising the healthy-looking cow that followed him.

“Hello, I’m Hank. That’s a fine-looking cow you’ve got there. How much are you willing to sell it for?” Hank asked, thinking of his own, dry cow back at home. The stranger looked up miserably.

“Oh, you wouldn’t want this cow, no one wants her. I’d be willing to sell her for one silver piece at this point. I just want to get rid of her.” Hank frowned.

“But why?! She looks like such a lovely cow!”

“The thing is, no one wants a cow that gives chocolate milk! Even I don’t want it anymore. Do you know how gross chocolate butter is?” At this Hank’s eyes lit up.

“Wait, did you say chocolate?” He asked excitedly.

“Yes, I did. I suppose you don’t want her anymore?”

“No, no! I’d love to take her off your hands! How about I pay you one piece of gold, but I don’t have anything with me at the moment, I’ll have to return. What’s her name?” Hank was practically jumping for joy. He couldn’t believe it! A perfectly good cow for almost nothing? And maybe bringing home a magic cow will inspire old Bessy!

“Her name is Lizzy, and that sounds like a fine idea. Pleasure doing business with you!” They shook hands and the stranger handed over the rope with Lizzy on it.

“Oh, one more thing,” Hank said, petting Lizzy fondly, “What village is this? Just so I know for when I return.”

“Oh, this is Horsebrook, it’s called that because of the brook that wild horses sometimes visit near here. I hope your journey goes well!” And then the stranger turned to leave, waving a jovial hand goodbye to Hank. Hank, with a smile on his face, turned also and returned to the path he had just come from, hoping the journey back wasn’t going to be too long.

Soon enough, Hank saw the thick bushes surrounding the tower's clearing, but this time, the path cut straight through them. He led Lizzy into the clearing, yelling up to the princess that he was here with the cow she had requested. The shutters flew open and out popped the head of Princess Lizzy, her beautiful golden locks falling about her face.

“Oh, good you’re back. I can call Prince Connor now. CONNOR!!!!!!” She yelled, her face screwed up with the effort. Hank and Lizzy, both Lizzys, waited. And waited. 

And then there was a big, far away, ground-shaking THUMP. Then another. And another, each one sounding closer than the last. Suddenly, a bright red dragon burst into the clearing, causing Hank and Lizzy (the cow) to scream in alarm. Ok, the cow didn’t actually scream, but she definitely let out a distressed 'mooOOOO'!

“Oh, Connor! I knew you’d come! Here, darling, don’t eat them, they’re here to help! FARMER! Feed my poor prince some of that magical milk right away!” Princess Lizzy said sternly. The dragon that was Prince Connor looked at Hank and Lizzy the cow curiously, watching as Hank fumbled and called up to Princess Lizzy for something to catch the milk in. Lizzy tossed down a cup and Hank quickly started milking Lizzy (the cow). When the cup was full, Hank looked at Princess Lizzy for instructions.

“Right, put the cup near Connor and then move back slowly. He might think you’re food otherwise.” At that, Connor let out a belch of fire and smoke, causing one of the nearby trees to burst into flames. Connor quickly stamped it out though, so there was not much harm caused. Hank placed the cup down gently, backing up slowly as Lizzy had requested. Connor bent his head to sniff at the cup and then in one bite ate the whole thing. A bit of smoke started coming out of his nostrils.

Then there was a huge puff of smoke and when it cleared, there was no more dragon. Instead, there was a finely dressed prince, in bright red jacket covered in gold detail.

“Ah! My Princess Lizzy! Thank you for un-enchanting me! And thank you, farmer, for the great service you have done my kingdom. I will rescue this lovely princess and then you must tell me if there is anything I could possibly do to repay you.” The prince said in a big voice.

“There really isn’t anything you can do for me, your Highness. All I want is to go back to my farm and see old Bessy again.” The prince nodded and Hank looked at the map, the final destination now his beloved farm. Hank waved goodbye to the lovers and set off down the path, headed straight for home with a magic, chocolate-giving cow in tow.