So Here I am

My Life on Mars

So here I am on Mars, the first human to live on the red planet, and right now the only one. Not bad for a guy who doesn’t generally like to travel, and never did well enough in science and math at school to seriously consider becoming an astronaut. I will be here on this planet for the rest of my life. And I’m feeling now that is not such a bad thing. I would not have thought that a year ago, when I had no idea that there were Martians, that they could come to earth, and certainly not that they would want to take me to their planet.

My neighbours, of course, are all of them Martians, and we are getting accustomed to seeing the weirdness of each other. Why two eyes, they must think, just as I wonder why they have one, a very big one in the centre of their head. And don’t get me started in trying to figure out why they have three legs and feet. But we are definitely getting along together fine. All I have to do is tell them stories about life on earth. That is my main purpose for them here, the reason that I was kidnapped. After 72 years, I have a lot of such stories to tell them. And the ones I talk to have picked up much of my language, much more quickly than I have theirs. Put that together and we have meaningful communication. We can talk.

And they have a great sense of humour. I thought that they would never stop laughing when I first told them about the anal probe expectations of many humans concerning what visiting aliens would do to them. They made a sound very much like our ‘ewewewewewew’. And some of them still, when they see me, make that sound and patter with their three feet in a rhythm that is their version of our laugh.

The Flight to Mars

The flight to Mars took much less time than I imagined that it would. Not that I had ever thought much about it before. I reckoned when we were taking off that I would die of old age on the way, be ejected into space as debris, and burn up if I re-entered earth’s atmosphere. I put a lot of imagination into this on the day of our takeoff.. But it was only a matter of a few days travel to get us here. The Martians mimed ‘faster than light’ to me in ways that I would eventually understand. .

They made sure that I was well fed along the way. Before we took off, they had slubuggled (a Martian word that is hard to translate exactly, the -ed I added) McDonald’s and had taken all the French fries and hamburgers that were there. As I was with them, I picked up some mustard and ketchup. 

On board I had to explain to them with many hand gestures that the French fries and hamburgers had to be heated to be eaten, and the plastic mustard and ketchup containers were not part of the meal, but had to be opened up. They used their laser rifles to achieve both ends.

I Get Captured

The day I got captured, it was a slow day at the Senior Centre, and it wasn’t even lunch time yet. I liked the hour we spent singing, but playing cards bores me, I get angry easily at puzzle pieces, and I will not do yoga. My old school socialization as a male forbids it absolutely. So I went outside with a book I had brought with me ‘just in case’, and sat on a bench at the front of the building.

It was then when I first saw one of the Martians. He or she (I could not tell the difference then, but I can now; take a close look at the third foot) was hiding in the small, treed area beside the Senior Centre. My eyesight is not the best, especially when I am wearing my reading glasses, but I was still able to spot the large eye.  The third foot attached to one of its three legs I would see later, when I discovered that it was small (therefore he was a male - later reflection).

Although curiosity doesn’t kill the cat, it’s just alliteration, like dead as a doornail, it can lead to a potentially dangerous situation. This was the case here. I put my book down, and walked over to the strange creature I had just seen, wondering whether I had let my imagination run away with me, as I was so bored.

It wasn’t long before I realized that what I had first perceived was accurate. What’s more, there were several of them in the same place. And they could move fast. Three legs helps that way. In a matter of seconds, they had grabbed hold of me, and took me to their ship, which they had cleverly covered with leaves, it being early November. Once it was uncovered, I saw that it looked remarkably like one of Elon Musk’s Starlight satellites.

I would later learn that one of their reasons for hanging around the Senior Centre was that they wanted to ‘collect’ (loose translation) a senior to tell them the stories that I would later supply them with. I am glad they got me with little trouble, and did not have to slubuggle the place like they did the McDonalds later on that day.

A Wistful Day

So here I am. It is a wistful day in late October. I am sitting on my comfy chair on the balcony of my apartment. I am watching what appears to be one of Elon Musk’s Starlight satellites flying through the early evening sky – a beautiful sight. It made me think of all the adventures that I had hoped to have in my life when I was a boy, adventures inspired by my reading of many science fiction novels. But these adventures were never to be. How did I let myself be content with the relatively uneventful life that has been mine to this point? How did that ever happen? Well, I am 72 now, an old man. It is too late now for me to have adventures. I will have to be content to drift into the darkness of my remaining days on earth.