Until you can see me

Unexpectedly someone without life, still manages to live on in my dispassionate heart and shine even in the absence of light, as bright as the stars tonight. As I stare at the glimmering stars through the vandalized window of my room, I wonder how the slightest of her memory can arouse in me, an unusual feeling of despair and force me to cry as foolishly as I can, in this significant moment. Later when I will recover from these hysterical fits, I will surely laugh at my helplessness, but for now I cannot bring myself to pick up the gun and commit the deed. My mother keeps coming to stop me.

There is a sudden knock on the door and I know that the officers have already arrived.

“Open up, don’t play smart. You are under arrest”

I know that my gang loves my passionless stance and indifferent ways. They even call me the best bandit but they must have forgotten to tell me that I have made more enemies than friends and a vulnerable death will always await me.

“No! not so soon” I mutter under my breath as I grab the gun and leap towards the window. As the officers strike endlessly at the door, I jump out of the window, only to find myself rolling over the soft quilt that I had laid earlier, especially for the purpose.

Under the dusky sky, I dart on my highest speeds as the police officers chase me. It is not long before I totally outrun them and find myself leaning upon a tree, in an isolated village, panting for breath. With brisk motions of my hand, I pull out my mobile from the pocket and start hunting for numbers.

“The number you have dialed is not answering, please try later”. In absolute panic I scroll down all the numbers and try each one of them but deep down my heart, I know it is useless. All my life they said they loved me and even though I sensed their deception, it never bothered me. But it did trouble me now, for one can never conceal the pain of a betrayal.

“You know why I feel sorry for you”. I remember my godfather had asked me, the day he took me under his care. Even as a nine-year-old orphan, I had felt the intensity of his words. They were harsh and there was no reply to them but I knew he was all I had in this world and his question evidently was to be answered.

“Maybe because I lost my mother”. I said hesitantly as he glared at me with wistful eyes. He then slowly nodded in disapproval

“No, it is because I plan to make you a prosperous man but I am going to take from you one thing, that you will regret to give me when you grow up.”

His words are constantly vibrating in my ears while my eyes start welling up with unwanted tears, bringing with them some unwanted memories. I recall my mother telling me,

“Son when you grow up, don’t try to become wealthy. You must have heard that behind every successful fortune there is a crime.”

For a mere second, mother’s death feels like a relief. At least she is not here to witness what I have become.

“Over here, I have found him” one of the officers is shouting at the top of his voice. I intend to run away but they have surrounded me and will capture me any second. But it seems like they don’t plan to capture me. One of them is already pointing his gun towards me and firing it.

“Ouch” I can feel the bullet penetrating into my body and I yelp in absolute pain.

“A criminal never dies at the hands of law; he dies at the hands of his own men when he tries to deceive them”. A familiar voice hits my ears, it is extremely berating and cruel. I can see godfather standing at a distance, deeply enjoying my shrieks and my suffering. From the look of his face I can tell that he knows what I am up to. He knows that my twenty-seven-year-old heart is plotting to run off from the misery of evil and he will never let me go. But I am already exhausted from the numerous sins that have heaved me. I desire to discard my gun and my wickedness yet there is one more murder I wish to commit.

With immense thrust, I grab my gun and shoot at him, and the officers fire at me in return. Hence one way or the other the gun do belong to me, the only thing I know that was never meant for me, is happiness, it is something I regret giving away.

The last thing I can hear, is the whispering voice of my flinching godfather, which is clearly reflecting the pain of the wound inflicted on his left leg.

“It is better to die as a normal man. Sinners like you and me don’t even have decent funerals. No one is there to cry for you, son. But don’t you worry I will always mourn you.” He gives out a loud chuckle, forgetting for one trivial moment that blood is furiously shooting out of his leg and life is draining out of him gradually.

As the stars radiate even brighter, no wonder why the darkness descends upon me, like a heavy winter snow and I lay there, listening to the slow melodies that my mother is singing to me. She is calling me up to the stars, where I believe all the dead ones go. But I forgot to ask her, which star she lives on. It always troubles me to forget the address of my destination but “It’s alright” I tell myself. I have already spent a lifetime looking up at the stars, I don’t mind spending another waiting for her, until she can finally see me and assure me that this one happy moment of my life is not a dream.