Bertram Fuller's School for Sea People

Bertram Fuller refused to teach civics. He saw no need for it. The sea people had no need for government or governing. When Fuller showed up that fateful July morning shortly after dawn, they thought he was a god. A lesser god, yes, but still a god. A god given to them by the sea. Fuller was wearing his customary sea travel uniform--velvet shorts, a white shirt modeled after the architectural leisurewear that was all the rage in Paris, and a very small hat. He had been looking for the Isle of Dove, but the rough waters and unpredictable currents had led him to Isle of Fuller instead. It had no name before Fuller landed on it, but as soon as he did, it began to bear his name. The people of the island were Fullerians, but he simply called them the “sea people,” because they loved the sea as much as they loved the alabaster sand that covered their beaches. Fuller had a crew of twenty-four when he showed up, but most of them died from Isle Fever within a month, but the explorer barely noticed.

He had more important matters to address.

The first thing he did was instruct the natives to build a school. Fuller was a believer in education. Back in Holland, he had invented Skewed Mathematics and taught it to the prince. That was how he gained favor from the King. He lost favor when the prince proved to be inept at most things, but especially Skewed Mathematics. The King of Holland would have had Bertram jailed, but the Prince felt that the Dutch jails were too nice for him, and so he suggested to his father that they send the skewed mathematician to go look for the Isle of Dove, knowing full well there is no Isle of Dove. It was merely a legend told to children of Holland, but Fuller didn’t know any of this, because he had no children of his own, only the children he taught, and children do not often tell their teachers about the fairy tales their parents tell them.

The assumption was that Fuller would die at sea along with his crew, who were all convicts busted out of the (very nice) jail so that they could accompany Fuller on his voyage, and (hopefully) perish alongside him since so many people in the country were committing crimes in order to land in jail since most of the lower-income homes in Holland at the time were much less appealing than the jails thereby leading to overcrowding. Fuller discovering the Isle of Fuller was strictly happenstance, but he found it to be a delightful happenstance. Custom dictates that he should have written to the King to let him know about this new island, but Bertram wanted the island to himself. He didn’t know it, but his greediness saved his life, since the King would have sent a small warship to take the island from Fuller, rename it the Isle of Socks (after King Socks XI), and murdered Fuller in front of the natives to scare them into obedience.

None of that happened, and Fuller did not rule the way the King would. He didn’t want the natives to cower in front of him. He wanted them to know the things that he knew. He wanted them to have agency. After instructing them to build a large hut (and an even larger hut that he could live in), Fuller began to teach them Skewed Mathematics, the History of Holland, the History of Bertram Fuller, the New Benevolent Ruler of the Isle of Fuller, Home Economics, and P.E.

Skewed Mathematics immediately proved too difficult, although the natives were better at it than the Prince was, and after reconfiguring the syllabus to include Basic Math, Mostly Basic Math, Not-So-Basic Math, and Advanced Math, Bertram saw a noticeable improvement when the time came to teach Skewed Mathematics again. By then, he had been on the island for nearly a year, and he had christened his education hut Bertram Fuller’s School for Sea People. His students were only men, because Bertram believed that teaching mathematics to women could only lead them to sin, but they were allowed to take Home Economics, the History of Bertram Fuller, and every third P.E. class, because it focused on tennis. The tennis court that Fuller had the natives carve out on the sand was sloppily done, but they did the best they could.

None of the students excelled at everything, which is why Fuller wouldn’t designate a valedictorian at the end of the first semester. He didn’t believe in participation trophies. When one of his students took it upon themselves to present a project on agricultural techniques involving lagoon water and palm soil for extra credit Fuller expelled him from the school. He wouldn’t tolerate rebellion when he had worked so hard on his syllabus. He believed that learning had to happen on a path, and that path had to be carved out by a Knowledge Master. Fuller was a Knowledge Master--He was the Knowledge Master. He wanted the sea people to learn enough to form a proper society where they could all live in harmony with each other, and with no need for a government. With enough math, Fuller believed, government would be rendered obsolete.

Despite his refusal to teach them how to create collective rule in some kind of hierarchical-yet-communal infrastructure, the natives approached Fuller one day after an exam on his teenage years had concluded, and asked if they could have an election.

Fuller was apoplectic. Who had taught them the word “election?”

As it turned out, there were several books on Fuller’s boat. It had been docked down by the lagoon, and the student Bertram had expelled had taken it upon himself to board the ship in the hopes of finding a weapon he could use to assassinate his former professor. Instead, he found a book called O Glorious Democracy! The expelled student’s reading level was still quite low, but he managed to piece together the necessary gist of the tome (all three thousand pages of it), and he returned to Bertram Fuller’s School for Sea People with a plan in place. They would hold an election to see who would be God of the Isle of Fuller. If Fuller lost, he would be returned to the sea without his ship where he would most likely be eaten by sharks. If he won, he could proceed with his teachings even though Home Economics was proving to be very difficult on account of there not being any stoves to cook on or knitting needles with which to make tea cozies.

Bertram wanted to demand that they forgo an election until after he had graduated his first class, but the sea people were insistent that they wanted to do it right away. They had a big test coming up in Skewed Mathematics, and an election would postpone the test. No matter who they voted for, what they were really in favor of was more time to study.

They held the election over the course of a long, hot morning. Fuller voted for himself for God of the Isle. His competition was his expelled student, who wanted to name the place Bermuda. What a stupid name. Fuller was sure he wouldn’t win. The boy could spend the rest of his life giving lectures about lagoon water to the wild boar for all Fuller cared. Once everyone on the island had voted (aside from the women), the tallying began. It was only after Fuller had been declared a loser than he suddenly regretted teaching the sea people how to count.