Science Fiction Funny Indigenous

“What’d I tell you, mate? Best fucking sunset in Straya!”

“Too right, mate. Never seen anything like it. It’s magical.”

“One hundred ninety-eight feet deep, mate. Do you know that down there in the middle of the crater, there’s acacia and eucalyptus trees twenty-six feet high?”

“Crikey. That’s deep.”

“Yeah, nah mate. Deep ain’t even the word. Three hundred thousand years old but wasn’t discovered until nineteen fucking forty-seven! That’s how remote this place is.”

“Yeah, mate. You could die out here.”

“You could die anywhere, mate.”

“Nah, yeah. Fair point.”

“What’s more, is that this rim we’ve parked the Ute on, is another thirty meters above ground.”

“Yeah, I was going to mention that, mate. We alright parking here? I mean, it is a National Park. There must be rules.”

“Fuck that, mate. Who’s gonna tell us to move? Park Rangers? See any around?”

“Nah, yeah but aren’t we encroaching on local spiritual ground?”

“The only spirits I’m worried about are the tins of Wild Turkey in the Eski.”

“Yeah, nah. I’ll stick to beer, mate… Must have been one big fire storm when that meteorite hit.”

“A fifty-thousand metric tonne piece of rock travelling at fifteen KPS, Whump! Right in the middle, down there. Second biggest crater on the planet.”

“Wot’s KPS, mate?”

“Kilometers per second, mate. About as quick as you were on Alice Dutton that night behind our school gymnasium – all those years ago.”

“Never touched her mate. Nothin’ but a myth.”

“Not according to Alice Dutton. You never wondered how you got your nickname?”

“Wot, Speedo? That was on account of that fine I got for going sixty in a school zone, while wearing nothin’ but budgie smugglers; then crashing through the school gates, after I lost control from doing burnouts.”

“Yeah, nah mate. Think again. Yous were all hyped up that night, coz you just lost your cherry after rooting Alice, then went off on one, like a frog in a sock.”

“What I lost, was me wheels. Had to settle for me bicycle and rides from you, after I was banned from driving for six months.”

“Yeah, I remember. You sulked for weeks, like you’d had your favourite toy taken away from you and crushed.”

“Had to start all over again with L plates.”

“You always were the reckless one, mate. I reckon if you could have driven a meteorite back then, you’d have crashed it into this place.”

“Nah, yeah. At 15KPS, I reckon I’d have gone down in history as the first human to have caused a mass extinction of life.”

“Yeah, mate. You would have been the one responsible for completely wiping out the Kangasaur.”

“Yeah? Nah… Wot’s a Kangasaur?”

“A bit like that herpes you caught from Alice Dutton that night.”

“Wot? Oh, fucking funny, mate. I never kissed her, anyways. That was just a cold sore, mate… Was there really a Kangasaur?”

“I suspise not.”

“Wot’s that word?”



“It means to be suspicious of, when in doubt.”

“Like the word, Reckon?”

“I reckon.”

“Well, I reckon that’s another of your made-up words.”

“Good one, though, yeah?”

“Yeah, nah mate.”

“Wot? That belongs as a permanent entry into the Urban Dictionary.”

“What’s an urban dictionary?”

“It’s a book of sayings and words that young cunts make up, trying to change the English language. The official term is called, Crowdsourced.”

“Fucking Millennials. Why can’t the drongos just leave the English language alone.”

“Yeah, keep things in the status quo. Don’t change our tongue, mate.”

“Nah, yeah! Status Quo, mate! Down down, deeper and down.”

Get down, deeper and down.”

“Fucking Coles commercial!”

“Yeah, nicked that from the annals of great songs, didn’t they.”

“Yeah, nah. Came out of someone’s arse, that’s defo for sure. I reckon people who write tv commercials have no clue about creativity.”


“Well, they’re either shouting at you to listen, or they get some Bogan to save money by employing their family members to act in the commercial. Might as well use wooden planks as actors. They’d be more convincing.”

“Yeah, specially in the hardware store commercials.”

“Nah, yeah. Put a cap on a two-by-four, draw some eyes, a nose, and lips on it, and film it with someone talking off camera, like We’ve got bargains galore at Bunnings! I Wooden lie, haa!

“Yeah, or like, Don’t let the sawdust settle on your barbie, cut yourself another stake.”

“I reckon you’ve got a future in tv commercials, mate.”



“Time for a little Slim Dusty?”

“Why not. Got coverage for iTunes?”

“Yeah, mate. Two bars. Here, listen to this. A pub with no beer.”

“Classic, maaate!”

“So, how long till sunset?”

“You know how to tell?”

“Yeah, nah.”

“Lift your hand in front of your eyes and position your index finger at the top of the sun, then count how many fingers down to the horizon. Each finger counts as five minutes. How many can you count?”

“Half a finger.”

“Then, it’s almost time to get a cardie and trackie dacks on, mate. Once that orange ball disappears, your apricots between those tender thighs of yours, start to contract; and your donger shrinks. It’s the law of the desert.”

“What law is that, mate?”

“The, It gets fucking cold at night, law. Throw us another stubbie before Slim starts singing Waltzing Matilda.”

“Cheers, mate.”

“To the end of the day, cheers.”

“Fuck, it gets dark quick when the sun goes down.”

“Yeah, nah, the orange glow across the horizon will be our night light for a bit.”

“To Slim Dusty!”

“To craters in the sun!”

“Does the sun have craters?”

“Nah mate. It’s a hot ball of bubbling gases.”

Maate! Is it my imagination, or is that hot ball of bubbling gases returning?”

“Stop blithering and keep drinking, you clown.”

“Take a look, mate.”

“Fuuck me. You’re right!”

“And does it look like it’s getting brighter and closer, like it’s heading right towards us?”

“Nah, yeah. What is it?”

“Dunno. But it’s taken on the colour of the landscape as it moves across the horizon.”

“Yeah, but it looks like it’s right in front of us.”

“It seems to be hovering above those Acacia trees in the middle of the crater.”

“Mate, you hear the sound of a didgeridoo playing somewhere?”

“Yeah, but it sounds like it’s playing on my phone with Slim Dusty.”

“He never used didgeridoos, did he?”

“Dunno, but Slim’s stopped singing. All I can hear is the haunting sound of that didgeridoo.”

“Mate, look. The sun is dimming, and it looks like a… door is opening on its side?”

“Yeah, nah mate. It’s a ramp and someone’s walking down it.”

“Wot’s he look like?”

“Dunno, the light behind him is too bright for a lengthy sticky beak.”

“He’s heading towards us. Is he… fucking floating in the air?”

“I suspise he is, mate. Wait, he’s waving at us, like he wants us to go to him.”

“What-cher reckon?”

“I reckon we have no choice. That didge is filling up my head and I can’t think much.”

“Nah, yeah. I hear it too. Streuth! He’s a…”

“Nah, yeah mate. That explains why this place is so important to the locals. It must be how they got here in the first place.”

“Let’s go say G’day.”

“He says only one of us… me, to be more specific.”

“How’d he say that. I didn’t see his lips move.”

“He’s in my head talking between the didge breaths.”

“How’s that possible?”

“Dunno, mate, but he says stop talking. You’re upsetting the trees.”

“They’re all the way down in the crater. How am I upsetting the trees?”

“He says you’re standing on their roots.”

“Don’t get too close, mate.”

“Nah, yeah. It’s okay. He says he has an important message for me to relay to you.”

“To me?”

“Yeah, mate… Okay, got it. Will do, mate. I’m coming back.”

“Where’s he from?”

“Dunno. I reckon he’s a local.”

“In a spaceship?”

“Nah, yeah. He mentioned something about being on patrol. But that’s not what he wanted me to tell you.”

“So, what did he want me to know?”

“He said that you can’t park here. It’s reserved for official vehicles only. And that the no parking sign must have been blown down by the wind.”

“What No Parking sign?”

“He says, the one that says Alien parking only. Violators will be abducted.”

“He’s acting a bit of a Galah, ain’t he?”

“Yeah, nah mate. Says he’s run out of fingers and toes to count the number of times idiots like you park in his spot. Says you’ve got two fingers in which to move your Ute.”

“Two…? Oh…”

“Yeah. Ten minutes, mate.”

“You hear that? The didgeridoo sound is fading.”

“Yeah, mate. He says his shift is over in ten minutes and you don’t want the next ranger to see someone parked here. Otherwise, it will be abduction and you don’t want that.”

“How come?”

“He says, because your clacker will be probed with all kinds of objects. Some, not so smooth that will make your little freckle look like a sore haemorrhoid. He’s gone from my head, now.”

“Yeah, and his ship is heading back over the horizon. What do we do?”

“Move the fucking Ute, mate.”

“Think we should head back to civilisation and tell someone about this?”

“Yeah, nah mate. Who’d believe us?”

“We just saw a UFO, mayte!”

“Yeah, nah. I can see it, now.  Scuse me Constable. Where do we report an aboriginal man flying a spaceship in the bush? They’ll drug test us for sure.”

“Yeah, nah. We don’t want that.”

“Nah mate.”

“Okay, fire up the barbie, while I move the Ute. I don’t want to provoke any alien probing me nuggets.”

“Yeah, nah mate. Another stubbie?”

“Yeah, nah. I reckon it’s time for the Turkey. Bring any Coke?”

“Nah, yeah. But the wrong kind.”

“Well, at least it will keep us awake to watch the sun rise over the crater in the morning.”

“Too right, mate.”

“What a night!”

“Yeah, mate.”

Alien parking only. Who’d-a-fucking-thought…?”

September 05, 2023 07:46

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.


Amanda Lieser
03:51 Oct 06, 2023

Hey Chris! Oh, and adventure in the desert! I have to say that my favorite exchange within this piece was the one centered around urban dictionary because I thought it was incredibly clever and funny. Sometimes it’s difficult to understand what the next generation is all about, but the fact that you were a writer, writing about words in that exchange was absolutely wonderful. I also thought that the story ended on such a wonderfully humorous note. Nice work!!


Chris Campbell
14:11 Oct 06, 2023

Amanda, Thanks for the great feedback. This is part of a series of Aussie-centric tale telling. I'm still waiting for the Urban Dictionary to use my interpretations.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Jenni Bradshaw
20:40 Sep 10, 2023

Crikey! That was a real stupor there, mate! Born an American but I suspise I'm an Aussie now, mate! Cheers to figuring didgeridoos are made of eucalyptus wood, down in the pit of that crater there, yeah! 26 feet long at that!? Strewth! Yeah, nah mate! I reckon one of them blokes is named Leslie, yeah!? Might as well be a Sheila! Better shut me pipes before the drongos tell me to park it elsewhere. Dardy post, mate! Loved that the aboriginal park ranger seemed more like a True Blue and was a bit more of a Larrikin rather than straight te...


Chris Campbell
23:20 Sep 10, 2023

Too right, mate. Good on ya for sending me some great feedback.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Helen A Smith
12:44 Sep 10, 2023

Hi Chris Absolutely hilarious. I was literally cracking up reading it. Great imagery and dialogue and as with all great comedy, you smashed it with the timing.


Chris Campbell
14:35 Sep 10, 2023

Thanks, Helen. Much appreciated. So glad to have made you laugh.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Kevin Logue
10:52 Sep 09, 2023

Alien aboriginal park rangers, marvellous. I'm now away to look up the melange of new words you've presented me with ha. P.S. no one in work even understood I was insulting them by calling them Cosplayers.


Chris Campbell
14:01 Sep 09, 2023

Thanks, Kevin. Hilarious on the Cosplayers comment.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Tom Skye
08:43 Sep 09, 2023

Haha the Aussie bantz was strong in this one. Amazing job setting a scene like that with only dialogue. A throroughly enjoyable read and very very funny. Great job


Chris Campbell
14:02 Sep 09, 2023

Tom, Thanks for the great feedback. So glad it tickled your funny bone.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Delbert Griffith
13:08 Sep 07, 2023

Damn, Chris, you have a gift for Aussie dialogue. Any dialogue, really, but this was splendid. I know this because I didn't get all the Aussie dialect - but I did get enough to make me laugh and spit out my coffee! LOL Great take on the prompt, my friend. I suspise that you had fun with this one. I think I really liked how the guys were commiserating about how the language was being changed by Millennials when they also had a part in changing the language. I suppose every generation feels that way about the change in our mother tongues. Ver...


Chris Campbell
03:55 Sep 08, 2023

Delbert, Thank you for more great feedback. I had to do a little research into Aussie slang, as even after 12 years here, I'm still learning new things. Glad you picked up on the irony in the changing our language commentary. As always, English continues to evolve with each generation. Thanks for reading it.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Michał Przywara
23:03 Sep 06, 2023

Heh :) I was wondering what people would come up with for this prompt :) An amusing story, and "suspise" - a new word! It's always a good day for a new word. The action in this one is clear, which is crucial for dialogue only. Pretty impressive, when the UFO action starts.


Chris Campbell
02:13 Sep 07, 2023

Thanks, Michal. Would you believe that when I tried to add "Suspise" to the Urban Dictionary, it was already there? I still submitted my version for review, along with "Kangasaur." Thanks for the great feedback.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
17:07 Sep 06, 2023

I love your dialogue stories Chris! Great fun , brilliant writing as always


Chris Campbell
02:14 Sep 07, 2023

Much appreciated, Derrick. I do enjoy the dialogue writing. Cheers!


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Michelle Oliver
12:22 Sep 05, 2023

Yeah nah mate. Bloody coles commercial is ringing in my head now. Thanks! You have a gift of bringing the Australian accent to life in written form.


Chris Campbell
23:56 Sep 05, 2023

Thanks, Michelle. It's a new skill. I hope I don't overuse it. So glad you liked it.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Kay Smith
16:46 Sep 09, 2023

This made me feel so American. I had to stop and look up words quite a few times but wound up laughing my ass off at this pair! Your back and forth dialogue is on point! Really hysterical story!


Chris Campbell
03:08 Sep 10, 2023

Kay, Thanks for your great feedback. It's like learning a new language. So glad to have made you laugh.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Nina H
15:35 Sep 07, 2023

These two are so delightfully crass! I almost want to go hang out with them!! (Almost… 😂) This was great, Chris, and so funny! I don’t have the imagination to tackle the Sci-fi prompts. You do so well with them!!


Chris Campbell
14:03 Sep 09, 2023

Nina, Thanks so much for your great feedback. Sci-Fi is one of my big interests, but I'm still learning to write in that genre. So glad you liked it.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
AnneMarie Miles
13:22 Sep 05, 2023

I love when stories can be told through pure dialogue. And a wild one at that! Very original and a great approach to the prompt. Those aliens sure must get frustrated about us taking their spots...


Chris Campbell
23:55 Sep 05, 2023

Thanks, AnneMarie. I do enjoy writing dialogue-only pieces. So glad you liked it.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Mary Bendickson
08:52 Sep 05, 2023

Bad sun rising. Thanks for liking my 'Kneaded Touch'. And my 'All in a name'


Chris Campbell
09:17 Sep 05, 2023

Indeed. Thanks for reading it, Mary.


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply