The Other Suicide Note

Please don’t do it.

Don’t do it because I am your father, and I am supposed to protect you. When your mother first told me she was pregnant, I quit smoking. I quit that very day. I needed to live a long life. I needed to provide a home where you would live and clothes you would wear and food you would eat. I needed to be there to teach you how to throw a baseball, to fish, to shave. I needed to be there to listen and to give advice and to hug. 

Don’t do it because I have so much more love to give, so many more stories to tell, so many more days to share with you. Don’t do it because even though you may not feel it now, I need you. You teach me as much as I teach you. You teach me tolerance and forgiveness and compassion. You allow me to see the world through your eyes, eyes that hurt for others and see those who are unseen. Please don’t do it because you are at the beginning of a wonderful story, not the end of a painful one. 

Please don’t do it.

* * * * * * * * * *

Please don’t do it.

Don’t do it because I am your mother. I knew you before anyone else. I dreamt of you when I was just a girl. I knew one day you would come, and then, just as I’d hoped, I felt you stir inside my womb. I shared my heart and my blood and my strength. I told you stories before you could hear. I sang you songs just so I could feel you move. I told you of the future you could have. I was there for your first breath of life. I held you to my chest so you could continue to feel my heartbeat. I fed you with milk from my body. Then I changed you and cleaned you and fed you again. I answered your cries in the middle of the night and held you until you slept. I loved you enough to protect you when you were young and to let you fly when you were ready, but I will always be your mom. Don’t do it because today isn’t tomorrow. What is now is not what will be. There is hope even if you feel hopeless; there is good even though all you see is evil. There is joy beyond the pain. Don’t do it because you have so much more to give this world. Your voice soothes. Your presence comforts. 

Please don’t do it.

* * * * * * * * * *

Please don’t do it.

Don’t do it because I am your brother, and you are mine. I was only three when you were born. I asked mom and God for a friend and they gave me you. You are the person who taught me to share. You taught me about selfless love. We fought with each other, but we were always a team. No one fought you without fighting me, too.

Don’t do it because you are supposed to be my best man, because you are the best man I know. When I fell, you picked me up. When I was lost, you guided me home. We’ve done chores, and homework, and we’ve always done them together. I was your first friend and you were mine. I am your big brother and I am better because of it.

Don’t do it because I know there will be more times than I can count where I’ll need your love and support and help. Don’t do it because it’s my turn to help you. It’s my turn to love you, to pick you up, to carry you. You are never a burden to me because you are my brother.

Please don’t do it.

* * * * * * * * * *

Please don’t do it.

Don’t do it because I am your best friend. We have laughed together and cried together. We have played and fought, but we always worked it out because friendship is forever. We have mountains to climb and dragons to slay. We have successes to celebrate and failures to overcome. We have mistakes and amends to make, and we need to make them together. Together we have been boys, and together we will become men. You are the person I tell all my secrets, the one person I know I can trust. You thought you could trust me. You shared your greatest burden, and I listened to you because that’s what friends do.

Don’t do it even though you hate me. You hate me because I revealed your secret, your plan. I promised you I wouldn’t, and then I did. I told because I had to, because you are my best friend. I made a choice. I would make it again and again. I would sacrifice our friendship because the alternative is unthinkable. I did it because I know in my heart that you would do the same for me.

Don’t do it because nothing will be the same without you, and together we can make everything better.

Please don’t do it.

* * * * * * * * * *

Please don’t do it.

Don’t do it because I didn’t say “no”—I said “not now.”

Don’t do it because our time is coming. We are and will always be a we. That will never change. Please don’t do it because there is no vision of my future that doesn’t include you. I am the bird that comes back to your hand. Of this I am certain. You were my first date and my first kiss and my first love. There are so many more firsts I want to share with you. So many roads we have left to travel, so many sights left to see.

Don’t do it because even more so than firsts—I want all the lasts. I want you to be my last date, my last kiss. I want you with me on my last day. Please don’t do it because we have plans—plans that can only happen together. Please don’t do it because if you do, it can't be undone. Please don't it because the end of you would be the end of me.

Please don’t do it.