Searching for Him

Submitted into Contest #88 in response to: Write a fairy tale about an outsider trying to fit in.... view prompt

16 comments

Mystery Teens & Young Adult

WARNING: this doesn't fit the prompt. It's a story that I had to write for school (humanities class) so if anyone has any suggestions to make it better then PLEASE fire away! I really wanted to share this with you guys and I also really want a good grade(so please comment suggestions and/or ideas!) THANK YOU :D

Thanks to CJ for letting me use your name for the main character ;)

My name is CJ and I’ve been searching for my brother who was kidnapped 2 years ago. I managed to get away but my brother didn't. I am so afraid that this guy will come back for me. That I will get kidnapped by him. I am a 19 year old detective in Paris. While most people see the beauty and lights I see the dark allies and mysterious streets.  

Today is January 3rd 2013. I’m headed to my favorite coffee shop, Hot Tea and Lattes. Then I walk out of the little coffee shop and turn left. I see a person, a man staring at me. He’s dressed in all black and standing in front of a dark, mysterious alley. I walk towards them and they do the same. My mind tells me that this is not a good situation, so I turn around and run to hide behind the coffee shop.

  I poke my head out from behind quick enough to see them walk into the shadowy alley. I can hear rats and crows with the faint sound of the cars driving. After what felt like walking forever, I finally saw the sun light. While my eyes adjust to the light I stretch like I just woke up. Everything looks prettier on this end of the alley. One of the first things that I noticed was this coffee shop or small, abandoned building across the street. Right after my eyes adjusted I had seen the man in black run in there. 

I slowly walk into the scary, mysterious, abandoned shop. The windows of towering apartment buildings seem to be staring at me as I walk in. I hear nothing and see nothing in the darkness for a minute. Then I hear the floorboards creak and someone’s footsteps. The light came on really quickly and I could see someone in a black coat and black pants, with a (black) hat. I like this guy’s style but, I have no idea who he is!  

He took off his hat and I almost cried. It was my brother! But why would he… then someone else walked out from a corner. I know who it is by the loud and slow footsteps. It’s the kidnapper, our step father. I never liked him anyway. I knew he was trouble. He slowly claps his hands like I’m just finding out something that was obvious the whole time.  

I walk towards him and do a roundhouse kick, knocking him to the ground. He makes no noise while he stands up and attempts to punch me. Lucky for me, he sucks at punching and kicking. I punch him in the nose and he falls to the ground. I am not sure if he is faking it and trying to get my attention or actually knocked out. At this point, I feel brave not afraid anymore. I call the Paris Detective Department(PDD)so they can come get him.  

I rush over to my brother, Colton now 14 years old, and hug him. The hug seems to last forever. I am in tears and he is… so different. I haven’t seen him for 2 YEARS. That's 730 days. I am now realizing how lonely I was without him. How bad I felt that he was gone.  

When the PDD finally arrived they said that we would be fine to leave, as long as I stayed with my brother and didn’t let him go. First I called our mom to tell her I’m coming to visit. We’re going to surprise her that Colton’s finally home. Me and my brother, finally united. Walking hand in hand down a street, of a city I never loved.

2 MONTHS LATER…

I moved out of my mother’s house and I have a small apartment in Paris. I decided to move to the better part, the prettier part. My brother is back in school and all of his friends are so happy to see him. One day, him and I visited his old teachers and they were SO happy to see him. They were in TEARS. 

I am so happy that he is home and his kidnapper is in jail. He will rot in jail for as long as he needs. He deserves it. After tearing our family apart, he should be sad, not for us, but for his actions. The things that he did. And you know what? I’m not afraid anymore. I feel mentally stronger.  

Colton visits my apartment every once in a while. He also likes to hear about the detective cases I work on. It interests him! Maybe one day, he will work for the PDD like me!  

I can’t believe he’s almost 15! Oh, how the years fly by! Soon, he’ll be going off to college or whatever he wants to do! Start a business, write books… It’s almost sad that I missed 2 years of his life. He missed baseball games where he probably would have hit a home run! Halloween, birthdays, Christmas, parties and so many more things! It’s crazy how 2 years can feel like forever. And fears can be concerned. You just have to believe in yourself, and that you can do it!

Please, as I said at the top, leave a comment! Tell me what you think, what I should change, if it was good or not, if I should restart and write a completely different story, but please no down voting! Thanks :D

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April 07, 2021 18:05

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16 comments

~~~ (Lol)
18:19 May 09, 2021

Lo this is Saph from our other account XD Should we keep this account? Or deactivate it? Because I forgot the password to it (so I reset it) and no one really uses this. And the email that we use for this account is kinda getting spammed with reedsy emails o.o Should I deactivate it? <3 :)

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Lauren K
21:17 Apr 08, 2021

Did anyone like it? PLEASE let me knowwww ~Lonely, Lauren

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ℂ𝕁 𝕄.
21:36 Apr 08, 2021

I like it! I like how the man in black was your brother. I think the story is pretty much good. The only thing I would say is that the plotline is a bit rushed, but sometimes it's hard to think of how you could make it so it's not so rushed. -CJ

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Lauren K
14:41 Apr 09, 2021

aha! thanks for the feedback CJ!!

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ℂ𝕁 𝕄.
14:41 Apr 09, 2021

No prob!

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Sapphire ~♚
21:58 Sep 26, 2021

⭐ :)

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ℂ𝕁 𝕄.
20:00 Sep 19, 2021

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ℂ𝕁 𝕄.
13:05 Jun 04, 2021

⭐ Read your bio!

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Lauren K
19:57 Jun 04, 2021

Thanks CJ :)

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ℂ𝕁 𝕄.
02:14 Jun 07, 2021

No prob!

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You're leaving? Why? It's oaky if you have to, but please keep writing. Your stories make me smile.

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Lauren K
03:20 May 14, 2021

Hello! I am so glad that these stories make you smile! I will try and write a few more stories, but with my school year coming to an end and just starting Hybrid it may take longer than usual. I will write one soon so keep an eye out!

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Great! Your stories are really good, so even if you take a really long break I'd like to see another one sometime. That's fine, though, I took some time off recently.

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Merry Marcellino
11:39 Apr 26, 2021

This is good Lauren! You have a good start! Look at your use of that and all. I have problems with that too. If you read the sentence and you don't need "that" take it out. I want to know more. More detail. Keep writing! Good idea for a story.

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Lauren K
18:26 Apr 26, 2021

Thank you for the feedback! It's really helpful!

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Merry Marcellino
18:22 Apr 28, 2021

You're welcome! Do you plan to add to this story? I think it would make a great book! You could add more detail and background.

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