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Coming of Age Creative Nonfiction Sad

This story contains themes or mentions of suicide or self harm.

There are things I've done that I am not proud of. Working until my body says "That's it, we're done." Awake until sleep deprivation gives me a punch. The things I deal with living month after month.


My problems are in my head like Donald Kimball. Interviewing suspects of a disappearance to see who's at fault. Laughing along, knowing they can't recall. Events are out of order, as if you've hit a brick wall.


I wish I have the bravery of Doug White. Annoyed at life for manipulating everything's alright. Lying about opportunities for those who are polite. Livid about innocence that I am unable to write.


Depressed and confused from lack of sleep. Forcing my eyes so I can remain on the street. Going berserk from amplified thoughts Mariana Trench deep. Agony visits to bring you to your knees. Ignore the demons to find peace in ways that are unique. Listening to music with the A/C blasting became my technique. It's been 50 hours since I last slept, and I lost track of what I can't keep. This is a rough example of how I'm starting to cope every week.


Talk is cheap because opinions are expensive.

Be careful in public because everything is offensive

Our bodies survive by instinct and being defensive.

We die to live, but according to everyone, it is what it is.


It's sad because I failed to do everything by the book.

Putting my feet in the water and losing my foot.

Yet I kept quiet and smiled as I would.

Hopeless with no choice but to push.


Work, invest, save, and diversify. Success was verified. Markets crashed and I held onto hope and pride.

Broke with late payments, breathing intensifies.

Couldn't deal with reality I've contemplated suicide.

No need to be alive it was told by my mind. No not this time so I rhyme to set the pain aside. Applied a guide to provide and survive. Try to be kind even when denied.

I cried at my prime I don't want to describe. Let the phone chime as my thoughts rewind. Putting pressure so that I can't decide. Let's face it I'm here so I didn't die.


I work four jobs, and it's still not enough. Maybe soon I'm better please don't judge. Sliding around as if I'm a hockey puck. Just got the last job so I'm possibly in luck.


A warehouse Manger, Uber driver, shipping associate and a writer. Joining contests whenever possible as long as I can enter. Making decisions oblivious to what I can acquire. God knows money is difficult to come by although I'm no finacial advisor.


Two days of being away from home. Working until I can officially own. Deal with enough pressure I can practically be a stone. Life is hard for everyone ignore the ones that say they don't.


I lost everything I had. All that's left is my car. I have to trade what I love as my passion drifts apart. Need to get a Toyota or Lexus and be smart. Deal with life not giving me what I want.


In the bathroom with hot water against my back.

The steam elevates above the shower curtains as I reflect on my past. Smashed like glass unable to keep intact. Debt made itself known as I deal with the impact.


I can't write because my body can't function.

Lacking dreams and rest, physical destruction. Love, at first sight is a fabrication. You crave things you assume are essential, putting unesssisary priorities up front.


I tried to let my boss understand and request an advance. He turned the blame onto me and didn't give my side a chance. Said "I am not a bank" and had the audacity to shake hands. Posioned by anxiety and fustracted on where I stand.


I made a poem for the guy but he's not the type. Reject words that came from the soul. Damn that's what a cut to the artery is like. Bleeding out as I climb back up on that bike. On the trail of life as the IRS is trigger happy which isn't right.


I didn't even do my taxes because I didn't save enough to pay it. Stuggling to be optimistic and starting to run low on my patience. Hospital bills, Insurance, food and Immagration. Can't forget rent, gas, loan and car payments.


I don't know what to do so I work my way around it. Sleeping like a bullfrog I'm no longer a rabbit. Mentally exhausted from seeing the world in tinted glasses. Stress consumed me as anguish has me surrounded.


The older you get, the fewer people you trust. Lose your energy and age like rust. We tease and strip to spark lust. Do what mammals do and claim it's real love.


The govemment shot my dreams and it ricocheted to my ambition. Searching for a notepad for my salvation. Jot down everything as if it's for education. Hallucinating will destroy you with medication. Time is disrespected like poor navigation. Have my obervations penned for other's appritiation.


At this point I am like a standard wallpaper. There with no attention nor decore. Irritable and tired all dried out like a used sharpie marker. Hopefully getting by so I don't end at God's Acre.


Stuffing my spirit with buoyancy. Weak on the eyes from waking up so early. Kiss my girl knowing life doesn't guarantee. Doing my best although many will disagree.


I try to tell myself that I am okay for better or worse. Stetching optimism and pray that it'll work. Healing my cuts and bruises like a good nurse. Moving foward literally but techanlly in reverse.


Turning at every corner usure on the destination. We clear checks which all goes to inflation. Cautious and afraid as if there radiation. Making poems because it's an obligation. Writing less and less as if it'll fade from existance. Listen to music as my body relaxes from the vibration. Trying to get above the surface because I am behind on my payments. Jumping into situations hoping for a better location. I can't lose myself due to seeking redemption. I have no choice but to hug sleep deprivation.

April 14, 2023 01:07

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32 comments

Martin Ross
20:02 Jul 19, 2023

I love the rhythm and flow of your writing. It helps intensify my emotional engagement and the sense of the narrator’s mind. Great work!

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Daniel Fernandes
12:39 Jul 26, 2023

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and taking the time to read. This poem was created while dealing with sleep deprivation. Sucks and would not wish it on anyone. Nevertheless thank you for enjoying my work once more.

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Martin Ross
13:40 Jul 26, 2023

I think the phrase in vino veritas may also apply also to sleep deprivation. But you’re right — I had extreme insomnia in the ‘80s, and while my work stayed consistent, I made kind of a mess out of personal things. I hope you can find the answers to get the sleep you need and want. Take good care of yourself, and keep sharing your creative gifts — you have a strong mind and soul. My best to you.

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Daniel Fernandes
20:34 Aug 17, 2023

Thank you for that phrase I might use it as a reference in a another story I liked the concept. Yes insomnia will turn your life upside down. Thank you for your kind words and liking my stories. Maybe with time things will look better. I have been getting better sleep lately so that's good. Wishing the best for you as well.

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Molly Sullivan
18:41 Jun 04, 2023

Hello! Thank you for liking my story! This is really amazing. I could feel everything so clearly and your descriptions are amazing! I read your bio and I also love music and writing. The rhyming is something I could never do so well, haha. Amazing job!

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Daniel Fernandes
12:46 Jul 06, 2023

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Your story was wonderful. I am glad that you enjoyed my work and also love music and writing. Keep that pen moving. Rhyming is something I do for fun, I love the challenge. Once again I appreciate the love. Much love, write on!

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Richard E. Gower
20:31 Apr 20, 2023

Clever....,I do so like clever.-:) Cheers! RG

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Daniel Fernandes
12:42 Apr 25, 2023

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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Joe Smallwood
19:14 Apr 20, 2023

Hi there Daniel, thanks for liking one of my stories which becomes such a greater compliment after reading one of yours! OK, I'll be honest. I didn't like the ride, but the ending was pure gold. I just finished a stream of consciousness piece that made me sick, I swear, so it can really bite. So kudos to you! Keep it coming, and one last note: What is it with stream of conscious anyway? You just want to rhyme and rhyme away to the point that you wonder if it is ruining your writing! Please tell me. I would like your take on it. All the best!

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Daniel Fernandes
12:51 Apr 25, 2023

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Your story is amazing as well. I appreciate the kind words. I have always written stories/poems with a stream of consciousness. I feel that it helps make the emotions feel more organic since you are telling a story in first person perspective. Taste, smell feel all the pain or sadness or even joy in a single moment. The rhyming is a challenge I enjoy doing, Trying to have a story flow correctly and get the right point across without having the rhymes looked forced is something I enjoy doing ...

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Helen A Smith
16:29 Apr 18, 2023

Hi Daniel A great way to write about sleep deprivation. I like your rhyming and the way you bring to life the difficulties and stresses life constantly throws at us. Somehow we get through, but it doesn’t always feel like living - like there’s something missing. Writing seems like a real release here. Keep developing and finding a way forward.

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Daniel Fernandes
20:43 Apr 18, 2023

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Sleep deprivation is just hell. Being at war with the body and not being in control of sleep. Fighting to keep it awake. I am pleased that you enjoy my work. I have also made a book that released last month if your interested the info is in my bio. Thanks once again for providing feedback. Much love.

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Viga Boland
15:50 Apr 17, 2023

Ah Daniel…you’re back with another marvellous set of sensible lyrics. Just amazing how you churn out those rhymes and lines all the time. These 4 are my favourites for their quotable quotes: Talk is cheap because opinions are expensive. Be careful in public because everything is offensive Our bodies survive by instinct and being defensive. We die to live, but according to everyone, it is what it is. Yes siree!

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Daniel Fernandes
20:49 Apr 18, 2023

Thank you for coming back once more. I appreciate you taking the time to read and share your thoughts. I got used to the rhymes. It's harder to make a poem without than with the rhymes for some reason. Writing in a certain way for about a decade just get used to the style I guess. That's one of my favorite stanzas as well. I like how you pointed those out. Glad that you had fun reading it. I also just released a book last month and it's available on Amazon. I have the info in the bio if your interested. Much love. Write On!

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Viga Boland
21:45 Apr 18, 2023

Good luck with your book. Exciting time for you. How well I remember the first time I published on Amazon. Then another 6 books after that. But it’s all about promo…just like themusic biz: talent is 10%; the rest is marketing. Hope you have book talks planned? I also made up my own YouTube trailer. That trailer continues to bring watches and sales. Nearly 30,000 views to date.

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Daniel Fernandes
12:41 Apr 25, 2023

Thank you. It is satisfying to have a book on Amazon. I would love to make a new book. I can with all the new poems/stories lately I have written. I was about to find you on YouTube which I salute to. I have no idea how to market and with working to much the sales at the moment is at a standstill. I would love to try a book talk. Congratulations on your progress.

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Michelle Oliver
12:12 Apr 17, 2023

Your writing captures this cyclic situation that is highlighted by beginning and ending with sleep deprivation. The problems you describe seem to be spinning far out of the narrator’s control emphasising this cyclic idea. The rhythms of your words captured this too, with the repeating rhymes. I notice this is tagged, creative nonfiction, and you have very cleverly and clearly communicated the distress and pressure of this to the reader. I think you can be very proud of these lines, -“Going berserk from amplified thoughts Mariana Trench dee...

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Daniel Fernandes
21:01 Apr 18, 2023

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I have not been able to write a lot lately being of working so much. I wanted to explain and show how going through sleep deprivation messes with your mind. I can only write for me but I feel many would understand. Thoughts of suicide, difficulty staying awake, and being in your head just makes it hard to even be optimistic. That line when I wrote it had to take a couple minutes to digest because I surprised myself with how deep it was. Thanks for pointing that out. I have released a book...

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Lily Finch
13:48 Apr 14, 2023

Hey Daniel, I see this is creative nonfiction. It may be autobiographical or about someone you know: I am here if you need to chat. I do know that writing about it is therapeutic. So like a colleague said below, "Keep writing, Daniel." I found this story sad, yes. But the lyrical rhyme made it intriguing. I enjoyed the sense of MC always tenaciously muddling on. Most people would relate to this community's mentions of debts, work and writing. So you are not alone, my friend. One suggestion or areas you may need to look at, Our bodies surv...

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Daniel Fernandes
20:01 Apr 14, 2023

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Yes this is creative nonfiction. I am going through it myself trying to make ends meet pretty much. Sleep deprivation is horrible. I would not wish it on anyone, Even my enemies. Writing about it is therapeutic and helps distract the mind even when your in your head and not thinking straight. Yes a sense a hope that things will change. Helps keeps you going for another day. Thank you for mentioning I am not alone. Sometimes I write for that reason. Many people are afraid of speaking about ...

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Douglas W. Carr
14:48 Apr 19, 2023

I felt the mispelled words added to the story and in support of sleep depivation.

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Daniel Fernandes
15:03 Apr 19, 2023

Thank you for noticing that. I wanted to have a few misspelled but did not want to throw people off from the idea. I was more afraid of the reader missing the point and correcting me instead of putting two and two together.

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Mary Bendickson
13:24 Apr 14, 2023

Thanks for reading through and liking some of my scribbles. I have been trying to get to more of yours, too. You have such a poetic style and the stories express such raw emotions. My hope is they are good therapy for your soul.

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Daniel Fernandes
19:41 Apr 14, 2023

Thanks for reading and taking the time to read and comment. I have a book as well I released late last month. It's in my bio if your interested. Your stories are well written as well I enjoy reading them. Thanks for the kind words. Yes the poems/stories is great therapy for me and helps me heal many issues that I come across. It's crazy the power a pen and a sheet of paper can do. It's saved me to be honest with you.

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Mary Bendickson
06:52 Apr 15, 2023

Wow, hang in there and I repeat, keep writing.

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Mary Bendickson
04:40 Apr 14, 2023

Keep writing, Daniel. Keep writing.

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Daniel Fernandes
19:38 Apr 14, 2023

Thank you. I write when I can. Times are tough and only getting worse, but hopefully things will come around. Thanks for reading and taking the time to read and comment. I have just launched a book as well. It's in my bio if your interested.

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Mary Bendickson
06:50 Apr 15, 2023

Thanks. I'll check it out if not too technically challenged on my end.

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Jody S
02:48 Apr 14, 2023

Love the format! Beautifully woven! Is this considered prose poetry? I have so much to learn! It feels like your MC has intentions that are pure and he is trying to do all the right things! Sleep deprivation is horrible! Thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Looking forward to more!

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Daniel Fernandes
19:47 Apr 14, 2023

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I am very pleased that you enjoy my work. Yes this would be prose poetry but I break it apart so it's easier to read. I also write using stream of consciousness. Sleep deprivation is horrible and hate dealing with it. Thanks again for reading. This poem was difficult to pen because of being tired and stressing on life. Much love. Write on!

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Jody S
20:02 Apr 14, 2023

Thank you for the update on prose poetry. I have so much to re-learn (my schooling days were so very long ago)! Breaking it apart did make it easier to read. I think you used the genre very well. I like stream of consciousness also. Will have to read your other works. So sad to year that you are dealing with the sleep deprivation. You think with all the advances in modern medicine they would find safe and effective ways to mitigate this--but so many people have issues. Despite the obstacle of it, your words shone! Take care and looking...

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08:58 Sep 05, 2023

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