Hugging Sleep Deprivation

There are things I've done that I am not proud of. Working until my body says "That's it, we're done." Awake until sleep deprivation gives me a punch. The things I deal with living month after month.

My problems are in my head like Donald Kimball. Interviewing suspects of a disappearance to see who's at fault. Laughing along, knowing they can't recall. Events are out of order, as if you've hit a brick wall.

I wish I have the bravery of Doug White. Annoyed at life for manipulating everything's alright. Lying about opportunities for those who are polite. Livid about innocence that I am unable to write.

Depressed and confused from lack of sleep. Forcing my eyes so I can remain on the street. Going berserk from amplified thoughts Mariana Trench deep. Agony visits to bring you to your knees. Ignore the demons to find peace in ways that are unique. Listening to music with the A/C blasting became my technique. It's been 50 hours since I last slept, and I lost track of what I can't keep. This is a rough example of how I'm starting to cope every week.

Talk is cheap because opinions are expensive.

Be careful in public because everything is offensive

Our bodies survive by instinct and being defensive.

We die to live, but according to everyone, it is what it is.

It's sad because I failed to do everything by the book.

Putting my feet in the water and losing my foot.

Yet I kept quiet and smiled as I would.

Hopeless with no choice but to push.

Work, invest, save, and diversify. Success was verified. Markets crashed and I held onto hope and pride.

Broke with late payments, breathing intensifies.

Couldn't deal with reality I've contemplated suicide.

No need to be alive it was told by my mind. No not this time so I rhyme to set the pain aside. Applied a guide to provide and survive. Try to be kind even when denied.

I cried at my prime I don't want to describe. Let the phone chime as my thoughts rewind. Putting pressure so that I can't decide. Let's face it I'm here so I didn't die.

I work four jobs, and it's still not enough. Maybe soon I'm better please don't judge. Sliding around as if I'm a hockey puck. Just got the last job so I'm possibly in luck.

A warehouse Manger, Uber driver, shipping associate and a writer. Joining contests whenever possible as long as I can enter. Making decisions oblivious to what I can acquire. God knows money is difficult to come by although I'm no finacial advisor.

Two days of being away from home. Working until I can officially own. Deal with enough pressure I can practically be a stone. Life is hard for everyone ignore the ones that say they don't.

I lost everything I had. All that's left is my car. I have to trade what I love as my passion drifts apart. Need to get a Toyota or Lexus and be smart. Deal with life not giving me what I want.

In the bathroom with hot water against my back.

The steam elevates above the shower curtains as I reflect on my past. Smashed like glass unable to keep intact. Debt made itself known as I deal with the impact.

I can't write because my body can't function.

Lacking dreams and rest, physical destruction. Love, at first sight is a fabrication. You crave things you assume are essential, putting unesssisary priorities up front.

I tried to let my boss understand and request an advance. He turned the blame onto me and didn't give my side a chance. Said "I am not a bank" and had the audacity to shake hands. Posioned by anxiety and fustracted on where I stand.

I made a poem for the guy but he's not the type. Reject words that came from the soul. Damn that's what a cut to the artery is like. Bleeding out as I climb back up on that bike. On the trail of life as the IRS is trigger happy which isn't right.

I didn't even do my taxes because I didn't save enough to pay it. Stuggling to be optimistic and starting to run low on my patience. Hospital bills, Insurance, food and Immagration. Can't forget rent, gas, loan and car payments.

I don't know what to do so I work my way around it. Sleeping like a bullfrog I'm no longer a rabbit. Mentally exhausted from seeing the world in tinted glasses. Stress consumed me as anguish has me surrounded.

The older you get, the fewer people you trust. Lose your energy and age like rust. We tease and strip to spark lust. Do what mammals do and claim it's real love.

The govemment shot my dreams and it ricocheted to my ambition. Searching for a notepad for my salvation. Jot down everything as if it's for education. Hallucinating will destroy you with medication. Time is disrespected like poor navigation. Have my obervations penned for other's appritiation.

At this point I am like a standard wallpaper. There with no attention nor decore. Irritable and tired all dried out like a used sharpie marker. Hopefully getting by so I don't end at God's Acre.

Stuffing my spirit with buoyancy. Weak on the eyes from waking up so early. Kiss my girl knowing life doesn't guarantee. Doing my best although many will disagree.

I try to tell myself that I am okay for better or worse. Stetching optimism and pray that it'll work. Healing my cuts and bruises like a good nurse. Moving foward literally but techanlly in reverse.

Turning at every corner usure on the destination. We clear checks which all goes to inflation. Cautious and afraid as if there radiation. Making poems because it's an obligation. Writing less and less as if it'll fade from existance. Listen to music as my body relaxes from the vibration. Trying to get above the surface because I am behind on my payments. Jumping into situations hoping for a better location. I can't lose myself due to seeking redemption. I have no choice but to hug sleep deprivation.